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Hi,
I'm really not sure how to say this, so I am going to just come out and say it. I think my FI is going to call off our wedding, which is just a few weeks away.
I've been suffering some situational depression over the last year and tried meds but they didn't work (I'm VERY sensetive to meds so I had lots of side effects). I talked to a counselor who was helpful but I just don't have the money or insurance to go right now.
Anyhow, over the last few months I have withdrawn from sex. I just don't like it much. I have never had an orgasim. It takes too much energy to have sex and I just don't have any energy. I have asked him over and over to not make "four play" just groping me or thrusting himself behind me when ever he gets the chance but he hasn't. I'm not blaming him but I need more help getting in the mood.
We talked about getting a few toys but that has never pulled through since he is the one that has to buy them because I am too shy. And to be honest, I don't know where to begin with this anyhow.
So last night, when he made an effort again, I said no, again. And as usual, I feel horrible and try to explain how it could just be my birth control, stress from wedding, stress from not working, stress from money, my being very overweight (70+ pounds) and my depresssion. Then he said "I don't know how much more I can take of this."
I asked what that meant and he said "Sex once a month isn't enough. I don't know how much longer I can go on like this." I listed my reasons again to why I have no drive and he said "what if it isn't and you just don't like sex and you never will?"
Numb.
So I asked if we should call off the wedding and he said we might need to think about it.
I love him so much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him but I don't think sex is important to me but it is to him. And it should be important to him. Sex is important in a relationship.
Basically, I don't know who to turn to and I don't know what to do. I am going to call my doctor and ask for new birth control but what if that doesn't do it?
I'm I alone in this low sex drive issue? Does sex therapy really work?
first, i am so sorry that you are dealing with this issue, especially so close to the wedding
next, i really have no experience with various therapies, but i do think that talking to your doctor is a great first step - he/she may be able to refer you to someone more specialized that will be able to help you make any changes that would help
finally, i would try to have a face-to-face, no blame discussion with your FI. explain what you need out of the relationship, and what you think could make the situation better - just be careful that neither of you blames the other - it is not one of your fault, and it should not be an ultimate deal breaker - there are definitely things that you as a couple can do to work through this
You are not alone! And you are NOT to blame. Tell him how you feel and that you need couples counseling, not just "you" counseling.
You may find out you are just not sexually compatible due to his high drive and your low one, but seriously...a lot of people only do it once a month (or less!). So maybe he is having some insecurity issues...but I REALLY recommend some couples counseling for you guys.
As for what to do about the wedding...saving the marriage has to come first.
Hi,
I'm sorry you are struggling with this. It could be your birth control. Why dont you try going off it and just use condoms and see how that changes things. If that doesnt work I would suggest going to couples therapy.
i hope this helps. Hugs to you!
I would definitely go off your BC and see if that is depressing your sex drive.
It can be your birth control, but it sounds a bit more complicated than that given that you are also depressed and have gained weight. My suggestion would be relationship counseling--there is something that is missing here and you guys need to talk it out with someone who is an expert at relationships. Just my humble opinion.
Thank you!
We have had many talks about this (it's been a long year) but the follow through seems to be where we fall flat. I can change my meds today but what should I do next? I don't know where to begin to find a sex/couple therapist. Think I should call my previous counselor and see if she has suggestions?
I know I can't change things overnight but I think if we can make an obvious effort now, we will feel better as a couple moving forward.
I second the birth control thing...i have a low sex drive (2 times a month makes me happy...unless he's really romantic). On BC pill, I never wanted it at all. My doctor told me to try condoms instead, too. It took a couple months to make much of a difference though. He needed to bring this up sooner, but life if messy like that.
Good luck. If he loves you and wants to be with you, he will get over it. Remember that! If he can't get passed it, you are better off with someone who loves you the way you are rather than being someone you are not.
