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The only way I came to this realization is by reading other stories on here. Most recently, I read a proposal story this morning that blew me away.
Yes, my ring is small. But had he chosen it all on his own and surprised me with it, I wouldn't care. I honestly would not care about the size.
I had pointed out my ring to him (a billboard) because of the style. I didn't expect him to buy THAT one. Ok, so now the question arises, what if it were huge and he bought that exact one? I still would be saddened by the lack of effort.
No "shopping for months". No "research online". No "surprise" as I knew when he would propose. No "grand gesture with the proposal". (Yes, it was romantic, sweet and I love him till death. But no grand gesture).
Let me add that my husband is super romantic and has surprised me with little things in the past. Flowers, tokens, statuettes, concert tickets. So what happened with the engagement?
How do I get over this? I can't say "wait until next time". There will BE no next time. Here's a better question: Do I tell him how I feel?
All opinions welcome. I'm a big girl, I can take it :)
I think that he just wanted to be sure that he got you what you wanted. So when you pointed it out I don't think it was laziness when he went out and bought it, it was him thinking that you would love it.
Maybe he wanted this to be a simple gesture, just about the two of you without a balloon ride/huge gesture.
I didn't care... I picked out the ring I liked and he bought it on the spot... I was just glad to have something I liked =) I'm sure he didn't see it as not being a grand gesture but rather as him getting you what he thought you would want since you picked it out off a billboard =) I wouldn't say anything personally.
You might be right on the mark. However, the small size coupled with the lack of surprise, really bothers me and I hate that it bothers me.
@Just_Squeeze: If the size is an issue you can't let go of maybe you could tell him you were thinking about an upgrade and he shouldn't mind if moneys not a main issue... He did pick the ring you wanted so he shouldn't be too upset you want it slightly altered right? Worth a try.
It seems strange to me that he is romantic other times, and the time that it really matters, he lets you down. Maybe it could be that he was worried about not making you happy, he got you one that he knew you would like? I don't think bringing it up is the answer, you will just hurt his feelings. My husband never asked me what kind of rings I liked beforehand, but got input from my BFF and also sought out girls who worked at the jewelry stores with little hands, so he could make sure he wasn't getting me anything too big. He put a lot of effort and hours into the search, and ended up settling on one of the first rings he looked at. I love it, and can't honestly say that it would have been something I picked out for myself. Its perfect for me, and he did an amazing job without much help from anyone (except what I didn't like from my BFF).
You see? Even if he had asked, say, my sister's advice, I would find that heart-warming.
And it dosen't help that before the engagment he said "I already know how I'm going to propose and it will make the morning papers".
So what happened?
We upgraded my wedding band. We both agreed to take my new ering (a slight upgrade but stunning) off layaway. I didn't want to seem selfish.
@Just_Squeeze: Wow, that's kinda harsh. To build you up and then let you down. I can only think that fear got the best of him. My husband proposed to me on a cruise, and he really wanted to do it at dinner, but had a nightmare that I said no, plus couple that with his fear of being in front of a lot of people, and he did it in our room with just us, which was totally fine with me.
Yes, he's surprised you with little things, but you're going to be wearing this ring for a long, long time. I don't think he wanted to take any chances. And you admit the proposal was romantic and sweet. Does a huge over-the-top gesture prove to you how much he wanted to be with you any more than the proposal you got?
I think you need to take a step back and remember that the important thing is that you got to marry this man. I'm all for honesty, but in this case telling him how you feel so long after the fact is not constructive. You'll just end up hurting him over something that he can't go back and change. I think you need to focus on why this is bothering you so much and find a way to make your peace with it.
I understand. But it was just a billboard. Had that billboard said "1/4 carat fashion ring" (which it is), I would never have pointed it out.
And yes, the proposal was romantic and sweet (in words). But it was also like an afterthought as we were at a party minutes before. He also didn't get down on one knee.
