I need to vent…something weird is going on between DH & I

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@Lemon-Squeezy:  

 

Awww, I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.

 

My guess is that he is having trouble coping with impending fatherhood, and (rightly or wrongly) he may be feeling out of control, as if he didn’t choose this situation per se. And maybe he is taking it out on you.

 

Before you consider staying with your folks and letting him come home alone, I would get marriage counseling asap. A trial separation could end up backfiring and drive a wedge even further between you two, and you don’t need that right now with a baby on the way.

 

Counseling, girl, counseling!

 

My answer would be different if you weren’t pregnant. But your entire life is about to change once the baby comes. Single motherhood is no picnic. Kids need their dads, and moms need their husbands.

 

I’m assuming that everything was hunky dory before you got pregnant?

 

(((hugs)))

 

 

 

Post # 4
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@Lemon-Squeezy:  I think the stress of the huge life change is just getting to him. He’s worried and scared but we mask those vulnerable emotions with a stronger one- anger. Talk to him about the fighting and change in behavior. It might be time to talk together with an outside person. 

Post # 6
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree with PP.  This is a HUGE change for both of you.  Sit down, talk it out, remember that you are going to be more sensitive to his words and behaviors, and work it out.  I do not think staying with your parents will help things, it may only aggravate it.  Sounds like you guys need some serious time alone, talking, talking and talking.  And if that does not work, then counseling is always a great choice.  I am a firm believer in going. 

Post # 8
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@Lemon-Squeezy:  

 

to him it’s complaining because these are things he can’t fix I guess.

I think you just hit on something here. This sounds like a classic case of a guy whose love language is that he wants to “fix things” for you. (Am I right?)

Just a wild guess.

For example, my DH is a problem-solver. He really, really takes pride in fixing things for me and solving my problems — whether it’s a mechanical issue with my car, a money problem, some little thing (or big thing) that is inconveniencing me. He listens and he troubleshoots.

And I’ve also noticed in the past that DH takes it very personally if I (without realizing what I’m doing) complain about something that he hasn’t been able to “fix” for me yet. So I’m careful not to do that now. Even though I know I’m not actually complaining about him, he might take it that way. 

If this is the way your DH is emotionally wired, then you can avoid pushing that button with him and it might help.

Yeah, I think it sounds like counseling might be a help. Or even just getting a good self-help book on the subject and reading it together. But having a neutral, trusted third party listening in and giving perspective can be incredibly helpful, if that option is available to you through church for example, or maybe employee assistance programs.

Best of luck to you and congratulations on your little one who is on the way! You can do it!!

🙂

Post # 10
Member
1312 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - NH

Honestly, telling him you want to move after the baby is born puts a LOT of pressure on him! Not only does he have a new baby to think about, but he also has to think about moving. How far away do your families live? Will he or you have to get a new job? Tons of pressure on him here. Wherever you are, your baby will be taken care of. Take one day, one month at a time. I would recommend not bringing up moving until after the baby has arrived and you’ve had a bit of time to adjust unless you need to beforehand for childcare.

Post # 11
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@Lemon-Squeezy:  Instead of venting to him, especially if he is a “fixer”, try writing it down, typing it out.  If you just need to get it out, that could be one way.  I wouldn’t go to your mom because if he ever finds out, then he will feel that you went around his back.  My DH is a fixer.  We have come up to an agreement that I tell him I need to talk, I don’t want him to say or do anything, or even feel that he needs to do anyting, that I am just spouting out.  The first few times it was difficult for him, but I just put my finger to my lips and said ssshhhhhh LOL Which helped ease the tension too.  I got out what I needed to say, and we moved on.  He had no responsibilities after the conversation, other then to just listen. 

Post # 12
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

@Lemon-Squeezy:  

Once we go public officially over Thanksgiving I plan to call the couple who did our premarital counseling sessions. 

That is a fantastic idea! You two already have a history with this person, so I think it would be easier for everyone to open up. Great idea.

And yes, I would say between now and then, try to save the venting for your mom and do try to hold your tongue with the venting around your DH.

Now if your DH does or says something obnoxious, DO speak up in the meantime. Try to stay as calm as you can so that things don’t escalate any more than necessary, but don’t put up with any nonsense. 

Now am I correct in assuming that DH does not know that you’ve secretly told your mom about the pregnancy? Does mom know that DH doesn’t know she knows?

If this is the case, I strongly think it would be a very good idea to let your DH know you’ve confided in mom. If you haven’t shared that with him — is there a reason for that?

Post # 13
Member
771 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Lemon-Squeezy:  I’m sorry but my advice is what I do myself. Don’t put space in between you all unless you have already worked it out. No problem staying with your parents and maybe you will miss each other more but it may make a bigger wedge too. If you don’t have a calm convo before tgiving then he will probably be relieved he is going home alone ( not a feeling I’m sure anybody wants their hubby to feel). I get the frustration with the spin on who started fights. I tell my fiancé he takes a discussion to the next level when it’s unnecessary and then gets upset when I get angry ( in essence making it a fight) I just tell him I never want to fight and if he didn’t get so defensive over a question or request ( all made calmly) then he would never get a reaction from me he doesn’t like. It’s a cycle and until he stops responding poorly or I stop responding poorly to his bad response… It just keeps going. So our motto is “squash it” and don’t leave the other person mad. 1. Listen 2. Acknowledge 3. Apologize and 4. MOVE ON

 

Post # 14
Member
1410 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

@Lemon-Squeezy:  First of all, Congrats! I do have to agree with PPs that it could be that he feels like he needs to “fix” something. Some guys, like my own DH, take our talking about things as they “need to do something about it.” 

Just tonight, I was rambling on about what I needed to do over the next 2 days. DH looks at me and says “what’s your point?” MAN, with my PMS, it didn’t sit well with me and before I knew it, I was crying. We talked and he explained 1. I was giving him WAY too much info…he can’t process it fast enough and 2. he thought me telling him stuff was ME in a round about way asking him to do something for me. I had to tell him I was just “sharing” with him. 

He’s probably freaked out by the pregnancy and is trying to process it by figuring out how to be a good husband and a good father. I agree that the counseling is a good idea…however, I know you want to confide in your mom but be careful as it could inadvertantly change her opinion of him. You can always vent on the BEE 🙂

Post # 15
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Lemon-Squeezy:  You don’t need to answer these questions publicly, but I’d consider: are you on the same page with the unplanned pregnancy? Does he resent you for getting pregnant? Does he want to be a father? 

I feel it must have something to do with that given this is new behaviour since you’ve become pregnant. Obviously he needs to step up and be a good husband and father and maybe he is trying but it’s hard to adjust. 

I would say, “we are both stressed but I really need your support right now. It makes me feel unimportant and anxious when you (insert shitty behaviour) and I’d appreciate if you could work with me to change how we communicate.” 

Don’t blame him or be accusatory even if you do feel it’s his fault. You two need to work together, especially now. 

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