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I need everyone's thoughts, opinions and experiences with including children both at the ceremony and reception. Did you decide (or are deciding) NOT to include children on your day? Did you not want children, but ended up caving to family pressure? If you did include children, did they behave or did you regret it?
My FI and I have 10 nieces and nephews all under the age of 10. Their parents are almost all in the wedding party (with the exception of my brother, he has 4 children). Everyone who has children are from out of town. We do not have any of our own.
After giving it a LOT of thought, we decided against including the children in the ceremony and we definitely don't want them at the reception. The main reason is the sheer number of kids that would have to be included. In our opinion it would feel like a birthday party and their parent's won't be able to kick back, let alone perform their duties as honor attendents and readers. Also, at every family gathering, the kids take ALL of the attention which (trust me) they will also achieve on our wedding day (My FI and I are both the youngest in our families, so the attention is NEVER on us). We also are very concerned about children acting up/crying during the ceremony which is the most important moment to us.
I know it may sound selfish, but I don't want my wedding day to be about the kids. We are going to have a compromise for people who are traveling and can't leave their kids at home - a room set up with a babysitter and catered food, games, etc.
So I need everyone's thoughts and advice, personal experiences would be great!!
I think it sounds like a great idea! I think it's understandable that you just don't want to worry about children at the wedding, but havinga compromise of games and a babysitter should be totally acceptable.
My family doesn't have many young children at all (though I recently heard my cousin may bring her child, who will be one month old??) so I'm not really planning anything. But I would do something like that if we had children at the wedding.
Good luck!
I had children, and they had as much fun as my husband and i did. We got activity bags for all the kids and they actually spent more time dancing than coloring. It never felt like a birthay party.
If I were you, I would find out if you can hire a babysitter or two, and find out if the hotel or the reception hall has an area where the kids can be the entire time. That would allow the parents to relax and enjoy themselves at the reception.
Your plan is excellent - stick your ground on this one. It's a tough road but you just need to explain to the parents that you want THEM to have a good time. And if they are attending to their children they won't be able to enjoy the party to the fullest. If you make it about them, hopefully they won't give you to much trouble.
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My husband and I *love* children, and a lot of our guests had children. We couldn't imagine excluding them, so we worked around them. My little brother is in (a smalllllll private) high school, so my mom asked his principle to recommend two girls from his school for us to hire. We paid them to keep a small nursery with the young children during the ceremony (eliminated crying), and at the reception we had a kids table. We put together goody bags for them and the babysitters kept them busy. The parents were so grateful that their kids were occupied and they were free to have a good time, and the kids all had a blast. They were all showstoppers on the dance floor, and I know everyone had a great time. It wasn't all about the kids at all, but our wedding was definitely a family affair. But that was how we wanted it. We have absolutely no regrets.
I couldn't imagine NOT having all the kiddies at our wedding 
& all of them were involved in the ceremony as well. They had a blast & so did we. 2 months later (which is LONG in young kids attention spans!) they are still talking about it!
10 is a lot. Is it possible to hire a nanny to watch the kids during the reception? Is there any chance you will regret not having your nieces and nephews there? I am super, super close with mine, so I know I would have regretted it.
But ultimately, it is YOUR wedding and you can do whatever you and your FI decide!
I'm not really into children, but most of our friends will be travelling from out of town and bringing their kids with them. There's nothing to be done about it. I'm going to set them up at a "kids table" with a couple of baby sitters and some butcher paper for coloring on and leave them to it. I imagine they'll dance a bit, and when it gets a bit late for them, I'm thinking of having the sitters set up a tv inside so that they can all curl up and watch movies and fall asleep.
I want the parents (our friends!) to be able to relax and celebrate with us for the entire night and not to have to leave early.
Chela429: I like the idea of "activity bags" for the kids. What did you put in them?
(To those of you who know more about children than I do--does the movie idea sound feasible? We're looking at a bunch of kids who are around 4 and 5 with a few younger and a couple older. The reception will probably go until about midnight. Surely the kids will be ready to leave the party and go watch Thomas the Tank Engine by then, right?)
I went to a dollar store and gave them each 2 activities books, 4 pack of crayons. I decided against playdo, or markers. I put them in bright purple bags (purple was my color) and the kids went nuts!!! They loved them. Some parents had actually brought stuff for their kids to play with too. In the end all the kids abandoned the bags and spent the night dancing on the dance floor. all the adults with kids were seated int he same area and the kids ended up dancing with each other, and they adults took turns watching over them. I had no babysitters.
