Post # 1
Okay ladies, I’m gonna apologize in advance! This could get a little long. Okay, so I have a very close male friend, who is also one of my roommates. He and his FI got engaged a few months after my FI and I did. Soon after my friend got engaged, he informed me that he wanted HIS FI to ask me to be one of her bridesmaids!! I told him that that’s not really the way it works, but he said that he wants me to be in the wedding since I am his best girl friend. I think it’s sweet that he wants to include me, but he can’t tell her who she needs to have as bridesmaids! There’s a bigger problem at hand though. I really have no relationship at all with his FI. She is very quiet and unfriendly, and as much as I have tried to develop a friendship with her…she has put in no energy at all. I have pretty much given up on her, and have realized that she will always just be my friend’s fiance (someday wife)…and that she and I will never really be friends. Well, the other day I happened to have overheard her on the phone with a friend of hers…and she was listing off her bridesmaids, and said my name!! She hasn’t even asked me to be in the wedding!! I know that she already has it in her head that I will be in the wedding, but I think it’s rude that she just assumes that I am when she hasn’t even asked me yet. I know that she will actually ask me at some point, and to tell you the truth…I really don’t want to say yes. My wedding is next May, and I really don’t have extra money to be a BM for someone I’m not even friends with…and I don’t know any of her friends, so organizing things for her is going to be really awkward!! What I’m worried about is hurting the relationship I have with my friend. Also, my FI and my friend are very close…he is also in the wedding as one of my friend’s groomsmen…and I don’t want this to hurt their relationship either. It’s all just so awkward!! I feel bad saying no, but I really don’t want to be in this wedding. I feel like my FI can represent us both! Just looking for some advice on what I should do…it’s a really tough situation. I sort of feel like it might just be easier to suck it up and do it, so that my friend’s feelings don’t get hurt…but like I said…I really don’t want to do it!!! If you’re still reading…thanks!!! What do you think I should do??
Post # 3
I don’t have any advice on how to best handle the situation (especially since she hasn’t specifically asked you directly), but I really think that if you don’t want to, you shouldn’t. I invited an old friend of mine to be a BM pretty much because we always said we’d be in each others weddings. My gut was telling me not to because we had grown so far apart, but nostalgia was kicking in and I decided to ask. She accepted but then later it ended up in a huge falling out sort of thing where she just acted increasingly irritated towards me and then just told me she hadn’t even wanted to be in it in the first place. I REALLY wish she had just SAID it in the first place, bc I wouldn’t have been offended then – but I was offended to find out she was just going to grin & bear it through our wedding. Nobody wants to feel like they’re forcing a BM to be one. So if you don’t want to, I think you should make it clear. It’s really sweet that your friend wanted to include you, so maybe you could just offer to help his FI with any day-of setting up or things like that. Good luck!
Post # 4
I voted yes, and here is why. I see it as the bride and groom coming together by asking their closest (all their closest) friends to stand up with them. My sister’s friend got married and they had all the groomsmen and bridesmaid stand mixed together on either side. i thought it was really nice!
If you are really unsure about it all, when she asks you personally, ask her if its something she really wants. If you don’t think you can perform your BM duties sincerely and whole heartedly, politely decline and explain why.
Post # 6
You are planning your own wedding in a terrible economy. Could you explain your economic circumstances to the bride and say, "I am so excited that you and X are getting married! But since I am paying for my own wedding, finances are really tight right now. I can afford to pay for a dress, but I really can’t afford to pay for a shower or bachelorette party. If that would be good for you, I would love to be a bridesmaid. If you would prefer, I would be happy to do a reading or hand out programs or be the guest book attendant. I know how stressful it is to plan a wedding, and I want to take any job that would make it easier for you." You have every right to bow out of this wedding if you can’t afford it without feeling guilty.
Post # 7
I agree with professorbee — the best move may be to beg off because of finances and offer to help out in any way they need to on the day of the wedding (handing out programs, setting up escort cards, doing a reading, etc.). If you phrase it the way she suggested, explaining that your own wedding has you pretty strapped for cash and you would feel awkward being a bridesmaid who couldn’t contribute to the traditional pre-wedding festivities, I’m sure they’ll both understand.
Post # 8
Don’t do it. I’d go with the money is tight bit…no sense in hurting her feelings. You guys might become better friends down the road.
Post # 9
I would encourage you to spend a little more time reflecting on this. (I mean this in the most nicest way)
As a bride/groom you want to be surrounded by your closest friends. & you want your bridal party to be filled with the ones who support you and your significant others the most. The way I see it, I want the people standing up with me and my FH to be the ones who we will rely on later in life. For the good times, the bad, for our children… I want to be able to say to my kids- ‘look who stood with us! Your auntie yy and your dads and my friend ww" and the kids being like ‘wow you knew each other for that long?!’
