I know people usually go anonymous for things like this, but I thought I might get more advice if I was completely open and honest about my relationship and my identity.
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 years. When we first started dating, it was amazing. Definitely the puppy love stage, but I loved it. He kept saying that I was out of his league, and how did he ever get a girl like me? He’d invite me to his apartment to hang out with people, go out for cocktails with his friends, go to the beach, all the fun stuff that couples do together. It was pretty awesome.
Then about a year into our relationship, we did an 8 month LDR. That was tough. We had a really hard time communicating, especially since we both are not phone people. But we actively worked on communication, and it got a lot better. We started planning our wedding (his idea!) He bought a ring in December (while visiting family, 8 hours away.) He was planning to propose on Christmas. On the drive home alone, he started freaking out. He decided that he was too young to get married, and he wanted to wait. But he knew I was the girl he wanted to marry. Which was fine with me, I don’t think marriage should be rushed into at all.
Then everything started falling apart. Rapidly.
He’s been a lot more critical lately. I’m not overweight, but I have put on about 10 pounds since we started dating. I’m about a size 4-6, but not really toned. He started making pointed remarks about it, asking me to go to the gym, commenting on what I eat. Making remarks about how he’s attracted to super toned, fit body types.
So I recently started going to the gym 5 days a week, and cutting calories, and he still has stuff to say about it. I’m not doing it right; I’m eating the wrong types of foods, etc. He just hasn’t been very encouraging. He makes me feel unattractive. He used to be super touchy feely and now I pretty much have to initiate all physical contact. He also jokes about going to the beach this summer that I have to be “worthy” of being his arm candy. I know he’s joking, but it really hurts.
He also never invites me to do anything with his friends anymore. His roommates are throwing a Superbowl party, and I’m not invited. They also threw a Christmas party, and he also didn’t ask me to come. It’s not like these are “bros” nights, the roommates invite girls over all the time. I almost feel like he’s ashamed of me.
He is also “concerned” that I don’t have a plan after college. I graduate this semester, he graduates next. I’ve always known that since he’s going to have the high paying, but limited location job (Aerospace Engineer), that we would move wherever he gets a job. I started my own business from home about a year ago, so I’ve been working on that while I finish college. It’s doing well, but it’s definitely not a sure thing. If it works out, fabulous… If it doesn’t work out, I’m open to get a normal 9-5 job somewhere. But he calls me unambitious, and he “worries” about me not doing anything with my life.
He also lectures me ALL THE TIME. On my money, on my business, on what I say, etc. Recently, I accidently did something to offend his mother. I made a cake for his grandpa (FMIL asked me to, and paid for materials) and when we cut the cake, I threw away the fondant decorations I made. (Because that's what you do!) She apparently wanted to save them and reuse them for future birthdays. She was LIVID, and he spent the entire night soothing his mother, telling her “She [me] had a stupid moment.” and “She just wasn’t thinking.” And then, he lectured me about how I should have asked, and that that wasn’t my place to throw those away, that I don’t think about the consequences of my actions. Basically, I ended up bawling, feeling completely horrible, while away from home, and having to still be with his family the whole next day. He not only did not stand up for me at all, he made me out to look like I was a complete idiot.
He tends to treat me like he knows better than me, that he’s smarter than me. It didn’t used to be like this. I think this all started with the engagement ring. I guess now he’s trying to figure out if I’m the one he wants spend the rest of his life with, or if we need to end it while we can. If my “flaws” are too much in our relationship.
We’ve discussed what changes need to be made ad nauseam in our relationship. It always ends up with me in tears, and him looking at me like, “Why are you crying? Suck it up.” I feel like I’m not good enough. I am trying SO HARD to keep my relationship together, but I feel like it’s falling apart.
He does acknowledge he’s overly critical. But he says he has super high expectations for himself, and if he can meet them, other people should also be able to also. He expects me to be thin and toned, he expects me to make a certain amount of money each year, he expects certain things out of the person he’s going to spend the rest of his life with. I know people have certain wants and desires, but does he expect too much of me?
@Paiger8 Um, he sounds like a controlling dick who doesn't love you for who you are. I'm sorry, that's harsh, but this story really does not paint a pretty picture. You are young and have all the time in the world to find someone who does love YOU. Ditch this asshole.
@Paiger8: Dear God, I'm so sorry you're going through with this. I think your BF is expecting way too much of you. You're not a robot. You're human, and we all have flaws. That's what makes us interesting and relate-able. Even your BF, though he may think he has high standards, is not without fault. Granted any one can benefit from a little self-improvement in the right atmosphere. However, your BF's methods of isolating and belitting you, is neither correct nor healthy. It seems you guys have tried sorting this out yourselves without positive results. At this time, you probably need a third party to step in to mediate and help you both find effective ways of communicating to one another and helping to resolve your issues. Go to couples counseling. Lastly, I wouldn't focus too much oon wondering if they proposal triggered the behavior. You truly won't know until you guys find some sort of resolution and worrying about it will just drive you crazy. Good luck!
