Post # 1
My SO and I have been together for 5 years this month. He started asking about ring preferences/online shopping in May of 2013, took me ring shopping in stores starting in November, bought a stone in February 2014, and finally took me took a custom jeweler in March of this year. After we spoke to the custom jeweler, it seemed like engagement was imminent. He stopped talking about it, and I didn’t want to ruin any surprises so I shut up about it as well. I moved out of state (away from friends/family/job) to relocate with his new job in May of this year. I still have not found employment despite active searching and have been a glorified stay-at-home girlfriend since that time. I had a meltdown two months ago because I felt like he was not moving forward with the engagement process and I was frustrated with him getting my hopes up for almost a year and a half. The stone for the ring was just sitting untouched in a junk drawer. After cooking his meals, doing his laundry, running his errands, giving up my life in my home-state, sacrificing my dreams and my career for his, etc etc I was SO fed up with my girlfriend status and I lost it. I regret how I reacted (crying) but the conversation needed to be had. I apologized the next day for freaking out and I haven’t brought up since then. I’m still growing incredibly resentful because he still isn’t talking about engagement.
Today he accidentally let it slip that he had made secret plans for our 5th anniversary in a few weeks. I’m fairly certain he’s going to propose then. My immediate reaction was feeling like I’d been punched in the stomach. I don’t feel excited like I know I should be. I’ve been fighting back tears all day. I know I should be happy and thrilled that he’s finally getting around to doing it, but that fact that he has to “get around to doing it” is so hurtful. I’ve been led to believe over the course of a year and half that it could be anytime, and I’m emotionally exhausted from it. The long, drawn-out process has made me wonder if he is serious about marrying me. I just want to scream at him that it shouldn’t have taken this long, that he takes me for granted, that I hate playing house and being his little house-wife. I love him, but this whole process has me questioning if I even want to marry him. I want someone who wants to propose and is excited to ask me to marry them, not someone who only does it after I cry about it.
If anyone has any words of advice, I could really really use them right now. This is supposed to be one of the most exciting times of my life and instead I feel like crap.
This topic was modified 2 years, 9 months ago by oriskany.
Post # 2
I’m sorry 🙁 I would probably feel the same way you do. I am not really sure what to think without knowing how old you guys are and how he is as a partner in general. Is he good to you? Helpful around the house? Supportive?
Sometimes it takes a person awhile to feel ready for marriage, even though you basically already live like you are married. Maybe he was just a bit scared. I wouldn’t just immediately jump to the conclusion that he is only doing it because you cried about it.
Post # 3
Anna113619: He’s turning 25 soon, I’ll be 24 in February. He told me he wanted to marry me within a month or two of dating, he moved from his home country to end our long distance, supports me financially and I know he loves me. He’s a great guy, very supportive, helpful around the house and we have a lot of fun together. The fact that he is so wonderful makes me feel even worse about feeling so resentful 🙁
Post # 4
It sounds like there are a few issues going on – maybe some homesickness, some justified frustration with your current employment status, maybe feeling defensive about the choices you’ve made. All of that is really tough stuff, but I think you’ve unfairly confounded it with marriage. If you two, together, made the mutual decision to move forward toward marriage, you’ve been on the same page the whole time.
Maybe when he got the ring in March, he got an idea to propose on a special occasion and never meant to hurt your feelings. Maybe he needed his own time to process the step you’re about to take together. Regardless, you two have a mutual agreement. You might not be feeling this way if you two had conversations about what was going on since March – is the element of surprise for something you actually know is coming worth feeling this way? Why couldn’t you propose to him, or at least feel comfortable broaching conversations to ensure you two are still moving in the same direction way before exploding, or beginning to feel resentful. Why is this act, which is fairly contrived (if sweet) the real thing that matters? It seems like moving and building a life together–and him supporting you–are the kinds of actions on each of your end that are truly important.
I think you’ve got a good thing going, assuming the details you’ve posted here are the only things bothering you. If there have been other changes in your relationship, maybe that’s what’s skewing your feelings.
Post # 5
RedHairing: I completely agree with your thoughts, very well said.
Also, OP… 24 is pretty young. He may just not be quite ready to take the leap just yet.
Post # 6
Possibly he was planning this all along for your 5 year anniversary? Be hopeful, don’t be upset about it!
Post # 7
Please realize that the only reason that you’re feeling this way is because somewhere along the way you picked up the belief that he didn’t want to marry you. Wherever that belief came from, whatever information you used to validate it (He hasn’t proposed yet , even though I was expecting it soon, why can’t he read my mind? etc) please remember that if he does propose then that belief is wrong. If he proposes to you, you suck up and throw away any resentment, accept his thoughtful gift and be happy!
It is your choice to buy into your fear that he doesn’t want to marry you or not.