It’s a special day where people won’t look back and say ‘gosh that bachelerette party cost an arm and a leg.’ It’s a day where people will be like "remember how funny ‘such and such’ thing happened when we were trying to get so and so out the door?!" or "how the heck did we lose grandma while getting to the venue?!"
That is all your friend is asking you to do. I am sure you can tactfully find ways around the money issue. Explain to your friend how you are strapped for cash but would like to stand there by his side by assisting with other more fiscal means. But spiritually, it is really impactful to be there by his side during their nuptials.
Will you regret ten yrs from now, looking back, how you weren’t standing by his side? Who is to say his soon to be wife won’t open up more with you? Maybe she is shy? Maybe she is slow to warm up to? This is a great opportunity to be there for her. And I am sure, later on, God forbid when your friend has a horrible moment-such as a hospitalization- she will call you. Or Gd forbid he passes, and they have kids… you are one more person for the kids to be like "so how was my dad like?" Because my parents have friends that they keep in touch with that aren’t necessarily both of their friends, but when the day comes they need to lean on someone… those friends will be there in a moment.
I am not trying to change your mind. I just think you can think about this differently. It seems as though this could be a great opportunity.
But I am sure they will understand your own needs if you can’t help them with theirs as you would like to in the fullest.
Post # 10
- Wedding: June 2008 - Winery in the Gold Country
I know it’s not as traditional, but you should really be standing up on HIS side of the wedding party, if you’re going to be standing up for him at all. He is your friend, not she, and the point of most people’s wedding parties is typically honoring those who are closest to them to have them stand up for them on their wedding day. You are not close to her at all, nor does it seem that you even get along well. I know it won’t be easy, but you have every right to say no and not feel really bad. Being a bridesmaid is not only time consuming, but a huge financial strain, one you should reserve for your true nearest and dearest, especially if money and time is tight. I’d discuss standing on HIS side of the wedding party, though. Maybe sit and think to yourself, if she were taken out of the equation (this is weird, but lets say he’s just marrying no one), would you willingly stand up for him on his big day? It sounds like you two are very close. If he is not open to the idea of having a woman stand on his side of the party, then maybe that is your easy out. If he is open to it, I have a feeling you might reconsider, as you sound very close to him.
GL! Let us know how it all works out!
Post # 11
If she hasn’t actually asked you yet, could you just speak up to your friend? Say, "I remember you saying something about me being in the wedding. I don’t know if it’s still being decided on, but I’ve been giving this a lot of thought.. I don’t think I can swing it financially, with my wedding around the corner. I’d really would have loved to, but we thought it was really important to have FI still stand up with you. Besieds your fiance should be comfortable with all of the girls she picks."
I also wonder if his FI is standoffish because she feels insecrue about him having a really close female friend…
Post # 12
Thanks ladies! You’ve definitely all given me a lot to think about! Still have no idea what I’m going to do…but you all brought up GREAT points!! I’m just so afraid that by saying no that I’ll really screw things up with my friend. @Penguin….if he had asked me to stand up on HIS side…I wouldn’t even hesitate to say yes! Unfortunately, he’s just way too traditional for that. @GaBGal….I think that you make a good point….when she asks me, I will make sure that I ask her if this is something that she really wants. Who knows, she might feel just as awkward to "have to" have me in the wedding!! I’m definitely gonna prepare for that conversation in advance. If she doesn’t actually "ask" me, and just keeps on assuming that I am in the wedding…then I’ll just have to have a conversation with my friend about it. It really is too bad that she and I have such an uncomfortable relationship….I can only imagine how awkward it will be if I do end up being a part of the wedding. The whole thing makes me feel uncomfortable, and the worst thing is that it’s sort of starting to affect my relationship with my friend. Ugh. Thanks for all the good advice ladies! I will definitely think about everything you had to offer me! I really do appreciate it 🙂
Post # 13
@Tanya123…I REALLY like the way you phrased your post! That might end up being the best route for me to take. Thanks so much for posting that! And you know what…I think you might be right about her being threatened by the fact that he has such a close female friend. Truth is, I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable either!!
Post # 14
I would do it, only because you’re so close with the groom. I wouldn’t want to put a strain on a really good friend over this. If it is legitamately too much time or money to plan you wedding and be involved in theirs, then politely let them know this. I definitely wouldn’t bring up the issue that you and the bride aren’t close.
Post # 15
I don’t think I would necessarily do it…I don’t see why you can’t stand on HIS side if you’re that important to him. Oh well, tha’ts what he should have done. I agree it could all be really awkward. Then again, does she have friends? Or do you think perhaps you’re being asked to "even things out"? I knwo that sounds bad…you know what i mean though.
Post # 16
I would say yes…it is a chance to build a relationship with your best friends future wife. I once missed such a chance and have always been sorrry. This is an honor..don’t miss it.