This is really not good. He's being horrible to you. The part about you not being invited to parties and gatherings at his place sounds the most damning. My FI would refuse to be at any social gathering where I wasn't invited, and he'd never consider not inviting me himself. And I don't know which of you had the idea that he'll make all the dough with an aerospace engineering degree and you have to follow him, but I wouldn't count on it. My aerospace engineer FI couldn't find work for a full year (this is a really bad time for the field overall), and now he makes decent money, but nothing to follow him across the country for. I'll eventually make more than he will. Bottom line, this guy treats you like he's doing you a favor by gracing you with his presence. Time to walk away. You'll never know how it feels to be truly loved, appreciated, and respected unless you say goodbye and move on.
@Paiger8: There's a saying "when someone shows you who they are believe them"
You say you have been with your boyfriend for 2 years and the first year was amazing. Most people experience that loved up period where the sun shines out of the other person then it settles down to normal life after a while. I think the fact that you were long distance maybe shielded you from that.
You have talked marriage but he won't invite you to parties with his roommates when girls are invited or stick up for you in front of his family? I would not be ok with those things at all.
As for him being critical,a partner should be supportive and see you as their equal. He shouldn't be acting like he's better than you.
How do you feel about him now? Your post is mainly about how he seems to feel.
@lolot: +1
OP, he sounds like a complete jerk. I'm sorry that he's treating you this way. I'd leave him.
@lolot: What she said. Thats not the way you treat anyone, let alone the person you love.
@Paiger8: He does not sound like a supportive, caring or loving partner that you DESERVE to have in your life.
OP, this appears to be a recurring theme given your previous post....http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/feeling-judged-by-my-so.
Regardless of your weight, your career goals, your academic success or your personal choices, you deserve to be respected and loved. Your significant other should be a supporter and someone who completes you. He is treating you more like a child (albeit, he would make for an awful parent at this point), not like a partner.
Unfortunately, it seems like he is showing his true colors. It is your decision, but is this someone you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Wow.
I'm not sure what to tell you except think long and hard before continuing with wedding plans. The first year usually is amazing...and then you slowly learn who your partner really is. I firmly believe in loving someone for who they are and if he is criticizing who you are, that's not good. You mentioned that he has super high expectations for himself...well, you are not him. He also "expects you to be thin and toned"...what if you are someday very sick and put on weight? What about if you were ever to be pregnant? Criticizing who your looks and leaving you out of plans does not sound very healthy. I don't condone making a rash decision, but I might be re-considering the relationship at this point.
Have to agree with everyone else. This does not sound like a healthy and loving relationship.
He doesn't love you for who you are - simple.
As hard as it may be and as much as you love him and obviously see a future with him, I think you need to consider that you would be happier without him.
Three words: Ditch the asshole.
Somebody needs to have expectations of him and make him feel what it's like
@bmo88: exactly this. And seriously - if this were a parent treating their child this way, they would be a horrible parent. Why any different when you're an adult OP?
I would leave. Who wants to constantly feel like they're not good enough? Not me, and probably not you. His nitpicking about how you're not good enough actually sounds quite abusive to me. How long can you be put down before you aren't even yourself anymore? Time to move on and find someone who loves you for you. Being you doesn't sound so awful to anyone but him. That's just not right.
Oh honey, I am so sorry you are going through this! He sounds exactly like my ex!
Like you, when we first started dating things were great! In my case, things didn't start to go downhill until after we got engaged.
My ex became very critical of all sorts of things, said I wore too much makeup, would say my clothes were too revealing (trust me, they weren't at all!), ask me why I go to the gym ('who are you trying to look good for?'), etc.
We had a huge blowup about my e-ring (there's a super long thread about it) and many bees said he is now showing his true colors and to believe this is the real him. I hate to say it, they were right. What hurt so much was that it was like he was a completely different guy than the one I knew and fell in love with.
We wound up breaking up but were able to have a long civilized talk afterwards. It turns out he didn't have the balls to break up with me, so he was being mean, hoping I would be the one to 'officially' break it off so he didn't have to look like the bad guy.
Now I'm not sure if that's the case with your guy, but it seems strange that all this would start after he bought your ring. Maybe he is having second thoughts. Maybe the time in the LDR made him realize he's not ready for marriage.
