Post # 1
ok, so i’m freaking out. i officially need to Get A Grip and shut-the-hell up.
boyfriend and i have been dating 2 years and 3 months. he knows my deadline is the end of this year. he is a very commitment-phobe 35 year old (badly divorced parents), but who loves me very much and wants to be with me i am sure. i am 38, hence the relatively short 2.5 year deadline. (pushed back from 2 year deadline).
there are hints. i saw ads for rings on his computer; he asked me my ring size once; his sister says i am getting a “really amazing christmas present”; we are going on a very romantic week long trip together over christmas…
but i can’t stop nagging and bringing it up!! i am single-handedly ruining everything. he started being distant to me because he’s freaking out about it all, which then made me freak out. when i ask him about it, he gives a million reasons about how it’s such a big decision and how is he supposed to know and decide after only 2 years; at which point i get so upset because it’s so hard to know that someone is deliberating over you, judging you, deciding about you. (which has happened to me before and they always decide no). but then he is sweet and says it will happen, and we’ll have a serious conversation about buying a house, or how we will raise a kid…
i need to just keep my darn mouth shut and enjoy the relationship and see what happens. and not talk about marriage or future – just enjoy the moment!
how in the world do i do it??
please help me stay sane during this stressful time…
Post # 3
Well, you know it’s happening. Ask yourself if you really want to ruin his moment presenting it to you by badgering him. You are going to upset him and upset yourself by doing this. Maybe you both can plan a weekend away sooner to just enjoy each others company? Focus on enjoying him and not on what is coming.
Post # 4
@JustAnotherBee: I’m divorced and dating a divorced man who had a really bad divorce. His commitment issues almost broke us apart the first year we were together. We broke up after a year and I refused to try again. But after a few weeks he showed up and explained he’d had space to think and realized he was so afraid of a bad relationship that he was always looking out for red flags (which in hindsight he should have heeded before choosing his first wife). He said he had figured out that looking for the negative was creating the negative. Kind of the old “don’t think about pink elephants” adage, then they’re everywhere. A year after that revelation and he remains a changed man.
I know I’m bumbling around with this answer, but what I’m trying to say is that he isn’t judging and deciding about YOU (if he is, leave him now, he is an ass), he’s judging and deciding the situation. I ended up reading a dozen relationship books, they all point out that you can’t/he can’t convince himself to marry you. They say that final leap of faith comes from the heart not the head and if you want things to go forward to have to activate his heart and get his (very confused and full of anxiety) head to shut up. So the best thing you can do is just be the you he fell in love with. Join the shut it up pact thread and laugh like you used to, wear too much eyeliner, get a massage.
Can part of your pact with yourself be to never mention the timeline again until the day comes that you decide to leave him? The date might be even sooner than two months, might be longer. He doesn’t need to know what day it is, that’s when he senses pressure and manipulation. From what you’re saying (I’m 40 so I understand) having a family is something you desire more than this one man. It’s a decision I would make too, so don’t let people tell you that you’re a bad person and that if you really loved him you’d just date for 10 years and give up on children. Stick to your timeline since that is your lifeplan but when you go, don’t look back, just walk away like a superhero with explosions in the background.
Post # 5
@JustAnotherBee: +1 to orchidblooms‘ advice:
“Ask yourself if you really want to ruin his moment presenting it to you by badgering him.”
A friend and I used to frequently “chat” (read: whine and complain) about how our SO’s weren’t proposing soon enough and blah blah blah.. Well her boyfriend finally proposed first, on a “supposed to be romantic” ski trip out to the mountains. She later confided in me that she totally ruined the experience by acting like a spoiled brat, pouting and whining and pestering him about not proposing. She even went through his luggage and didn’t find a ring, so that made her freak out even more and confront him on the way to a romantic supper. Well, he actually did have the ring and later told her he had been planning to do it that night at supper.
The next day, she refused to leave the condo without a ring on her hand. After a few hours, he finally convinced her to go out for a few runs, and handed her her ski gloves – the ring was inside. So happy ending, they’re engaged and have an adorable baby now, but she will always think about her engagement and how horribly she acted…
Long story short, at least SIU until after your trip – you can re-evaluate and freak out to us in January if need be!! 🙂
Post # 6
@JustAnotherBee: Join us in the Shut It Up Pact!!
We are starting a new one today…and we need more bees in there! You are not alone!