Weddingbee boards

GAH! I am so frustrated right now! I'm not really looking for advice because I can't really do too much, but just looking for some support and/or words of wisdom.

Sorry it's so long!

So my bestfriend has been in a relationship with this guy for 2 years now. The first 6 months he was such a good guy. They basically lived at my house, swimming in the summer, BBQs, and hikes. We all got along wonderfully. Then he started to change when he got a new job. He has to go away for a few weeks at a time, sometimes a few months for his job. And my friend knows the types of people he works with like to do heavy drugs and go to strip clubs. So they both agreed he wouldn't do any of those things while away on the job. WELL, 2 months in and he calls her and tells her the other night he got so drunk, did coccaine, and went to a strip club. Now did she yell at him, break up with him? NOPE. She cried on the phone and told him how much she missed him and wanted him to come home. And I was the one who stayed awake with ehr for 48 hours straight, taking her out places, trying to distract her until he came home. And what did she do? She forgave him instantly because she said he was beating himself up enough.

Fast forward another month and thats when his jealousy started show. She was with me at my university this summer to sign some papers when he texted her, and told her there better not be any men around her or else he would be extremely mad at her. She thought this was a joke, but it turns out he was extremely serious and wanted her to stay out of situations where men might be around. She is not allowed to go out to a club, or really anywhere with certain friends because they are "liable" to make her want to cheat.

This summer her and I drove up to where he was working for a 5 day camping trip. The plan was he would drive to our campsite and they could get some time together. Well turns out that wasn't happening, so everyday I had to drive her an hour into the city, drop her off at his hotel so that she could either watch him sleep or do his laundry. Then drive an hour back to the campsite. I put in my own time and money just so that that trip could happen, and it ended up being completely pointless. 

Now she hasn't been completely honest either. She lied about her ex, telling her current boyfriend that they weren't serious and it meant nothing. When in reality, she still sees him constantly. And texts him NON STOP. And he is in her phone under a fake girls name. I told her she needed to be honest with him, but she refuses telling him because it will only hurt him. 

She constantly makes excuses for him. And when she confronts him about it he always says "I don't want to lose you, you are my everything, I want to marry you. What can I do to change?" and he never changes. The past few days I really thought she was going to end things. But she went over to his house tonight and once again he said he didn't want to lose her, and he wants to change. And she believes him.

Now I know this isn't my relationship. And I have tried my damndest to convince myself that I'm not in the relatonship, I don't know how it is. But it is rediculous! He constantly hurts her and lets her down. She isn't the same happy, strong, and positive person she was before. She just doesn't understand it and nothing I say gets through to her. She just agrees and then goes back to him. This girl is like my sister. I would do anything for her. And I do not want to end our friendship. But I hate just watching him destroy her! And she just does not see it! She sees the good guy he was to begin with, and shes holding on to the slivers of that that may appear the odd day now. 

After writing this, I now feel bad for. But I still don't understand. I know she knows he is no good for her, and that yes the beginning of the relationship was good, but it has gone sour now. And he isn't physically abusive to her. And I know if she broke up with him he wouldn't go after her or anything like that. It is more like he makes her feel bad for even considering breaking up because he is so "willing to change" and he still loves her.

WHY BEES WHY!?

@Scottish_lassie:  I know. It just kills me to think that my bestfriend is being pushed around and wasting her life on this guy!

@mkathleenwhite:  I actually just talked to her about it. And somewhere along the lines the conversation turned into me being the bad guy. And she was degrading me and then she constantly denied every point I made. Even though my points were of actual events that happened, and not even my opinion. At no time did I say I think you should break up with him etc... I was just explaining to her all of the events and how she should take a further look at it. I mean she told me it was okay for him to do drugs when he was drunk because he was absent minded. But not okay for him to cheat when he was drunk, because some how he shouldn't be absentminded then? If that makes sense? 

It all ended with me saying that I guess we have different expectations in life and relationships.

@Scottish_lassie:  Thank you. I actually needed that because as I just mentioned somehow she has me thinking I am the terrible person now?

The only thing I am really confused about, is she kept saying she is in no rush. I can't believe she would rather be in this relationship than be single. Especially when she tells me all the time that she wishes she were single so she can fuck her ex and go out and do things with her other friends.

@bestbuddies:  I really hope it doesn't come to that. I am in the midst of writing a calm letter to her. Apologizing about the way I tallked to her, but still remaining true to what I said earlier.

And yes I agree she is doing bad things as well. However, she thinks her bad things aren't important. When we both know if she told him, he would probably break up with her.

Thanks everyone! I love how positive and supportive the bee is!

@TonyaM:  I'm glad you gave some sort of insight from the other side. After having somewhat of a blowout argument last night I decided to write her a letter. I let her cool off, and infact she ended up texting me this morning as if nothing happened last night. I gave her the letter that said basically everything I said lastnight but in a much more calm and supportive manner. And at the end she told me that her relationship had far more happiness than sadness. She told me that the things I was using against him (the drugs, jealousy, anger, the not listening, and complete idiocy) were things that didn't really matter so much to her. And then she continued to tell me that I had far to high expectations in what I wanted out of a relationship and that no man will ever be able to live up to it. So I just told her that I was heartbroken that she can't see how much more she deserves, and that if my expectations of being treated as an equal individual in the relationship, having trust, and no drugs and no constant drinking were too high, then I was ok with being alone for the rest of my life.

Then she said okay, and told me that it wasn't a big deal and we should just move on. I agreed, but said I needed to take a little break from her for a few days (we often talk everyday) because I was just getting so upset of how she was handling this and accepting this.

Am I in the wrong? Is that too much to ask of a guy? I know that everyone makes mistakes but if my guy knowingly got drunk with a bunch of guys who frequently did coccaine, and then did it himself, I would probably break up with him. Or at least seriously re evaluate our relationship and his priorities/beliefs.

Oh boy that is one doomed relationship! It's so hard to bite your tongue- I know! My sister dates the same idiot on and off over and over (even after finding out he got married and had a kid one time during their "off" cycle... yea...)- I guess you just have to hope that she'll figure it out or he'll catch her texting, you know? His jealousy and insecurities (although they may have some validation considering) most likely mean he cheated already- otherwise why would he suddently start freaking out? It's his guilt! *sigh* I feel you girl- hang tough and be the good friend you have been ;)