Post # 1
As Mr. Encore was packing a few things the other day to move to my house (after he sold his) he found a draft of his divorce decree. For the record, it was not the final "stamped" copy but I am assuming it was the final. As I started reading the thing I could feel my heart sink. She keeps the house and car, he pays off both for her, he pays child’s undergraduate degree with all living/medical, etc. expenses…AND she takes what is entitled to her from HIS retirement. OK at this point I’m clearly P** O** but hey, this happened years ago and it had nothing to do with me. Obviously he wanted to end it pretty bad if he agreed to all this stuff.
I asked him if he understood what all that jargon meant? He responded that it wasn’t what they’d agreed on and he was confident she didn’t want his retirement. Well…I asked him why wasn’t that spelled out in that agreement if they agreed to that. Anyways, he was pretty bummed after he realized that I was seriously concerned about the text in that paper. Bottom line is: we will be visiting a lawyer with both of our decrees before we get married. I just want to make sure I am not building something with him just to see it be taken away by her.
Have you guys read/shared each (yours or his) other’s divorce decree? Did you find anything in there you were surprised by? Have you consulted an attorney together?
Post # 3
Yes! My husband was there with me every step of the way, so there were no surprises. I got married when I was 18, and we moved away from each other a few into the marriage, and then life happened and neither of us filed for divorce, so ffwd to 12years later, he was totally there to hear it all.
If there’s money involved, I think there has to be a clear understanding!
Post # 4
wow – what a B****, thats just awful!
Post # 5
Yes we both know. And he’s seen my divorce decree too, with what my xh was SUPPOSED to pay for. My xh had an instand add water wife (who was the other woman) and it’s been pulling teeth to get him to do the right thing for about five years now.
I understand it’s hard to see that, but it was THEIR choices made previously. If there are children, I understand it is important they be provided for well. I feel that way too about my guy’s kids with his xw (who is awful and a meanie btw). I hate she gets a damn thing from him, but the kids I’m great with..they deserve the best always.
I think it’s good to read the decree. More importantly if you want info, see their ORIGINAL filing papers and see what happened at that time. I know 100 percent what happened with them (let’s just say she wasn’t very nice and did some wierd stuff and has issues) and he knows what happened with me too.
Post # 6
I agree and support everything he does for his daughter although she is 23, is still working on her undergraduate while he pays all of her expenses, but ok, that’s his chils after all, the house and cars well, that’s his doing…but the retirement….that’s the one I’m salty about…just because it would be us planning and building OUR retirement. Anyways, I know all situations are different and that’s why we’re headed to a lawyer!!!
Post # 7
The retirement thing sucks, I would be pissed to if she was going to take some of "our" retirement money. Couldn’t he have withdrawn the money back then and paid it to her? Can you do it now? That’s what my FH did, now we owe her nothing else. I know that sucks because of the early distribution and everything, but atleast then you have time to build it back up.
I read my FH’s decree pretty early on – I was sneaky and went looking for it – mostly because I wanted to know from the start that he was in fact divorced (I had dated a guy previous that said it was final and found out later he was still living with her!). I don’t know if he has read mine, but he’s welcome to if he wants, mine was a lot different I got EVERYTHING and my ex got nothing (not that we had much – the kids were the most important thing).
Post # 8
Chantellamus: no I don’t think she’s a b****. I think it all comes down to what people agree on and good or bad lawyering. If she asked for those things and he gave in, or his lawyer didn’t do his job then how can you blame the XW?
Also, about the retirement thing, I don’t know about the laws of your state but in CA the spouse is attomatically entitled to their 50% of the retirement benefits earned while married. nothing shocking there. totally expected. After all, she did put in her time. I know it sucks for the new wife but I think you have to put yourself in other people’s shoes.
Post # 9
Wow. I’m so sorry. That seems so wrong to me. Just because you get a divorce doesnt’ mean you’re entitled to his RETIREMENT! I mean, wow. Especially since he isn’t under the impression that’s what is actually going on and/or what he intended to agree to.
I’d be a little upset, too, despite the fact it was all in the past. I’d be like, ‘hey, if WE spend 50 years together, how does that affect OUR retirement" eek.
Post # 10
If she put in 30 years or something, sure…but seeing as how you’re 31….i dunno, the ex couldn’t possibly have put in THAT much time. Maybe it’s that way in some state tho.
It doesn’t quite sit right with me. It sounds like your FI is more confused than anything since he isn’t under the impression he signed that over, right?
Post # 11
Okay, let me first put the disclaimer out there that I am only licensed to practice law in Florida and this should NOT be construed as legal advice in any way shape or form.
At least in Florida, the ex is entitled to half of the money accrued in his retirement account during the time they were married. It is just like any other asset that is to be divided upon divorce. Obviously people can agree around that, but that is the entitlement.
Hope that helps. 🙂
Post # 12
Oh, yeah, well, that makes sense. I thought it was the WHOLE retirement, as in she accrues money AFTER he’s already married to someone else.
Ok i’ll leave this post. I don’t know jack what I’m talking about, I just sympathize with you! Glad you’re seeing lawyers, that’ll help cement your thoughts about your own future and be assured that you, too, are taken care of.
Post # 13
Yeah, well he’s 42 they were married straight out of high school and stayed that way for 15 years altought they were separated for 5 before she would sign the papers. He gave in because it took him that long for her to agree to sign and then he just gave her anything she wanted. The retirement is a bit much more to us because he has built up most of his retirement after the divorce, not to mention that he is still paying her house! Ok…it sucks but hey the past is the past we just have to find a way to move on and protect what we build. I just wanted to share the experience and make everyone aware of what the legal repercussions are. Us encore brides have to deal with a few things that "newbies"* don’t have to.
* By newbie I mean someone who has never been married before, did not intend to offend anyone by the term.
Post # 14
Ick! FI could read mine (he was with me as I went through it) but isn’t interested. I walked away with nothing; it was worth it, to just walk away.
Post # 15
- Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club
I’m a "newbie" but FH is an encore groom. I haven’t seen the decree, but I’ve seen a picture of her and some stuff relating to their life together. They had no children together & apparently no assets, so I don’t have that to deal with, but I was surprised at how sad it makes me to think of FH in so much pain from their divorce.
Post # 16
Yes, you need to talk to a lawyer. However, under most divorce decrees, she would get only a percentage of that portion of his retirement earned while he was with her. For example, if he was married to her for 15 years, she might have the right to half of the pension he earned in those 15 years. However, if he stayed with the same company and ended up retiring after 50 years, she would not be entitled to any of the retirement built up after the divorce. If most of your FI’s retirement was earned after the divorce, she would not normally share in it. However, a lot depends on the specific language of the separation agreement/divorce decree, so it is important that both of you understand it.