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Ugh!! I hate downers like those people!! I totally relate to needing thicker skin though, I let EVERYTHING get to me. So being the same way, I have no words of advice, only empathy!
Just keep your head high and remind yourself that it's YOUR DAY and you'll love it!
That kind of stuff gets to me too! I'm sure that on your big day, none of that will matter :)
I totally know what you mean. My FSIL (and one of my BM) is getting married a few months before us and we are having very different weddings. I don't feel any sense of competition but it is really important to my dad that we have real dishes (as oppossed to throw away which is common in our area and I am in no way judging that) and silverware. It's what we did for my sister's wedding and my dad just absolutely HATES eating on paper plates with plastic forks. Don't know why, he just does. I can't count the number of times my FIL's have made comment about how they arent't having anything like that at their wedding. Just very simple, affordable stuff. Nothing outrageous like that. They've also made comments about how I want real flowers and she wants fake, etc. I've jsut gotten to the point where I don't talk about my wedding with them at all. I have never been trying to compete over this. We are 2 different couples have 2 different weddings. End of story. No need to make anybody feel bad about choices for their wedding.
I know our wedding will be fine and it will be done in our own way, granted a little differant. but it is our day so each to their own.
Somedays comments like these dont bother me, but otherdays it just hurts a little more than what it should.
Good to at least know that Im not alone :) thanks for replying!
I hear you. When my coworker asked about wedding plans, I told her FI and I had asked a very close friend to marry us (outdoor wedding and all). She gave me a disgusted look. I reminded her that we are not religious--and how spiritual and religious are not mutually exclusive--and she said "well most people have the decency to have their wedding in a church out respect for their parents."
Whoa! The comment made me especially angry because my coworker happily calls herself Christian yet she absolutely does NOT "do unto others" and all that jazz. She's actually a pretty horrible and hateful person. Yet somehow she is better than me because she would have her wedding in a church? That attitude kills me.
Anyway, I am used to her saying incredibly rude things so I tried my best to shrug it off and say "my parents love the idea." But that still didn't deter her. Funny thing is, I am pretty sure she is warped enough to expect an invite! Good luck with that, lady.
I am getting annoyed that people keep saying that our wedding shouldn't be in January because of the snow. All of the snowing this year happened in Dec. and Feb. And it is our wedding, and it is what works best for us financially and work wise.
When the comments stop becoming helpful they are annoying already...
invest in some boots
I totally understand how you feel....people just don't understand how insensitive those comments are...but you will have good and bad days....some days you will let it just roll off your shoulders and other days you will BLOW up....now being just 30 days away for our wedding...I can honestly say that at this point I could care less what people think, don't have time for all the negativity....this is OUR day...the way WE want it...I just focus on the important things....because at the end of the day....someone will have SOMETHING to say....so poo them!
@ccranetobe - I totally understand your frustration! My MOTHER made an awful (in my opinion) comment to me 1.5 months before the wedding:
"I kind of wish you had stuck to your original idea of a big wedding. I enjoyed being a part of the planning, helping you look for places on the internet and I was looking forward to visiting places with you and helping to pick out the menu and stuff."
I was just like "WTF!" I couldn't do anything about it at that point so I didn't know why she even said it! It just made me feel like total CRAP! My mom was involved in EVERY detail of my wedding (except the food because my husband's mom catered it). So I don't know why she was having issues!
I have found that people in general are just more anti-marriage than I had ever imagined! Everyone knows that my FI and I have been together for almost 7 years now and that we are SO excited to be marrying eachother and have had absolutely no problems... yet sometimes when I tell someone that I am getting married soon they look shocked, disgusted and are like "Seriously? WHY? You are so young!". I want to know what happened to people keeping their judgements to themselves, keeping their mouths shut, and simply saying "Congratulations!"
I got this comment from someone when they found out we're having a ceremony and not a mass in our church.
"Thank God, now it won't be SO LONG!"
Um, if you can't spare an hour of your fabulous life for my wedding, please don't bother coming.
