I slept with SO's friend before we were together…causing problems now

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
4216 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I would personally be removing both of these people from my life and be moving on to a fresh start. Fuck that gulit trip bullshit. Life is too damn short. 

Post # 4
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If Jake was as love sick for you as it seems, then 6 months is not a long time to get over something like this. Poor guys, we girls go ape-shit over old photos, ex girlfriends, love letters etc and for the most part are sympathised with. But one guy can’t quite get over you sleeping with his friend and he’s not worth it? Come on.

You know what the solution to this problem is? Time. Time for you and Jake to do “firsts” together. Remember the Eric said “I took her there first” – you need to develop some solid firsts with Jake. I’m sure that you already have some – write him a letter reminding him of all of your firsts and send it to him. The more memories you create together, the easier it will be for him to overlook any hard feelings he has.

Remind Jake that you dumped Eric and that he was a very sore loser. I know that Eric is Jake’s “friend” but Eric is being awful to Jake, so make sure you paint Eric in a horrible light when you talk about him to Jake. Basically, you need to inflate Jake’s ego a bit.

And Eric is a d-bag who harassed you after you dumped him – he should NOT be invited to any wedding. 

Post # 5
Member
6964 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@WorriedandSad:  Jack needs to get over it, but Eric isn’t helping the situation. He isn’t much of a friend and I’m not sure why Jack is continuing to share any information with him regarding your relationship.

In your shoes, I’d do as @Tickles suggested and remind Jack you dumped Eric and have no interest in him. I would also ask him to refrain from discussing you or your relationship with Eric as it only seems to do harm. Given time and built memories, Jack will be the clear “winner” and most likely distance himself from Eric, making the whole “should we invite him” question moot. 

Post # 6
Member
2169 posts
Buzzing bee

@WorriedandSad:  I think Jack needs to put on his big boy pants and stand up to Eric.

He should tell Eric that telling stories about you is inappropriate, and that he will not listen to this nonsense anymore. Jack is a grown man and should be able not only to communicate this effectively to Eric, but also to distance himself from Eric if necessary. If Jack cannot do this, I think you may have bigger problems on your hands.

Then Jack should get over it. He should have enough confidence in the relationship that you should not have to remind him that you chose him over Eric very often (if at all). That sounds like it would be tedious for you, and you deserve to be with someone who has just as much faith as you do in the relationship.

Personally, both of these men seem immature to me. If either one of them was mature, this would not be as big of an issue.

Post # 7
Member
190 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Eric sounds like a dick. I think it’s Jack’s responsibility here to remove Eric from his life. A ‘friend’ wouldn’t do or say that sort of thing. 

Post # 8
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@WorriedandSad:  I had a similar situation to this and my “jack” felt like he got what “eric” couldn’t. Also my “eric” wasn’t as gross as yours. Jack needs to tell him to shut up and stop disrespecting you that way. I would cut Eric out of your lives, I bet that’ll fix it. Make Jack feel secure. I always told my “jack” that he was so much funnier and sweeter than my “Eric” and that seemed to do the trick. Don’t stress too much, obviously your bf loves you very much.

Post # 9
Member
9226 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2018

You and Jack need to cut Eric from your lives completely. He is a terrible friend, and a d-bag by the sounds of it.

Post # 10
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Eric sounds like a dick.

Jack can’t help feeling the way he does, and he isn’t trying to make you feel bad and even knows he has no right to guilt you about your past. That doesn’t mean it isn’t weird for him though.

Plus 1 to Tickles!

Post # 11
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Eric sounds like a dick.

Jack can’t help feeling the way he does, and he isn’t trying to make you feel bad and even knows he has no right to guilt you about your past. That doesn’t mean it isn’t weird for him though.

Plus 1 to Tickles!

Post # 12
Member
1244 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

@Jacqui90:  This! 

@WorriedandSad:  Why is Jack even still talking to or hanging around Eric? And of course you wouldn’t invite him to the wedding! That seems obvious to me.

Post # 13
Member
2684 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 1996

@MissMarple:  +1

If Jack is unable to help how he feels about your incredibly brief fling with Eric, JACK needs to get himself to a therapist to talk about why this is a such a hot button for him, because it seems to me like it could be the tip of an iceberg he’s just not dealing with. If Eric is being an ass to Jack by bringing up his sexual exploits with you, JACK needs to tell him to knock it off or he’ll be cutting him out of his life. If Jack doesn’t man up and start taking some steps toward maturity, JACK is the one who is letting a small, rather insignificant blip on the radar destroy his relationship with you.

None of this is your fault. It’s not yours to fix. It must suck to be in this position, where you can see the potential for ruin and not be able to do much to help.

Post # 14
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Jijitattoo:  +1 Jack needs to get a back bone. What kind of friend is that?

Post # 16
Member
11772 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

Did he not have a problem with it 6 months ago or something?

I’d be like “Look, I was in a HORRIBLE, abusive relationship. I got out of it, and I neeed a relationship that wasn’t serious for a little. We had sex, but it meant nothing to me, because I was still in the healing process from living in fear of my ex. I needed the adjustment time to get myself psychologically ready for a great relationship with someone like you!”

It’s the same speech I gave DH when he found out I had anal sex on the first date with the guy I was sleeping with before him.

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