Aww, geez, I sound like an idiot! And I know we've been married almost a year so who cares now? Just venting, I guess.
Well be glad you live in the States. In my country you won't get an engagement-ring at all. You just plan to marry, no engagement, no ring. Only one weddingband at your wedding.
Trough the years they threw the engagement out. People here just start living together and when they want to, they get married.
I understand this story doesn't make you feel better though. I was just thinking the differences.
God, a guy just can't win! He gets you the ring you wanted (but small) and you're not happy. If he got you the ring you truely wanted you still wouldn't be happy because he didn't "shop around". He asks you to marry him in a non-grad gesture, but you're not happy. What if he did grand gesture and he was miserable about it, would you be happy then?
Your last question makes no sense to me because he never does anything out of spite or would hold anything against me. Just like I'm not holding this against him but I am allowed to feel how I feel. That's the point of posting my vent under the "rings" category. A place to go to vent. Had he not said "our engagement will make the morning papers"; had he shopped around a bit more himself or had he realized he was buying a "fashion ring" and not an ering, that all would make this vastly different to me.
I put more effort into his birthday party and present, then he did our engagment and ring.
Thanks though
Thanks everyone else.
Maybe you can point out the exact anniversary band you want that compliments your ering or the exact e ring upgrade you want for your 1 year anniversary so he can give it to you on your anniversary.
And don't stress about what your husband isn't. Be thankful for what he is. Work with what you have and don't stress about what you don't have. My husband doesn't have a creative/spontaneous bone in his body. He can't pay attention to detail to save his life. He told me he wasn't even going to begin to presume what style of ring I liked. (or any other gift for that matter.) He knew he wouldn't pick anything I liked. So I had no grand gesture. No surprise. I shopped by myself (he hates to shop, but he did look at rings online with me), found a ring I loved, took him to the store and he bought it. I got exactly what I wanted. And that is a whole lot better than getting stuff you don't want and trying to figure out how to live with it and/or say you don't want it.
Don't bring it up. Because all that does is make him feel bad. He can't take it back what's done is done. By bringing it up that's holding it over him.
Aw le boo!!
It happened to me very similarly too. You're not alone.
The first ring was bought at Costco, so pretty 'big box' and it was a lovely wedding band. He proposed in such a way that lets just say, was out of duress. I DID get a 'well next time' moment however because I gave back the ring and asked for a 'do over'. The next ring he bought me was nothing like the ones I had been throwing hints at, but he picked it out on his own, so that meant a lot to me.
rather than focus on how much it was nothing like the style I wanted, I chose to just be touched he shopping on his own (thats a pretty big deal).
Maybe hubs fumbled the ball a bit on the proposal but the day to day stuff, he is a star, so just focus on that.
And stop reading the proposal stories!!!!! lol
ETA: I no longer have ring #2 either as it was faulty and had to be returned. *sigh*
I think you're getting yourself all worked up over this for no reason. You've got a nice guy, who's maybe a bit clueless, but tries to do things sweet and romantic.
And you KNOW you're being unreasonable about this. You've said it a bunch of times. Is this really all that's bothering you? Because when you say, "I can't say "wait until next time". There will BE no next time." I hear the realization that there are worlds of might-have-beens that are now never-will-bes.
No, I don't think you should tell him you're disappointed with his proposal and the ring. Making him feel bad about his proposal won't make you feel better. You may get over whatever you're feeling now when you work through why you're feeling that way, but if you tell him, you will have forever tarnished the memory of it for him.
I think you should stop reading proposal stories and be happy with your clueless, sweet, romantic, non-grand gesture guy. Because in the long run, the size of a stone or the flash of the proposal doesn't make a marriage. Two people being kind to each other and loving each other through the little dissapointments is what counts.
Glad to hear I'm not alone! Thanks! (And agreed, had hubby went out and shopped around considering different options and picking one out just for me - it would have made a difference!)
