Post # 1
Hi bees, I’ve never posted on this board before but I need to get this out somewhere. Well I live with my BF and our main and only form of contraception is BC pills. It’s been that way for over 2 years. When we were first together, we used condoms, spermicide, and BCP. Then after a while, just BCP and spermicide, then eventually to just BCP.
Recently I had to go on antibiotics for about a week, and the doc told me to use backup for the time I was on it and for 10 days after. It just so happened that after that chunk of time, I would be starting my period immediately after. So instead of not having sex for about a month, I told BF to not worry and I’d take care of it. Well, I went out and bought the spermicide I used to use way back when. I inserted it for the first time last night, then we had sex. But I didn’t tell BF about it because 1) I thought it was a turn off and 2) I figured it was my problem that our contraception doesn’t work, so I would take the responsibility for it and not let him worry about it. Well, BIG MISTAKE! After sex he went to the bathroom and screamed in pain, he came back to bed and told me that it hurt so bad and that it burned. So of course immediately I told him that I used it and he was really upset. I told him I used to use it and it was never a problem. He said I should have told him and he’s right. I just felt so terrible knowing that he was in so much pain and it was ALL my fault!
After a while of apologizing and trying to make him feel better he finally got to sleep and he said it’s okay and he’s not mad, but I don’t believe him… I would be mad too!
Now he’s still sleeping and I just want to do something to make it up to him. I feel so horrible and like a big liar. Earlier in our relationship we went through a rought patch where I found out he was lying to me and hiding things from me for about 6 months. That went on for a little while and it was just the worst. That’s been behind us for a long time, but now I just feel like a hypocrite and like he’s going to recognize that. I know it’s not the same thing…I never intended to LIE or anything. I just thought I was doing him a favor by taking care of the birth control situation.
Just needed that vent and to maybe see if anyone has had these problems with spermicide before? Besides condoms which tend to irritate ME, what are our options??
Post # 3
Please don’t feel like it is your problem to deal with the birth control. It is his problem too, just because you are on the pill doesn’t take away his responsibility in the situation. Honestly, I’m not comfortable with any of the other forms of BC other than condoms. The failure rate is too high on them for me to risk it personally.
Post # 4
Give him some time. You can’t undo it, and don’t apologize too much–he’ll just get frustrated.
Have a talk with him, but just one.
Great thing about men (in this case–usually it’s a downside) they have very short memories. Talk to him once, and then you’re ok. Don’t worry.
Post # 5
I’d really try not to worry about it! It’s not like you knew he would react to it and did it anyways (you based your decision off of something you’d previously used successfully). I’m sure he is telling the truth when he says he isn’t mad; he knows it was an accident.
Post # 6
@pisces36:Let it go please don’t bring it up anymore. It was a freak accident, there is no need to blame anyone.
Post # 7
yep. i agree with @Mrs.KMM: it’s not like you knew he would have a bad reaction. i wouldn’t get too hung up on this.
Post # 8
I agree with the other posters that this is definitely not your fault however, you should not be ashamed to discuss any problems with your partner.
I used to get really irritated with condoms as well and I hated using them because I kept getting reactions from them. When my FI and I decided that it was time to go off BCP I was so afraid to use condoms because of the way I used to react to them. We found ones that are not latex and we are both totally fine with them. One is called Bare and one is called Skyn and they are made out of polyurethane. You can try those also.
Good luck and I hope he is feeling better.
Post # 9
He’s getting sex. He won’t stay mad for long!
Post # 10
FI and I made a drunken mistake a few years back, where one of us grabbed warming massage oil and thought it was lube. It resulted in both of us running to the bathroom screaming in pain.
In hindsight, it’s hilarious. We both got over it within a day, and I’m sure you guys will as well. It was an accident, it wasn’t intentional, and I think that bringing in emotions about lying is only going to complicate things! I wouldn’t worry.
Post # 11
@pisces36: first off, don’t bring it up! and leave the past in the past.
secondly, you said for him to not worry about it and you’d take care of it. That wasn’t a lie or even misleading. If HE didn’t ask the questions of how, that was HIS fault. Yeah, you could’ve told him, but what’s the likelyhood he would’ve said “no”? Especially if it’s something you two HAD been using?
Also, I agree with the others, he’s as much responsible for birth control as you. It takes two to tango and leaving it up only to one or the other isn’t the best idea since there’s ALWAYS a .1% chance the birth control pill won’t work, the condom will break, the spermacide won’t be successful. (My FI and I know a couple who have 8 kids and could name each one after one type of birth control or another because they all failed eventually.)
You kept your word, so he has no right to be angry with you. 🙂
Post # 12
@pisces36: Yes my SO and I both have had problems with the spermicide, I used to use this stuff called Delfin and they took it off the market ( dont know why ? It was great) so I bought this other stuff and used it and it burned him so bad and gave both of us major problems. So we didnt have sex for almost 2 weeks because of the stuff, but I felt absolutly terrible because I was the one who bought it and picked it out. That was back when I was on the pill, now I have the copper I.U.D.
Post # 13
i second the skyn condoms. they are much better than latex condoms.
Post # 14
@pisces36: Aw, don’t be so hard on yourself – it wasn’t like you KNEW it would cause him pain! Besides, it is just as much his responsibility as yours to prevent baby-making 😉
Post # 14
Birth Control is not just your responsibility, ever.
Post # 15
Thanks all! I made him a nice big breakfast this morning and told him I wanted to do something to make him feel better. He said thank you and that it was fine and not to worry about it. He really wasn’t mad at all but I think we were both a little embarassed about it. Anyway, we discussed looking into the non-latex condoms and seeing if those feel okay for both of us. I sure hope so!