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I don't have any advice on how to best handle the situation (especially since she hasn't specifically asked you directly), but I really think that if you don't want to, you shouldn't. I invited an old friend of mine to be a BM pretty much because we always said we'd be in each others weddings. My gut was telling me not to because we had grown so far apart, but nostalgia was kicking in and I decided to ask. She accepted but then later it ended up in a huge falling out sort of thing where she just acted increasingly irritated towards me and then just told me she hadn't even wanted to be in it in the first place. I REALLY wish she had just SAID it in the first place, bc I wouldn't have been offended then - but I was offended to find out she was just going to grin & bear it through our wedding. Nobody wants to feel like they're forcing a BM to be one. So if you don't want to, I think you should make it clear. It's really sweet that your friend wanted to include you, so maybe you could just offer to help his FI with any day-of setting up or things like that. Good luck!
I voted yes, and here is why. I see it as the bride and groom coming together by asking their closest (all their closest) friends to stand up with them. My sister's friend got married and they had all the groomsmen and bridesmaid stand mixed together on either side. i thought it was really nice!
If you are really unsure about it all, when she asks you personally, ask her if its something she really wants. If you don't think you can perform your BM duties sincerely and whole heartedly, politely decline and explain why.
just say no
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You are planning your own wedding in a terrible economy. Could you explain your economic circumstances to the bride and say, "I am so excited that you and X are getting married! But since I am paying for my own wedding, finances are really tight right now. I can afford to pay for a dress, but I really can't afford to pay for a shower or bachelorette party. If that would be good for you, I would love to be a bridesmaid. If you would prefer, I would be happy to do a reading or hand out programs or be the guest book attendant. I know how stressful it is to plan a wedding, and I want to take any job that would make it easier for you." You have every right to bow out of this wedding if you can't afford it without feeling guilty.
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I agree with professorbee -- the best move may be to beg off because of finances and offer to help out in any way they need to on the day of the wedding (handing out programs, setting up escort cards, doing a reading, etc.). If you phrase it the way she suggested, explaining that your own wedding has you pretty strapped for cash and you would feel awkward being a bridesmaid who couldn't contribute to the traditional pre-wedding festivities, I'm sure they'll both understand.
Don't do it. I'd go with the money is tight bit...no sense in hurting her feelings. You guys might become better friends down the road.
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I would encourage you to spend a little more time reflecting on this. (I mean this in the most nicest way)
As a bride/groom you want to be surrounded by your closest friends. & you want your bridal party to be filled with the ones who support you and your significant others the most. The way I see it, I want the people standing up with me and my FH to be the ones who we will rely on later in life. For the good times, the bad, for our children... I want to be able to say to my kids- 'look who stood with us! Your auntie yy and your dads and my friend ww" and the kids being like 'wow you knew each other for that long?!'
It's a special day where people won't look back and say 'gosh that bachelerette party cost an arm and a leg.' It's a day where people will be like "remember how funny 'such and such' thing happened when we were trying to get so and so out the door?!" or "how the heck did we lose grandma while getting to the venue?!"
That is all your friend is asking you to do. I am sure you can tactfully find ways around the money issue. Explain to your friend how you are strapped for cash but would like to stand there by his side by assisting with other more fiscal means. But spiritually, it is really impactful to be there by his side during their nuptials.
Will you regret ten yrs from now, looking back, how you weren't standing by his side? Who is to say his soon to be wife won't open up more with you? Maybe she is shy? Maybe she is slow to warm up to? This is a great opportunity to be there for her. And I am sure, later on, God forbid when your friend has a horrible moment-such as a hospitalization- she will call you. Or Gd forbid he passes, and they have kids... you are one more person for the kids to be like "so how was my dad like?" Because my parents have friends that they keep in touch with that aren't necessarily both of their friends, but when the day comes they need to lean on someone... those friends will be there in a moment.
I am not trying to change your mind. I just think you can think about this differently. It seems as though this could be a great opportunity.
But I am sure they will understand your own needs if you can't help them with theirs as you would like to in the fullest.
