Post # 1
I’m 7 weeks pregnant and over the last few weeks DH and I have been getting into more and more big arguments. I understand my hormones are all flustered which is a contributing factor, but it hurts my feelings that he’s been the instigator of a lot of these fights. Basically I’ll be trying to discuss/debate something in a calm manor and he’ll just take it up 10 levels and then act surprised when I give it back to him the same way, and then he’ll basically act like it was MY fault that it turned into an argument…wth. I’ve seen him do a few things that I never used to see when he got upset in the past, like slam all the doors on his way out, leave the house for a few hours and not tell me where he is (even after the fact), and last night he slept in the guest room which has also never happened before. This morning he still isn’t really talking to me or acknowledging me which is also odd because he’s normally over it the next day. I’m really worried about this because it’s adding another level of stress to an unplanned pregnancy that I don’t need right now. I just need some encouragement. How I’m feeling right now is so upset that I’ve actually been entertaining the idea of staying with my parents (700 miles away) after our Thanksgiving trip to see them and letting DH come home alone.
Post # 3
Awww, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
My guess is that he is having trouble coping with impending fatherhood, and (rightly or wrongly) he may be feeling out of control, as if he didn’t choose this situation per se. And maybe he is taking it out on you.
Before you consider staying with your folks and letting him come home alone, I would get marriage counseling asap. A trial separation could end up backfiring and drive a wedge even further between you two, and you don’t need that right now with a baby on the way.
Counseling, girl, counseling!
My answer would be different if you weren’t pregnant. But your entire life is about to change once the baby comes. Single motherhood is no picnic. Kids need their dads, and moms need their husbands.
I’m assuming that everything was hunky dory before you got pregnant?
Post # 4
@Lemon-Squeezy: I think the stress of the huge life change is just getting to him. He’s worried and scared but we mask those vulnerable emotions with a stronger one- anger. Talk to him about the fighting and change in behavior. It might be time to talk together with an outside person.
Post # 5
@BelliniChic: Good points! He’s excited about the baby but he did mention that he’s been frustrated. He said he feels I’ve been really negative lately and putting all this pressure on him like he can’t live up to my satisfaction. When in actuality all I’ve been doing is venting about the changes my body is experiencing and how I hope we can move back near our families before the baby comes. To me I see it as venting, but to him it’s complaining because these are things he can’t fix I guess. And it’s difficult because we haven’t gone public yet so he was seriously the only one I could talk to about the pregnancy and my concerns. It got so bad that the other day I caved and confessed it to my mom because I couldn’t bear keeping it to myself anymore with all the stress with DH. Counseling sounds good, I’ll be reaching out to someone asap.
@MexiPino: Thanks I believe you’re onto something with that!
Post # 6
I agree with PP. This is a HUGE change for both of you. Sit down, talk it out, remember that you are going to be more sensitive to his words and behaviors, and work it out. I do not think staying with your parents will help things, it may only aggravate it. Sounds like you guys need some serious time alone, talking, talking and talking. And if that does not work, then counseling is always a great choice. I am a firm believer in going.
Post # 7
@charmedbee: Thanks, you’re right. Staying with my parents is where my mind went because I’ve never felt this helpless with him before. But it probably would make things worse. I don’t even know where to begin talking about this though. I’ve explained to him that I was sorry if I’ve been sounding negative, but that talking and venting is how I process things and I’m not asking for him to fix them, just listen. He said okay but still kept stressing the fact that I’ve been such a negative person lately that he’s overly frustrated and feeling inadequate in trying to make me happy. Plus he’s stressed that our sex life has decreased a lot and that adds to him feeling frustrated too. But there’s a lot going on in my body that’s lowering my libido and I try to be a team player when I have enough energy. I hate how this is affecting our relationship.
Post # 8
to him it’s complaining because these are things he can’t fix I guess.
I think you just hit on something here. This sounds like a classic case of a guy whose love language is that he wants to “fix things” for you. (Am I right?)
