I think DH has a drinking problem

posted 2 years ago in Married Life
Post # 2
Member
1753 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Wow.. he does need to accept that he has a problem 🙁

I’m the one that drinks more in our relationship, and shortly after my DH and I moved in together I had a party and drank about a bottle and a half of wine. I was so so ill the next day and so very ashamed of myself. My DH made it very clear to me that he was disgusted, and I vowed (to myself) to never do that again. Since then, if I go out, I have 1-2 drinks and that’s it. It is perfectly possible to limit yourself to 1-2 drinks and sometimes not have a drink at all, and still have a great time. It’s just about will power and about caring for your own mental and physical well-being and the well-being of your partner.

Stand your ground.. he needs some shock treatmennt (silent treatment) from you to realize that he’s in the wrong. Cursing a pregnant woman is absolutely not OK, and coming home at 2am drunk is not the behaviour of a responsible adult and soon-to-be father.

I hope he gets his act together! Be strong!

Post # 3
Member
3361 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

anonbee3:  Time for him to grow up. This behavior may be acceptable for college kids, but not a full grown man about to be a father. I can understand that part of his job is these happy hours, but staying after until 2 am is not necessary, especially if it is happening once a week. The drunk threats would concern me. He sounds like my ex who would get drunk and start saying things about a “dark place” and such. I would talk to him and tell him that this behavior is unacceptable, especially once the baby comes. He needs to want to change though, you can’t make him. 

Post # 4
Member
2364 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

anonbee3:  Your husband has a drinking problem. 

If his pregnant wife and his career are not his top priorities which clearly they are not, he has a drinking problem.  

Should I just accept this, you asked?  ABSOLUTELY NOT.  If someone else wrote this, what would you tell them? 

This is coming from someone who dated a “fuctioning” alcoholic for years and I have no one to blame but myself for that.  I’m not saying leave, but he absolutely needs help.  This is not normal or healthy behavior for a grown man with responsibilities not is it an isolated incident.

He needs a wake up call.  Can you stay with your family the whole weekend?  How would he react to that?    

Post # 5
Member
6854 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Staying out until 2 am and getting shit faced drunk on a work night is not normal IMO. Is he willing to go to counseling?

I disagree with the pp who said to give him the silent treatment. Sorry but that solves nothing. Try to talk things out when you’re both level headed and have had some time to cool off.

Post # 6
Member
4845 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Consider going to an al anon meeting asap.  Al anon is for people involved with alcoholics.  This doesn’t sound like something he can manage on his own.

FWIW, the alcohol isn’t what made him curse at & threaten you.  Alcohol just takes the brakes off.

Your husband needs treatment, but that can’t happen until he’s ready.

Does he drive himself home from these outings?

 

 

Post # 7
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

How old is he? I agree with PP that this sounds like typical behaviour from a college student not a grown adult who is married and has a child on the way. If you’re on the younger side, then maybe he hasn’t quite grown out of this phase.

You absolutely do not have to “just accept this”. I wouldn’t try to reason with him when he’s drunk anymore. You need to sit down and talk to him when he’s sober so he can really understand how you’re feeling. He needs to grow up and take responsibility. 

It doesn’t sound like he has an addiction or anything to me, just that he likes his alcohol… but he isn’t taking anyone else into consideration. I’m in Canada where the drinking age is 19 and I find that most of my friends got out of the “let’s drink until we’re wasted” phase a couple years ago (around age 24). 

Regardless of his age though, he is going to be a father. He needs to grow up. There’s nothing wrong with having a drink at social events, but there is something wrong with getting wasted.

Post # 8
Hostess
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

anonbee3:  I’m curious…how old is he? 

I do know other people who’ve had a hard time finding the balance when they’re starting out.  Going out to happy hour is part of the culture in some businesses and turning down the invite isn’t good for business and it can cost you contacts.  The trick is finding the balance between being out and social and drinking too much.  DH used to go out for a drink after work with colleagues and would have 4 or 5 beer and that’s too much for him on a weekday.  He’s since realized that there’s nothing wrong with nursing a beer for an hour or deciding to skip a round.

I will often go to the bar and order myself a soda and lime – people may assume it’s a drink, but it’s not (Vodka soda is usually my drink of choice when I go to similar functions for this reason).

Post # 9
Hostess
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

MrsCallalily:  ditto – 24 seemed to be when most of my friends realized that going out and getting shitfaced was not the same as going for a drink after work with colleagues. 

Post # 10
Member
5696 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I don’t know for sure if he has an actual drinking problem. It sounds more like he has a peer pressure problem. 

Firstly, who is driving on these little social outings? If he’s driving home drunk, then that sh** needs to stop. Like, yesterday. If you’re going to draw a line in the sand over everything, this is it. If he gets arrested, it will be thousands of dollars in fines and lawyer fees, plus he will probably lose his license (or only be allowed to drive directly to and from work) for a year. This could have a HUGE impact on you and on your family. And let’s not even think of what would happen if he gets into an accident or hits a pedestrian. So that needs to be addressed immediately.

The “can’t have just one or two and go home like a big boy” is all peer pressure and he’s just going to need to learn how to say No, or he’s going to need to quit bitching about being hung over. If he can manage to get himself home without driving and can’t manage to quit while he’s more or less sober, then just remind him when he’s bitching about his hangover that it is a self-inflicted wound.

Not really sure how I feel about the name-calling and insults because alcohol does tend to remove one’s filter— I would see if this becomes a pattern. If it’s a one time thing and he’s genuinely sorry then you might be best off letting it slide, but I would seriously wait like a year before deciding on that. Don’t hang it over his head– that will just make things worse– but just don’t decide how you feel about it yet.

Post # 12
Hostess
9831 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

anonbee3:  yup.  30 is really too old for that nonsense.  Not that it’s ever acceptable but it takes a while to grow up sometimes.

It’s not fair to you, and realistically, it’s not good for his career.  There is nothing wrong with going for a drink after work.  Staying out until 2am is no good.  Having a drink is fine, 6/8/10 not so much.  A calm, sober conversation is in order. 

Post # 13
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee

Okay, if he’s 30, then it’s really time for him to grow up (regardless of the fact he’s going to be a father). It doesn’t sound to me like it’s an addiction, so that’s a good thing. It just sounds like he doesn’t know how to control himself once he starts – OR he doesn’t see the need to control himself. He doesn’t see things the way you do, so having a heart to heart with him should help. If he really cares about you, he will try to see things from your perspective.

Try not to come across as attacking him, or he may just get defensive. Talk about your feelings and how this affects you rather than pointing fingers at him.

I think it’s fine if you want to spend the weekend away to give him a wake up call, but I think it’s important that you express to him why you are feeling this way so he understands why you’re upset.

Post # 15
Member
425 posts
Helper bee

http://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/alcoholism/basics/definition/con-20020866

Your husband indeed does have an alcohol problem. The pattern of drinking to excess without apparently being able to limit himself, personality changes after drinking too much, interference with relationships and work–all point to a problem with alcohol, not simply immaturity. While it may not be alcoholism yet, it will only get worse from here unless he breaks the cycle now. See a counselor, go to AA meetings, see a doctor…anything. 

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