We didn't have children at ours. There weren't too many close to us anyway. But I do think it can be tricky or cause problems. I think sometimes parents, myself included, are more than happy to spend a nice evening without the kids anyway.
May I ask what are the ages of these kids? It probably ranges quite a bit. But for what it's worth, there's a big difference between a 3 year old and an 8 year old. If by chance these kids are somewhat older, they would probably be well behaved.
I also can't imagine not having kids at the ceremony and reception. My FI has 3 neices he loves dearly and my close friend and a toddler who is basically like my nephew. They can all be high energy, but we love these kids so much and want them there. So we'll have ages ranging from 4 months old to 11 years old. We're have a small wedding, about 25 people total (including the kids).
We are having a short outdoor ceremony. We rented 3 houses next door to one another for everyone to stay in for the weekend. The reception is right across the street from the houses so if a kid gets grumpy or tired they can be taken right home. So we're trying to work around the kids a lot but I think it'll be well worth it to have them there.
I love your compromise! I would do the same thing, actually, but I don't have to because there is only one small child in our family and I feel fine telling the parents to find their own babysitter (and won't have hurt feelings if that can't make it for that reason!).
We decided not to have kids at our wedding. We're having a 6pm wedding followed by the reception. We are providing information on a babysitting service for Sat night and inviting the kids to the rehearsal dinner and brunch. We had considered kids tables and all that, but it's late and kids cost money too and then we were told by some of the parents that they wouldn't bring their kids and didn't want to bring their kids. That made it easy for us.
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I love children (I'm studying to be a teacher), but we decided not to invite anyone under the age of 16 to our wedding. We made the choice for ourselves and I'm happy that we did it. We had a couple of complaints from people, but ultimately, no one made a big deal out of it. We did what was right for us, our wedding (a 6 PM evening event) and our venue (which had a strict seating capacity). If you do decide not to include children, I'd check out this thread by one of the WeddingBee Pros, Christina Friedrichsen, from a couple of weeks back:
If you do decide to invite them, check out her other thread about how to keep them busy:
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I LOVE little kids and am very excited to have them one day. But we decided to have no children outside of my 2 flowergirls and ring bearers.
We aren't having children because it would be 20 and at $40 a head for chicken fingers and fries I can't stomach that. Plus I am required to hire sitters for every five children per my venue's rules. I just don't think my wedding is the right place for a large group of small children given the formality. Dinner won't even be served until 8p.m. and there's going to be a loud band playing etc. Most people have been excited to have a night away from their kids. I know that is how I'd look at it.
You have to do what works best for you and just stand your ground (even when you feel like a child hating grinch ) GL
We're having Mr's niece and possibly my cousin as flower girl and ring bearer. Other than that, no kids allowed. There are a group of people on his side that have a bunch of kids that aren't watched and are allowed to run wild. Like destroy things because it's funny wild. So we're making a straightforward rule. No kids unless they are in the wedding party. I keep flip-floping because I feel bad, but I think I'm going to stay firm on what we've decided at this point.
Miss E - your situation sounds exactly like mine, the kids are not watched by their parents in social situations, they think it's 'cute' when the kids act up and I honestly don't think anyone will take the kids out of the church if they scream or act up.
Tanya124 - the kids will vary in age, the majority will be 5 and under, one 8 year old and two 9 year olds.
Also, we are not close to any of them, they all live in separate states and pretty much have no idea who we are. So I won't regret not letting them come, because they won't have any idea what's going on.
I also have very limited seating at the reception which is a problem. And it would cost so much money to feed all of them it would be $300/head if they sit in the ballroom, and about $25/head if they are set up in a hotel room or nearby room. I think what I'm doing is a good compromise, I have not broken the news to everyone yet though.
I'm the same as amandapolis, I have 5 nephews and nieces below the age of 7 and cannot imagine it without my cut elittle baby nuece; I love them to pieces; I am having a kids table with coloring books and crayons; no babysitter; it's like going to a house there will be plenty of adults, watch your own kids
I have only 3 extra kids; I feel awful at the money I'll be spending; but it's just one cousins kid and a good friends kids
so 8 total in my 60 person guestlist
So, how are you wording your invitations? Or are you just relying on word of mouth?
eek, I hate this topic! I would really really like to not invite all the children to our wedding (there will be about 35 children of about 100 some guests), but I am not winning this war. Luckily we are having a private ceremony with just our immediate families, but I have a brother that will be five and will have a niece or nephew of 6 mos. then. No getting around it here.
I find it annoying that once couples become parents and their children are the center of (their) attention assume that everyone else finds their kids equally charming all the time and don't mind when their kids are crazy terrors. I love kids, but 24/7 kid-dom is not cool.
