Post # 1
So the past month or two I have been noticing changes in my daughter. She used to be close to me and really clingy to me then all of a sudden she hates me. I swear if she could say “I hate you.” she would. I think my husband has something to do with it.
He always says things like “Mommy this is mine and (daughters name).” or “Mommy don’t touch this is (daughters name)’s.” Another one he likes to say is if I say no to our daughter he will say “Mommy me and (daughters name) want this.” then I have to say no again and look like the bad guy. If she is doing something wrong he won’t punish her I have to. Also when we have to drop our daughter off at the babysitters he will fake cry and it will make her sad to leave and I HAVE TO PULL HER AWAY FROM HIM again to make me look like the bad guy.
I’m just frustrated. I love my daughter with all my heart. I feed her, clothe her, play with her and all I get in return is screaming and throwing things at me. The other day she told me to go away and leave. Ladies I almost did…forever. I don’t want to think like that but sometimes I want to walk away from it all because in the long run I think that will hurt less then staying there and getting told to go away. I always do things with her. I take her to the pool. I get her ice cream. I constantly tell her how much I love her and miss her when I’m at work.
She’s got to the point when I pick her up from the babysitters she will scream bloody murder infront of everyone. LIke I beat her or something. I HAVE NEVER LAID A HAND ON HER. NOR WILL I EVER. It’s cutting me to the core. I cried last night because she didn’t want me in the room.
Ladies what do I do?
Post # 3
@anon007: tell your husband to man up and start acting like a fucking dad first of all. I’m sorry but it pisses me off to no end when a parent blatantly doesn’t have the other parent’s back. Don’t have him go with you to drop her off or only have him do it. And you can pick her up and start being the “good” guy.
Post # 4
It makes me wonder if he is telling your daughter things to turn her against you, he sounds immature. I would say the issue you have is with him , not your little girl. Seems he wants to be her number 1? maybe he is even jealous of any bond you have with her..
Post # 5
I think your husband is trying to be silly and bond with your daughter, but at this young age she can’t understand “Being silly and bonding” to “I am your parent and what I am saying is the truth 100% of the time” (Or at least how children see it.)
You need to talk to your husband. You need tgo be a team to raise your little girl, and if he’s not on your team, you’re going to give her conflicting information and she’s just going to get confused and frustrated.
Don’t be upset with her, be upset with your husband. She’s 3. She doesn’t know any better.
Post # 6
@smallstuff: 100% plus 1.
A 3 year old is too young to decide she hates her mommy, she’s extremely impressionable at this age and will believe what she’s told. Your husband is acting very immature and needs to man up and realize that parenting together is a team effort. If he wants to feel better about his relationship with her, he should choose some activities they can do together to have daddy daughter time. He absolutely should not be speaking about you as the bad guy or not backing you up with discipline and other things related to her.
Post # 7
It’s definitely not fair that your husband is turning parenting into a game of ‘Good Cop, Bad Cop’, essentially.
You need to tell him how you are feeling, and that you feel a large part of her behaviour with you has to do with the way he acts with her.
Post # 8
@smallstuff: I think sometimes he might be jealous.
@Hyperventilate: I agree that he is trying to be silly. I don’t think he does it on purpose but it still hurts.
Post # 9
@Baroness_Meg: I feel as if he will get upset because he thinks I’m overreacting.
@MsJ2theZ: Sure feels like she hates me):
Post # 10
The most successful parenting I’ve witnessed are when both parents are on the same team, regardless of how old the kids are. We have friends who kids are very kind and loving, but also very well-behaved and well-adjusted. They have each other’s backs and even when the child tries to play one against the other, it’s always, “What did your mom/dad say? Okay, that’s it.”
As PP have said, your man needs to man up. It should never ever be the two of them against you, regardless of whether she is 3 or 13. It’s one thing if it’s like a board game with teams and there is a clearly defined beginning and end and it’s essentially a fantasy world, but there is no reason to do this constantly in real life. His actions now have serious consequences and it could blow up into a huge problem (and possibly a safety issue) if your child refuses to listen to you in public and screams.
If your husband does not listen to your reasoning (and soon), I would suggest trying couple’s counseling or family counseling.
Post # 11
You have a husband problem. He is not being respectful OR being a good parent. Not even kind of.
It’s cute once in a hundred days or so to play ‘good parent’ but it is NOT OK the way he’s doing it, and you need to let him know just how hard it is making your life.
Post # 12
I just read your other post, and it sounds to me like perhaps your husband is trying to use your daughter’s love to help him cope with all the other ways he is failing as a spouse and father. Like if he can just win her over and be the favorite parent and make you the bad guy, he can tell himself he’s an awesome dad because his daughter adores him and not you, so at least he’s good at something and you aren’t. Honestly, he probably feels like he doesn’t deserve you and can’t live up to your expectations, so bringing you down is the only way to level things out a bit.
You need high quality counseling, fast. Most likely individual counseling for your husband and couples/family counseling for the two of you. Parenting classes would also be good–you need a third party who will fight for you and make him see the bigger picture: that in the long run he is hurting his daughter, your marriage, and your future as a family with this behavior.
Enlist family members or friends for emotional support. You haven’t done anything wrong, and your daughter doesn’t hate you. Lots of little girls pull away from their moms and start favoring their dads at around age 2 or 3 anyway, and she is clearly being manipulated by your husband.
Post # 13
@anon007: Your husband needs parenting classes. I’m not being snarky or anything. What he’s doing is detrimental to 1) your daughter, 2) your relationship with your daughter, and 3) your relationship with him. It is not normal and not healthy for any one of you. I recommend researching some options in your area and signing up as a couple.
Post # 14
imo, whether he is doing this on purpose or not, you need to be pro-active and tell him how you feel. Be as tactful as you think is necessary, but he is not doing your daughter any favours, by pandering to her, plus he is harming your relationship with her. Unless you are imagining all of this? then you most certainly aren’t over reacting.
Post # 15
@anon007: I’m sure it does 🙂 But I promise she doesn’t, she’s repeating behavior that she’s learning from someone else!
Post # 16
@anon007: Ok, first of all, your daughter does. not. hate. you. In some ways this is typical terrible two’s-to-three’s behavior.
However, you need to get a handle on this right away. No way should the inmates ever get in charge of the asylum, if you know what I mean.
You need to first of all get your husband to STOP what he’s doing to sabotage your relationship with your daughter. That’s so wrong on so many levels. What is wrong with him, for God’s sake?!
Ok, stress to him how important it is to your daughter’s emotional and psychological development and health that the two of you remain a team, as well as to your marriage! You and Him are the TEAM. Kid is a kid and must remain safely in the kid position. He is damaging her by treating her like this.
If you can’t get this through to him seek counseling immediately.
Please don’t abandon your daughter. I know it hurts to have your child start to rebel, believe me. But it is normal on her part. You have to be in control here. You have to remain calm and firmly use the word, NO, as many times as it takes. You cannot, under any circumstances, allow your child to be in control.
Do not ever allow her to hit you. Punish her for that – immediately – she needs to go in time out and stay there for a couple of minutes, each and every time she does that. You need to be calm when you put her there.
Do not allow your child to disrespect you. Be the mother. Most of all I’m concerned that your husband is treating you this way. That’s awful.
Hang in there! And please consider getting some professional help for yourself soon if this doesn’t get better.