Just a wild guess.
For example, my DH is a problem-solver. He really, really takes pride in fixing things for me and solving my problems — whether it’s a mechanical issue with my car, a money problem, some little thing (or big thing) that is inconveniencing me. He listens and he troubleshoots.
And I’ve also noticed in the past that DH takes it very personally if I (without realizing what I’m doing) complain about something that he hasn’t been able to “fix” for me yet. So I’m careful not to do that now. Even though I know I’m not actually complaining about him, he might take it that way.
If this is the way your DH is emotionally wired, then you can avoid pushing that button with him and it might help.
Yeah, I think it sounds like counseling might be a help. Or even just getting a good self-help book on the subject and reading it together. But having a neutral, trusted third party listening in and giving perspective can be incredibly helpful, if that option is available to you through church for example, or maybe employee assistance programs.
Best of luck to you and congratulations on your little one who is on the way! You can do it!!
Post # 9
@BelliniChic: Yes he’s definitely a fixer! Manually and emotionally he’s always troubleshooting as well. And I admit at certain times I can see how I would sound like I’m complaining about the pregnancy and how that would leave him feeling helpless because there’s nothing he can do to help me feel better physically. I really do believe it’s a difference in the way we communicate that’a causing the drama. Once we go public officially over Thanksgiving I plan to call the couple who did our premarital counseling sessions. That way I won’t have to skate around the pregnancy factor. Do you suggest I bite my tongue til then if I want to vent about what’s going on, or maybe just talk to my mom who secretly knows about it instead of him?
Post # 10
Honestly, telling him you want to move after the baby is born puts a LOT of pressure on him! Not only does he have a new baby to think about, but he also has to think about moving. How far away do your families live? Will he or you have to get a new job? Tons of pressure on him here. Wherever you are, your baby will be taken care of. Take one day, one month at a time. I would recommend not bringing up moving until after the baby has arrived and you’ve had a bit of time to adjust unless you need to beforehand for childcare.
Post # 11
@Lemon-Squeezy: Instead of venting to him, especially if he is a “fixer”, try writing it down, typing it out. If you just need to get it out, that could be one way. I wouldn’t go to your mom because if he ever finds out, then he will feel that you went around his back. My DH is a fixer. We have come up to an agreement that I tell him I need to talk, I don’t want him to say or do anything, or even feel that he needs to do anyting, that I am just spouting out. The first few times it was difficult for him, but I just put my finger to my lips and said ssshhhhhh LOL Which helped ease the tension too. I got out what I needed to say, and we moved on. He had no responsibilities after the conversation, other then to just listen.
Post # 12
Once we go public officially over Thanksgiving I plan to call the couple who did our premarital counseling sessions.
That is a fantastic idea! You two already have a history with this person, so I think it would be easier for everyone to open up. Great idea.
And yes, I would say between now and then, try to save the venting for your mom and do try to hold your tongue with the venting around your DH.
Now if your DH does or says something obnoxious, DO speak up in the meantime. Try to stay as calm as you can so that things don’t escalate any more than necessary, but don’t put up with any nonsense.
Now am I correct in assuming that DH does not know that you’ve secretly told your mom about the pregnancy? Does mom know that DH doesn’t know she knows?
If this is the case, I strongly think it would be a very good idea to let your DH know you’ve confided in mom. If you haven’t shared that with him — is there a reason for that?
Post # 13
@Lemon-Squeezy: I’m sorry but my advice is what I do myself. Don’t put space in between you all unless you have already worked it out. No problem staying with your parents and maybe you will miss each other more but it may make a bigger wedge too. If you don’t have a calm convo before tgiving then he will probably be relieved he is going home alone ( not a feeling I’m sure anybody wants their hubby to feel). I get the frustration with the spin on who started fights. I tell my fiancé he takes a discussion to the next level when it’s unnecessary and then gets upset when I get angry ( in essence making it a fight) I just tell him I never want to fight and if he didn’t get so defensive over a question or request ( all made calmly) then he would never get a reaction from me he doesn’t like. It’s a cycle and until he stops responding poorly or I stop responding poorly to his bad response… It just keeps going. So our motto is “squash it” and don’t leave the other person mad. 1. Listen 2. Acknowledge 3. Apologize and 4. MOVE ON
Post # 14
@Lemon-Squeezy: First of all, Congrats! I do have to agree with PPs that it could be that he feels like he needs to “fix” something. Some guys, like my own DH, take our talking about things as they “need to do something about it.”
