I never thought it would happen to me but…

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 4
2642 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Yikes!  How rude! I agree with your FMIL that you shouldn’t say it’s for financial reasons. Simply apologize and say that you cannot accomodate any extra guests.  If she presses, I might tell her that if you get enough RSVP nos, then she can bring her daughter.  Good luck!

Post # 5
113 posts
Blushing bee

I agree with the angle you plan to take this from. Just tell her exactly what you put in your original conversation.

I expect her to play on the fact that her daughter is disabled to try and manipulate you to extend her a plus one. Stand your ground, if neither you or your FI are close to her let alone her daughter then its only fair that she’s not extended the courtasy. I don’t think your breaking any ettiqute rules if you genuinly didn’t know that she had another member of family living with her.

Post # 6
237 posts
Helper bee

Ugh, that’s too bad! I think you’re going about it the right way, but how rude of her to corner not only your FMIL, but you as well! 

My bride was cornered at her Jack and Jill party by an old friend’s sibling who demanded to know why the old friend was not asked to be in the bridal party, when my bride was asked to be in hers. It was the absolute worst thing to have to try to deal with when we were so busy.

Post # 8
2912 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This has nothing to do with her daughter being disabled but I’m sure she will play it that way. Just say you have many friends missing out as numbers are tight. She can’t force you to invite her daughter. If she declines because if this then great, more room for your friends!

Post # 11
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m surprised that your FMIL (and FI) didn’t tell you about this daughter. This is the kind of thing, where even if I didn’t extend the invitation to the daugther, I would let the bride know. LIke, “No she’s a widow, but she does have a daughter” and let you decide the fate of the +1. FMIL is the one who put you in this awkward position, even though the neighbor is being rude by insisting that she’s invited.

I would definitely tell the woman that you’re sorry that you didn’t know about the daughter, but the guest list has been made. She can either RSVP no, or wait and see if there is room for her later (IF that’s something you decide to do).

Post # 13
3948 posts
Honey bee

@TwoStatesBride:  They told me no, she is a widow, so she would come alone.

Honestly, this statement bothers me a lot and I stopped readding. My mom is a widow and she is constantly invited to events without a +1. It’s hurtful enough to not have her husband here, but to just assume she will forever want to go to events alone just because she is a widow is even more hurtful.


Post # 14
9 posts
  • Wedding: July 2013

Always difficult to be diplomatic in situations like that…. I had to deal with a similar situation for my wedding last month. In the end its your wedding and you are under no obligation to invite people that you dont really know. sounds like J is being pretty unreasonable, i would do as others suggested if she keeps pushing and tell her she can come if enough ppl decline. it’s either that, or be brutally honest and say ‘um, why should i have to invite someone i don’t know at all?’ but then again, that’s not too diplomatic. lol. good luck!!

Post # 15
1470 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not defending the woman’s actions in confronting your FMIL, I definitely think anyone who isn’t given a +1 and is upset about it should just not come, wouldn’t dream of saying anything to anyone, especially the bride…that’s crazy.

My FSIL, who’s sitting right here :-), and is a PhD psychologist who specializes in child psych and developmental disorders says that parents of children with disabilities can be very protective and it naturally carries over into their adulthood. It’s really important to include persons with these disorders in everyday activities and celebrations to lend as much exposure and normalcy to their lives as possible. I imagine being excluded will probably hurt her daughter’s feelings and as neighbor to your FMIL, J is probably hurt herself that your FMIL wouldn’t mention her daughter to you. This mama bear mentality might be clouding her “social grace” judgment and she’s unwilling to see that she’ll be committing a major gaffe is mentioning it to you.

Post # 16
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@TwoStatesBride:  If I were you, I would invite the daughter.  My uncle has Downs, is 47 years old and still lives with my grandparents and is completely dependent on them.  Who will watch this woman’s daughter if she actually has to attend the wedding alone?  She probably won’t be able to come and I think in this instance, there should be an exception made.

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