Post # 1
So a few months ago I wanted to order the dresses. I was having problems getting ahold of one of my BMs. I finally did, and she told me that she was surprised we were ordering them so early and that she couldn’t afford to put any money on a dress until the summer. I told her that I could cover the deposit on the dress, with the understanding that she would pay me back in the summer. (Summer is just too late to order the dresses – maybe she thought we were ordering off the rack?). Anyway, she told me that she couldn’t make time to get fitted until April, so the dress hasn’t been ordered yet.
The problem is, is I can’t really afford the deposit now. A few months ago, I thought it would be fine, but money has been tight with all the wedding planning. In April, we will be talking to our florist and will need to put a deposit down for that. As well as the cake. So I have big concerns that paying this deposit is going to be difficult.
Would it be rude for me to bring the subject up again and ask her if there’s any way she’d be able to afford the deposit herself? My FI could probably pay it, but she might feel like that’s weird. I feel like it’s weird, especially if she takes awhile to pay him back.
Post # 3
You probably shouldn’t have told her you could pay for it when you can’t afford it right now. However, you already committed to helping her out, and I don’t think it would be cool of you to back out now. Since you and the FI will be a single unit soon, I would just ask him to pay for it without bringing it up to her again. Either way, with you paying, or him paying, don’t be surprised when collecting the deposit back is difficult or awkward.
Asking for repayment from friends always seems to be a bit weird…especially in this case, when they’re borrowing money from you (or your FI) for a dress for your event. Expect that you will need to ask for the money and it may take a while to get repaid…
Just my cynical experience with lending money to friends.
If you don’t pay, and she doesn’t have the money, then your dresses won’t get ordered, right? Think big picture.
Post # 4
I agree. I got married in 2001 and still haven’t been paid back. After a while I was just like f-it because I’m not the type to nag.
Post # 5
Hey could you maybe have a talk with her, explain the situation and offer to cover half og the deposit if she does the other half? Try and reach a compromise? Weddings are expensive for everyone, including the bridal party and I’m sure you can meet in the middle.
Post # 6
@DomesticDiva: I agree that I shouldn’t have offered to pay. It just felt like the right thing to do rather than saying “well, sorry, if you can’t pay for it, you can’t be in the wedding”. But also, I just didn’t realize that the month of April specifically would be expensive. It doesn’t feel right to dip into our wedding savings to get the money. (It would also cost me money as it’s a high interest savings account.)
I also think though, that my friend should not have accepted this role if she couldn’t afford it. I felt I was very clear about the costs involved, because I know she’s not good with money. I wanted to make sure that there were no surprises. I didn’t think she’d actually think we’d be ordering dresses a month before the wedding.
Post # 7
Why would she need to know the money came from your FI? I think you have to pay it now, you already offered. You should also realize you wont get it back.
Post # 8
You shouldn’t have offered to pay if there was any inkling you couldn’t.
Saying, “Well sorry you can’t be in the wedding” at least is up front. Now it’s “Well I guess I’m backing down on my promise and you can’t come up with the money, so I guess you’re not in the wedding.” This close to go time is a real slap in the face.
I suggest going halfsies on the deposit.
If you knew she wasn’t good with money, and there was any suspicion she may not be able to afford it, why did you ask her? Going, “Well she could have said no.” is kind of silly because truthfully, why put somebody in that position? “Do I say no and deny my friend being a bridesmaid, or do I put myself into debt for this?” Kinda crappy, considering it is your wedding. It’s kind of expected that the bride and groom with be out financially.
If I were in your situation, I’d offer half the deposit and ask her to come up with the other half. Times are tough for everyone, so I think a compromise is appropriate. I know expenses just happen sometimes, so just tell her that you had some expenses you didn’t expect/account for and you can offer her half the deposit.
Post # 9
I would use your money to pay her dress deposit as you said that you would, and allow your FI to put additional funds toward one of the wedding expenses you noted (flowers or cake.)
Post # 10
@Hyperventilate: +1 to going halfsies with the deposit. Tell her your situation and tell her you still want to help out right now, but money is tight for you too with planning a wedding and all.
I think it would be rude to tell her now that you won’t pay for it unless you’re ok with one less bridesmaid.
Post # 11
@Hyperventilate: How do you not ask a close friend not to be a part of your wedding? Even if she has money issues?
“Hey! Why didn’t you ask me to be a bridesmaid? We’ve been best friends for over 10 years?”
“Well, I didn’t think you could afford it. I know money’s been tight with you and that you’re not the best at saving”
Really? That’s what I should have done?
I will come up with the money for the deposit then.
Post # 12
It doesn’t really sound like you don’t have the money if you have wedding money in savings or your fiance could pay for it. I know how it feels to have a bunch of stuff due for the wedding and it feels like you are totally broke and you don’t want to spend a cent more. I would just pay it and realize you prob won’t get it back. How much could the deposit be anyway?
Post # 13
I think you have to come up with the money. You made the offer, and you can’t pull the rug out from under her now. I know you say it will cost you some money, but how much can it really be? Unless you’ve overspent like crazy on these dresses, a month or two of interest on $100-200 bucks isn’t anything to get excited about.
Post # 14
Here’s the thing…
Regardless of whether or not you should have offered, if you DO decide to front her the money, it’s better to just not expect to get it back.
Shakespeare got it right when he wrote,
“Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry”
In short, if you loan a friend money, you’re likely to lose both your money and your friend. People have a habit of forgetting to pay things back, and that can cause a lot of resentment and put incredible strain on a friendship.
If you do ‘loan’ her the money, treat it like a gift. If she does pay it back, you’ll be pleasantly surprised.
Post # 15
How much is the deposit on a bridesmaid dress? I wouldn’t think it’s a big deal for you and your fiancé to cover it. You mention ‘he’ could pay it. When you guys are married, it’s all shared money anyway right? I don’t think that’s weird.
Post # 16
It’s only $100. Yes, it’s not a lot, but it is when we’re every extra penny we have into the wedding fund.
@Pinkmoon: We already live together, and yes it is ‘our’ money, but we split the cost of the mortgage and bills 50/50, anything left over is our own money to spend how we want. Right now, any leftover money is going towards the wedding. We are paying for the wedding 50/50, so if he lends her the money, he’s the one who needs to be paid back.