I think he called me a threat to my marriage?

posted 3 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
Member
8418 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@harleyq:  Wait, I’m confused, your boss’s dad lectured you?  Why did he think that was appropriate for a dinner party?  I mean I had real “lecturey” asian parents, but they only lectured family, not random house guests.

Post # 5
Member
9219 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@harleyq:  If you feel he said anything that was helpful to you, then keep those things as valid and useful for yourself.  Remember that people give unsolicited advice from their own frame of reference.  His intentions were good but obviously he doesn’t really know you.  He was speculating and trying to be helpful, so take the helpful words to heart and forget about the rest – it really was more about him and his experience than about you personally.

Post # 6
Member
2838 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@Sunfire:  +1

I have a friend who is like a surrogate grandpa – he’s in his late seventies and has a lot of (IMHO) outdated opinions on how men and women should act in relationships. When he gives me relationship advice, I take it with a grain of salt and try not to get offended when he says things like “you’d better not let yourself go, men don’t like seeing women without makeup” or “don’t ever let him cook or clean for you, you must make him feel like the man all of the time!”  He means well, and gives his advice based on the time and place he grew up in and I try to put it into that context. But I totally understand how it can be hurtful and crappy. 🙁

Post # 8
Hostess
3787 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Honestly, he sounds like a misogynistic d*ckhole. He probably found it unsettling that you and DH don’t fit in nicely to his own (contemporary to him – dated to us, and probably culturally and economically influenced) notions of husband/wife dynamics. Well, too bad. Honey, seriously, you should give zero f*cks what someone like that has to say. It’s beyond inappropriate to lecture someone like that at a dinner party. I would have cut him off directly, and I find it really distasteful that his daughter didn’t cut him off. I love my dad dearly too, but I would never let him do that to one of my friends.

ETA: I don’t believe people who give things away because it ‘entitles’ them to anything are generous people at all.

 

Post # 9
Member
3635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

So, um, what kind of Asian is he?  Do a little Google research on the role of women in his culture and it will open your eyes.  I work with Koreans and have married a Taiwanese man.  The Korean woman is there to take care of her husband – to have children, take care of them, have dinner on the table when her husband gets home from work, and do nothing but appreciate all the hard work he does.  She should sense if he’s had a bad day (which is always, because he works so hard to support his family) and not bring up any of her issues at dinner or after, just let him relax alone, or give him a BJ after she’s shooed the kids away to bed.

The Chinese woman can have a little more personality of her own, even a job, but the man is still in charge.  They are actually much more matriachial – the older woman runs the household, and is supported by her children or brothers if she doesn’t work.

Things are changing in the Asian world – we even have female engineers (Korean ones), but they are so few and far between.  But my ex-pat bosses, especially the older ones, still view me as a bit of an oddity.  I get asked way more often when I’m going to have kids than what my career goals are. 

ETA – I’m not saying it’s ok, but it might explain his views.  You can nicely explain that your family dynamic is different than he knows, you have a mutual respect for each other and it works for you, thankyouverymuch.

Post # 10
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

He sounds like a raging sexist, but @Sunfire has the right idea.  If things resonated with you, consider them, if they didn’t it’s the unrelated musings of an ouside idiot who has no business commenting on your life.  

And just for good measure I am going to reiterate how inappropriately sexist all his comments were.

Post # 11
Member
1563 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@harleyq:  Like other PPs have mentioned, I think his “advice” is very much based on his culturally constructed view of marriage and the husband/wife role within that marriage. Not only are his views not necessarily appropriate for our culture but are most likely influenced by his standing as a member of the older generation as well. I would not take his advice to heart. He is approaching marriage from a very different viewpoint than you and he is not aware of the cultural/generational differences in marriage these days (I’m assuming you are in the US). I would just keep on keeping on and not let this bother you in any way.

Post # 12
Member
7279 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

His perspective is just that HIS as @AstoriaK:  stated his “advice” is very much based on his culturally constructed view of marriage and the husband/wife role within that marriage” I’m not sure why you ended up in tears over what a stranger said about your relationship, unless something hits close to home. As Sunfire said, if does’t apply, throw it out. Doesn’t sound to me like he had bad intensions. 

Post # 14
Member
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@harleyq:  Ithink in this case you should just take it for what its worth.. it sounds like he was trying to give you advice that applied to his culture and time.. he was coming from a “good place” and didnt seem like he was trying to offend you on purpose. 

Everyone who says hes sexist is not taking into cosideration where he probably came from and how he was brought up. He doesnt have tools to think any differently about it. and he is too old to be told to change. 

Dismiss it and know that he was coming from a helpful place. The advice just doesnt apply to you life.. Its like if you were a vegetarian and someone was giving you a recipie for chicken. You could get really upset that they feel like its ok to tell you a way to eat chicken or you could nod politely and forget about it becuase you dont eat chicken and it doesnt matter how to cook it.. 

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