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hello bees,
SO and I had another huge fight last night about his gaming, and long story short he (grudgingly) agreed that 3 nights a week he won't saty up late (npot enough in my opinion, but it is a start). basically even though we came up with a plan, i feel like he was just doing it to shut me up or something, because he still really doesn't understand how much this is hurting our relationship.
even though he says our relationship is his first priority, his actions don't show it. we have had this same fight about once a week for a month. it isn't healthy and a combination of this and me being turned down for sex quite a bit has me feeling like he really doesn't care. I don't want to take the backseat to his gaming. i know it is his form of stress relief, but it has taken over his life, and quite frankly, mine.
i hate the feeling that i am more invested in the relationship than he is, and i'm considering he might not be the guy for me. i love him so much, but it just seems like we are not at all on the same page about how much time we should be spending together. i'm scared, because we are supposed to be moving in together officially in a month (i spend every night at his place, haven't slept at home in months, and that is how he likes it).
if things are bad now, how is it going to be when he is in the police academy this fall and is even more stressed? what do you ladies think i should do?
"what do you ladies think i should do?"
Send him a link to this post. He needs to read it and know how you feel.
i'll consider it. basically everything that i said in this post, i said to him last night and his response was "what do you want me to say?"
@hellopurple: Wow. In that instance, I would say "We need counseling or this is over".
For me, his reply is just not acceptable. That's a blow-off answer.
@hellopurple:I definitely wouldn't be moving in with him. Also, if he wants to stay up late without you then I would probably start spending more time at your place and then scheduling nights together where there is no gaming. It sounds like his gaming is becoming, if not already, more important than you and he needs to reset and realize what his priorities are.
ETA:You know what else, have you read The Five Love Languages? Or do you know what each others love language is? I guess that yours might be
Was cutoff so further ETA:...Quality Time. If he knows that then he needs to show it. Relationships can take work and putting someone else first sometimes. He needs to find the balance.
first... sorry you're in this position.... from my experience a one-sided relationship with the other being a selfish person is not worth the time or effort. Selfishness has no place in a relationship, hoped for one day marriage. In my book, if you couldn't marry the person in the condition they're in, or actively striving to be, then dating is just passing the time.
Unfortunately we can't make some one feel/understand where we may be coming from, and yea it sounds very much so that he just caved to not hear anything else... guys are known for this and generally become passive aggressive in it. For a man to respect himself and feel respected, he himself has to come up with and execute the solution... something your guy doesn't seem to even want to consider doing.
Sorry you're experiencing this.. from experience, no one likes feeling like they don't matter as much as something else... especially an object. ((hugs))
I pray that you have the comfort and strength needed for the season you're in, and that you have wisdom in all of your decisions...when to speak, how to speak, and what action(s) to take or not take.
I'd be done. 4 nights a week of late-night gaming is absolutely ridiculous. No one needs to spend that much time with a game. There is no excuse for it.
I agree with futuremrshc, counseling or it's over. It sounds like he has a gaming addiction. It's a problem and he needs to get help. If he doesn't, you need to be prepared to leave. You deserve better than someone who wants to spend his nights with a video game rather than in bed with you. Period.
I think you need to take a break from each other; as in live apart for awhile, so he can appreciate why he wants you in his life. And, if you decide to take a break, let him be the one to initiate contact. Do your best to get your own life back on track. Go out with some friends, take a class, get your nails done. Just take care of yourself. If he is the one, he will see the light, if you take a break from each other.
If it's this bad now IMO it's going to get worse and his refusal to aknowledge the problem would be confirmation for me.
I wouldn't move in I'd do the opposite get my shit out of there and let him prove how much he cares. Unlikely he will change his ways though so I wouldn't hold your breath.
everything you guys are saying makes so much sense. right now i am trying to figure out whether i need my sister's help getting my stuff out of his apartment. part of me doesn't want to involve her, because they are friends. i guess i have known deep down for a while that it would come to this. it just kind of makes me sick to think about, because i do really love him, and i've never been the person to break up with someone except for one very casual relationship. i really hope that he will sincerely want to change, but i somewhat suspect he will try to get me back without any actual changes. this just.... sucks so much, because a part of me was planning our wedding in my head not that long ago. maybe it was a psychological band-aid. i really appreciate all of your advice. i think i will be moving my things out tomorrow
get.out.now.