Yes, this is all that is bothering me. He is a star. I do love him very much and the day to day love we share far outweighs the dissapointment I feel.
Moral of the story: Stop reading proposal stories.
You know how in the movies and on TV, sex is always "perfect"? It's hot, steamy, the girl always is arching her back just right, wearing at least a matching bra & panty set, etc.. ?
Now think about real life. Most of the time "real life" sex isn't like that.
Just like proposals.
(My husband proposed to me on the couch, I was flipping channels and he looked over at me and said "so do you want to get married?", then he told me how much he wanted to spend on a ring and I did all the researching and shopping for it.)
He got you what he interpreted you as saying you wanted. You should be happy he listened and took note when you pointed it out. And that you have a wonderful husband.
You said he bought a "fashion ring and not an e-ring", I looked at the post where you shared a picture, looks like an e-ring to me! And beautiful too!
Ahhaahah! Awesome analogy!
Lol! I like your sex comparison!
Thanks for the compliment. The website calls it a "fashion ring".
And wow, you're a newlywed! Congrats!
I completely understand how you feel. My FI and I picked out my ring together and while it was great to get exactly what I wanted, there was no surprise. So I empathize.
Another perspective is, how confusing we must be to men! I bet your husband thought, 'what could possibly be better than getting her exactly what she wants!'. He probably thought it was the best thing ever. You can certainly tell him how you feel but as you said, there is no way to undo it and do it over again. If it really bothers you, get it off your chest and tell him.
But on the bright side, the fact that he did get you exactly what you wanted, is kind of a grand-ish gesture. He could have gotten you something he thought was super awesome, and you may have hated.... after you pointed out a completely different style. That might have been worse.? He probably felt like he was so smart for getting you the exact one you pointed out to him! You'll surely confuse him with this one.
Men don't seem to understand how much we appreciate the effort, planning and surprise that goes into an engagement. Men also tend to have very different taste than us. You should see the rings my FI thought were nice--Ew!!
Thanks so much for your reply. It was very sympathetic. I agree. It would be very confusing to him to hear that "Well, you got the style right, but!...."
And I have to laugh out loud. My hubby picked up a sears catalogue and showed me the most awful example of what he had in mind. So thank goodness for that billboard, lol.
I will not tell him how I feel. But the upgrade we chose? And then took off layaway? I might hint that I still want it. Who knows, he may have a wonderful surprise up his sleeve for our one year anniversary coming up in 2 months!
Hey don't worry, I was propsed to in bed, in my PJ"s with Cash screaming in the background, and my FMIL telling us to get outta bed! It's all good. Besides you and I both know you have a sweet, handsome guy. And I already told you, I LOVE YOUR RING!!!!!
Thanks girl! You made my day! Pick up your margarita and cheers me: "To the wonderful men in our lives!"
I don't get what you're complaining about exactly? He's a guy. Guys hate being wrong, so he probably assumed that if you had showed him the ring, youd be thrilled to have the ring YOU showed him.
haha, I'll cheers you, but I only have an instant coffee. You have a margarita? LUCKY!!!
I don't know about anyone else, but my man would not have a clue what a fashion ring was. He has NO CLUE about jewelry. In fact he thought that a women got a diamond for engagement AND for a wedding ring. (I stupidly corrected him, I could have had two! lol) Anyway, what I am getting at is if I pointed out a ring and said I like that he would think that ment "that is te one I want you to buy me." I am not engaged yet but I have picked out everything about my ring. I decided I wanted an asha not a diamond and I made the wish list with all the ones I love. Though he is aware of my fave so the list is pretty moot. The when and where it will happen will be a mystery but I feel fine about him not searching for the ring. After all if I was going to buy him some high tech computer stuff I would probably ask his input too.
maybe if you wanted an upgeade but didn't want to spend the money you could go with moissanite or asha instead......just an idea.
some guys don't like to shop, and are very very daunted by the idea of buying the right ring. you pointed out a ring and said it was the kind you wanted. did you actually say that it was not the exact ring you wanted, but that it is the style that you like about it? guys are not mind readers, sometimes you need to spell things out for them.
he actually remebered the style and brand of this ring you pointed out - many guys won't remember that level of detail. he was probably pretty proud of himself for getting what he thought was what the exact ring you wanted. in his mind, you practically told him what ring to buy. why would he shop around?
sorry that he built you up about the proposal and then did not come through on it, that sucks.