This will blow over and get better!
hello! i am SO sorry you are going through this. :(
you are NOT to blame - and the first thing I would do IS change your birth control. and don't let your doc talk you out of it - YOU are the patient and it's YOUR decision for what medications you should be on. google whichever one you're on and you may find low drive to be one of the side effects - this happens to a LOT of women.
Also - if you believe it will help, then I absolutely agree with trying therapy. When it comes to emotions, we as humans usually can't deal with a lot of things on our own and that is what other people are there for. There is absolutely no shame whatsoever in seeking out help for something which you feel that you can't handle yourself - and in fact I believe that only makes you stronger!
And I'm only going to say this - not to be mean at all - but the truth is that intimacy is a very important part of a marriage - and I'm sure you know that. Which is why - not only for your husband's sake - but especially for yours - the counseling is honestly what you more than likely need.
All those other things you mentioned aren't going to help until you get down to the root of what is really going on. I believe that in any kind of situation - if you don't know what the "root" issue is then you can't truly "fix" anything.
I just want to send you (((((((((((HUGS))))))))))) and hope that everything works out for you!
But seriously - don't just say you will - but do it today, start researching counselors, be it through a church or your workplace or wherever. You will not regret it. (i'm speaking from experience of having seen a counselor during college...)
I think sex is really one of those "soft" issues that can be worked on if you're both willing to. But if he's willing to walk away over this, I would definitely think about that fact. A sex drive can be helped by exercise, weight loss, better eating habits, getting off birth control, counseling, sex therapy, etc. However, I would hope your fiance would want to try all of the possible solutions before considering breaking off your relationship.
I am with Ribbons on this. My fiance is 31 and is having a hard time how do we say this "Pitching a tent?" He will try to please me in other ways if he cant come through but if he isnt in the mood or is insecure about sex etc I would never leave him for it. I helped him instead. He is now on meds.. a form of viagra and he has himself back and we go at it all the time lol. It was rocky for a bit and I admit I cried etc but we stuck together and worked on ways to fix it. Toys, meds etc. Now he feels like the man he should and we are happy. Def try a diiferent BC. Mine affected me 100% at one point. Even made me sick... But after all this rambling I am doing the point I am trying to make is there are things you can do and you have to actually do them. If he is willing to leave just because of "sex" well then there is another issue at hand.
He and I are G-chatting now and he made me feel better. He said with all of my stress plus the pressure he is putting on me for sex, is only making it worse (which is true). He said he will "cool off and we will let it come naturally." And he wouldn't call off the wedding, he just played that mean card since he is frusterated.
I know his comments came at a high-emotional time last night but I think the conversation is a motivator to get things figured out. I have really made zero effort to get over this hump after the meds didn't work. And a year of sadness is not good. I kept saying "it will get better after the wedding" but it might not always be that easy.
I agree with Ribbons but I think we should keep in mind that we probably don't know the whole story. @sadness-- you say you have talked before about this (a lot) but there is never any follow through. What does that mean? What have you agreed to and who has fallen through on the deal? If you're dealing with depression, could it be that you're agreeing to do things like seek counseling or switch meds, and then not doing it? Could it be that you're withdrawing from him in other ways?
I don't mean to be mean at ALL and I totally recognize that if you're dealing with depression then a lot of your actions are probably beyond your control, I just wanted to say that your FI has maybe been dealing with some issues on levels a little more serious than only having sex once/month. I agree if thats the only problem he should work on it before walking away, but if he has lost confidence that you WANT to work on it... well that is kind of a different issue.
I guess the gist of what I'm saying is... I really doubt if there is a "bad guy" in this situation. It seems like you've probably both made some mistakes. Counseling really seems like a great idea to get you both on track and remind you of why he proposed (and you said yes) in the first place.
It could just be him. What you're describing would be no fun to the majority of women... no one wants to keep doing something that isn't fun... viola low drive. If the goal is more drive I would not try to force yourself to do unpleasant difficult things I'd work really hard on figuring out what is pleasant.