I know it's not as traditional, but you should really be standing up on HIS side of the wedding party, if you're going to be standing up for him at all. He is your friend, not she, and the point of most people's wedding parties is typically honoring those who are closest to them to have them stand up for them on their wedding day. You are not close to her at all, nor does it seem that you even get along well. I know it won't be easy, but you have every right to say no and not feel really bad. Being a bridesmaid is not only time consuming, but a huge financial strain, one you should reserve for your true nearest and dearest, especially if money and time is tight. I'd discuss standing on HIS side of the wedding party, though. Maybe sit and think to yourself, if she were taken out of the equation (this is weird, but lets say he's just marrying no one), would you willingly stand up for him on his big day? It sounds like you two are very close. If he is not open to the idea of having a woman stand on his side of the party, then maybe that is your easy out. If he is open to it, I have a feeling you might reconsider, as you sound very close to him.
GL! Let us know how it all works out!
If she hasn't actually asked you yet, could you just speak up to your friend? Say, "I remember you saying something about me being in the wedding. I don't know if it's still being decided on, but I've been giving this a lot of thought.. I don't think I can swing it financially, with my wedding around the corner. I'd really would have loved to, but we thought it was really important to have FI still stand up with you. Besieds your fiance should be comfortable with all of the girls she picks."
I also wonder if his FI is standoffish because she feels insecrue about him having a really close female friend...
Thanks ladies! You've definitely all given me a lot to think about! Still have no idea what I'm going to do...but you all brought up GREAT points!! I'm just so afraid that by saying no that I'll really screw things up with my friend. @Penguin....if he had asked me to stand up on HIS side...I wouldn't even hesitate to say yes! Unfortunately, he's just way too traditional for that. @GaBGal....I think that you make a good point....when she asks me, I will make sure that I ask her if this is something that she really wants. Who knows, she might feel just as awkward to "have to" have me in the wedding!! I'm definitely gonna prepare for that conversation in advance. If she doesn't actually "ask" me, and just keeps on assuming that I am in the wedding...then I'll just have to have a conversation with my friend about it. It really is too bad that she and I have such an uncomfortable relationship....I can only imagine how awkward it will be if I do end up being a part of the wedding. The whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable, and the worst thing is that it's sort of starting to affect my relationship with my friend. Ugh. Thanks for all the good advice ladies! I will definitely think about everything you had to offer me! I really do appreciate it :)
@Tanya123...I REALLY like the way you phrased your post! That might end up being the best route for me to take. Thanks so much for posting that! And you know what...I think you might be right about her being threatened by the fact that he has such a close female friend. Truth is, I don't want her to feel uncomfortable either!!
I would do it, only because you're so close with the groom. I wouldn't want to put a strain on a really good friend over this. If it is legitamately too much time or money to plan you wedding and be involved in theirs, then politely let them know this. I definitely wouldn't bring up the issue that you and the bride aren't close.
I don't think I would necessarily do it...I don't see why you can't stand on HIS side if you're that important to him. Oh well, tha'ts what he should have done. I agree it could all be really awkward. Then again, does she have friends? Or do you think perhaps you're being asked to "even things out"? I knwo that sounds bad...you know what i mean though.
I would say yes...it is a chance to build a relationship with your best friends future wife. I once missed such a chance and have always been sorrry. This is an honor..don't miss it.
All very, very good points! I just need to make sure that she is okay with having me in the wedding, and that she's not just doing it for him. I mean, can you imagine if all of her other bridesmaids know that she doesn't really want me...and then I sort of turn into some sort of joke or point of awkwardness. Ugh....that would be awful. I really have to just make a decision, and then I'm gonna have to just put it out of my mind. The bigger problem is probably the crappy relationship I have with her. I just don't get her...she comes into an apartment full of people and can't even say hi to us! She only speaks when she's spoken to, and then it's only one word answers. I just don't get it. I guess I just have to keep being friendly, and then at least I'll know that I tried. What else can I do? I have to stop stressing over this though....my poor FI is incredibly understanding, but he doesn't like seeing me so upset about this, and I'm sure I'm driving him crazy with it all! Figured I'd give him a break, and would see what the hive had to say. Thanks so much ladies! :)
You know MayBee, after reading your post where you said, "The whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable, and the worst thing is that it's sort of starting to affect my relationship with my friend. Ugh." I kind of feel you should really try to be open with your friend about not being in the wedding. I think it's still good to approach your friend, like what I said originally. (But before, in the back of my mind I was thining that if he isn't receptive, then you should just do it for your friendship.) After hearing you say the whole situation is effecting your friendship regardless, I think it's time to be honest.
