I regret that I EVER proposed! I just want a commitment… (VERY VERY long)

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
5207 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2013

Post # 3
Member
6026 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

If you can’t wait two whole years to move in together or marry (tried to read the whole thing but just couldn’t) then you’re not mature enough to do either. Get more therapy and learn some self-confidence and self-control. Don’t build a marriage on an emotionally unstable foundation.

Post # 4
Member
8018 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

First, I think you’re very self aware and resilient which does take emotional maturity. From your post though, it seems like your core identity is your issues- they are the defining fact in the way you speak of your life narrative. I think putting so much importance on your flaws will make you magnify them and cave to them because “that’s just me”. I would look into mindfulness training, change how your think about yourself, “pretend” and practice who you want to be. See the emotional choice and the logical choice and say “I chose logic because I’ve come so far” not “here I go again emotional me”. Change your mind, change yourself. Don’t grip your “borderline personality etc” problems so near and dear.

ANYHOO your relationship. I don’t think your guy is going to up and leave you for another girl, because most girls arent going to be cool with never having sex. Why are you? He’s afraid of the doctor? He needs to get over it and take care of this. That was the most problematic bit of your post.

Re: your engagement. Say what you will about the Anglo tradition… But for women it’s AWESOME. Does he want to marry you? You’ll find out, because he’ll ask or he wont. No wondering. You ask? He gives a vague yes because he doesn’t want to say no, and you’re in a terrible grey zone. Want to find out if you’re engaged? Ask him. Are we engaged and planning a wedding or not? See what he says, see if he’s willing to work on the sex issue, and if it’s no to all the above id walk. 

Post # 5
Member
1789 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’ll start by saing – Don’t use the issues you’ve had in the past to define yourself 🙂 Instead of defining yourself as an ’emotionally unstable person who loved her alcohol’. choose something great about yourself and define yourself with that instead, like ”Kind, thoughtful, self-aware’… I dunno.. I’m sure you can think of a bunch of great adjectives to define yourself with 🙂 Have you ever heard of the Myers-Briggs personality test? It can give you some great insights into your personaly type and suggestions about how to develop the ‘logic’ part of your brain, so I’d give that a try if you think it’s an issue that you have.

Regarding the proposal, I agree that it’s always a good idea to wait and let the guy make the move.. because that way you know he means it 🙂 It’s very common for young women to make too many first moves, but it’s kind of a self-sabotaging tactic..  it’s like you’re afraid of actually letting yourself be happy and letting the guy propose to you first.. so you sabotage it by trying to take control of it all.

So my advice to you is.. first of all, focus on your qualities 🙂 You deserve to be happy, you’re a great person and you can leave your issues in the past. If you’re happy with this guy right now, don’t walk, but don’t set your sights on marriage.. instead take a back seat, work on doing things that you love and letting him work out how he feels about the engagement himself!! 🙂

 

Post # 6
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Bzzzzgirl:  Part of the problem I see is that you avoid having the serious discussions that need to happen, and instead do things like propose to keep the peace. The intimacy issues were never resolved and yet you so wanted to reassure him that now you have settled for something you aren’t happy with and don’t feel like you can bring it up. Have a heart to heart talk with him: you need to ask him what he means when he says that you don’t see the engagement the same way he does. He doesn’t act like he has any real intention of marrying you. Since you are unsure about marriage as well, it’s worth re-evaluating where each of you are.

Post # 7
Member
1883 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Bzzzzgirl:  my dear, until you address the issues that are causing you to behave this way, all your relationships will always be dysfunctional and end badly. You seem to be helpless against your impulsive behavior. Forget getting married… focus on getting stable and figuring out what you actually want from a relationship. Doesn’t sound like your guy wants to get married anytime soon anyway, to you or anyone else.

Post # 9
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

 

Bzzzzgirl: So I typed up a big long response to you but then I went back for facts and realized that actually do realize you made a mistake and are now asking if you should stay or go.

You made a mistake proposing at 9 months. You need to work on you and getting you to a better you who is confident and ready for a healthy adult relationship. A girlfriend of mine recommended a 6 month hiatus from dating where I should go out with friends, often! Find a hobby and get good at it, join a club or group (hiking group, running, biking or knitting even a book club), make new friends and connect with old ones. Get out and live your life for you. Finish up school and find your place in the world. Maybe get counseling or see a therapist about your past because that might help you get past your faults and deal with some things that seem to be holding you back or making you look for permanence in a relationship at lightning speed.

Back to the guy- dump him. Anyone who cannot take their own health, mentally or physically, seriously and make it the number 1 priority in their life deserves to be single. He can’t be 100% true to you if he’s not being true to himself first. If it’s an easy fix then he needs to take control of it and get it done. Sexless relationships are for the birds (I think they would have something to say about it too..). If you were in your 70’s-80’s when things get more complicated then sure whatever, but you are in your 20’s! Get out there and hump stuff (safely).

Move on from this guy, work on and be true to yourself. Don’t jump the gun on the next one, give it time to blossom into whatever it will. If you take my advice and do the hiatus then when you get back into dating, do not stop your new habit or hobby for the person you’re dating. They should work themselves into your schedule, men like a woman who has her priorities straight and has things going for herself. Don’t be free to be at his beck and call, go slow with the relationship and enjoy having you time.

Good luck and I’m sorry if you feel this is off base.

Post # 11
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

MrsBuesleBee:  Exactly this. He is unlikely to leave because with his physical issues, his options are limited (other than finding someone who does not believe in premarital sex, so able to mislead her until marriage).  But he really doesn’t seem right for you, so what if you like to watch different things on television?

Post # 14
Member
2017 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

 

Bzzzzgirl:  You definitely know what you need to do and I know it will be hard. Him feeling “crushed” will hopefully spur him into getting his shit together too. Not to be cruel but his feelings and issues are not your problem. His sexual issue is his problem and PP is right in saying he will have to trick someone into keeping him around without premarital sex. Even if he does trick someone into marriage they can get annulment because he can’t consummate it (again, not your problem if you free yourself from someone who seems to want to change who you are.) I have nothing else nice to say so I’ll stop posting…

Other than to say, I believe in you and the future you can make for yourself. With a little help and confidence you will find a partner to have a healthy relationship with 🙂

Post # 15
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Bzzzzgirl:  Not the most relevant q but are you in college orn in grad school? You say you fnished college and are in grad school but then go back and say youre in college…

I agree w PPs and wish you good luck

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