I think we just need to work on it. I can honestly say we haven't. I literally haven't made any effort beyond talking. I will ask my doctor about BC and if there are any female versions of viagra (I think I heard there was a cream). And we could both stand to get in shape so maybe I will look into that too.
Thank you all for your support. It's very hard to discuss.
They have a girl viagra I hear! I want to try it! There are times I am just not in the mood and wish I had a little boost. It's natural girl and you guys should work on maybe going to the gym, go on walks together... my FI and I hit the gym together and he actually loves it. He likes we are doing something together and we push eachother. Get some toys, tell him things you think you may like him to do in bed. Sometimes guys need instructions on the little things. There are many things you guys can do to make it work and dont let something like this ruin the relationship. In marriage you will have to work as a team. I think you guys will be fine :)
Ok, I have to say, this must be incredibly hard for him. He sees you go through depression without being able to do much to help, must feel pretty helpless. And, you not wanting sex is not just about the sex. He probably feels like you're rejecting HIM which is hard.
Marriage is through sickness and through health.. There are definitely ways to work on this together.
On your part, seek counselling for yourself. I agree with JuneBride - you need to get to the root of your problem (depression) and sort out your emotions.
Not only birth control can affect your sex drive, but also the depression itself and the meds you're on also. You have to find ways to eventually get off the meds.
Eating better, getting exercice everyday will help with your weight issues AND your sex drive - being active also helps with the depression - again, your meds may not be helping with weight.
Definitely try to get counselling together. Through communication and other activities, you can make him see that you do love him and want to be with him. You can find ways to be intimate together that will suit both your needs.
These changes will not happen overnight though... If it really could be a dealbreaker over time, maybe it's not such a bad idea to at least postpone until you figure things out together. Could take some stress out of the way.
Anyway; HUGS! I hope you find ways to work through this.
sorry to hear this, but we have also had this fight. i explain to him time and time again that you have to be nice and romance me for 2 days before i can even think about getting in the mood. and then him getting mad about not getting laid?? come on, that will garantee that i won't be in the mood for at least a week. really, your not the only one, and he thinks you don't wanna have sex, and you think all he wants is sex.. blah blah blah. don't know that i have any advice for you though, just wanted to let you know that your not the only one... we are less than five weeks from our wedding, and he has finally shut up!
First of all, I think it's easier for men to randomly say "maybe we should call off the wedding" and not really mean it, than for women to. There's a really good chance he said that without thinking twice about how literally you would take it. I could totally see my FI being guilty of something like that.
Next, your FI needs to contemplate what "in sickeness and in health" means. It's normal to get cold feet now, but he needs to come to terms with your low sex drive and lack of energy due to depression by the time he makes those vows. He needs to understand that he's marrying YOU, not your vagina. You should understand too that men tend to feel and express love through sex and physical touch, whereas women feel love through emotional attachment (hence why women want to talk about things while men just want to get in bed). To him, if you're rejecting his sexual advances, it probably feels to him like you're rejecting his love and affection.
Lastly, I think it would be very beneficial for both of you if he could learn what kinds of things actually turn you on. Random groping and thrusts from behind turn me OFF, personally. Backrubs and kisses on the neck are much much better. Try sitting down with him and telling him EXACTLY what to do for 15 minutes, whatever makes you feel good. Make sure he understands that women can't "get it up" instantly like men can, so he needs to spend several minutes getting you in the mood before he can commence the groping and thrusting. He'll probably piss and moan about having to give you a backrub as foreplay, but after a sexual encounter that you both enjoyed at the same time, he'll come to see why it's important.
I really hope this helps. *hugs*
It can be difficult to b e in the mood with the stress of an upcoming wedding and when you aren't feeling good about yourself. He should be helping you to feel sexy and desirable- romantic dinner, wine dancing, gently foreplay, etc. I know that you are shy and it will be difficult, but you can communicate to him what you want, explore what turns you on.