Since he is the one who wants to get you into this, I still think it's fair to talk to him, not her. And I would try to do it before she asks. Once she asks, then you'll have to deal with her. Honestly, I think your friend is putting both you and his fiance in a rough spot. It would be one thing if you got along well enough, even if you weren't best buds. But you two seem to be like oil and water. And I feel for the uneasiness of being with the bride and her BM during all of this bridal stuff. (I'd be wondering what if anything she's said to them about me.)
And does your friend know how you and his FI are together? If he does, I think he'd be understanding of you "backing out". It kind of sounds like if you don't back out of the wedding, it will hurt your friendship. So I think your best shot would be to lay it out gently. Besides your FI is still in the wedding. So you'll still be at the rehearsal dinner. And can channel your support through him.
keep us posted, I'm curious, I have a feeling you will be a BM because you are a good friend
@Tanya123...to tell you the truth, I think he's in denial over the fact that his girl and I really have no relationship with each other. And you know what...thanks for saying that he's the one that's sort of putting us in a tough position. I mean, I love the guy...and in his sweet world, we would just all get along and that would be that...but unfortunately things do not always run that smoothly! :) I know that he has very good intentions, and like I said...it's really sweet that he wants me to be in the wedding...but yeah, he clearly doesn't have a very good handle on the relationship between her and I. Honestly, I have also wondered what she's said to her friends about me...only because I potentially have to plan things with them!! That's weird, right??
@ ilovenycmissie...thanks for the compliment! Truth is, I probably will end up saying yes....it just sucks that it is so ridiculously awkward and uncomfortable. And not to play the money card, but being in a wedding is expensive....I am more than happy to do that for one of my best friends....but for someone who I would honestly call an acquaintance? I know that I'd really be doing it for my friend....but we'll already be paying for a tux/share of the bachelor party since my FI is one of his groomsmen! Honestly though, the money really is secondary to the awkawardness.
Still trying to figure it all out! Thanks again so much though ladies! I will definitely keep you posted :)
you should do it, if your friend means that much to you, there should be no question that you want to do this for him... but i can understand if you don't get along with her... she might think of you as a treat or whatever which might explain why she's cold to you maybe you guys can hang out one-on-one to try to work it out. ^_^ you should try your best for your friend. *nods*
you can graciously decline. I had a cousin tell me he REALLY just wanted to have a good time being a guest. Not that he didn't help out a lot with planning and other things. Maybe try saying you are not sure you have the time to do the position justice since you are planning your own wedding ?? Good luck darlin'
P.S. Hubbys best friends girl has tried to get between them , I'm not having it!! they have been friends for over 10 years , any time I know I have to work late I make sure to casually mention this to Best Buddy , so him and hubby can have some guy time. I love my hubby to pieces , but I never want him to forget his friends too.
It's me again. So many brides have difficulties figuring out what to do, because their Fi wants his sister in the wedding, but the bride doesn't. (And she'll ask the hive, should I ask her??) Often times the response is, "don't feel obligated."
That makes me wonder, if this bride came on here asking, "Should I have my fiance's friend as a Bm? I really don't get along with her, " what would ppl say? I feel like the hive would basically be saying, don't ask her, if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Just how I sense it. But I think that's important to think about. Maybee would be uncomfortable in the wedding. The bride would be uncomfortable having her. I just think the groom needs to be brought up to speed.
Maybee, here's an idea. This might be the one time you and the bride see eye to eye. Take advatnage of it. Maybe you two can tag team and talk to your friend together. (LOL - a little awkward, huh? But so true...)
