Weddingbee boards

I have been very close friends with a girl (I'll call her Nancy) for 16 years. I moved from Washington to Texas and we still maintained our friendship, so when over the Holidays I told told her I was getting married she was so happy for me, but then jumped into bridesmaid mode. At first I was ok with it, and just figured I would formally ask her by February (July wedding).

Ok, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me give you all some backround. Nancy has had some emotional hardship which has given her anxiety/ depression (which she will not treat). As someone who has had past issues with anxiety/ depression I know how it can consume you and make every day very difficult. Well, Nancy goes through phases where she gets really negative, and complains about everything (total debbie downer). Example: When I was home visiting over the holidays, she came over and I was online looking at wedding dresses. Then out of nowhere she carried on about how she hates how she looks (she's always been full figured, but the depression caused her to gain weight and is now about a size 20). I tried to comfort her and said not to worry because my main color is dark eggplant purple so it will hide things (insert assuring smile here), then she carried on how she doesn't want anyone to see her,  and she'd rather just not even be up there because then people will see her.

After she left I was upset so I called my sister (who is also my MOH), who flat out said "Omg Evylise, that's screwed up. She has been your best friend for this long, you've always been understanding and supportive of her, yet she still managed to make your special day about her. She should just suck it up because she is the one who assumed she was gonna be a bridesmaid without a formal invitation from you. Since she is such a good friend, she should just be up there and be supportive and calm you down on your big day. It sounds like you're gonna be the one calming her down instead." Then she told me to just kick her off the bridal party which she invited herself on.

My sister has a point.

sigh. I hate drama.

The other issue is Nancy's 3 year old daughter. She has no discipline, no manners, and Nancy doesn't set boundaries. Whenever she comes over she trashes my house, licks the plate of cookies, she bites other kids and screams really loud or breaks things when nobody is paying attention to her. Nancy laughs when all this goes on (thus encouraging little Nancy), and shrugs her shoulders. Honestly, little Nancy is the reason I didn't initially want children as guests at our wedding.

Ok, so I thought this situation would sort itself out, but Nancy texted me last night asking what color to get little Nancy's dress in (excuse me, please don't assume your child is in the wedding). And I am having bad dreams of Nancy standing up there with little Nancy causing a ruckus/ tugging on her dress screaming during the ceremony.

Help please, how do I handle this?

bump?  :/

Thanks. I left the "childcare on hand" part up to my FI since all the children will be from his side.

Now I don't know how to handle Nancy because after her outburst, I really don't think I want her as a bridesmaid. Getting married is a special day, and I'm worried she will be in one of her moods, and not be supportive and then my sister and her will end up fighting. sigh :(

@evylise:  Maybe just get back to her, and very sympathetically (make it about her, since that seems to her her schtick) say that you don't want to cause her extra stress, and you think that her idea (stressed) to just attend might be best so as to not add additional stress/dress shopping/people looking at her/feeling insecure. Say your priority is that she's happy on your wedding and enjoying yourself...? I would make it as much about her and her comfort right now, so that you don't actually have to do that at your wedding. 

@Heartly:  very good approach! I was trying to think of how to word this properly. Thank you. I just hope she doesn't get all offended and take it wrong :/

I'm just dreading the conversation because she is so sesitive, and I don't know what kind of mood she will be in :/

I'm starting out kinda small. I texted her this morning and told her to check out our wedding website. There is the "No children under age 10 at the ceremony" thing there, so that at least clears that part up. I mean, I know I have to just get it over with, but if she writes back all rude, then that means she took even that part way too personally. I just never know what mood she is in, and I am not wanting any negativity on my wedding day. This is one day where it is not about her and that is what the problem is, it appears. If I could guarentee that she will be in a good mood on that day, we wouldn't even have a problem. But the way she flat out said "I don't even wanna be up there. People will see me..." (once again...it's not about her). Plus my sister is just so flat out to the point that there's gonna be drama if there's a bad vibe. sigh.

@2PeasinaPod:  omg, you're right. "Assume" is the key word.

I go back and re-read all this and I'm like "if I were on the outside looking in, what would I advise?" DUH.

I just suck at stuff like this! Ok I have to put on my big girl pants and just nip it in the bud :/  wish me luck (deep breath)....

Did she text you back yet?  I'm so curious to see how this plays out!  I too have a "negative nancy" friend, and i think she will act the exact same way once I'm engaged!  She also has anxiety/depression and is severly self-concious about her appearance, and is overly sensitive which makes me almost feel obligated to have her in my wedding just to avoid hurting her feelings.... My advice is:  Your wedding is about you and your fiance, and anyone who puts their feelings above yours on your wedding day is in the wrong.  I hope you get this sorted out and everyone is happy!  Good luck!

Very good responses. Thank you all. It turns out that I officially am asking bridesmaids as of last week. I was fine with having her as a BM at first until she had that "moment" and my sister called it out as "unsupportive" and said (as my MOH/my sister) she wasn't gonna allow any negativity to cloud over me on my day ect ect ect (big sister's can be so protective, right?). Meanwhile, after that incident, the wedding topic never came up again until she texted me on Saturday night asking what color dress her daughter should wear ("should she match us in eggplant purple, or you in white? I'm thinking she should match you"...). No reply.

Anyways, Nancy has not texted back , but we are on a time difference, and she also works nights so I am not sure if she's even awake.

@2PeasinaPod:  heehee! I've heard that one (one would think I would remember it at this time right?)

