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Next month will be my our 4 year dating anniversary. I felt the EXACT same way as you do before he finally asked me 2 months ago. I was going insane. I would say that if he knows you will be engaged by next year, you should just relax and let it happen. I know my reaction to my FI taking so long, was he'd better hurry up or I'll leave too. But, I knew he was going to ask me, and I also knew I definately did not want to leave him. He probably doesn't want to give away when he's going to propose, so he won't say anything definite about getting married next year.
Go have that glass of wine, relax, and know that he wants to marry you and is planning on asking. Ignore what other people are saying. Some people are so rude and nosy. I'll bet that you know it will happen, and you will enjoy it more when it does if you just ignore the pressure from others.
Hope that helps!
I really feel bad about giving advice because I am going through a similiar situation. But I am going to give it a shot: I totally understand how you are going nuts and yes 4 1/2 years is enough time in my opinion.
Here's where things get tricky: If he said that you will be engaged by next year, maybe you should come up with a mental deadline. Or better yet, you guys try to come up with a deadline together.
But I don't condone you "waiting" forever. Until you figure things out, go and get a glass of wine and pour me one too!! 
Hope everything works out!
Does your boyfriend also want to have kids? Do you want to have multiple children? And do you want to spend much time as a married couple before you start having kids?
I realize that these sound like silly questions, but in my experience, men aren't so good with long-term timelines. They seem to forget that planning a wedding takes time, saving for a wedding takes time, getting pregnant takes time, etc. So, if the two of you want to have multiple kids before you're 30 (just picking a random number there, not trying to pressure!), then you might need to count back from there. With a male friend of mine who was deliberating when he should propose, I took him through a similar scenario. And he was absolutely STUNNED when he realized that if they wanted multiple children by a certain date and if they wanted to spend any child-free time at all as spouses, and with how long it takes to plan a wedding, that he basically needed to have already proposed!
First off *big hugs*
I have been here before, though I didn't stay for 4.5 years, that's pretty vested in the relationship. To me that means you really love this guy.
I think you should wait for him next year for the engagement. Now you know it's coming next year and knowing is half the battle plus I heard it's pretty nice when a guy proposes on his own.
My thoughts are if you leave him, the world is unknown out there, sure might find a guy more suited for you but most guys need a least a year to get to know you before popping the question. If you think it's worth it that power to you.
I'm just saying that with your guy now, you have 4.5 years of history and memories you can share when you are both old watching your grandkids.
Well what ever you decide, you will have support. ;-)
OMG!
What better beehive could I have asked for?! You ladies are so great!
redherring- Yes he does want to have kids and he says two and he knows that I want to be married before I have children and yes I would LOVE to have some "us" time before we start having children. These are all of my fears. If he doesnt propose until next year I will be 28 then we have to save for a wedding, another year, I will be 29, etc.... we wont be able to have any "us" time.
I would hate to give him an ultimatum and lose out on the best thing in my life.....
Again, you bees are the best and I am so grateful I have you guys......
Tonight calls for a BIG bottle of wine and chaotic bliss I will have two cups for you! 
Until tomorrow ladies!
xoxo
I'm so sorry you're feeling so frustrated. Honestly, your post sounds like I could have written it a few weeks ago. BF and I had a big fight the night before I was supposed to go out of town for a weekend, and it came out that while I had thought he was planning for a proposal in the couple few months based on things he had said in the past, he hadn't even been thinking about when to do it. We had had discussions before about it being a "when" rather than an "if" but he was taking a lot longer to be ready than I was. I was totally shocked that after all our conversations, picking out rings, talking to priests, calling venues etc., he still hadn't initiated buying a ring and planning a proposal. (We've been negotiating the merger since January.)
Well, I left the next morning without us really having resolved it, and he ended up having the weekend to stew over it. What happened next kind of amazed me. He had some sort of breakthrough realization that he was being unfair by expecting me to just drift along without any sort of timeline by which I could plan my life, and he decided to give himself a proposal deadline of March 1. We had a great conversation about where we were, what we were feeling and how to go forward that just made me feel so much better about waiting. I used to freak out almost every weekend about it, but I haven't so much as been in a bad mood since our talk.
I guess my point is, for me, it really helped to get communication actually flowing so we could really understand how each of us was feeling and where we were coming from. Although we had talked about engagement and marriage many times, this was the first time I really felt like we were completely getting through to one another, and I think it came about because of a shift in his thinking. I also realized that it was important that I not cry or get upset, which was a huge act of self control on my part, but helped him not to feel attacked or pressured.
Have you guys had a good, two-way street conversation about where you both are? If you haven't, maybe you could try in a non-confrontational way to sit down and talk with him about it. Like, "I really love you and we have a great relationship, but I'm at the point where I need a commitment. I really want that commitment with you, but if you can't give that to me, I'm going to have to move on to try to find it with someone else" (if that is indeed what you are thinking). If he doesn't want to talk about it, is there any chance you'll be out of town or otherwise giving him some time on his own to think about it?