My FI had NO idea how to buy a ring, and he was scared to death of buying the wrong thing. So I picked out what I liked and let him have the final say....so the ring was no surprise. Our proposal was not really a 'proposal' as far as some people's go...he just gave me the ring in the box for our anniversary and said 'I'm sorry I didn't get you a card this year, but this is the gift that means everything and I hope you love it'. I put the ring on and we went out to dinner. Sometimes when I hear about other people's engagements, I get a sad feeling because I didn't have the firework, candlelit, long speech, teary-eyed, will you marry me? None of that...but I learned to accept it because he.had.no.idea.what.to.do....and the people in his family would not have been of assistance, so he did what he thought was right.
If you showed him a picture and he got you that ring....that might have been his way of saying he really DID put thought into it. He could have brushed the image aside, forgot it, or not paid attention. I think sometimes our expectations are SO HIGH when it comes to proposals and marriage and really, are we happy with anything? He most likely did what he thought was right. I can't imagine being in the guys' shoes and being expected to buy a piece of jewelry that is usually grossly overpriced, figure out a way to present it to someone, and then hope that they are happy with the ring, the proposal and everything in between. You upgraded the wedding band...I would just let the ering go. And stop reading proposal stories. Truthfully, the proposals that I hear about in real life from people I actually know are nothing like this site, and ones like ours are more the norm.
Thanks to everyone. I honestly just thought this thread would die, lol.
When I pointed out the ring, he said "I'm on it". I agree that if I wanted "more", I should have done my research too. I honestly had no clue about searching rings before I read other people's stories.
I've been looking at it ever since I posted this and I do love it. So I wasn't "surprised". But he makes up for that in day to day life. He probably DID think "score! She wanted it, I got it!". Again, did not want to sound selfish with this post, it was just something I dreamed about all my life.
The proposal wasn't crazy romantic. (He forgot the down on one knee thing!). But when we were walking past our proposal site one summer day last year, I kidded that "hey, you didn't get down one knee!". He asked me for my ring, and, well, proposed again. So that was very sweet. I guess I got two proposals and the ring I liked. (And an upgraded wedding band).
I know that's how all of you see it and how you have made me start to see it. If I hadn't posted here, I wouldn't have gotten such great advice.
So thank you! Posting on the bee works ;)
I think that men just think incredibly differently from us sometimes and he thought he was getting you EXACTLY what you wanted.
I'm not sure that I would tell him, but maybe plan to do a trade in on your 5th annivresary or something like that?
You know? I don't think I want a trade in. Sure, a right hand sapphire or peridot (our birthstones) would be nice one day, but I think I'm happy with the ering :) It was the ring he proposed with and Ihave had perfect strangers tell me it's stunning. Those who still think it's "cute" will get a visit from Mz. Karma one day!
Aw, FH did the same exact thing with my e-ring. We were looking around and he asked me to send him some pictures of what I wanted. So I did, and it's exactly what I got. Guys are so literal sometimes. but I think its really sweet that he was listening and got you what you said you wanted!
I know how you feel. I'm not disapointed in my ring at all (We chose it together, which I am totally okay with and I love it), but I wish my FI had put more effort into the proposal, which I think is similar. He literally made up how he was going to propose the day before he did (This is the same man who has a schedule for our entire summer lol). He didn't plan anything to say and he didn't even go on one knee. I just feel like he put minimal effort into it.
