Post # 1
…and ask FSIL to be a bridesmaid.
Okay… My FSIL is a very nice girl. Really, she is. I just don’t really have much in common with her and I don’t feel particularly close to her. But, she is FI’s only sibling and he is asking my only sibling to be his groomsman so it just feels like the right thing to do. She is kind of quiet and shy and I feel like she will say yes just because she feels obligated… just like I’m asking her because I feel obligated.
Haha, I wish there was some way I could just be like if you want to be a BM the offer is on the table, but no one’s feelings will be hurt if you say no! It doesn’t help that I already have 5 girls and FI only has 3 dudes. But seriously, that is no excuse.
Oh well, I’m just stressing because I really need to ask her this weekend when I see her for the holidays….
Thanks for listening to me bitch and moan. 🙂
Post # 3
There is a way to get what you want. It’s called “not having a bridal party”. Makes like MUCH easier :-).
Post # 4
Be sure to tell her how much money you expect it to cost her and let her know that if she cant afford it you you “completely understand”.
Post # 5
Can’t you nicely tell her that you’d be honored if she’d be a bridesmaid, but if she doesn’t want to or it’s just not her thing, then there would absolutely be no hard feelings? You might add that you want her to be comfortable and have fun at your wedding, so the choice is hers. FI and I are planning on giving my younger brother the option of being an usher or just being a guest. He hates dressing up (so I’m thinking a tux may not be to his liking), and honestly, I don’t want to force him to participate in wedding stuff if he’d rather just hang back with the guests, drink some beer, and not have any responsibilities. I know he’ll appreciate being given the choice.
Post # 6
@crayfish: Haha agreed…. Except I already asked my other friends/family members. Plus, I really want those girls to stand with me on my wedding day!
@lefeymw: Truth. I will deff push that… she doesn’t have much $$ and is living with FI’s parents right now, so maybe that will sway her decision.
@McVerde: That’s really good advice… I like way you phrase it too. I know she is shy in front of groups of people and I would hate for her to feel uncomfortable / obligated to say yes!
Post # 7
How about putting her in a black dress and making her a “Groomswoman” then she won’t have to participate in all of your stuff and then she could choose the price of the dress. It could also help to even out your sides.
Post # 8
I’m a little confused by what the problem is. You’d prefer not to have her as a bridesmaid because she’s shy and you don’t have much in common with her? I think you’re right, you need to suck it up and ask her graciously and enthusiastically. It could mean a lot to her. It could mean a lot to your FILs, too. Sounds like the worst thing that could happen is she doesn’t participate much in conversation during the girls-only events and getting ready on the day of the wedding. Best case scenario, you could get to know her better, she comes out of her shell, and you find you have a new friend in your new family, and she might be really honored to be included. No waffling on this one, I say just do it.
[ETA] Yikes, I would stay away from all the ideas about dropping hints that she doesn’t have to do it if she doesn’t want to, or she really ought to be aware of how expensive it is, etc. That sounds really passive-aggressive and I could see it coming off as hurtful to her if she feels like you don’t want her in the bridal party because she isn’t talkative enough.
Post # 9
@mwitter80: I have been seriously considering this. I’m just concerned about how some of my old school family members would take it. I’m already getting flack for doing certain things differently. I have deff been thinking about this though and personally think it’s a great idea!
@IvyClimb: I know. You’re right… And I will ask her. I just feel obligated to do so because I don’t really know her. And from what I do know about her, I have a feeling she doesn’t really want to be a BM, but will say yes so as not to offend. I fully admit that I’m being silly about it. 🙂
Post # 10
@IvyClimb: Just saw your update… I see what you’re saying, but I don’t think it’s passive-agressive at all. I have been honest and up front with ALL of my bridesmaids about the costs of being in my wedding. I think that’s only fair, so they can decide if they can afford it. I don’t want her to feel on the spot or obligated to say yes (which I could see her doing) and I know that she is shy and prefers to keep to herself. It has nothing do with her not being talkative, I really don’t want her to feel like she can’t say no to me and then feel uncomfortable the entire time. Sorry if I didn’t explain myself correctly!
Post # 11
Couldnt she be the guest book guardian instead? If she is shy it gives her something to do.
Post # 12
I think that if you don’t want her in the wedding than don’t ask her! I know that I personally wouldn’t want to be a bridesmaid if the bride asked me out of a sense of obligation. I wasn’t in my oldest brother’s wedding and that was fine by me – all I wanted was to be present at the ceremony and reception.
I don’t know if there have been other threads made about this topic….is it important to your FI that she be in the wedding?
Post # 13
I really like it when a sibling is on their brother or sisters side. Granted, I’m not doing that- but then I was friends with my FI’s sister before I even met him. If she’s comfortable with that (which she might not be if she’s shy) I’d say go for it and ignore all the old school people. Maybe give her a choice- she can stand on your side or her brothers, whichever she feels comfortable with. The key is to make sure she feels like she’s being welcomed into the wedding party. Good luck!
Post # 14
@Meealissa: It’s funny because when I was telling FI I wasn’t sure about having her as a BM he’s the one that told me that she probly wouldn’t want to be one anyways and would just say yes to not make me feel bad. So no… he’s doesn’t really care.
@arclee: That sounds like a good idea too…. But then, should my brother stand on my side with me?! Why does FI get my bro AND his sis?? (hahah juuust kidding)
Post # 15
Why don’t you have your FI ask her? Or the two of you together? So that way she’s doing it for her brother, not so much for you (although she’ll be a bridesmaid)? My sister was in a wedding as a “groomswoman” although she did everything the bridesaids did.
Post # 16
Keep us posted on what you end up doing. I am actually in the same situation as you, I don’t feel close at all to FI’s sister. I would much rather have a small bridal party of 3 girls 3 guys and 1 junior bridesmaid.