And if you do not do so, pleasure yourself. If you are too shy to but aides d'amour, you can order them online and have them delivered to your home.
I'm glad you were able to discuss it here. That is what we are here for. =)
Good luck. I hope you can talk to him shamelessly and honestly. It's hard, but it will get easier once you are used to it.
Look in the mirror when you are home alone and say: I deserve orgasms, even if I give them to myself. If you won't touch my vagina, then I won't touch your penis"
These might not be the things you need to say...but get used to saying them out loud and then it might be easier to talk to him about it. And he wil probably respect you more when he sees that you are willing to hve a totally open, awkward conversation just because you want a better sex life with him.
Ask yourself two important questions:
1) Do you love him?
2) Are you sexually attracted to him?
If one of those answers is no, I would think about postponing or calling off the wedding. If both answers are yes, take a deep breath and smile b/c your problem can be fixed. I think most normal females go through these phases, especially when BC is introduced into the equation and you have to work on it. I know BC decreases my drive and I have to actively 'psyche' myself up sometimes, but I do it for FI. And I agree that the pressure makes it worse - he knows that and knows how to gently hint instead of charge.
Instead of paying $$ for a counselor, maybe seek advice online like from a self help column. You need to learn how to get yourself in the right mind frame in addition to going on a diet and possibly changing BC. Get to a healthy weight, start taking good care of yourself, buy some new intimates and I'll bet things work themselves out!
I understand how you feel. I have massively low sex drive because of my BC. But the thing is, I force myself to have sex. I make sure that we have lots of foreplay first, kissing, touching, manual/oral. Usually after that has started, I have a bit of a desire for it. Once we start having sex, I do enjoy it. But I sort of have to force myself to do it. I want to want to have sex and I want to have that closeness so it's a means to an end. I'm hoping to go off the pill soon so I hope it gets better.
I've noticed my sex drive has been lower since I started BC. Also, stress from work and wedding planning doesn't help! Perhaps also if you feel like you need to lose weight, maybe you don't feel comfortable with your body and that could be making you feel less sexual? I'm just throwing a possibility out there. Also, if you need more foreplay than I would have a serious discussion with your FI and let him know that you need more of this. Lots of times I don't feel in the mood but some sensual foreplay can change everything! This is something that both of you need to figure out together and it's something many couples go through. Everything will work out :)
OH my god, can I share some of my freakishly high teenage boy sex drive with you guys? I want to have sex like, alllll the time. And my boy, who is crazy stressed out with his job, never, ever wants to have sex at all. it is painful emotionally to be rejected, and I have def. cried about it.
He's sort of the same as MissAsB. If I can get him to the point of having sex he loves it and gets really into it. But getting there is difficult.
Hi... I read your post several times, and all the others you wrote. From what I see I am more concerned about your attitude than the low sex drive per se. I mean, I've been in your situation, several times. Both because depression (I suffer from bipolar disorder) and BC. However I have NEVER thought that having sex once a month would (or should) be enough. I do understand that it bothers you - because you admitted to never had an orgasm... I understand how sex can be bothersome without getting an orgasm out of it which brings about the crux of the problem, ie the "I have no orgasm and I'm fine with it" attitude you have. If I were you - and excuse my straight talk - I would try to explore my sexual needs by myself so that you hopefully learn to give yourself an orgasm. Then, you'll know what it means to have it, and hopefully would want more of it. That "wanting more" will give you the drive to go to *individual* therapy first and then couple counselling... because sex isn't like going to the gym!!! Think about it!
i agree with gionetto about the O.
it is not OK that you never have one. Rarely, ok, I'll buy it. But never is not fair or right! You are missing out on a deep connection, and it's only a tiny bit his fault. Mostly...it's yours. You need to get yourself there and then teach him to do it. This ca be hard. I'm about to marry a man who has yet to master this skill (without much guidance and pushiness on my part). But he's trying, and so I'll keep him. If I didn't look him in the eye and say "you have never given me an orgasm" he would never have take me seriously. that was actual harder and more awkward than the playing around in bed to figure it out part. that part was fun. cause once you can say things to your man like "clitoris," the physical part is more of a relief than awkward. =)
Your doctor may also be able to provide references for other resources - maybe even ones that are free?
