I snooped and now I need advice…

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9137 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@pinksunshine:  If it’s from February and there aren’t any other communications, I don’t think there is anything to worry about.

Post # 4
Member
8706 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

You’re overreacting.

I still spend time with my ex. We still do stuff together, with other friends and alone.

Despite popular belief, exes can remain platonic friends.

If you trust him, why was it a slap in the face?

Post # 5
Member
842 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@pinksunshine:  if it’s going to eat at you, I would just be honest about what you did and ask your FI about it. Something similar happened to me a few months ago, I found one less than appropriate conversation between FI and a female friend from over a year and a half ago when we were newly dating. It hurt to see it, but it was a one time occurrence and FI felt stupid about it. Nothing ever happened between them and we are getting married in three weeks and happier than ever. 

 

Just remember, he asked you to marry him. You are the one he’s chosen. If it was one convo, I wouldn’t worry too much about what’s in the past. 

Post # 6
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

If your like me it’s going to eat at you until you talk to him…maybe just casually say that he left his Facebook open and you noticed he had a message from his ex and go from there. Try not to be accusing but let him know that it hurt your feelings. I do agree with the above post though, if that was the only communication it’s probably it. Did they separate on bad terms? It’s probable just a friendly comment and I dont think your a fill-in. Your obviously better, he asked you to marry him, not her. Hope you feel better.

Post # 7
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

It was ages ago and it seems like they haven’t spoken since if you haven’t found more recent messages.

In saying that, I would be hurt too. I would want to check his texts. If he refuses, major red flags. If there is nothing, I would drop it. The message was a while ago and you seem to be happy with him otherwise.

Post # 9
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

You’ll get a lot of mixed reactions on snooping. Generally, if you truly have no cause for concern, I think it’s ill-founded – but if you have legitimate concerns (I suspect maybe you did, though you say you had no reason to distrust him in your opening post), I do think the ends sometimes justify the means.

That said – you have a juicy piece of information. It may well be 6 months old, but you now have a nugget to think about. Had he ever talked with you about keeping contact with her? Did you know they were still in touch? This is something partners need to talk about frankly – if you were not told, then it was kept from you. That’s not something a partner ‘forgets’ to tell his soon-to-be fiance.

The message you found is not a dead red flag, but it’s certainly a puzzler. Frankly, I don’t think that’s an appropriate message to send to an ex-girlfriend when you’re seeing someone else. It’s a leading statement – a, “Hey, do you feel the same way about me?…How else do you feel about me?” It’s imploring.

Now, though, you’re in a rocky position. If you mention this, you’re admitting that you snooped. You may also run the risk that, after 6 months, he’s not fully aware of what he said to her anymore.

I would sit down and ask that you both be clear and upfront with one another now that you’re planning to get more serious – and outline your expectations of one another (whether it’s appropriate to see/talk to exes, etc.). See if he comes clean, if he acts nervous, etc.

My honest feeling is that you have something a little troublesome on your radar. Something that’s end-worthy? I can’t tell you that, and I’m inclined to say no. But a discussion could go a long way in settling that gut feeling of yours.

Post # 10
Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 1998

@pinksunshine:  You beat me. You have a problem on your hands. Scrap a lot of what I previously said. He initiated the contact and wanted her number again. Clearly, this is someone who’s on his mind – and I would say someone he’d been talking to since his phone ‘dumped’ his contacts – for him to send her an unprompted “what’s your number?” message.

But again, time for a frank talk. Though what happened was a breach of trust, it doesn’t sound like your actions were entirely unwarranted. He can be angry with you all he wants – but what would his line of defense be if you were to say, “By the way, I was suspicious and checked (X) and found (Y).” He can’t stand justified about a breach of trust when he’s flirted with trouble behind your back – arguably for a while.

 

Post # 11
Member
137 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@pinksunshine:  Yes, you’re overreacting. He can miss hanging out with someone, but not want to be WITH them! I wouldn’t tell him about it, or ask to see his text messages. I guess this just really wouldn’t phase me.

Post # 12
Member
7400 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@pinksunshine:  Honestly if I was your FI I would have a serious problem with you snooping.  I would lose all trust in you. Snooping is never ok. If you feel like something is up or fishy in your relationship then you ask/talk to your partner. If you aren’t satisfied with the answer that your partner gives then either they are a liar or you have trust issues. Either way the relationship is doomed.

Snooping just highlights that you have a trust issue. If you trust your partner then you never think “oh look he left his mail open I will just have a little look around. Oh wait an old message from a girl well I need to check that etc etc”.

Post # 14
Member
8282 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

I’m not certain how I’d feel either. I think about my past and I did have fun with other people. But I’d never say that, ya know. 

 

If it bothers you that much, mention it. However you’ll have to explain why you snooped. 

 

Post # 15
Member
4216 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Just talk to him about it. Yes you snooped. Own up to it. You should be able to be brutally honest with each other. I would have a problem with a message like that. 

Post # 16
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

j_jaye: +1

My SO and I share a computer, and we each leave our stuff open a lot.  I also have his phone code to unlock his phone (he has mine), and there’s plenty of times when I have his phone (he’s in the shower) etc. but I have not once ever checked his msgs or texts unless his phone beeps and he yells, who was that?  I have no reason to.

So if you checked in the first place, you already had a suspicion of something.  You didn’t just accidentally see it was his page open and hit the msg button and then read the msgs all the way back from February.  Focus on that before you talk to him, what did he do/say that made you feel insecure in your trust of him?  And know you potentially lost his trust now over something possibly innocent. 

I talk with my ex frequently, we are still friends and if I lost all my phone contacts it would only be days before I got around to asking for his number again.  And yes I still miss hanging out with him, we had great times together.  I miss hanging out with all my past relationships.  I dated them for a reason, because we had fun together.  My SO and I both wax nostaglic about times before we met, our wonderful times together now don’t remove all the past good times, they just are easier to remember 🙂

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