(Closed) I need your objective advice on FSIL (aka bad BM) (a little long)

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2682 posts
Sugar bee

Honestly what she did stinks but she is going to be your family either way and I think if you de-bridesmaid’ed her it would only make things worse.  Your wedding is only 2 months away so I assume she already has the dress, shoes, etc.  If I were you Id keep her as a BM and not count on her for much, especially if you are going to have a bachelorette party.  That way her only real duty is to stand up by you for the ceremony and to be in pictures.  Dont give her any assignments or ask for help, just kinda push her out of the picture but keep her as a BM.  You said your FI and her fight often, not knowing what she did, it might be something that they get over.

Post # 5
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I second naangel. Just let her be in the wedding party for show if you want to avoid any more drama. If you had a junior bridesmaid, you would only expect the same – pretty pictures, no money. At this point, if your FSIL is acting like a child, you should only expect her to have the responsiblities of a child.

Otherwise, if you think she is influencing your FMIL, your FI should stand up for you against both of them. Obviously your FSIL & FMIL have a close relationship, but maybe your FI has an in that he can use to convince FSIL what is expected of her, or influence your FMIL to talk to FSIL. I know that all sounds complicated, but it’s still your FI’s family and I think you should speak with him about what to do or if he’ll help you smooth things over.

Post # 6
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

your FSIL AND FMIL dumped your pre-arranged bridal shower for a football game AND they didnt have the courtesy to tell you.. yikes

as the wedding is so close and as she is your FI’s sister – would be quite, expect the bare minimum from her and hope she shows up. other than that, i wouldnt put any emotional attachment to her participation

this is another example of why not to choose a FSIL as a BM just because shes related to the groom

goodluck and remember to breathe and smile

Post # 8
Member
3252 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wow. Can I just say that she sux. Sounds like she has a lot of maturing to do. If it were ME….I would kick her out on her butt….but that’s just ME. Screw me once shame on you….screw me twice shame on me.

Being a bridesmaid is a role she should be proud of. You asked her to stand by your side on the most important day of your life, in front of all your family and friends and she can’t even take the role seriously….like for real?

I would be very angry. But again thats just ME.

In the end you should make the decision that you are comfortable with and will be able to live with.

I agree that you should have your FI talk to his mother about everything that you’re feeling.

Post # 9
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

geez vista – what a sucky mom to not support her child when he has such a huge professional moment like that!  

as she seems to disregards so much about her son i really dont think even speaking to her will help in anyway – she seems to have checked out as a proud parent/FMIL so i would just make plans for you and your mr to be your own family unit, a family unit that is supportive and there for eachotehr

 

Post # 10
Member
3252 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I second eloping on the sucky mom thing.

Post # 11
Member
2208 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Yeah, this is one of those things you just have to suck up and take the high road on. That is what we are here for, vent to us!

Post # 12
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree. 

I think you should left a calm, upbeat message the next time she doesn’t answer your phone call and say, “everything is great, I don’t need anything else from you but to be here at this time and date” and pretty much drop her from everything else that you might expect from a BM.

Because at this point, she isn’t being a BM, she’s being a bratty sister.  Just let her stand up there with you on the wedding and take notes because some day she will be getting married and when that happens I think she’ll have a different prespective…

Post # 14
Member
3125 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

this is just clearly the type of situation where now you know better. she may feel left out later in life but I wouldn’t bother asking either of them to do anything or invite them anywhere until they got their act together.  it’s one thing for a 21 year old to flake, but another for the mother of the groom to flake, too.  Clearly you have your stuff together, so just don’t give them any responsibility for anything important and everyone will be happy. Sorry to hear about the situation!  @ least your family is supportive.

Post # 15
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Okay, first of all that totally sux about FSIL and FMIL. I am sitting here fuming that they skipped both your shower and his first performance. That’s a really big deal!

If you could go back in time, I would say don’t ask FSIL in the first place to be a BM and don’t involve either in planning your shower, but it’s too late to change your mind about the wedding party now. Others are right, it will only cause more unnessesary drama and like it or not, she’ll be your sister for life in a couple months. She gets put last in the lineup though.

Do not pay for her hair! Instruct the hairdresser ahead of time that you are only paying for X BM’s and ask to be settled early. Or give your BM’s the cash ahead of time so it looks like everyone is paying for themselves. You are only paying for BM’s who went out of their way with time, effort and money to make your day special. She did none of those things. And it’ll be a little consolation prize for you – she’s still in the wedding but had to pay for everything and has to walk last.

Post # 16
Member
1732 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I think taking the high road is the ebst option.  Even if you booted her from the bridal party, you can’t fire her from family.  I’d leave it alone.

The topic ‘I need your objective advice on FSIL (aka bad BM) (a little long)’ is closed to new replies.

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