I too was thinking about moving out at the end of the year. Reason being, although I knew he wanted to marry me, I wasn't sure if he could get himself over "the hump" within my life's timeline (he is very deliberate and takes lots of time to think about and research things before doing them). I was so overcooked already, I couldn't see myself sitting around for another year or so waiting. I confessed to him during our conversation that I'd been considering leaving, and that seemed to really have an effect on him. I don't think he actually realized that he could lose me as a result of his drifting along putting things off. I am NOT saying to threaten or give an ultimatum anything. I just mean that as an example of how we finally managed to communicate to each other just how we were really feeling about it--i.e., he didn't quite get how upset I was by the situation until he realized that I felt so hurt by what I perceived as his delaying that I was thinking about leaving. Does he know you're thinking about it?
Whew...sorry to write a novel!
Wow, 4.5 years is definitely quite a long time! I am encouraged for you to hear that he is definitely planning to marry you. I was with an ex for 5 years before I finally asked him if he had even thought about ever getting married. He replied with, "I just don't know if you're the one." I was 25 years old and I broke up with him that day.
I think maybe he's resisting a little because there's so much pressure. Personally, I rebel when I know someone really is pushing hard for me to do something, even if it's something I was going to do on my own. I'll just put off doing it as a reaction to all the pressure. Maybe he reacts similarly to pressure?
We were together for 5 years. I was on the verge of killing him in his sleep! Just kidding but I was so frustrated I didn't know what do to with myself. It consumed everything I did/thought/felt. It got bad because I was starting to be so resentful that we argued about it, which we usually don't do too often. So I know how you feel. And then when you talk to people and they say "it'll happen" you're like "yeah, whatever". But when it does, it'll be the best time ever, all the frustration will be something you remember but can't imagine the feeling anymore, if that makes sense.
PS. Whoa, your FSIL is waaaaay ahead of the game. Who can compete with that? Jeesh
hoyalawya- Actually I went a two week cruise without him about 3 weeks ago. When I got back I had every intention on giving him a stern talking to but we had a family tragedy and I figured it was not appropriate. Last night was the first time I brought it up since the vow of silence I talk on all talks marriage and enegagement a month or so ago. I will try the "no-cry" tactic and see how that works.
pendragon- i think he does react negatively to pressure. He gets really freaked out! lol
Please ladies help grant me the virtue of patience.............
I was in your exact same position this time last year and was going totally nut-so! We had been together for 4.5 years at that time, were living together and he was about to turn 30. Additionally he had asked my father if we could marry 8 months before that.
When he final did propose in February 2009, it was the most amazing proposal every AND he had a gigantic sparkly for me. He explained that he waited so long because he wanted to save and by an heirloom quality e ring. So . . . maybe that is your man's plan as well.
Every relationship has it's own timeline. His proposal will happen and it WILL be perfect for the two of you!
I got married at age 32, and it was wonderful! Don't be so afraid of the ticking clock that you end up picking the wrong man, or sticking with the wrong man. If you love your boyfriend, and he's on the same general timeline as you (as in within a year or so), maybe give him a bit of freedom to do things when he's ready. Don't worry-- lots of women over thirty have babies every day. I plan on being one of them! :)
lolaj - Story of my life!! I sort of have the same plan. I was given the vaguest answer ever when I asked my SO "When is it gonna happen?" and I, too, am getting super-anxious. His parents have already mentioned a wedding to me (in a totally offhanded way, but still), so they must have more confidence than I do! But yeah, it's like dude, you need to get your shit together and sooooon!!! I think the end of this year may get ugly for me, and either there will be an engagement or a breakup (or something moving toward a breakup).
I agree w/Hoya though - I think sometimes guys just think things will work themselves out without having to do much forward planning, and that you'll be along for the ride no matter what. Perhaps a calm nudge that you are thinking about taking a step backward in your relationship (however big or small) might be what he needs. I also think sometimes talking about the future is good, but dealing with the reality of you being around one day, and not the next, might be a good kick in the pants. But it's all how you play it. I'm not a big fan of ultimatums but there's no reason you should be taken for granted, even if he has committed to you to get married, have kids, etc.
Just know that all of us on some level or another have been there and we're here for ya! Something must be in the water lately that literally every other bee on this board is going through the EXACT same thing! Oy! I think we all need to send our men to some sort of training school!
lolaj - i just fell off my chair! HI-larious!
We were together for 7 years and 4 months when he popped the question (I was 28 and he was 27...now I'm 29 and he's 28). I nearly lost my patience towards the end of the wait (er, maybe I did lose my patience a few times)....but he did it in his own time, when it felt right. We got married a few weeks ago...it was absolutely awesome and well worth the wait : )
Everyone does things differently. My best advice is to focus on the good in your relationship and enjoy each other. As long as you are both on *nearly* the same page in terms of timing, I wouldn't worry about it. It will happen as soon as you stop worrying about it!