From a firsthand point of view dating a police officer who started the academy after we started dating, you will have to take a backseat to his career for at least a year, academy and FTO....if you are not a priority to him now, a priority to "gaming" I can only imagine how much less time and attention you will get while he is in the academy and "gaming" still. It was a struggle to find time for eachother when my fiance was in the academy and he made great efforts to make time for me.....
Are you with my ex? My ex was the exact same way. He spent all his time playing games. I barely saw him because he would just sit at home in his boxer playing endless hours. We were in college..so he was on the verge of being kicked out of school for poor performance. When he got in trouble..he would cut back on games..but eventually he go back..and the cycle starts all over again.
Okay I'm going to be the odd one out here with a conversation. Gaming isn't just a pleasure or a habit, it can be an addiction. It can't be quit cold turkey like some suggest (or you want). People play for the stimulation, challenge, and boredom. Have you asked your SO to stop playing and go do X? Sometimes guys see it as a time killer. Kind of a "she's doesn't have anything planned so I'll just play" situation (kind of like how we are here on the bee). They don't see it as harming you, or your relationship.
How does your SO act if you actually have something to do? Does he stop playing then?
I agree with "moving out". It sounds like you two are getting to be comfortable roommates, and aren't appreciating each other anymore. I suggest that you also sit down with him, and have a "how gaming affect us" talk - have specific examples. Don't just say "I feel ignored", say specific things about how you don't feel like you talk or do things anymore, and you feel like you're growing apart. Develop your own hobbies and own time away, rather than hanging around all of the time.
My DH and I used to have the same problems. But it was two-fold. I would be on the bee or facebook or blogger, ignoring him. And so he would get on D&D or some other video game and get involved. And the cycle continued. Now, we've agreed that DH can play (it is his stress relief, and he plays - without anything said by me - at least an hour a night), but if I ask him to stop, he does - no questions asked. I just have to blunt about it. Yes, I hate that he doesn't "notice" that I want attention and quality time, but he does respect me when I ask him to. Sometimes it's a give-take relationship that needs to be formed.
And while it sounds completely counterintuitive - have you tried playing with him? It might bring you closer together, and give you shared interests.
I voted "Other" so I will explain.
In your previous post on the subject, depression was brought up and you mentioned, if I remember correctly, that he did have a history of depression. I would strongly encourage him to seek help for his depression before just throwing in the towel. If this problem is caused/contributed to by depression, your leaving at this point could make things worse. If he refuses to get help, then yes, you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, even if that means moving out.
I also agree with everything afbacher said. Gaming can be every bit as addictive as alcohol or gambling or all those other addictions you hear about. Yet another reason for him to seek professional counseling.
I believe I also mentioned in my reply to you last time that you should try gaming with him. Games like the Fable Series, (I <3 Fable 3!!!!) are fun, but not as gory as Socom or Call of Duty if you don't like first-person shooters. Playing together for a short time each night, or a night or two a week may make it easier for him to play for an hour or two WITH you and then turn off the console for the night.
Again, PLEASE seek professional help with this issue, because it sounds in my (biased but no-means-professional) opinion that he is dealing with depression, gaming addiction, or both.
@hellopurple:Sometimes the games can really be an addiction. It's very very hard to deal with and I'm sorry you're going through this. Until he's had some time away from the games, he won't know that it was hurting you.
I could understand the late night gaming if you were right there beside him kicking his butt or vice verso, but that's just ridiculous. My current boyfriend, though I consider him my fiance minus the ring since we both want to get married, spends a TON of time on WoW and Rift, BUT he goes to bed when he's tired and I know I have the power to pull him away from his games ;).
Love is suppose to be from two sided, not one sided. He probably does love you but like anything, gaming is an addiction whether some people want to admit it or not. He needs to go to counseling, you both do. This way you can work out your problems with a third party listening, and throwing in suggestions. Love is always worth fighting for, but at some point you have to think of yourself. I hope the best for you two, but if you cannot get through to him it's time to give some space, and then if still no change it's time to find a man who will spend quality time with you, and love you equally.