Well, what we're going to do is call everyone individually who has children and explain the situation how due to the number of children and the venue/setting, we've decided to have an adults only ceremony and reception. We'll tell them that since they are traveling from out of town, it's up to them if they want to bring the kids and we will have a babysitter in a designated room at the hotel they can use free of charge.
The invitations may or may not be worded "Adults only Reception to follow" - it may be kind of unnecessary with our grassroots campaign.
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Oh, Bamboo I'm sorry to hear that! I completely agree with you - I seriously think that nowadays parents make such a huge deal out of including their kids in everything (and making everyone come to every birthday party, etc) it's so different from when I was a kid. I never would have been allowed to come to an aunt's wedding - my parents wanted to party and have adult time!
It's so frustruating because they act like their kids are entitiled and get so offended when you're not on the same page. I wish people could just deal with taking one day out of their lives and not have kids glued to them (or running circles around everyone in the room).
I also have 10 nieces and nephews under the age of 10. I've been dreaming about them being in my wedding since they were born. The oldest is a Jr. Bridesmaid and my plan was to have 4 flower girls and 2 ring bearers. (The other three kids are babies.) One of my brothers is not talking to my parents so he told me that his kids aren't coming and it broke my heart!!
We invited my brothers' inlaws to the wedding so it will be nice that the kids other grandparents (as in not my parents) can help out if there are any problems during the ceremony. My brothers have also arranged for their kids to get picked up by babysitters about halfway through the reception.
We are definately doing an Adults Only event- I'm not a kid person, and have almost zero tolerance for them, so the only kid at the wedding will be SO's little sister, who just happens to be 10 (SO is almost 26, she was the oops child, hah). The party will be on Halloween, with an eclectic theme, adult food, and drinking- it just isn't appropriate for kids to be there, plus the venue is extremely nice (huge, old, luxurious B&B on an estate) and if we invited all of the kids on SO's side, there would be like 30 running around there. The invitation will actually have "Adults Only" on it, and if anyone RSVP's kids, the foot is going down, hah
First of all I'm a parent and so is T. We could NOT imagine children not being there for our day. Most of my friends are parents and the infectious sound of children's laughter is priceless.
For those who get a little upset, we are considering having a babysitter. I think that's the idea for us. Bring in a tv and a dvd player and some of the crafts into another area and the kids can have fun if they get bored w/adult stuff.
My son is 10.5 years old now and if he were NOT invited because he is a child I personally would NOT GO TO THE WEDDING I was invited to. My son is incidentally, better behaved than 99% of all grownups btw. Some children are like that you know..and he's been pretty much perfect when in public since he was very very little so not all kids are whiners, kickers or screamers.
Bellenga - I actually have one nephew who sounds like your son, he is extremely mature for his age (8), very smart and well behaved. I am torn because I think he out of all my nieces and nephews would actually want to be there, and I do want him to come, but I don't want to invite just him and not everyone else.
I think we're going to compromise and let the kids come to the ceremony. The reception would honestly be no fun for them, there's going to be a big loud band, etc.
We considered hiring a nanny for children as well. Honestly, I get nervous when I see kids at weddings b/c I think about all the money spent & the stress & then all it takes is one unappreciative kid to have a fit & then the adults stress & etc.
Having a babysitter to take care of the kids somewhere close by is a nice way to also avoid those people who use the excuse that they cant get a babysitter for that night & cant attend. You help them out & help them enjoy the night as well.
We are not having children invites; however, my two nieces, age 5 and 9, who are my flower girls & make up my entire bridal party with the best man are invited.
I am a million jabillion times with you on this one. We're not allowing kids at our wedding or reception. We are both 20 somethings with no children of our own, are having our wedding on a boat and didn't think it was appropriate.
Please, please, please be prepared with how much this is going to piss people off -I sure wasn't. A lot of people have the tendency to be extremely touchy about this particular subject. My brother actually threatened to not come to the wedding because my 2 year old niece isn't invited. I lovelovelove my nieces and nephews as does my fiance. Adding our 14 kiddos would've seriously tipped the budget, made a candy buffet a disaster and would've made the heavy drinking super inappropriate.
I think that kids are fantastic and can't wait to have a few of my own but I don't really like it when I see them at evening weddings (unless there are special accommodations made -a lot of times there aren't). You know? Dancing at a reception with alcohol at 11:30 p.m. probably isn't the best environment for the 12 and under crowd.
I think kids are super appropriate at a lot of day weddings, if the couple getting married has children or other events tailored to them but don't think that people think a lot of times when it comes to weddings.
