Post # 1
SO and I had another huge fight last night about his gaming, and long story short he (grudgingly) agreed that 3 nights a week he won’t saty up late (npot enough in my opinion, but it is a start). basically even though we came up with a plan, i feel like he was just doing it to shut me up or something, because he still really doesn’t understand how much this is hurting our relationship.
even though he says our relationship is his first priority, his actions don’t show it. we have had this same fight about once a week for a month. it isn’t healthy and a combination of this and me being turned down for sex quite a bit has me feeling like he really doesn’t care. I don’t want to take the backseat to his gaming. i know it is his form of stress relief, but it has taken over his life, and quite frankly, mine.
i hate the feeling that i am more invested in the relationship than he is, and i’m considering he might not be the guy for me. i love him so much, but it just seems like we are not at all on the same page about how much time we should be spending together. i’m scared, because we are supposed to be moving in together officially in a month (i spend every night at his place, haven’t slept at home in months, and that is how he likes it).
if things are bad now, how is it going to be when he is in the police academy this fall and is even more stressed? what do you ladies think i should do?
Post # 3
“what do you ladies think i should do?”
Send him a link to this post. He needs to read it and know how you feel.
Post # 4
i’ll consider it. basically everything that i said in this post, i said to him last night and his response was “what do you want me to say?”
Post # 5
@hellopurple: Wow. In that instance, I would say “We need counseling or this is over”.
For me, his reply is just not acceptable. That’s a blow-off answer.
Post # 6
@hellopurple:I definitely wouldn’t be moving in with him. Also, if he wants to stay up late without you then I would probably start spending more time at your place and then scheduling nights together where there is no gaming. It sounds like his gaming is becoming, if not already, more important than you and he needs to reset and realize what his priorities are.
ETA:You know what else, have you read The Five Love Languages? Or do you know what each others love language is? I guess that yours might be
Was cutoff so further ETA:…Quality Time. If he knows that then he needs to show it. Relationships can take work and putting someone else first sometimes. He needs to find the balance.
Post # 7
first… sorry you’re in this position…. from my experience a one-sided relationship with the other being a selfish person is not worth the time or effort. Selfishness has no place in a relationship, hoped for one day marriage. In my book, if you couldn’t marry the person in the condition they’re in, or actively striving to be, then dating is just passing the time.
Unfortunately we can’t make some one feel/understand where we may be coming from, and yea it sounds very much so that he just caved to not hear anything else… guys are known for this and generally become passive aggressive in it. For a man to respect himself and feel respected, he himself has to come up with and execute the solution… something your guy doesn’t seem to even want to consider doing.
Sorry you’re experiencing this.. from experience, no one likes feeling like they don’t matter as much as something else… especially an object. ((hugs))
I pray that you have the comfort and strength needed for the season you’re in, and that you have wisdom in all of your decisions…when to speak, how to speak, and what action(s) to take or not take.
Post # 8
I’d be done. 4 nights a week of late-night gaming is absolutely ridiculous. No one needs to spend that much time with a game. There is no excuse for it.
I agree with futuremrshc, counseling or it’s over. It sounds like he has a gaming addiction. It’s a problem and he needs to get help. If he doesn’t, you need to be prepared to leave. You deserve better than someone who wants to spend his nights with a video game rather than in bed with you. Period.
Post # 9
I think you need to take a break from each other; as in live apart for awhile, so he can appreciate why he wants you in his life. And, if you decide to take a break, let him be the one to initiate contact. Do your best to get your own life back on track. Go out with some friends, take a class, get your nails done. Just take care of yourself. If he is the one, he will see the light, if you take a break from each other.
Post # 10
If it’s this bad now IMO it’s going to get worse and his refusal to aknowledge the problem would be confirmation for me.
I wouldn’t move in I’d do the opposite get my shit out of there and let him prove how much he cares. Unlikely he will change his ways though so I wouldn’t hold your breath.
