Post # 1
some may remmeber my post from before but if not then I will try to briefly recap. My boyfriend and I have been to gether nearly 3 years and he is 6 years younger than me ( I am in my early thirties). I have two children from a previous relationship and BF has none.
we recently we moved in with one another due to an emergency situation so the whole living together aspect was completely fastforwarded for us. we have talked about marriage so much, I have made my desires clear about my expectations about marriage. he knows I am looking for a commitment…he says he wants the same. But that is the problem, it is always just talk. He says he wants to marry me but is doing NOTHING to see that it happens. and now that we live under the same roof I really feel like he isnt going to commit now!
it is making me angry because we talk, or i talk, and the converstaion goes no where. he keeps talking about money but how much does a marriage license cost??!!! I am not asking for the thousand dollar ring or any ring for that matter. I told him if he must get something that I would be happy with a plain gold band.
I want a commitment not a ring. i want a marriage not a wedding. understand??
i think he is using any excuse he can to string me along while he gets his milk for free.
so i think i want him to leave…i am too old to sit here and wait and wait and wait. i am a grown up and he needs to act like one too!! i told him last night, just tell me if we are not on the same page so we dont waste each others time. i love him tremendously but marriage is a deal breaker for me.
so BEES, please give me some words of wisdom….I need brutal honesty even if you think that I am wrong.
Post # 3
I don’t think he is trying to get his milk for free unless he is living there for free.
I’m sure he does want to get married but as you said he is 6 years younger he may just not be ready yet or he might want to surprise you so he’s waiting until you stop talking about it. Guys like to do things on their own time. And you might not want a ring but HE might want to get you one so he’s waiting until he can save up for it.
You know your relationship better then I do but thats just my opinion.
Post # 4
I think you did the right thing and kudos for you for standing up for yourself and essentially your kids.
Post # 5
Its hard to give you advice based on what you have written above, but I will say if he’s more concerned with how much a marriage license costs and you are focused on a commitment and a marriage, it sounds like you are on different pages.
Post # 6
One of my friends was with a guy for 10 years and they have a 6 year old girl together and still no commitment from him. About 2 years ago she was watching some show where the guy giving advice said “Don’t Waste Your Pretty” Something in her clicked. She realized she wasn’t getting any younger and he obviously after 10 years had used and reused every excuse in the book. She was 35 and he was 30. The first 6 months of leaving him was hard because she loved him so much. For the last 8 months she has been dating a new guy who everyone adores and you can tell he is head over heals for her and her daughter. He is 35 as well. I know everyones situation is different but I just love the saying. “Don’t Waste Your Pretty” because though looks aren’t everything I feel if they are committing when you are at your best then they certainly aren’t going to commit when you have lost a little of it…Good luck to you!
Post # 7
thank you for your advice. when i say getting his milk for free i meant getting all the perks of living a “married” life style without actually being married…didnt mean financially.
as for the age thing, honestly i think that is BS on his part! he knew what this was when we first got together. I was clear from the very beginning that i was looking for commitment and that marriage was my ultimate goal. he had a chance to walk. we took things slow, became really great friends, let the romance and relationship develop. i wasnt expecting an engagement from day one but now almost three years in….i think i gave him ample time to figure things out. it is really simple…either u want to be with me or u dont.
ugh, i swear, this sitting and waiting and hoping and praying for a commitment is really not for me! it’s like a game or a manipulation. and it is such a turn off!!
i am sorry i am venting but this is how i really feel and the frustration level for me is at a maximum..`
Post # 8
Three years is long. If he doesn’t know now, he will never know.
However, if he knows and it is important for him to have a nice ring for his woman and to have a nice wedding (it is once in a lifetime afterall); then he should be putting money aside to be able to propose as soon as possible.
So, bottom line is, he’s worried about having enough money: is he seriously saving right now?
If he is, keep communication open with him to have a timeline you’re both comfortable with.
If he’s not, then he’s just talking, and not walking the talk; then you should move on… There is no such thing as “not knowing”, not after 3 years anyway (if he doesn’t know yet, it’s because he knows it’s not what he wants forever, yet it’s easier to stay and enjoy the milk than go)
Post # 9
egb…i agree with you sooo much!!! if he doesnt know now…he never will!!!! to answer your question…no, he is NOT saving for a ring or anything. he says enough to appease me in the moment and then POOF he goes back to the same BS!!
He is the epitome of not walking the walk!!!
Post # 10
he is all talk no action!!
Post # 11
I think you have your answer right there… Sorry…
I really don’t want to sound harsh, but I have been there. For 6 years. And when I moved out, I met my DH, who proposed to me after 18 months and we got married before the 3 years mark. Because, when it’s right and you both want the same thing, it’s easy and things happen – when you both want something, what’s the poing in wasting time accomplishing what you want..
Also, maybe you moving on will make him realize what he’s losing and open his eyes and make him do serious actions in order to be with you forever. Or, it won’t and you’ll both be better off, free to meet someone who actually meet your needs and you’ll meet his, too.
Post # 12
egb…you are right and i have a lot to think about…i think i need to do what i have been trying to avoid. i feel like i am fighting a losing battle. and im tired!!
Post # 13
I’m wondering (not to be nosey), what was the emergency situation? If something big happened, that could be a reason why he’s unsure.
I would be honest and upfront with him. I would tell him that you’re tired of hearing the empty talks. You need to see some action, or else it’s time for you and your daughters to take a different path. It’s really hard to say and do, but think of you and your daughters.
I’m hoping that he’s just trying to be coy and surprise you. Sometimes, lighting a fire underneath a guy makes them realize what they have. Sometimes, it’s a breaking point. I am hoping for the best in your situation :-).
Post # 14
You know what, I am SO tired of hearing about supposedly GROWN MEN not being “ready” for marriage. SOME men will do as little as they can get away with. Good, mature men know what they want and don’t jerk you around. If you want a good father figure for your children, I would find a man who knows what he wants and isn’t scared of commitment and responsibility.
Post # 15
A few questions: Does he treat you children well and have a good relationship with them? Has he told you if he’s ready for marriage or not (ring aside, is he ready to commit forever)?
It sounds like you have a prety clear idea that he’s stringing you along and only you know but I’m wondering if there might be other factors involved.
Post # 16
I might differ here from some of the other posters, but I would ask you this: Are you happy with your life with him? Because if you are, then it seems crazy to me to throw away a good relationship that makes you happy because he hasn’t proposed yet. I mean, its not like your day to day life will change much if you are married or not, so I guess I don’t understand why you would be willing to break up with him because he wants to wait. Happiness is not a guarantee in life, so if you’ve found it, I would be very wary of throwing that away based on an arbitrary deadline. Three years may seem like a long time to you, but there are plenty of bees who were dating their SOs for years longer than that before they proposed. How long have you been discussing marriage for?
Instead of telling him to move out, I would see if you could get a timeline pinned down. Work with him to create a concrete time line about when he would be comfortable getting engaged/married. Is he concerned about money- ok, that’s a totally legitimate concern! Talk with him about how much he would consider a reasonable amount of savings to have or whatever other financial qualifications he would want in order to get married, and then set up a real plan for meeting those goals. It’s one thing to say in general “Well, I want to be financially secure” and then not be willing to define that or to make a plan. That would be something that would be a cause of concern for me in a relationship. It’s another thing to sit down and talk it out and say “ok, we want to make sure that our debt is paid off, and we have at least 6 months expenses in savings. We will pay off the debt at $xxx a month and save $yyy a month, and we should be able to accomplish this goal in a little over a year.” or something like that. If he is willing to make a concrete plan, then I say that should be enough commitment for the moment…