To each your own. If you plan a wedding with kids and have activities that will keep them entertained I think that you are amazing and SO patient. It's just not really for me. I'm going to buy my nieces and nephews special gifts beforehand so they know how special they are to us.
HaHa! I can see half of you on this board in 2 or more years complaining about your OWN kids not being invited,and how inconvenient it is,who will watch them if God forbid its an overnighter...get the picture? Everyone always has so many opinions about weddings in general and how they SHOULD be,when in reality,there isn't ONE that's perfect. When you're a parent you'll learn to appreciate and understand that weddings are for FAMILIES....and that includes children. Of course they get cranky and sometimes rambunctious! Didn't you? How else do children learn how to behave in social situations if they are never exposed to them? They should be celebrated and enjoyed and included. Not every parent wants them tucked away by 7pm.
We were always invited to weddings and showers as children,and it was exciting to go to a fancy place and dance with our Aunts & Uncles and parents. I have wonderful memories of all the weddings we went to,and great pictures of dancing on my Grandfather's feet! When else would that have happened?
I think its a shame kids are being excluded,ni matter what the reason.
I think we did the best of all worlds: We have 10 neices and nephews also (!), and had a babysitter for them until all the "adult wedding-y" parts of the day were done: ceremony, cocktail hour, dinner, cake cutting, first dances, etc. Once the dancing was up and going, the kids were invited to join their parents at the reception. Our venue was wonderful and offered us a room to use as a babysitting space just downstairs of our (loft) reception room and arranged for a family style meal of chicken fingers and fries for all the kids (very cheap too!). The parents didn't feel like kids were "excluded" and we didn't have to worry about kids getting bored or interrupting. Two babysitters, a tv/dvd player, a big bag of art supplies and games and the kids were happy for a few hours, and once they were getting antsy it was time for them to come up and dance! Parents got to enjoy some "adults only" time, but the kids still got to "come to the wedding." Worked great, and we've heard nothing but positives from all the parents involved.
Might solve your problem, ModernDaisy, cause they can't hog your spotlight but could still be a part of the day.
(oh and we decided no kids in the ceremony for the same reason as you - too many to have them all and didn't want to choose)
Modern Daisy - it's nice to see you're giving this so much thought! We chose not to have children at our wedding, but if we had it would have included about 13 kids. Many of our friends (and they love their kids!) keep telling us how much they are looking forward to their big night/weekend (depending on how far they are travelling) of relaxation when they leave their kids at home to come to our wedding. If we did invite kids, we definitely would have done a separate room like you're considering where they can just hang out and have their own party. It's just about what you want!
Good Luck!
Not all weddings are for families. Weddings are for the two people getting married. Who they choose to surround themselves with on that day is just that -a choice. I would hope that when I become a parent I do my best to be considerate of other people and understand that a lot of money is involved, often receptions are packed with alcohol and maybe it isn't the most appropriate place for the kiddos.
Some weddings are definitely tailored to kids ---which is awesome. My wedding is not kid appropriate. It's going to be a formal affair aboard a boat, with lots of alcohol and no reprieve for a tired two year old.
I don't think that brides should be made to feel guilty if they request an adult only ceremony and reception. It's a personal preference and shouldn't be a source for so much tension.
Believe me, I think it's a blast to see flower girls and ring bearers shaking their groove thang to 80s hair band music. I've always had fun at weddings that their were kids at but I've always known it wasn't for me.
Thanks MissSoontoBee. Smyley, it is not for you to declare what ALL weddings are about. My wedding is not "for FAMILIES" and nor do I want it to be. Our wedding is about the two of us and our friends and fun and celebration. I fully respect that some people want to have weddings packed with children and their hijinx and I would hope that our friends and family will respect our decision to have a less child-focused wedding. I do not think that our wedding is the place at which random children should be socialized, nor do I intend to feel guilty for this decison.
We're not sure what we're going to do. =) I think your solution with the babysitter is perfect, though! I definitely won't be doing that -- call me selfish, but that would absolutely blow my budget all to hell. (I would consider doing it if I could make it mandatory for the parents of the kids to pay...but that would probably be seen as "tacky". Bah.)
I'm split on including kids. =/ I don't want them, but our guests are mostly out of town, and it would inconvenience them not to be able to bring their kids. Also, most of the younger ones are on my fiance's side of the family, and it wouldn't exactly be a good first impression to make with the in-laws. Ugh. Damn family politics.