Post # 11
everything you guys are saying makes so much sense. right now i am trying to figure out whether i need my sister’s help getting my stuff out of his apartment. part of me doesn’t want to involve her, because they are friends. i guess i have known deep down for a while that it would come to this. it just kind of makes me sick to think about, because i do really love him, and i’ve never been the person to break up with someone except for one very casual relationship. i really hope that he will sincerely want to change, but i somewhat suspect he will try to get me back without any actual changes. this just…. sucks so much, because a part of me was planning our wedding in my head not that long ago. maybe it was a psychological band-aid. i really appreciate all of your advice. i think i will be moving my things out tomorrow
Post # 12
From a firsthand point of view dating a police officer who started the academy after we started dating, you will have to take a backseat to his career for at least a year, academy and FTO….if you are not a priority to him now, a priority to “gaming” I can only imagine how much less time and attention you will get while he is in the academy and “gaming” still. It was a struggle to find time for eachother when my fiance was in the academy and he made great efforts to make time for me…..
Post # 13
Are you with my ex? My ex was the exact same way. He spent all his time playing games. I barely saw him because he would just sit at home in his boxer playing endless hours. We were in college..so he was on the verge of being kicked out of school for poor performance. When he got in trouble..he would cut back on games..but eventually he go back..and the cycle starts all over again.
Post # 14
Okay I’m going to be the odd one out here with a conversation. Gaming isn’t just a pleasure or a habit, it can be an addiction. It can’t be quit cold turkey like some suggest (or you want). People play for the stimulation, challenge, and boredom. Have you asked your SO to stop playing and go do X? Sometimes guys see it as a time killer. Kind of a “she’s doesn’t have anything planned so I’ll just play” situation (kind of like how we are here on the bee). They don’t see it as harming you, or your relationship.
How does your SO act if you actually have something to do? Does he stop playing then?
I agree with “moving out”. It sounds like you two are getting to be comfortable roommates, and aren’t appreciating each other anymore. I suggest that you also sit down with him, and have a “how gaming affect us” talk – have specific examples. Don’t just say “I feel ignored”, say specific things about how you don’t feel like you talk or do things anymore, and you feel like you’re growing apart. Develop your own hobbies and own time away, rather than hanging around all of the time.
My DH and I used to have the same problems. But it was two-fold. I would be on the bee or facebook or blogger, ignoring him. And so he would get on D&D or some other video game and get involved. And the cycle continued. Now, we’ve agreed that DH can play (it is his stress relief, and he plays – without anything said by me – at least an hour a night), but if I ask him to stop, he does – no questions asked. I just have to blunt about it. Yes, I hate that he doesn’t “notice” that I want attention and quality time, but he does respect me when I ask him to. Sometimes it’s a give-take relationship that needs to be formed.
And while it sounds completely counterintuitive – have you tried playing with him? It might bring you closer together, and give you shared interests.
Post # 15
I voted “Other” so I will explain.
In your previous post on the subject, depression was brought up and you mentioned, if I remember correctly, that he did have a history of depression. I would strongly encourage him to seek help for his depression before just throwing in the towel. If this problem is caused/contributed to by depression, your leaving at this point could make things worse. If he refuses to get help, then yes, you need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself, even if that means moving out.
I also agree with everything afbacher said. Gaming can be every bit as addictive as alcohol or gambling or all those other addictions you hear about. Yet another reason for him to seek professional counseling.
I believe I also mentioned in my reply to you last time that you should try gaming with him. Games like the Fable Series, (I <3 Fable 3!!!!) are fun, but not as gory as Socom or Call of Duty if you don’t like first-person shooters. Playing together for a short time each night, or a night or two a week may make it easier for him to play for an hour or two WITH you and then turn off the console for the night.
Again, PLEASE seek professional help with this issue, because it sounds in my (biased but no-means-professional) opinion that he is dealing with depression, gaming addiction, or both.
Post # 16
@hellopurple:Sometimes the games can really be an addiction. It’s very very hard to deal with and I’m sorry you’re going through this. Until he’s had some time away from the games, he won’t know that it was hurting you.