Just tonight, I was rambling on about what I needed to do over the next 2 days. DH looks at me and says “what’s your point?” MAN, with my PMS, it didn’t sit well with me and before I knew it, I was crying. We talked and he explained 1. I was giving him WAY too much info…he can’t process it fast enough and 2. he thought me telling him stuff was ME in a round about way asking him to do something for me. I had to tell him I was just “sharing” with him.
He’s probably freaked out by the pregnancy and is trying to process it by figuring out how to be a good husband and a good father. I agree that the counseling is a good idea…however, I know you want to confide in your mom but be careful as it could inadvertantly change her opinion of him. You can always vent on the BEE 🙂
Post # 15
@Lemon-Squeezy: You don’t need to answer these questions publicly, but I’d consider: are you on the same page with the unplanned pregnancy? Does he resent you for getting pregnant? Does he want to be a father?
I feel it must have something to do with that given this is new behaviour since you’ve become pregnant. Obviously he needs to step up and be a good husband and father and maybe he is trying but it’s hard to adjust.
I would say, “we are both stressed but I really need your support right now. It makes me feel unimportant and anxious when you (insert shitty behaviour) and I’d appreciate if you could work with me to change how we communicate.”
Don’t blame him or be accusatory even if you do feel it’s his fault. You two need to work together, especially now.
Post # 16
@orchidblooms: Our families are 700 miles away (10-12 hours by car depending on traffic). When I was talking about moving it was like this “I really would love if there was a way we could raise our children around our families so they can have close relationships with their grandparents, aunts/uncles, cousins etc. But if not soon, maybe down the road.” But he took it like this “What the heck is wrong with you, we need to find a place and get your job to transfer you so we can go back! I hate being down here and you’re not doing enough to make things happen the way I want! Grrr!!!” Lol, so I wasn’t asking him if we could move or trying to pressure him, I was just speaking from experience of not having close relationships with a lot of my family and wanting different for our kids. But yeah, I’m def trying to take things one day at a time and if it happens it happens.
@charmedbee: That’s really smart! I will try that writing thing
@soinlove79: Thank you for your advice. You’re right it really is a cycle
@texasbee: Awww thank you! It’s crazy how differently men process things vs women.
@MrsPanda99: That’s a good way to phrase it. I think he was actually more excited about the pregnancy than me. I was a little scared because of the unknown and the fact that I’m the one who has to physically go through it. But we’re both on the same page now
@BelliniChic: When I first wrote this thread DH didn’t know my mom knew, and my mom knew that he wasn’t aware. I had every intention of telling him, but I hadn’t had the right moment considering we had been arguing so much. The thing about me telling my mom was, she already knew! She and I both have instances where we know something before we actually have hard evidence, so when she told me she already thought I was pregnant it became easier to justify telling her early.
But here’s my UPDATE: Since my last comments on this thread DH and I had a really good talk where I apologized if I’ve been negative and explained thoroughly what I meant when I’ve been venting recently. And he apologized for reacting before he had a true understanding. We decided to make some changes in how we communicate so that we don’t get in unecessary arguments because of our differences. I also told him that my mom knew I was pregnant before I told her, and that when I broke down and called her she said “I knew already.” He was ticked for a few seconds but he said it really didn’t bother him in the grand scheme of things, especially since she already believed it was likely. So all seems to be moving in a positive direction, though we’ll probably still talk to the counselors within the next few weeks. Thanks everyone! I appreciate all the advice