Post # 1
I had a great day dress shopping on Satturday with my mum and i text one of my bridesmaids all about it and sent her a couple of pictures of the dresses i tried on (web pics not of me) and she was really excited for me and loved the dresses i showed her. Bless her heart she was so excited so thought she would show my other bridesmaid the pictures too. Well i text BM2 later that night and asked if BM 1 had shown her the pictures and i was shocked at her reply…
“i have to be honest with you and im only telling you because i wouldnt be a true friend if i didnt, but your going to have to put weight on if you want to wear a wedding dress, your far too skinny to look nice in one”
i was anorexic for 4 years and she knows how hard it is for me to keep weight on, she also knows how much i hate my collor bones and how i wish i was a bit bigger but you dont go around telling people they are too skinny especially given their past.
I am so upset over this.
My mum knows how much i hate my bony frame and spend ages trying styles to suit my slim physique, now every time i look in the mirror i feel sick and hate what i see. she has totallly destroyed my confidence.
my other BM feels bad for showing her the pic its not her fault and as soon as she realised i was upset, called me up to make me laugh but it totally ruined my weekend away with the FI.
i feel like taking her out of the wedding but shes my fiances brothers girlfriend but she always says things she knows will upset me.
Post # 3
That’s creul. I would have your soon to be BIL talk to his gf. Even have your fiance talk to him about why the BIL needs to talk to his GF. Maybe she doesn’t understand that this is a very sensative topic for you, or how it has upset you, but she needs to be given a clear message that you have a disease that you are (successfully it seems!) beating. You need support, not criticism.
As a woman whose bff was diagnosed with anorexia from the age of 10, I understand how some poeple just don’t get it, but I certainly educated many people in my time about how it is not choice that an anorexic is making, and also talked to them about being sensative, just as if it were any other condition. Perhaps a talk with her about this will help her understand.
Post # 4
Fiance’s brother’s girlfriend?! That’s too many qualifiers in front of her for her to be in your wedding. What happens if your FI’s bro breaks up with her? I would kick her out, especially for a comment like that.
Now onto her comment… WTF that is so mean of her to say! No one should ever say that to anyone with an eating disorder history. EVER. I agree with PP that she needs a talking to by someone other than you because that will just not end well. For one thing, she’s probably jealous that her BF’s bro is getting married and that she isn’t. I know when I was a waiting bee I was definitely jealous of those who were getting married so I’m guessing her comment was from that. Either way, it’s completely inexcusable and she needs to know that in no uncertain terms.
Post # 5
That’s completely uncalled for. Normally I’m not a fan of firing a bridesmaid but it seems like this would be an exception. I wouldn’t want that negativity to surround my dress buying experience or the unsolicitied advice that she feels the need to give.
Are you close with this girl or is she just a bridesmaid because you felt like it was the right thing to do?
Post # 6
@Carolinejane: I’m sorry your BM is being like that! If you don’t feel comfortable removing her from the wedding, I would just keep her far away from the planning. And I am confident that you will be able to find a wedding dress that looks amazing on you!
Post # 7
That’s horrible. I really can’t believe she texted that to you. I’m so sorry.
First of all, knowing that you’ve struggled with your body image in the past, she should be way more sensitive to that.
Second, what she said was just mean-spirited – it was a mean thing to say and she said it in a harsh manner.
Third, if she wanted to tell you that she didn’t love a specific dress for you or something like that, I think that’s better accomplished in person or over the phone, NOT via text. But that’s not even what she said – what she said was more of a cruel criticism than constructive feedback about a dress.
Honestly, I know we don’t know anything else about your relationship, but this sounds like a toxic friend. I would do some soul searching about this friendship and whether it’s one you want to continue.
Post # 8
@UpstateCait: i asked her to be s bridesmaid because she already expected to be one because she thinks she got me and my FI together and i really dont have many friends so i didnt have anyone else to ask. Thats another thing about that illness, it made me hide away from the world and i lost all of my close friends. I cant really just have 1 BM can i? i dont know what to do
Post # 9
You can absolutely have 1 BM. BM’s are your nearest and dearest friends. Not people that feel entitled to be in the wedding because they are dating someone that someone you know knows (wow thats a mouthful).
I would kick her out. What she said was awful and uncalled for.
Post # 10
You can respond to her: I used to have an eating disorder. While honesty is always appreciated, some sensitivity is also appropriate. In the future, please wait until your opinion is asked for, and then try not to exacerbate any body image problems I might still have.
And while you’re making your way back from this particular smack to your self-esteem, do try to remember that we pretty much all have some body image problems, and even if you could reach your dream weight, and dream body, you’d still hate some feature (or 2, or 3) of your body. I’m sure you look terrific in this dress. Trust the opinions of the people who love you, and who support you. Don’t ever put your faith in the opinion of someone who has no investment in your happiness.
ETA: I had only one bridesmaid. How many people does it take to hold your bouquet and hand you a ring? One.
Post # 11
I am so upset and angry for your sake…
That is NOT a “friend”!!
Totally uncalled for.
Post # 12
I think SOMEONE needs to sit her down and have a serious talk with her about what a hurtful thing she did. You, your FI, his brother, or you could write her a letter or email. Under the circumstances, I would not blame you AT ALL for removing her from your wedding party — not because you hate her or anything uber-dramatic like that, but because you’ve realized that you can’t trust her not to be the source of emotional damage.
Sadly, the reality is that you will encounter triggers from people you’re in contact with, whether they are supposed to be friends or complete strangers out in public. You absolutely can’t avoid them. I think you’d benefit from a few sessions with an ED-experienced therapist (or from your regular therapist if you have one) to work on this issue.
You can definitely just have one bridesmaid. There’s nothing wrong with that.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’m thinking good thoughts for you!
Post # 13
Get rid of her! The last thing you need on your wedding morning is for her to say something else hurtful and ruin your confidence for the day!
Post # 14
@Carolinejane: Is she aware that you suffered with anorexia? I mean even if she isn’t the comment still isn’t a good one BUT if she knew you suffered with the disease then she should know to make no mention of your weight. Do you think there is *any* chance she was trying to fish around and see if you are still struggling and wants to help? Even though that comment is totally the wrong way to go about it. If you feel like she is *trying* to hurt you on purpose I would remove her from the wedding.
Post # 15
i’m sure that you looked stunning in your dress. disregard her snide comments.
there is nothing wrong with having only 1 bm. your wedding is still over a year away. i would hold off on buying the bm dresses for a while.
Post # 16
If she isn’t being supportive and a friend, she needs to go. Tell your SO what happened.