(Closed) I snooped DH's emails and found stuff….(LONG)

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8464 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

*HUGS* Sorry you’re going through this, I really don’t have any words of advice other than counseling.  I’m sure you’ll probably get flamed at some point for snooping, but if there’s something to be found I consider it investigating.  Hopefully he can be completely honest with you from here on.

Post # 4
Member
11273 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

this is all stuff before you were even together.  i wouldn’t get myself worked up over it.  is he doing this stuff while “with” you?  if not, let it go.  the past is the past and for that matter, it’s his past, not yours.

unless his behaviour is trickling into your married life, i’d forget about it.  you are producing negative energy for your relationship.

Post # 5
Member
9614 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

I would confront him about it. I understand how you feel about honesty, it is so important for relationships! Him lying to you like that is a bad sign.

Post # 6
Member
8884 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@mypinkshoes:  +1

This was all before you were together, it’s in the past. Maybe he hasn’t brought it up because he is ashamed of it and wants to forget about it. He is married to you now, he loves you. Has he ever given you any other reason to doubt that? If not, let it go.

Post # 7
Member
11753 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

That sucks but he did all of this before he even got with you. I’m not sure how it is relevant.  It sucks he was shady in his past, but the past is just that – the past. That doesn’t mean he is cheating or will cheat on you.

Post # 8
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This should not even be an issue, it was before you! People change, trust me… I am one of them. He may have been in a transitional phase and was scared if you knew the truth, you might leave him. I dont think you should be snooping anymore. This man loves you and this was all well before you guys were married. It is definitely not something you should be letting get to you like this in my opinion.

 

I understand you being hurt by him lying about it but really, what he did before you was not even really anything that concerns you. He may have wanted to keep it private and for good reason. My FI and I do not talk about past relationships or ask questions like that because you are never going to get the answer you want to hear and it does no good whatsoever. You should just drop it and try to be happy.

Post # 9
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@mypinkshoes:  I agree with this.

@texasbee:  

He could legitimately be really angry with you for snooping.  If he hasn’t cheated on you and you trust him not to, I don’t understand why you were snooping in the first place.

Has he given you any reason to doubt him now?  He had an unhealthy and negative relationship with his ex and cheated on her.  You’ve admitted you’ve cheated on an ex in the past, too.  That doesn’t mean you will cheat on your husband now any more than he will cheat on you now.  Doesn’t that make sense?

He has a right to his own past and his own privacy.  I would scrub all this info from your brain and drop it.  I wouldn’t mention it to him because it will only open a can of worms you may not want to open.

The only way I would mention it to him, if I were you, would be if you have a gut feeling he is cheating on you now.  Do you feel that way?

Post # 10
Member
8042 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@texasbee:  I read this all through, but I’m confused. Why are you bringing up the past? This really has no bearing on your relationship.

I don’t see why people must reveal all details from their past. The past is the past. If he contracted an STD while cheating on his ex, that might be wise for you to know, like if it’s something like herpes… but why are you bringing this all up now?

First of all you shouldn’t have snooped.. but now that you have, how is confronting him about this going to help anything? It just makes you look VERY insecure.

Has he done anything that would indicate he is cheating on you now? If he has, then maybe it’s ok to bring up the past, but in reality I think you’re going to be doing more harm than good.

I feel bad you are going through all this, but it seems like you brought a lot of this on yourself by snooping. It’s ancient history. You want him to start thinking about these women again? Unless I read your post completely wrong, then I am not sure why you’re making such a big deal about the past.

Post # 12
Member
493 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

You’re understandably shocked and troubled by what you found, but that’s usually what happens when you snoop.

I say leave the past in the past – what is the purpose of a “confrontation”?  The affair had nothing to do with you, and I honestly feel its not your business. If you have a reason not to trust him in your current relationship, then it might be worth discussing. But he obviously felt like it was something he didn’t want to share with you. My DH and I did not discuss our relationship histories too in depth, I always found the more I tried to probe the less I liked what I heard! As for the date when you first moved in, well, that was a little shady. But, again, what is the outcome you’re looking for? Do you want him to confess to you and feel ashamed? Are you worried there’s a pattern of behavior and he might cheat on you? If its only that you are angry he never disclosed the info, I say let it go. You snooped, you didn’t like what you found. I would be hurt and humiliated if my H went through my email account from before we met, not that I have something to hide but it displays a lack of trust and a breach of privacy. 

Post # 14
Member
9620 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@texasbee:   What exactly was the “one night thing” when the two of you were together?  I can understand why you’re scared but try to reason things out and talk yourself out of being too upset just yet.  You didn’t find any evidence that he’s cheated on you, right?

And, for the record, I have tons of old crap from exes that I just delete when/if I come across it.  The past means nothing to me now but I just haven’t gotten around to getting rid of everything yet.  DH did make me delete some old pics of my ex off my desktop, though, lol.  Oops.  😉  (God, that was embarrassing).

I’ve never found anything of my DH’s that had anything to do with any of his exes.  But I’ve never gone looking for anything either.  He gave me his passwords but I lost them, don’t have a clue what they are.  And I don’t care.  I trust my gut enough to know if he ever cheated on me I would know.  And I don’t care about the past. 

You trust your husband, right?  I can understand having a little hesitation because of what you found, but don’t cause a fight or problem in your marriage because of something like this.  And I’m not flaming you, but try to break the habit of snooping.  Snooping usually doesn’t lead to anything good.

Post # 15
Member
2966 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@texasbee:  FH was talking sweet/sexy talk to some random girl the NIGHT THAT WE HOOKED UP AND HE ASKED ME TO BE HIS GF. It still makes my blood boil but should I bring it up? No. He’s engaged to me and hasn’t spoken to her in 4 years. The thing is that sometimes, in the beginning of relationships people still want to have other options (I know it’s not completely right, but it’s not wrong either)…

NOW that he’s married with you, has he done anything wrong? Does he love you and treat you well and is honest with you about the present?

 

Post # 16
Member
1562 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Is this guy some kind of email hoarder?  Who keeps emails for 10 years?  

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