- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
I have recently lied to my fiancé because i am a total piece of shit. I will try to make this short because my iPad died while I was writing the whole history of it. I started off the relationship with my beautiful fiancé three years ago when we met in college. I was a heavy sex addict when we met, never having a real relationship only a short list of sexual encounters. I was constantly watching porn and looking for sex with just about anybody. I felt something different from her from the moment I first saw her but I was unable to recognize what it was. I got her alone at her place to study and pressured her into having sex with me. It was the best sex I had ever had, and I didn’t really know why. I guess just decided she was simply another hot girl I wanted to fuck, what a loser right? I used her over and over for sex until she was fed up with my shit and I decided that I wanted to be in a relationship with her. I was a full blown sex addict at this time and it wasn’t getting any better. Even when we got serious I was still looking at porn all the time and still trying to find casual encounters on craigslist. It is disgusting I know. It was the reason I was afraid of getting involved with somebody because I knew that I was fucked up sexually and emotionally. I know that some of you probably laugh at the term sex addict but it really is no laughing matter. I found myself always trying to get sex however I could before I met her. I was even going and getting a sexual rush by giving a couple of guys blow jobs in a public park. I am not even attracted to men in the slightest, that shows you how serious a sex addiction can be. I decided when I got serious with her that I would stop, but it didn’t. I was still going and watching porn even though I was getting the best sex I had ever had, I didn’t understand that it was because I was really connecting with her. After I had told her that I loved her the summer after we had first met, I cheated on her with an extemely ugly woman just to get my fix. I met her on craigslist and then shortly after I met some guy on craigslist and I met him at his house where I gave him oral sex while his friend fucked me. At this point I had reached an all time low, and as a result I tried to distance myself from her, but I couldn’t stay away. She was suspecting that I wasn’t who I seemed and I just decided to give her the password to my email so she could see everything because I was too much of an asshole to tell her, so I just gave her everything in the most painful wa possible. She took it well, but of course was completely destroyed, but instead of killing me or never seeing ke again she helped me, she helped me find the help I needed because she is the most loving and caring person that anybody could imagine. Because of her I cleaned up, and I am completely past all of my sex issues, and she is the on ly person I want to have sex with or even look at. For whatever reason, she stayed with me and it was the best thing that had ever happened to me, but I have ruined her life. She now finished college, I didn’t. I lost motivation and went to a trade school that I also failed to finish, but I managed to do enough to get a job in the trade. In the last few months she was also supporting us, because I didn’t have a jog, just the school that I failed to complete. I am hardly a man. I have gotten past the sex addiction, but it caused major trust issues in our relationship. I didn’t go back to the way I was before but I lied to her about several small things and some larger things that I shouldn’t have lied about, until she got sick of it and told me we would be finished if I lied to her again. She deserves so much better than me. I have this new job and she is looking for work after having graduated. I have been feeling really bad about the kind of person I have become, so since my first day at my job was at the end of the pay period, I decided that I would cash it and keep the money so tha I could sit at home in a dark room on Christmas eve when she was staying at her moms house and drink a six pack and feel sorry for myself like the pathetic bastard I am, and my thoughts were that I would then finally be able to put the past behind me and be the fiancé that she deserved. She found out about my lying though and was rightfully furious. A lot of this story will make younthink that I am sick and that I don’t love her, but that isn’t true, I really love her, but that doesn’t matter anymore. We will not be getting married now and she doesn’t want me in her life anymore, in fact she was even texting her abusive ex boyfriend tonight. At least he never let her down as much as I have. I want to fight for her, but I feel it is too late, she will probably cancel the wedding tomorrow. I feel completely helpless now and it is my own doing. I broke the trust that was barely there. I want her back but I know that will not happen. Is ther anything I can do for her? Is there anyway to give back the three years I have take from her? I just want to make sure she does good by herself, and the only way I have come up with is murdering her ex and killing myself too, because that way she would at least not move backwards, and maybe she could have a chance at finding wht she really deserves. That insane though I can’t kill somebody and I know me being dead would only make it worse for her, because for some reason she loves me, and I want to make things right and be her husbnd, the kind she deserves. Please help me, just tell me what you think I can do to give something back to her. She is my best friend and my soulmate, and she saved my life. She made me know love and what it really means to be alive. I can’t live without her but she can never be happy with me now. Ay ideas? Anybody? Please help me, even ifyou just want to tell me I am a piece of shit, I already know, so please give me an idea.