Ok, here is what I've come up with... tell me how it sounds:

I started officially choosing/ asking my bridesmaids as of last week. Since we have been friends since for years, I would love for you to be my bridesmaid because you're special to me. But I want you to feel comfortable/ not stressed out. So if this is going to cause pressure / give you anxiety/ make you self conscious, I am not putting you on the spot to say yes. Your prescence is enough on my big day. I don't want you to feel overwhelmed, I just want you to have a good time/ enjoyable day as a guest at my wedding. I have picked the bridesmaid dress (mention cost+ tax/alteration). Just think about it & let me know by the 2nd week of February.

Also children under 10 are not permitted at the ceremony, & are not part of the bridal party (as in I am not having flower girls/ ring bearers).

So...what do you all think? Any suggestions before I go for it?

@les105:  oooh now I see the typo--oops! Anyways, good idea, thank you.

@Beautiful Bluegrass:  so, I was hoping that alone would give her the "go ahead" to not be a BM, also because she will not go anywhere without her toddler. If I knew she wasn't going to be in one of her moods, then I would be fine with her being a BM. So it appears we may still have a problem then :/

If your friend still insist on being a BM...

If the final list of BM and GM has not been sent out yet, you can always tell the one you don't want that one of the groomsmen won't make it and the groom can't find a close friend/family as replacement and (blame it on the groom in this case) and he doesn't feel comfortable just find a guest to fill the role, so you guys have to drop a BM/GM to match up.  And nicely ask your friend to attend the wedding instead. 

I have seen someone done this to eliminate some self-invite BM/GM.  But not sure if it will work on your friend since she is very sensitive. 

Ok, so she saw the wedding website and questioned my reasoning for my our decision to not have children attend the ceremony (um, wth). Anyways, that aside, after all day thinking about this and getting input from you all, and my mom/ friends here is what I came up with:

I officially started choosing & asking my bridesmaids last week. I initially wanted you to be a bridesmaid, but it seemed like it was overwhelming/ stressful and that you were self-conscious because you said that you didn't want people to see you, ect. So I want you to feel comfortable/ not stressed out. I don't want to cause you anxiety or make you self conscious, so I am not putting the pressure on you to be a bridesmaid. Your prescence is enough on my big day. I don't want you to feel overwhelmed, I just want you to have a good time & feel comfortable

So, I would have left it open to be a bridesmaid (gave her the open option to back out), but I don't want her to say "yes" to make me happy, then end up stressing out and causing a scene or resenting me for making her "hold in her emotions" when it's such a joyful day...ect.  What do you all make of this (how I worded it) ?

@evylise:  I think the wording is better in the second one for sure. Especially as the overall tone is shes not a bridesmaids.

Good luck and let us know the response.

@mrsjjohnson2b:  I said that the atmosphere of the ceremony is serene and intimate. She questioned it, but I assured her that children are invited to the reception.

I called my sister awhile ago, *maid of  honor* (guess I caught her at a bad time), and she implied (over the "no kid" text that happened between Nancy and I), that I am acting selfish and said "is it really worth potentially losing a friend over"... (total change from last we talked on this topic). To which I replied that I find it selfish that some people can come across as so self-absorbed to not even respect my wishes on my wedding day, that I shouldn't have to validate anything because I am not being unreasonable, and that the "no children" thing is quite common now (from the people I know anyways). Also, my FI has 2 sisters who have 5 kids a piece, and they didn't pipe up at all about this (they were actually relieved), so just calm down.

I really try to be patient, but I don't like any type of (what could be) confrontation. I'm gonna see how I can sort this out without hurting any feelings :/

So, I slept on it, and gave it some thought over coffee.

Nancy is dear to me, and even though she has issues, I love her, I'm patient, and I value our friendship. I decided that no matter what, I do want her at my wedding, so I am going to leave it open to her to decide if she is comfortable being a BM. My sister (MOH) assured me that she will keep anxiety levels/ drama under control so I don't have to deal with it. Here is what I'll say:

I started officially choosing/ asking my bridesmaids as of last week. We have been friends for so many years, and I would love for you to be at my wedding because you're special to me, and I value our friendship. I initially wanted you to be a bridesmaid, but it seemed like it was overwhelming/ stressful and that you were self-conscious because you said that you didn't want people to see you, ect. So I want you to feel comfortable/ not stressed out. I don't want to cause you anxiety or cause you to feel self conscious, so I am not putting the pressure on you to be a bridesmaid. Your presence is enough on my big day. I don't want you to feel overwhelmed, I just want you to have a good time & feel comfortable at my wedding. It is up to you if you want to stand as a bridesmaid, but I'll understand if it gives you anxiety and you decline. But either way, I just want you there at my wedding.

Ok, the kid issue has been settled at least. So on this topic (deep breath) that's my decision and I feel like this is the best approach, and I won't lose a (sensitive) friend over this. So what do you all think?

@Iluvmydog:  over email because of a few reasons... she works nights and we are on different time zones, plus she never answers her phone. We typically text or email more than calling. Also the few times our friends have addressed issues in conversation, she gets defensive (she is the type to stop listening and escalate it), so I'd like her to read what I'm saying so she will totally understand instead of only hearing bits and pieces.

As for the "no- kid" thing, I am standing my ground on that. It applies to all children and then they can still come to the reception. I was more worried about my 2 future sister-in-laws, but they were fine with it :)