You should NOT be treated this way at all; you two need to have a long talk and if this behavior from him continues, you need to keep your self respect and walk away from this relationship. If you let him treat you like this, he will continue to.
Big hugs.
The way he is treating you is not your fault, and there is probably nothing you can do that will make it better or change the way he's acting. You cannot "fix" him.
So sit yourself down and ask, Would you take him as he is, forever? Are you willing to feel this way the rest of your life and commit yourself to this life with him?
I try not to throw around the word abuse because I think it can lessen the meaning of it, but from the way your post sounds, it seems like he is borderline emotionally abusive. He belittles you in front of others. He criticizes every part of your life, and when you make an effort to change these things, he still criticizes and belittles. Bottom line, he's making you feel like shit and slowly killing your self-esteem and sense of worth. Girl, you started a business...while in college! You work out and keep your body healthy. You bake fondant cakes, which is a level of baking mastery I will never enjoy. You rock, and there is nothing wrong with you. This is something wrong with him.
It may not be physical abuse that has visible injuries, but it is dangerous what it can do to a person. I watched my aunt suffer and be unhappy for so long because she still thought of her husband as the man she married and not the man he'd become. He would make fun of her weight, and if she lost it and became skinny, he'd accuse her of becoming skinny so she could cheat on him and belittle her in front of anyone and everyone until she binge ate and gained the weight back. It was a cruel cycle, and it didn't stop at her physical appearance. It's emotional manipulation that spoke to his need to control, and it stemmed from inside him; it had nothing to do with her or her actions.
OP, I just want to add: your SO/FI/life partner should be your biggest cheerleader and be constantly amazed at how incredible you are. That is not "puppy love" that you quickly grow out of - that's what actual true love is.
I feel confident saying this, as I've been with my guy for 13+ years and we both feel very much this way. (And that's after weight gain, disappointing career twists and turns, offended family members, and everything else that you do "wrong".).
It will suck, but you gotta leave this jerk so you can find real love with a guy who is not emotionally abusive and actually deserves you.
Dude, when you meet a guy who is nice to you you'll look back at this guy and be like "why did I tolerate even a second of that?"
You know, on this Web site we read about a lot of SOs/FIs who are treating their partners badly, but we also read about a lot of great guys and I so often see women here saying "my fiance makes me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world" and I really think you deserve that. It doesn't matter if you're a size 0 or a size 30, your boyfriend shouldn't be telling you that you need to lose weight to be "worthy" of him.
A size 4-6, started your own business, graduating college soon, and you can bake!? You sound like the total package, and he sounds like he was right from the beginning...you're too good for him! Nobody ever deserves to be criticized and feel like crap from their SO. A lasting relationship doesn't require love, it requires UNCONDITIONAL love, and this doesn't sound like it. I'm so sorry you are going through that, but you really are young and have all the time in the world to meet and fall for the right guy.
DTMFA. Seriously. Run. Do NOT seek counseling. He is not worth it. I feel angry for you just hearing how terribly you are being treated. He is being abusive.
Seriously this guy is all wrong. You started a business! That certainly qualifies as ambitious to me. It sounds like the apple didn't fall too far from the tree judging from his mother's reaction to the fondant incident (as in you did nothing to be criticized for, in fact you should have been thanked for making the cake, and yet somehow you got "in trouble" for it?!?)
I agree with the PPs, he's not good for you and you deserve better. leave.
I think he is acting like a jerk because he wants to be dumped.
I also think he is acting very young and living in a fantasy world where he sees himself making loads of money, with a Nobel prize winning type of career right out of college, and with tons of thin, toned, overachieving career women lining up at his door to date him. He needs a reality check, but life will likely take care of that.
Geez. it doesn't sound like you can do anything right in his eyes. He treats you very unfairly.
Yeah I'm so sorry, he sounds like a loser. It's only been 2 years and he's already trying to control your weight and your job, and is belittling and excluding you. I think you can do much better.
and BTW I totally support your throwing out of the cake decorations. And you made them, so you should be able to do whatever the hell you want with them. Period. It's not like SHE slaved away on them
*RED FLAG* signs of future physical abuse, although right now. His actions include other types of abuse. Here's the "Power and Control" wheel which outlines kinds of abuse http://www.uic.edu/depts/owa/power_control-wheel_clip_image001.jpg he is utilizing 7 out of 8 (the 8th involving children)
I always think we are a team, and he sounds like dead weight.
This guy sounds like a huge jerk! Next!
sorry to be so blunt but i once dated a guy like that and im sooooooo glad that I didnt end up with someone like that cause frankly i would have went through my whole life miserable and doubting myself constantly
I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you, no one deserves to get treated that way. We are all human and we all have flaws. Move on and find someone who loves you for who you are - flaws and all. :)
I'm sorry. It seems to me this man obviously has no respect for you.
