I resent my boyfriend for not proposing… Help?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
64 posts
Worker bee

@Erika1216:  Does he know how much it hurt you when he changed his mind? Now is probably a good opportunity to tell him very clearly and straightforwardly that you’re excited he’s reached this step, but that you’ll only be able to participate if he’s serious this time and that a rerun of what happened before is not an option. Do you think you could put it to him that way? You might get enough of a reassuring response that it won’t hurt as much to wait. 

Post # 4
Member
3598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I’d have dumped him after he bought a ring with you right there and then changed his mind and pawned it.  He didn’t even save it to propose to you later.  

I think he owes you an honest evaluation of what he’s thinking right now, and a timeline.  He can’t string you on like this.  

Post # 5
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Erika1216:  how long have you been together? I cant imagine how it felt having him buy a ring and then pawn it..

Post # 6
Member
498 posts
Helper bee

Did he explain to you why he pawned it?  It would be very different if it was “I just decided I don’t want to marry you” or “I love you, but right now I really need the money to pay for [something responsible and necessary]” 

March to December isn’t a huge amount of time to change your mind so many times about something so huge, I’d have a serious talk with him. If I was you, at this point I’d be just about done with him. 

Post # 8
Hostess
9919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Erika1216:  did he say WHY he pawned the ring the first time?  I would have been LIVID if I found out FH did that – if there was a logical, responsible reason for it, it might be forgivable.

Post # 10
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Erika1216:  First off, I don’t think too many gals scream “yes!” Like that so don’t expect a fairy tale reaction. Just be okay with a normal, happy reaction. Secondly, that fear of crying from resentment needs to be worked through by talking to your boyfriend.  Healthy relationships have healthy communication. That first ring was clearly an impulse buy and he was not ready to propose. How old are you both? How long have you two been together? Did he make a purchase this time? If not, maybe talk about your future, and if necessary postpone ring shopping until he’s ready to propose. 

 

If he isn’t ready to propose there isn’t anything you can or should do to force him too. Best of luck. 

Post # 13
Member
3598 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

He wanted to buy a diamond of better quality?  Did he originally buy the ring at a pawn shop?  Because it would seem stupid to try to get his money back if he bought the ring at a jewelry store and sell it at a pawn shop–he’d get a fraction of what he paid.

Post # 14
Member
179 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Tell him that he know’s your taste & size (as per the first time around), your heart can’t take the high & then be let down again.  You want be excited about the ring & proposal for him to put that extra thought into surprising you – that you know he’ll make it more special this time around.     This way it tell’s him how you feel, and put’s it all on him to make it right. 

Post # 15
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Erika1216:  I personally believe that when a person is ready to propose and they have a ring, they are not going to postpone the proposal and pawn the ring so that they can purchase a bigger ring. Honestly, that sounds like a stalling technique. Perhaps when ring shopping with you he realized that he loved you so much and wanted to be with you, so on impluse, he purchased the ring – but then he realized that he wasn’t ready for that step. Maybe he had always hoped of being done with his undergrad degree and to be working before he proposes? Maybe he has other goals he wants to accomplish before getting engaged. Maybe, to him, when a couple gets engaged it means they are ready to get married right that second if need be. These are things that no one can answer, but him, and sadly it seems like he is either lying to you to not hurt your feelings or lying to himself and can’t admit that he made a mistake buying the ring the first time.

Regardless, if he isn’t ready to propose, then again, I strongly suggest that both of you stop looking at rings. Discuss your aspirations for the future, talk about what you want to have accomplished before getting married. Talk about where you want to be in life. After this conversation, there will be a natural engagement period. Ask your boyfriend how he views engagement. Some people feel weird about getting engaged while still in college, especially if there are any financial ties to the parents still. Getting engaged while mom and dad still pay rent doesn’t scream “ready for marriage” to some people.

As for being unreasonable, I was there. I was you, almost. DH never purchased a ring, but he took me to look at rings in college. While he and I were both in college I wanted to get engaged, but like you, wasn’t in a rush to get married. I just felt that he and I were serious, and we knew we were going to get married, so I wanted that ring on my finger to show people “Look! We’re seriously serious!” I was around 20/21 at the time, a sophmore in college I think, and DH was in his last semester. He wasn’t ready to propose, but we went to look at rings. I got so excited I thought he was going to propose on my 21st birthday! I was heartbroken when it didn’t happen. I talked to him about it, and we had a similiar conversation I am urging you to have with your boyfriend. To DH, getting engaged meant being ready to get married. While he knew he wanted to marry me, he wanted to have a job first, and he wanted me to have a job and be done with school. He asked if I was ready to get married, and emotionally, yes, I would have married him in a heartbeat, but I realized there was more to getting married than just loving him (our personal views on marriage, not projecting on to anyone else’s marriage). Since I was not in a rush to get married, I agreed to just put the whole idea of waiting behind me and focused on my relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend. Three years later (yup a whole six years together) took me ring shopping. I’d been working for about 1 1/2 years, and we were completely financially independant. To my surpise, I wasn’t all about ring shopping the moment I got a job, I was focused on my career and enjoying that new phase in my life, so when we did go ring shopping everything felt real and it felt right. We purchased a ring the second time we went shopping and he proposed 2 months later. Everything felt right. Everything felt real.

So what I am saying is, talk to him, and I mean really talk to him allow him to be open and honest, and listen to what his feelings are. Yes, I guess some could say he is just leading you on, but only you can know how much you trust him (and you’ve said you trust him completely) so trust him and let your relationship unfold at a pace you’re both comfortable with. Trust me, you’ll get over the resentment a lot faster this way, and you’ll be able to enjoy your relationship as it is now without worrying about that next step in life. It will come, and when it does, you’ll not worry about crying for the wrong reasons.

Post # 16
Member
2516 posts
Sugar bee

@Erika1216:  Have you told him about all of this? The first step is to communicate your feelings to him about this. If he was being truthful about wanting to buy a diamond of higher quality, perhaps you two can do some online research together before going ring shopping again so it won’t be an issue in the future.

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