Is he by any chance tall? Blonde? Hairy as hell? Thinks he's a viking? AKA My ex! lol
I think space or breaking up is for the best. I really prefer to work out problems, but when someone wont work with me is when I throw in the towel. I can't try and work with someone..to get them to work with me. lol Does that make sense?
My boyfriend plays a ton of video games, he is such a busy guy with full time school, full time work and side things. That's not an issue IMO, some people just like to play video games. I sometimes go through phases where it's all I do, then I'm done for awhile. The problem is him not working with you. You can't expect guys to be mind readers, but you sure as hell can expect them to sit up and realize there is a problem that needs fixing when you point one out to them.
Side note. That pseudo viking ex of mine? I tried to make it work for 2.5 years before I gave up! I always just told myself he was in a rut. Well, 5 years later he is still in the "rut". He still refuses to brush his teeth, still has long hair, still slouches, still has a bored/emo/depressed look on his face, still wears sweatpants, is still hugely overweight, and is still single. Consider that.
I agree with a lot of other PP's that it sounds like an unhealthy attachment to games, not just a simple hobby or thing to do for fun. My SO has always been the gaming type, too, but it took a backseat when we were spending time together or when he has schoolwork to do (which is often, since he's an engineer). He'll play a lot in small bursts, like when he gets a new game or has a lot of free time, but it has never been a priority. The point is, I think there is a huge difference between casual gaming and something that has become an addiction or destructive habit. If he's staying awake late 6/7 nights a week just to play, that's a little extreme.
With that said, I would also be alarmed at his answers to your questions and lack of responses when you're trying to have a very important discussion about your relationship and how you're feeling. I think moving out would definitely be a reality check for him, and some serious chats and maybe counseling would be a good start. So sorry you are having to deal with this!
@Tunacupcakes: Well, 5 years later he is still in the "rut".
I tried to help my ex out of this same "rut" for 5 years, we finally split when I was 20. 6 years later he's living his life the same way with another teenage girl who will realize that he's not going to change. And I kick myself for sticking around as long as I did, I felt like I wasted those years.
OP, if he won't make an effort to change maybe leaving is best for YOUR happiness.
@Miss Apricot: I was going to say pretty much the same thing, if you can get him to get some help and it doesnt work out then atleast you will know for sure and can make the best decision for you
As a gamer, who is involved with a gamer, it's about balance (as PP have stated). If he's not willing to actively seek the balance, then as PP have stated, it's time to give him the space and time to think through his actions. He will do 1 of 2 things. 1) he'll notice you're gone, miss the hell out of you and come crawling back, offering his power cables arranged in a pretty fashion in leiu of flowers, or 2) a month will go by, he'll look up from his game induced coma and wonder what the hell happened and try to remember if he had a cat. Hopefully, he'll be the guy who notices #1. Of course, you could always be the girlfriend who walks out in to the living room naked, shuts off the console (or computer) and gets his attention. If he turns back to computer (or console) I'd pack and leave. Right then.
I think it's down to a compatibility issue. My ex was a gamer and we went through this same thing over and over and over until my face was blue.
My husband? Not a gamer. And it's nice :) Not saying he shouldn't have his hobby, but if it's that important to him, he IS choosing his lifestyle over one with you together.
My husband does car stuff. Is he in the garage until 2 am four nights a week? Hell no. IMHO you won't get that balance with a gamer because those stupid ass games DON'T HAVE ENDINGS.
Sorry, that's me ranting...but if it's making you this unhappy, you need to do what's best for you...including being open to the idea that there is someone else out there with more common interests with you.
I was with a gamer, and it consumed so much. it may relieve stress sometimes, but staying up late and ignoring the real life is just escapism. my ex was a gamer and then took up drinking and most nights would stay up late drinking and playing games. i knew i couldnt live that way so I got out, and so should you.
My ex was a poker player and it was the same thing. We were in a LDR and when I'd come to visit after months of not seeing him, he'd still have to go play his poker game. It's just not right to have a game put before you, you deserve better!
My Fi used to game more than I was comfortable with as well. I also used to game with him but didn't play near the extent that he did.