All this said, I love my FI so much and I know he loves me. My FI has done and continues to do so much for me that goes way beyond any momentary romantic gesture can... He's there for me when I need him most. He's my best friend. He is my partner for life, I know that without a doubt. While I am still disapointed a bit by the proposal, the way he loves me daily is a true reflection of how serious he takes this relationship and how much he wants me to be his wife, not the way he "performed" that day.
I think your FI probably thought that he was being smart by buying the ring you pointed out! He remembered exactly which one it was and made sure that was the one he got you. I do not really see it as a lack of effort, I'm sure his intention was to get you exactly what you wanted. :)
My FI has done and continues to do so much for me that goes way beyond any momentary romantic gesture can... He's there for me when I need him most. He's my best friend. He is my partner for life, I know that without a doubt.
I feel the same way about my husband. That's all it boils down to, dosen't it?
Thank you.
@Just_Squeeze: Girlie, I think he was just super nervous, and didn't really know how else to play it up. I'm sorry you feel... dissapointed I guess... but I promise, it was most likely just his nerves.
I understand how you feel Just Squeeze. It's almost like what's important to you isn't important to them. Almost as if they didn't take the engagement and the whole excitement part of it seriously. I know when it comes to even picking out a card whatever it should be for (for my FI), I start days, weeks, months in advance even just looking for that perfect one. Perhaps it's the sentimental fool in us, perhaps it's the hopeless romantic that we girls fall into playing. I would be disappointed too. Espcially if it is small, and especially if it looks like no effort went into it. But it could also very well be that he was so sure that you liked it and there was no way that he could possibly go wrong with his pick because you had said you liked it, that he just banked on you loving that ring. Maybe he thinks of you as down to earth, cute and dainty and wanted to get you something that symbolizes who you really are. Maybe he didn't think you were high maintenance, superficial and only cared about the size of the 'rock' you got to show off to your other friends. He could have very well gotten you a goiter of thing just to try to keep up with the trend even if he felt it wasn't you. I guess what I am trying to say is he did get the one you said you liked, he didn't get something completely different AND small, he got you something that in his mind he was sure he was safe with. Perhaps to him, the size he looked at remined him most of you and in that way, that was completely thoughtful and alot of mental effort put into it. Maybe not shopping around physically, but perhaps he was already shopping around emotionally and mentally trying to figure out which one he could surprise you with. I think he just took your "ooh that's pretty" (or whatever you said) too literally and ran with it. :) I am more than sure his intention was to NOT disappoint you, and I am sure the size of the ring does not equate the size of his heart, or his love for you. It simply probably was his vision of you. Pretty, unique, totally you, unconventional, elegant and beautiful. Look at yours and look at others......does your ring look like most? Are you just another solitaire? are you just another halo? Just another rock? Just another Tiffany setting? No, you're you, and your ring represents your individuality and your mans want to please you. :)
If you are still having a hard time with this, why not drop a hint of upgrading your ring for Christmas or Valentines Day. Drop more hints of the types YOU reallly like and adore and for example when you go out to the mall and see something similar mention it, or stop into the jewellers and ask about getting your ring polished or cleaned and make sure you are standing at the engagement, anniversary counter and causually say "Oooh that's gorgeous...now how come you didn't see that one honey? lol" and laugh it off. You can pass it off as a 'joke' but it will no doubt stay in his mind. I am just giving you suggestions. I hope they help and I hope you find peace in your heart about the whole situation, and perhaps eleviate some if not most of your disappointment.
Okay, I'm going to be blunt and to the point.
You pointed out a ring you liked. He bought that exact ring and proposed to you with it! And you are unhappy? *scratches head in confusion*
And pleasepleaseplease do not listen to PPs and hint at him upgrading your ring. It is WAY too soon for that, especially considering that you're the one who pointed this ring out to him before he bought it. Most girls would be thrilled he got them the exact ring he pointed out, I'd try your best to get over this one - especially if he is generally very romantic, lots of guys aren't!
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