Post # 8
Maybe a girls weekend is in order. A few days to yourself to not even think about it at all and re-charge. You may just be talking yourself into circles and stressing yourself about being stressed (I do it all the time). Even if it is just go to the nearest big city and get a hotel with a close friend or 2 and have a nice dinner and see a show, it may be the distraction and reset you’re looking for.
Post # 9
I’m a little confused. I’ve been with my SO for 5 years and we never once discussed marriage. I was pretty much already his ‘wife,’ and I loved being his ‘wife.’ When he proposed on our 5 year, the ring changed literally nothing. And the wedding will just be a fun party to celebrate us and our family.
If you aren’t enjoying being his wife now, you won’t enjoy it when you’re actually married either. Do NOT expect a ring to change anything.
EDIT: I’m 23, if that matters.
Post # 10
The feelings of resentmnt are not unusual when you’ve been believing it would happen sooner rather than later and you do start to try to interpret the delay. I too thought i would not be able to get past the feelings of resentment that had brewed and i think your reliance on him financially, struggle with employment and the sacrifice you feel you made in moving for him etc will only compound that. so maybe take a step back, re-examine what you do want and if indeed that is to be his wife then allow yourself to get excited. chances are he really didn’t get that it was upsetting you like this and had hs own plan for things. i know that sucks from the waiting perspective but often they’re in the dark over that. take some time out, a trip home might be a very good idea, and look at this fresh then.
Post # 11
I feel your pain. I got with My FH when I was 15, and he didn’t get around to proposing until I was 26, and we’d been talking about it since I was 20. He *did* manage to surprise me but I’d all but given up on the idea by that point, even though I knew he was totally commited considering we bought a house together the year before. I was prepared to Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russell it for all time. Seriously, waiting that long really took the oomph and magical starry-eyed excitement out of our engagement (which we are about half way through currently, it’ll be about a 2 year one – we move slow, can you tell?) lol.
I don’t really know if I have much advice to give, I just know he’s my best friend and I love him and have fun being around him most of the time. Its not all hearts and rainbows everyday after a decade, but I cant really imagine spending my life with anyone else, and that’s all that really matters to me. It was absolutely frustrating as all get out wondering if he was ever going to actually go through with it, so your conundrum resonates with me, but still being so young I wouldn’t fret over it too much.
If if you love him that’s what’s up. Don’t let your happiness get crushed over feeling pressure from socially constructed traditions. That’s really what shifted my perspective, we were married in all but legality. While its certainly a significant gesture, it’s not the most important thing. Some guys just take a little longer to finally get on with the show. In most cases, this shouldn’t be taken as a sign that he doesn’t love you more than anything in the world.
I echo the previous notion that if you aren’t happy for other reasons right now, a legal marriage isn’t going to change things. If these thoughts are really bothering you, some reassessment on what you need in this relationship is in order. Nothing wrong with that either.
Post # 12
I don’t get the impression that your resentment has much to do with marriage..
It’s clear that he’s going to propose, but it seems like you feel like the proposal should be a magic wand to take away your frustration with the situation that you are in. But a proposal isn’t a magic wand.. it’s just the next step in your relationship.
It seems like you’re resentful that you’ve moved for him and resentful that you haven’t found a job… those are the issues that you need to address. The proposal doesn’t really have much to do with that..
Post # 13
“After cooking his meals, doing his laundry, running his errands, giving up my life in my home-state, sacrificing my dreams and my career for his, etc etc I was SO fed up with my girlfriend status and I lost it.”
You need to learn to manage your resentment, it’s a skill you’ll use for your entire life. I think women often have a tendency to give and give then get burned out. Nobody can read your mind and no boyfriend/husband/partner can fill all your needs all the time – you have to take care of yourself and be responsible for your own happiness. Forget the ring. What can you do, right now, to make yourself happy?
Post # 14
i usually have strong advice – leave, see a therapist, etc. but the only thing I’m pretty certain of here is that you need a vacation. You’re carrying a lot of stress and you’re rundown. Unemployment is hard. Homesickness is hard. Relationship stress is hard. all understandable – I’ve been there. Please take a weekend away or a visit home, with or without him. Take good care of yourself and relax, then see how you feel once you’re breathing more easily. Good luck!
Post # 15
amanda3334455: I think the resentment is not just based on her frustration with the situation, it’s about making huge sacrifices for someone who you fear isn’t willing to provide the same security and commitment in return. It’s one thing to put your career on hold for your husband/life partner since your successes and failures are very much shared, but quite another to be left on tenterhooks by a boyfriend who may or may not be serious about you. Making these kinds of choices as a girlfriend leaves you in a very vulnerable position, so I’m not surprised that she is feeling a lot of emotional pain about the situation.