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I know its your wedding and a lot of people are going to basically tell you to tell FH and sis to put on big girl panties.. but given the situation (sad as it is), you kind of chose to upset your sister and not respect the wishes of your FH (even though he prob just doesnt want you to have contact with her bc he is trying to protect you..and kinda has no right to tell you who you can and cant talk to). So my advice to you is to put on your big girl panties and tell them now, this way.. your sister can chose to not come to your wedding or handle it how she wants to.
@MarryMeTiffany: Wow! I could really talk with you.
I don't have any advise but I think I know how you feel.
I haven't spoken with my mother or step father for years but I secretly long for her to be at my wedding. I absolutley do not want my step father there and I know he would show up if I invited her.
Good luck with everything and let us know how it all works out.
I'd be prepared for your sister not to come to your wedding. If I was in her shoes, I don't think I'd want to be there.
Tell your sister right away so she has a chance to process this and decide what she wants to do. It's not fair to blindside her with it right before the wedding.
Tell your FH straight away as well, it's his wedding too and he has a right to know who's coming.
Explain to them both that you've thought about this carefully, and despite everything you've been through with her, you feel you would have always regretted not inviting your mother.
Just tell them. And be ready with a game plan to keep them separated, like tables on opposite sides of the room. Your sister can choose not to have her at her own wedding, but she can't choose for you. If at some point you and your mother are able to get a better relationship going, you would feel awful for not including her, and you can't have that on your conscience.
Nothing could make me miss my sister's wedding. I'd be there to support her no matter who else would be there, and I'm sure ultimately your sister will feel the same.
@JerseyGirlLaur: I feel like things function a little differently when there's an abusive parent in the mix.
@bookworm88: Each situation is different though. FI's father was abusive (FMIL left when he started in on the kids) but we've still chosen to invite him. We're just going to take steps to put them on opposite sides of the reception and different rows at the ceremony. I'm also going to keep an eye on my nephew that weekend to make sure he's not left alone with him (not that it's likely to happen or that he does things in public, oh never, but better to be safe). For our engagement party, we encouraged FMIL to bring one of her sisters (she did), alerted the hosts to the situation and they+us+my parents made sure that she was never left alone (and it was at a house where she could exit a room through a diff door than FMIL & FSMIL entered by).
I think you should tell them right away and explain what you told us.
You need to tell both your FI and your sister now. You had the right to invite your mother, but your sister has the right to decide not to be anywhere near her abusive mother. Best not to make her decide the night before the wedding and put her on the spot.
You need to just own up to what you did and why. There is no hiding why.
I have a non-existant father who I just started talking to righ before the wedding. I didnt invite him because of pressure from my mom.
He now doesnt speak to me at all. I am sure its because he wasnt invited to the wedding. Do I regret it some? sure, but I dont regret maintaining the fabulous relationship I have with my mom and step-dad. It wasnt worth it. It, unfortunately, was a no win situation If I had invited him I didnt expect my mom to understand or my siblings who have not spoken with him.
You made your choice and you need to deal with the fall out. Your fiances and sister may not be understanding, but you knew that and took the risk.
I really feel like you shouldn't have gone against your FI and sister's wishes. No, it's not your sister's wedding, but it IS your FI's. How do you think your sister is going to feel facing her abuser, who is potentially still gonna be abusive to her? I wouldn't go to your wedding, if I were her. I'd trust my sister to put me and my mental health on her list of top priorities (if she, too, had been abused by and didn't communicate with our mother) and I'd be blindsided if she chose to invite her anyway, if that was the case. In a family that has dealt with abuse, there is always one person who somehow feels guilt when it comes to their abuser. You felt guilt over not inviting your mother, so you invited her against your future husband and sister's wishes.
There is nothing you can do now but to inform your FI and sister of what you did so that they can prepare themselves to be around her at the wedding.
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And she RSVP'd with a Yes. Now to my dilema.......
My Mom and I are not really speaking she's actually a little crazy (not make a scene at my wedding crazy though). She was abusive growing up and that's one of the reasons I don't really talk to her. Deep down inside I really wanted her there though.
My FH has seen alot of the ups and downs of my Mom and I's relationship. After the last incident and many tears he really doesn't want me to have contact with her anymore. Along with that my Sister doesn't speak to my Mom and her relationship with my Mom is way worse then mine. My Mom was always ALOT meaner to my sister growing up and still is.
How the heck do I tell my FH and Sister that I invited my Mom? I know my sister will probably be hurt and feel weird knowing my Mom will be there she may even be a tad bit nervous.
How do I handle this? Do I tell them now? Were 3 weeks out. Or wait till right before so my Sister doesn't stress about it.
Edit:
I have already set the table plan and have my sister at the head table and my Mom at table 10 the furthest away table.