I've been having a 'crap on Jen's wedding' week... or 2. So yeah, I totally empathize! I'm not really sure how to tell you to let this stuff go, but for our sanity we need to let it go. Sometimes people have no idea the impact their thoughtless comments can make. Others just don't have a filter so they blurt out what comes to mind without thinking about it at all. I get crazy comment all the time, from everyone. My MOH is queen off offering a recommendation for or solution to something that was never an issue. I would tell her, "so, I decided that I'd like to do________". And she'll say, "Oh! You know what you should do instead!". Then I want to slap her because I wasn't asking for input! Ah! A lot of times they are trying to help, they just totally miss the mark. I realize though, that I would never be offended if I wasn't already a bit emotional. I've become good at just ignoring, fake smiling and changing the subject. I'm hoping they get the point.
Um, WTH when did chairs start becoming a luxury at weddings??
I feel like I'm getting it from both sides. If I try to do something traditional- like register for china- I get negative comments like "That's such a waste! No one will buy it and you don't even need it!" Uh, we want it, so we registered for it. If people don't want to buy it, no one is forcing them. End of story.
Then, if we try to eliminate something that we don't think we need, like limos, we get the "Oh, but it won't be a wedding without limos!" or "you won't be a bride without a veil!" Uh, I thought us getting married was what made it a wedding and me a bride, not the transportation or attire.
People need to mind their own business. ugh.
Things like that really get to me too. I think because a lot of us on here put so much thought into our weddings. I know when FSIL got married, she had no real attachment to anything but the invites and her dress. Everything else she was like, "oh, whatever X wants" - she still got mad when family attacked over things, but I don't think it was as personal to her, but the decisions were often that of her MIL or her own mother. But when you put painstaking detail into the favors, picking out the venue, writing the ceremony, etc, it gets personal when someone says something like, "You want to get married where?"
I could have written this post!
A sampling of comments I've heard:
- People complaining that we're getting married in July in Houston (yes, it will be hot outside, but we're getting married inside and our reception is inside and the a/c will be running). One of my BM's husbands was complaining about this on FACEBOOK. Umm - we're FB friends.
- People are upset we're having an adults only wedding/reception. I've tried to explain we are having an elegent seated dinner reception at a nice venue and its not child friendly (and its hard for kids to sit through a full mass wedding). Its a decision FI and I made and its what we want for our wedding.
- Comments about how we're having a large wedding. Umm - we both have large familes and lots of friends. Why is a large wedding suddenly tacky?
It seems like people just have comments about everything. I keep reminding myself that its our wedding and we shouldn't have to defend our choices.
I hear you on this. The craziest comment I've had thus far was from one of my best friends. We had gone dress shopping the day before (it was my third time out looking) and I found a gorgeous dress that I LOVED, made my sister cry, etc. It was also out of my budget. I found a sample dress at the same store that can be altered fairly easily to look very similar to my dream dress and it was less then half the price (SCORE!). As it's a sample, I had to actually pick up the dress quickly, which I did the next day. We decided to have lunch together to sort of celebrate and as we're eating she says:
"If I had your body and was you, I would have gone with the first dress you tried on...but to each their own."
UMMM....WTF?!?! The first dress wasn't in the running at all (it was stunning, but made me look like a fat pyramid in a pouffy dress) and I have JUST RETURNED FROM BUYING ANOTHER DRESS. I just looked at her. I know that she meant well, but it really stung.
I KNOW that I haven't always been the most understanding about weddings in the past...when you're not planning it, paying for it, etc. sometimes you can say things without thinking. This is why I'm doing my absolute best not to take things personally, because people don't seem to understand how much of yourself goes into the details of planning a wedding (especially if they haven't done it themselves). So far, the success at this has been minimal, but I keep reminding myself that most of the comments are from good friends, who just aren't thinking.
seriously, if people don't like something about your wedding, they need to just keep their comments to themselves. of course, there will always be someone who disagrees with the way you are handling things, but why they feel the need to share their unsolicited thoughts with the bride or groom is beyond me.
for a while I was thinking that once you get married yourself, it makes you more aware of the do's and dont's of basic wedding courtesy. based on the experiences people here have had though, it doesn't sound like it!