First off Welcome to the Hive!! You're going to love it here!! Secondly, Lol everyone has given you brilliant advice, as you can see from my post about my dear M's statements, I have no idea what goes on in guy's minds. But if he says you'll be engaged within the year, I'd probably give him the year, or let him know that if you aren't engaged by December 31, 2010, maybe it's time to explore the future of your relationship, perhaps you are meant to be friends and you're okay with that. BTW that's my relationship exploration date and um if things don't happen in the right way by then we'll both either be celebrating our engagements together or our friendships, either way there will be a lot of wine and champagne involved. ((HUGS))
I was together with my FI for 4.5 years before he popped the question. I had given up on it and figured we were going to live like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell... And I think the fact that I didn't push him, made it easier for him to do it on his own time. And mine is like yours, if I pushed he would have pushed back harder just to do it.... I can't make him do anything, it has to be his idea. So I let him figure it out.. and he did. I mentioned that while I don't need a binding contract to stay with him, I would like some form of commitment.
Now I realize I am different as I don't need to be married. I am happy the way we are, and plus I like my last name better then his (LOL) but I am also 33 and am secure in who I am and where we are in life. I plan on having kids in a few years, even if we weren't married.
So my advice to you is to decide if being married is all that important, or if being with him is? And if it is being with him, then just enjoy your life, count everything you have as a blessing and screw the people who don't agree with how you live your life...
and always order a bottle when a glass will do, as 5 drinks is way more fun then 1!!
Smiles!
*hugs hugs*
Go get that glass of wine ... and slip away from the world for a little!
and please have several drinks for me!
Ok, ladies so I had a BIG bottle of wine last night and to my surprise everything became crystal clear. I will take everyone's advice and give him until the end of 2010. I cant even believe I'm saying this.
Until then not ONE peep (to him of course) about weddings/engagements. 
Let's just hope that noone gets married or has a baby by the end of next year. LOL
Every holiday or birthday or anniversary I am going to be so nervous! But i know i will have my bees here to support me.
Thank you to all of my bees for your great support and your advice and I look forward to keeping you girls updated and to offering up some advice to anyone who needs it!
xoxoxo
awww lolaj! i'm glad your feeling better. it's so funny how in a couple days, it seems like everything is starting to look up - well at least a little bit. good luck with your quest to keep quiet, but as i always say, you can use those moments of happy/sad when other pple get engaged/married/have babies for some positive reinforcement :)
Hey lolaj I see you were going through your breakdown about 2 weeks ago. Hope you are feeling better but here is an idea. If you know he is proposing sometime next year how about you start pre planning your wedding. You are going to be thinking about it regardless so maybe it is more productive to spend hours online online looking at dresses than hours fighting with the BF. And by the time he does propose you will be extra prepared lol
I think maybe we're just slow, but we were together well over 4 years, and I proposed to him. It was fun and magical and happened because I finally said to myself, "what the heck am I waiting for?" Any chance you could just pop the question to him?
An ultimatum? Do you want to a wedding or do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? Sounds like you can't have one without the other, and that might not be a good thing here.
We're no kids here - I'm 32 and we've been together 7 years. No one ever wants to hear it - me included, but when the time is right, the time is right. You want him to ask when he's ready, and that way you'll know he's REALLY ready. Maybe he's saving up cash, maybe he's waiting for your own 'Time.' That was what my wait was for. My sister got married a few years ago, then his brother did - both were big deals. Then babies came, and it was always someone else's thunder. Don't get me wrong - I was waiting for it....but it was the BIGGEST surprise and that made it awesome.
After he proposed he apologized for taking so long, but he wanted our own time.
That makes the waiting worth it. Trust me. I wouldn't have wanted it any differently. Would you really leave him if he didn't propose? Make sure you know what is important.
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Hello bees,
okay so I am kind of new but I've been stalking for a long while now. I joined the Christmas challenge but I failed, miserably.......
last night i asked my manpanion if he thought we would be married by next year. He says i dont know about married but we will be engaged. I'm like oh great! I'm thinking it's happening before the end of this year and he's thinking next year?? Granted that could be Jan 1 but I am going CrAzY. We are not kids anymore, I am 27 he is 26. We have been together for 4.5 years. WHAT IS HE WAITING FOR!! I am going NUTS!!! On top of this, his sister is the same age as I am, she is married and has been since she was 21 AND she has had 3 kids during our WHOLE RELATIONSHIP!!!
His sister just had her last baby this weekend and I am getting questioned on when we are going to have kids already! I dont even have a ring and they want me to start poppin' out kids!!! I hate to always be the one to bring up getting engaged/married but what else am I going to do. I am getting VERY impatient. I was thinking about leaving at the end of the year if he doesn't propose. I REALLY dont want to leave but I feel like I have no choice. It's not like this is the first time we ever talked about having kids or getting married. All of our friends ask me when are we getting married in front of him and he just ignores it.
I need a glass of wine or a bottle!
I need some advice bees, PLEASE!