I would suggest talking to him about it again, and offering up alternative things to do. I find if I ask J to spend less time on the computer, he would for a few days and then go back to it mostly because if we aren't doing anything.. or I'm doing something that doesn't interest him then what's he going to do.. sit there bored? He may just be playing for something to do and not realise that you are feeling neglected. He needs to put aside more time for you. He shouldn't be turning you down to play..as my FI says "Girlfriends drop better loot".
Luckily for me the game that we both play sucks since the last xp so we have a lot more "us" time now. Hopefully your man comes to his senses and realizes whats important.
My husband games as well, but he never lets it get in the way of his work, his chores, or our relationship. Everyone should have a hobby that they enjoy, but it's not healthy to be that consumed in any one thing. I would say to explain how feel, but it seems as though you've already done this. You don't deserve to take a backseat to anything, and if you are unhappy and it doesn't seem to be getting any better, perhaps getting away is the best thing.
I think gaming is fine unless it interferes with your relationship. It really sounds like it's interfering a lot right now. If you're getting turned down for sex for him to play a game, then there would be a real problem if it were me. There's no reason why a game should be put first over my feelings.
And the fact that he said, "what do you want me to say," just shows that he's dismissing your feelings as not being valid. That's something I hate more than anything. If it's hurting you enough for you to bring it up to him, then he needs to pay more attention to it.
"i spend every night at his place, haven't slept at home in months, and that is how he likes it"
This part of your post really disturbs me. Stop staying the night. If he's gaming when he should be coming to bed, and constantly turning you down for sex and making you feel like crap, then don't allow him the privilege of sleeping in the same bed with you. He needs a kick in the head to understand that if he doesn't put you before gaming, then he doesn't get to have you. Period. Geez...talk about having your cake and eating it too...
And if you ever get that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach that you're staying in this relationship for the wrong reasons, listen to it and leave him. Trust me on this and don't torture yourself just because it's easier than walking away.
I so know where you're coming from! This is long so forgive me....
I seriously dated a gamer before my current SO. He would always have to be home at 8PM nightly to do a raid with his friends, etc,.
It was really annoying b/c we couldn't go out and be on a normal timeframe, we always had to rush home so he could be on the computer.
I told him to quit , or scale back that how I felt second. He scaled back,then resented me for it, and threw it in my face. We eventually broke up, for multiple reasons, the gaming was one of the main ones.
On the flip side I'm dating another gamer (yeah I know) BUT the difference in this relationship is that my current SO puts me first and gaming second. Any time a new game comes out he plays for a bit, but he's not on the computer 24/7. I know that's his hobby, but not his life :) He knows about my ex's gaming habits and always tells me if you feel second please tell me so I can change that & I wont resent you for it. This works out really well because he has his priorities straight. He's nothing like the ex gamer addict.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A flip side of this is a girl I knew was dating a guy who was addicted to an MRPGs. She basically said fine you chose the game over me and they broke up. He woke up and got her back, scaled back his gaming & they're now happily married.
Another friend I had would game side by side with her husband. That worked for them. It would never work for me, I'm not a big gamer (like I'll play Sims or animal crossing on the Wii but that's it lol).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don't have an answer for you on what you should do. I really think you should talk about it or get some counceling even. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone out there and lots of couples face this issue today. I hope things work out for you with what ever you choose to do. I know if I stayeed with my ex I would still be picking up fast food containers around his computer while he gamed, or sitting by myself on the couch at night watching movies alone... depressed... but that was just me. Best of luck.
I dated a guy who was addicted to MRPGs. I ended up leaving the relationship after:
1. He kept saying he'd go look for a job and never did.
2. He punched a hole in the wall after his avatar died.
3. He went almost two weeks without showering.
4. He went almost a week without brushing his teeth - I had stopped kissing him by then.
5. One of his molars decayed and he pulled it out of his mouth... while sitting in front of the computer.
That was the day I left. He then stalked me for about a month and I had to call the police. He tried to prove his "love" for me by carving my initials in his arm.
You sound unhappy and the only one truly concerned about the relationship and putting in any effort to maintain a good bond between the two of you. Why put in all that effort if it seems like he has an addiction he is not willing to confront.
OP I say hold off on moving in. If you feel like this now and move in with him and then things get really ugly you might feel you are stuck there. Trust me been there, done that. It wasn't fun. I had 3 kids and couldn't afford to find my own place after that and I hated every day I was there. Yes, I loved him also but it would have been better to live apart and work things out first. Although, things weren't bad until after I moved in either.