I just say, "hey, I'm really excited about my wedding and I'm happy with our plans". Then leave.
i had a lot of negative comments from people when i would tell them the things i was doing myself (which was pretty much anything i was able to do). i would say i was making the cake and they would be all "are you sure? that's a big project. i don't knowwwwwwww." it got on my nerves a ton because i KNOW what i can do and i know what i want. you just have to let it slide because everyone feels like they can give their two cents and think they are helping when they aren't. sometimes you just have to say "thank you for sharing your opinion but this is my wedding and this is how i want it." it was also nice to show them all when they saw the final wedding pictures or the event itself and saw how awesome everything i made myself turned out. so i proved i knew what i wanted and how to make it happen. and you will do the same. my fiance also stepped in to tell people to back off when it was his family making comments. your wedding will be great because it's all about you two and no one else.
Thought I would ressurect this thread because Ive had a comment and made me feel..
wth am I going through all this stuff for.
'gee charis your having cupcakes? wow... thats differant(insert sicastic tone) um.. ta I think. person replies 'what an original idea' (even more sicastic tone)'
Negative person:Oh i like that idea for a guestbook. But i dont think its going to work...
Me: umm why not? (my guest book is just people writing wishes on cardstock) Negative Person: because its differant than the normal.
like wth... Im def a sissy in letting these comments get to me now. I just want to scream at the top of my lungs.. WHO CARES! its my wedding!! but im too much of a pushover and let things slide as my mum told me to chose my battles.
Its just getting me down.
My mum told me to choose my battles too :) In life, not wedding planning as such. It's good advice!
To be honest if these are the kinds of comments you're getting, I'd just stop discussing the wedding with everyone except your FI (and anyone else you know will be supportive). If someone asks how the planning is going, say fine and change the subject. If someone asks what chairs/colours/songs/food you're having, say you haven't decided yet/are keeping it a surprise, and change the subject. Keep yourself sane and don't pander to the curiosities of rude folk :)
Mountainbride. I have tried. The first convo that came up was from the ladies mum who is making my top cake. It was related because I was talking to her daughter.
The second one just happend to be the lady at the stationary stop then again discussing if he could mass print my guest book.
unfortunately those sitchos couldnt be avoided. I try not to talk to people about it thats why i have WB!
you just have to realize that anything interesting is going to be considered weird or wrong to boring or jealous people with no imaginations. when you have your wedding and love everything you chose and see the photos you won't care what those people said. they don't know what they are talking about and are just negative. people who can't visualize always think anything new is a bad idea. those are the people who don't make the world a more interesting place. so just remember you are doing cool stuff for you and it will all be great!
I have already started a "complaints dept" list in my head but if I were smarter I would just let their comments roll off of me.
I have received a lot of the above plus negative remarks about how our wedding is a "destination wedding." The venue is about 90 minutes north of NYC by car and we did everything we could to make it easy for people to travel in and out for the day (scheduling it in the late afternoon instead of evening, providing a free shuttle from the train station). We could easily spend double the $ if we did it in the city, and we wouldn't be able to invite everyone we wanted to or have it outdoors.
Somebody once told me "the bride can never do good" in everyone's eyes. Amen to that.
Thanks for letting me rant!
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because this wedding planning is making me feel like a sissy.
I am constantly finding these days that small comments are getting underneath my skin.
Like today:
Favors are a waste of money and there always crap anyway: says SIL. she might have her own valid point in her opinion, but it got to me.
Why do you want lighting at your wedding? only rich people can have that... my BRIDESMAID made that comment...
'charis... wow.. your having a big wedding... ' (says co-worker who overheard myself and another girl at work who is also engaged discuss our weddings) um yeah we are, just cause our family is huge... (co-worker, in an overly nice manner) oh I wouldnt have a big wedding, they just come in and eat all your food and you have to pay for it and people buy you crappy gifts! Me and other co-worker stand there shocked...
not my day.
Anyone had a few convos like this that got you feeling a little down?