Jenniphyr, we're including kids because our out of town guests (most of our guests, actually) will be bringing them. I'd really rather not, but given that people will be travelling thousands of miles to come to our wedding...How much do you antiicipate the babysitters costing? Are there any colleges near where you live? I am a prof at a small college in a small town and I reckon I can find a pair of college kids to watch the littelies for, say, $75 each. Or maybe $50 each. I'll start there and see where I end up. It might be that babysitters cost less than you think...To my mind, whatever keeps the kids out of the way and the parents relaxed is ultimately worth it. :) What I really don't want is for our friends with children to bail on the wedding at 10 to put their kids to bed and to sit around in their hotel rooms. I want everyone to stay late, drink too much and to have a good time!
Things that I always find amusing about these threads is that most people seem to think that all kids are horrible and will cry and act up. Also, people assume that parents think it's cute? Umm, no. But, most parents know better then to freak out about every little tear or stolen flower out of a centerpiece. You would die from the stress I tell you. You aren't going to notice these things anyway. You'll be busy basking in the glory of being married. I do think you've come up with a good compromise for your guests, but you should still be prepared for them to not come. If that's ok with you, go for it.
i really don't want to invite children. i will have my 2 flowers girls and a ring bearer there, but that's it. my little cousins are monsters. i mean they really are. they throw food at each other, scream and run around breaking things. one of my flower girls and the ring bearer are brother and sister, but they have 2 older brothers who are the problem. my mom says i have to invite the whole family which i totally understand. but then i feel like my other friends and family that have kids will be offended that they couldn't bring their kids. ugh, i just don't like the idea. i mean i have a temper and if one of those kids gets something on my dress or ends up breaking something i will go crazy. i really love kids, but these kids are out of control and they don't listen. at least they get to have a kids table.
I don't want to give off the impression that I think all kids are monsters and I dislike them in general. I love kids! I wish I was closer to all of my 10 nieces and nephews, I spoil them every chance I get! But I'm not close to them. And at EVERY family function they are absolutely riled up *Since there are so many of them* and I can barely have a conversation over the screaming. Their parents do nothing to calm them down (not that I think all parents are like this, mind you, and I'm also not claiming to be a parenting expert myself) but it is like free babysitting to them.
I also don't think it's fair for any one of us to say what ALL weddings are about. Every wedding is different and unique. Some really are about family and that's great! Others are more focused on the couple which is fine too. It think the 'family' focused weddings are usually of a bride and groom who are already parents or who are close to the children in the family. But most of the time a night reception with alcohol is not a good situation for the 10 and under crowd.
Am I being a little bit selfish with my desire to not have children? Absolutely! I do want the attention to be on me and my husband. It's our wedding!
Actually,you asked for everyone's thoughts,experiences and opinions,and I just voiced mine. I never said ALL weddings are what I think they should be,but I have to wonder why people have weddings and receptions if its only about the 2 of them? Why not just go away somewhere and be done with it? Isn't a marriage traditionally the joining if two families (the two people) to create a new one? Of course it should be what you want! No one ever said otherwise. How boring would life be if we all thought the same way?
That being said,I hope you have a lovely wedding!
My aunt "A" had a no kid wedding when my aunt "B" had a 3 or 4 year old little girl and it really bothered aunt "B". Last year (probably 10 years later) both of Aunt "B"s older sons had weddings and Aunt "A" brought her 4 and 8 year olds who laughed and talked through the ceremonies...granted they were lengthy catholic masses...Aunt "B" was very upset at how someone who bans kids from their wedding would allow theirs to act like that.
Conclusively, its hard to make everyone happy no matter if you invite kids or not someone is going to think you should have done otherwise.
It can be a touchy situation. Personally, if the kids can be quiet, I have no problem, I'd love for them to enjoy the occasion, but loud kids and parents who can't shut them up for 10-15 mins bug the heck out of me! All our guests are coming from OOT, so Fi and I have probably half a dozen under 10s that are invited, if there were more and they were younger than they are, I might have looked into an on resort child care for during the ceremony. You know your family/young guests better than us and know how they will behave, good luck!
My FI and I debated about this and finally came to a decision, if we invited kids (these would be mostly second cousins) it would open up a can of worms that would totally cancel out our plans of a small ish (100 ppl) wedding. The one kid we are allowing to come is my second cousin who I am close to and she will be 13 by the time of our wedding, hardly a kid anymore. I love children, but there were too many negatives for us to justify allowing children. I would like to think anyone that has kids coming to our wedding will appreciate a nice night out without the kids. Hopefully that is the case, we haven't sent out our invites or STDs yet so we will see. I think that it is ultimately up to you and your FI, what you want is the most important thing, I think you are being very reasonable by having a room with food/activities/sitters for the parents.
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