Either way I just wish I had waited to move in with him because it would have saved me a lot of stress trying to decide what to do. It's ultimately your decision though. Maybe if you don't spend as much time with him he might start to realize what it's doing to your relationship. Start going back to your place without him and see if a break doesn't help.
Think about it: He grudgingly will give you LESS THAN HALF of his time. He's not even promising to spend 3 nights a week with you, just not to game 3 nights a week. And agreed, definitely don't sleep over the nights he is gaming. If he wants to game more than spend time with you, then so be it.
I used to game, and game with my boyfriend. Until it took up too much of our time, had a detrimental effect on our relationship and got boring after the latest expansion (Elarissa, we might be playing the sameone) so we quit. So I don't object to gaming in general, but abuse of relationship from gaming.
@kay01: got boring after the latest expansion (Elarissa, we might be playing the sameone)
If you're talking about WoW, it got boring after Buring Crusade. Really, the original game was the best. I miss MC taking three hours and a full raid group.
To the OP: Any updates to share? Has there been any progress? Again, I encourage you to encourage him to seek professional help, because this sounds like more than just a guy doing too much gaming...he's likely depressed, addicted, or both, and I truly wish both of you the best, whether that is together or apart.
@Miss Apricot: Yep, I started near the end of BC but leveled slowly and I didn't play endgame in BC, only wrath.
Seems to me you don't have to end things out right just yet. I would just let him know that on the nights you are together and/or you spend the night--no gaming. If he starts to game, you leave the house. You guys are still *dating* that means when you spend time together you should *date* and hang out *together*.
See if can do this and how many times a week you actually spend time together and if it is quality time.
Also--let go of the wedding fantasy. It will keep you attached much longer than necessary. You don't want to marry *him*, you want to marry the *idea* of him. No little girl dreams of marrying a guy that ignores her and doesn't even want to have sex with her.
I've never dated a gamer, but I do know one thing. This is an ADDICTION, just like an alcoholic, or drug addiction. or any other type. It is often over looked.
I wrote a paper about this for the Department of National Defence here in Canada for their addictions awareness website.
It is SHOCKING what I found out while researching that paper.
Two things IF he is willing to do the. HE must the one who wants to do these things or they won't work.
He needs couselling, and drug therapy. A drug that is used to treat obessive/compulsive disorders is VERY helpful with these types of addictions.
I wish you the best of luck and commend you for yoru courage for dealing with it as long as you have.
Just be careful to not be an enabler. Tough love is needed here.
I'm going to play the devil's advocate here because I love games. I play call of duty or SoTIS pretty much everyday and so does my fiance- we play together and it's great fun in evenings instead of watching tv or drinking (I'm not a drinker so we don't go out and party)
I can tell you from experience of dating guys who wanted me to stop playing games that the only way they got me to stop playing was if something legitimately interested me more. I have super bad adhd and unless they wanted to do something that stimulated my brain like video games I really didn't see the point in being bored with them instead of entertained alone. I know it sounds harsh but it really never meant i didn't love those people, it just didn't interest me to stop playing something to go watch the colbert report with my ex.
I think staying with him every night is just asking for disappointment, and expecting him to change is silly- he is who he is, if you want him to change why not be with someone else entirely? I'm sorry you're in this situation, try to understand that it's probably not that you're backburner to video games it's that his brain needs too much stimulation (i.e constant video games) for a human being tto be able to replicate =/ good luck hun! Do what feels right.
wow. just wow.
Your post is making it sound like what the OPs SO is doing is okay. IT'S not. The guy has a problem.
And how you decribe yourself? Sounds like you had issues with gaming addiction too and the ADHD thing sounds like a good cop out.
"he is who he is"... do you say that about a crack addict?
My ex was like that too, and he still is, over 7 years after we broke up. It was one of the many reasons our relationship ended, and I knew I would never again be with a gamer. My husband plays racing games, maybe once a month, if that. And that I don't mind, cuz its by himself and we can race together and that kind of stuff.
My opinion? Get all of your crap out of his place, and fill your time with things you want to do, without him. Either he will change his tune, or he won't, and then you will have your answer
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