@Paiger8: Honey, I am saying this with so much compassion and love: it has nothing to do with you or his expectations, it has to do with the fact that this is abusive behavior. I was going to suggest that you sit him down ONCE and tell him that these things that he is doing (have a list, provide specific examples) are causing you to feel X, Y and Z -- but I can't even do that, because I believe 100% that he knows EXACTLY what he's doing and that he will not change because HE THINKS HE'S RIGHT. You don't want to be with someone who isn't capable of seeing when he's wrong, and you don't want to be with someone who knows he hurting you and doesn't care. You deserve SO MUCH BETTER. You can stay, knowing that this is unacceptable, for months or years while trying to convince yourself that it will get better, then eventually leave him down the road when you finally acknowledge that he is not a worthy, respectful partner, but you will regret all the time you wasted and wish you'd left sooner. OR you can LEAVE NOW and get started on the rest of your life knowing that you are a strong, amazing woman who won't let anyone treat her badly.
He kept saying that I was out of his league, and how did he ever get a girl like me?
Your words. His obvious insecurity. He is trying to make you look bad so he looks good. You ARE out of his league. You would never treat someone like he's treating you. I'll even bet you'd tell your best friend to run as fast as she could if she had the same problem. Can you tell yourself that? RUN, and don't look back. He should be your hero for the rest of your life, but that doesn't mean breaking you down so he can pick you up. RUN. Give the ring back, and Run. Don't second guess yourself.
He is the abuser, just as previous posters have said. It will not get better, you could try for years, and it will NEVER get better.
I am going to throw this out there. You can take it how you like. I don't want to put any ideas into your head (well I guess I will be with this...) but this sounds all too familiar to me.
I dated a guy like this, at first everything was great. Then after awhile he started nagging me and putting me down constantly. I was too skinny, my nose was too big, I need to get a tan, I am not ambitious enough, blah blah blah. He wouldn't take me out with his friends and he would be out late all the time.
He was cheating on me.... I guess by being a dick, he was hoping I would break it off first because he was not man enough...I don't know... I don't care to make any sense of it actually.
I say ditch him.... the right guy dosn't make you feel shitty about yourself...that is not normal.
Urgh....this makes me so mad and sad. Walk away please!!!
It will hurt, you will be sad, you will miss him, you will question yourself over and over again.
BUT, after some time has passed, you will hopefully realise that you made the BEST decision ever for yourself and for your future.
You are an AWESOME, AMAZING WOMAN!!! It is a MILLION times better to be single and happy, than to be married and miserable. You deserve SO much more and you can have so much more with a man who loves and respects you, no matter your size, your job, or anything else superficial.
Sending hugs and prayers to you!!!
Yeah, he sounds like a jerk and you can do better. Honestly, you sound like you're young (using the typical college timeline), you have plenty of time to find the right one. You don't have to settle for this guy. I think it will only get worst when you get married and it'll be harder to get out then.
On top of that, just because he is an aerospace engineering major doesn't mean he'll get a job quickly. My bff's husband has been an aerospace engineer for over 10 years with his masters and continuously runs to risk of underemployment even though he is great at what he does. He spent over 18 months unemployed in fact due to the economy.
@Paiger8: Two years is not such a long time that you need to put a whole lot more in trying to salvage this. Cut your losses now. The only thing worse than realizing the guy you've spent the last 2 years with is an asshole, is realizing the guy you've spent the last 5 (or 7, or 10) with is an asshole. Cut him loose and find someone worth your time.
I'm sorry you're going through this, OP, no one deserves to feel this way. I have to agree with so many PPs here that I don't think this is a healthy, loving relationship for you and I don't believe it's worth any more of your time or effort. It may have been good once upon a time, and it may be hard to let go.....but trust me, there is someone out there waiting for you that will love you unconditionally and spend every day of the rest of his life cherishing you. In fact, it's not even about another man because honestly you're better off alone than with this person. He will kill your esteem and your confidence and your self-trust if you stay and let him. Sometimes it's hard for women to end a relationship even though they know it's the right thing for them, and I say, "What would you tell your best friend or your daughter if she was in this situation?" That sometimes helps to make things clearer.
This man isn't "the one" if you believe in that. Don't be too sad, because he IS out there. Just be brave enough to ditch this jerk and go on with being your FABULOUS self!!!!
agree with every other bee...walk away from this one. HE's the one who is no good.
I wouldn't let a complete stranger treat me the way he has been treating you, let alone the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life.
He sounds like he's projecting his own impossible standards and insecurities on you. You deserve someone who will raise you up, not keep you down. Get out now.
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