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@Tanya123...you are one smart lady! You make a lot of good points. Never thought of the whole tag team idea...I mean, it would be a little awkward...but could have MAJOR benefits. And yeah, I think we would tell "her" not to have "me" in the wedding if she came to the hive asking for our advice. Who knows, maybe she's part of the hive already....and has me all figured out!! That would DEFINITELY solve my problem! :)
Why not suggest to your friend that you wear a black dress and stand up on his side?
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I don't think you necessarily have to say yes, especially since it seems that neither you nor the bride really want/intend for you to be in the bridal party. Unfortunately, the issue is preserving the relationship with your friend. Actually, I really like Tanya123's idea of tagteaming it with the bride - keep us posted!
Hey ladies...it's been a while since I originally posted this topic. I just wanted to thank you all for your VERY helpful advice, and to let you know how it all turned out. Well, I had a loooooonnnnggg talk with my friend about the situation, and he again told me how important it was to him for me to stand up with them on their wedding day. When I suggested that I stand up on HIS side, he confessed that he wants me to stand on HER side because he hopes that going through wedding planning together will make us better friends and help us to bond...which I thouht was very sweet. We had a long heart to hear about it, and decided that I would be one of her bridesmaids....but I made sure that it was okay with her too...and he ASSURED me that it was. A few days later, she asked me to be in the wedding...I said yes...we hugged...and you know what, things have gotten a little bit better. Hopefully things will continue moving in that direction! Anyway, thanks again ladies!! Not sure what I'd do without the hive! :)
Great to hear things worked out! I wholeheartedly believe you made a right decision. I think it's wonderful that both you and your FI can be a part of your friend's special day. Cheers to a life-long friendship!
Wow, this is so great to hear! he has a really good point, and i think it's awesome that he wants you and her to be better friends! Surely she knows this, too, as he's explained why he wants you to be in her bp, and hopefully she'll make a little more effort since it means so much to him. It may feel forced at first, but it will get easier. I think we can all appreciate having a friend and learning to like/love his or her SO at some point and realizing they're going to be sticking around for the long haul!
Awww.....thanks ladies! I'm very happy with the way it turned out too! :)
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Okay ladies, I'm gonna apologize in advance! This could get a little long. Okay, so I have a very close male friend, who is also one of my roommates. He and his FI got engaged a few months after my FI and I did. Soon after my friend got engaged, he informed me that he wanted HIS FI to ask me to be one of her bridesmaids!! I told him that that's not really the way it works, but he said that he wants me to be in the wedding since I am his best girl friend. I think it's sweet that he wants to include me, but he can't tell her who she needs to have as bridesmaids! There's a bigger problem at hand though. I really have no relationship at all with his FI. She is very quiet and unfriendly, and as much as I have tried to develop a friendship with her...she has put in no energy at all. I have pretty much given up on her, and have realized that she will always just be my friend's fiance (someday wife)...and that she and I will never really be friends. Well, the other day I happened to have overheard her on the phone with a friend of hers...and she was listing off her bridesmaids, and said my name!! She hasn't even asked me to be in the wedding!! I know that she already has it in her head that I will be in the wedding, but I think it's rude that she just assumes that I am when she hasn't even asked me yet. I know that she will actually ask me at some point, and to tell you the truth...I really don't want to say yes. My wedding is next May, and I really don't have extra money to be a BM for someone I'm not even friends with...and I don't know any of her friends, so organizing things for her is going to be really awkward!! What I'm worried about is hurting the relationship I have with my friend. Also, my FI and my friend are very close...he is also in the wedding as one of my friend's groomsmen...and I don't want this to hurt their relationship either. It's all just so awkward!! I feel bad saying no, but I really don't want to be in this wedding. I feel like my FI can represent us both! Just looking for some advice on what I should do...it's a really tough situation. I sort of feel like it might just be easier to suck it up and do it, so that my friend's feelings don't get hurt...but like I said...I really don't want to do it!!! If you're still reading...thanks!!! What do you think I should do??