I'm agreeing with the get off of the BC sentiment - i know mine has affected me...
Also, I understand that you are shy about toys but dont forget that there is a whole huge anonymous internet out there just waiting for you to explore!
Good luck!
If I stress over not having an O, it's not going to happen. I haven't really explored the DIY method of sex. I mean, I have but it is not something I do often since I just don't get much charge from it. Does that make sense?
And it's not like I think sex once a month is okay, it's not, and I am sorry if I made it sound like that. I think once a week is a little low, actually. I am still very attracted to him but sex is the LAST thing on my mind right now.
I put in a request for new BC and they are going to let me know if we can just change it or if I have to come in.
And I hope you all don't think he was being a jerk or isn't committed because of this. Granted he shouldn't have made such a cutting comment but he really is a great man who does have needs.
I have to say although this sucks I am in the same boat! I never am in the mood! About two months ago I switched BC to the Nuvaring and I still feel the same! It scares me to death that I am going to lose my best friend ( My FI) over this! I am at a lose and don't know what to do either! :(
Could you have a medical problem? Maybe Hypothyroidism which can cause depression and weight gain. Some other symtoms are heavy periods, being cold all the time, and consipation. ANother possibilty might be PCOS, google it for more info.
Keep up with your individual couseling and try some couples consuling maybe your church if you have one has free or low cost conseling.
I do feel for you - all the stuff going on in your life is tough, and I can see how it can affect you. Did you have a higher sec drive before this difficult period in your life? Was your guy satisfied then?
If it was dramatically different then I think there is a good chance you can work it out. If, however, it was always low and the difference between your wants and his was always great than it is more serious.
This is one of those issues that if you two don't agree on it will grow worse and can challenge your marriage later on. We both owe our partners the best we can be, and I think that includes entering a marriage in the best way you can. I would postpone the ceremony until you two resolve your issues, you manage your depression, and he feels he can say 100% that he wants to marry you. If you have issues with sex drive now, what will happen after potential kids are born? or after a few years being married? I really think that you should be able to let him know what to expect, and if he can't handle it then it's better to find out now than after a few kids and a few years of marriage.
Yes, we were good prior to all the life changes, anxiety and depression issues I have been having.
I'm happy to hear some of you have experienced something similar... it is making me feel less defective and more hopeful.
Sadness Allover-When you figure out whats going on if you could message me I would love to hear any solutions! I am in a simlar boat and its very upsetting and hard to deal with! I feel like I have something really wrong with me! But at least we know we are not alone! :)
@Sadness Allover - I think in addition to talking to your doctor etc, what can also help if you can't afford therapy right now etc, is to organize an exercise group, maybe with just a couple of friends. This way you can encourage each other, and it will make you feel better. You can go running, walking, swimming. Also try a new hobby, something that has nothing to do with the wedding, just to take your mind off the stress.
You can order sex toys and whatever online, to avoid embarrassment. I don't think sex therapy is really necessary right now, I think you should tackle your stress and depression first. Your guy should make more of an effort to 'woo" you, as oppose to just groping you. I agree that's not helpful and just stresses you out more.
Good luck!
Honestly; I wouldn't be switching BC pills. I would be stopping them. I've done everything you have. I've tried to switch; tried to talk to my doctor. I went off BC for a month and you wouldn't believe how amazing that month was. Yes it sucks to use condoms after so long without using them. But honestly every pill is going to kill your drive. I went back and tried to switch to Nuva Ring. That was a total disaster as well. I'm now off of BC all together and am waiting for my body to get back to normal. It's worth it; believe me!
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