Losing attraction to my boyfriend. Need advice! TMI long

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
943 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Snooze:  If you’re dreading going, then don’t. You don’t want to have sex with him, and he doesn’t seem to really care about what you want. PLUS he compares sex with you to sex with his ex?? WTF, RUDE.

It just sounds like he doesn’t care about you as much as he should, and honestly, if he told you that you guys should take a break, and NOW he wants to see you, why isn’t he the one coming up to see you, instead of the other way around?

Post # 4
Member
729 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@AnonymousCupcake: +1000

OP, it doesn’t sound like he’s all that interested in pleasing you, which is something that I’m guessing filters into other aspects of your relationship. You shouldn’t be with someone who you dread being intimate with. it sounds like you have made efforts to communicate but he is uninterested in working to satisfy you. If every other aspect of your relationship were amazing and this was truly a recent event, I might recommend sex therapy. But given his flippant attitude towards your desires and his penchant for comparing you to his ex (which i HIGHLY DOUBT is an accurate record of her sexuality anyway), I get the impression that this relationship is in its death knells and just needs someone to set it loose. 

Post # 5
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I think you need to cancel this visit. You’re on a break so take some time apart. It’s not a break if you’re still traveling to see him and having sex. Also, he sounds like he could care less about your needs. It’s not just that he doesn’t last long it’s that he isn’t doing anything about it. Oh and I highly doubt his ex had multiple explosive orgasms from this man!

Post # 6
Member
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Can I just say, why in holy fudge does he tell you ANYTHING about how his ex was sexually?

Post # 7
Member
7098 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Why the hell is he telling you about his past girlfriend’s orgasms?! Seriously, that is so inappropriate, especially trying to compare the two of you. Sorry but I would just cancel the visit. He doesn’t sound like appreciates you at all.

Post # 8
Member
3693 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

He sounds like a dick. And you sound like you don’t even want to be with him anymore. I don’t think this relationship is the one for you.

Post # 9
Member
2197 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

To me, sex and intimacy are a VERY important part of a relationship. If you are not connecting sexually, something is amiss. I would seriously reconsider any relationship where your partner is not meeting your needs and not willing to try to satisfy you. 1 minute sex for the rest of your life?!?! No thank you. There are far too many people in this world to settle for something like that. 

Post # 10
Member
1721 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@Snooze: I agree with other posters that he’s being a tool and this isn’t right for you… however I do have some advice if YOU want to try to work it out.

1. Buy him a cockring.  This will help him maintain an erection and take longer to orgasm.

2. Always use condoms. They will dull the sensitivity and will help him take longer to orgasm.

3. Have him masturbate about an hour before you guys plan to have sex.  It could be that he is waiting a long time between visits and that is why he is cumming so quickly, because of lack of stimulation.  If he masturbates once in a while (but not insanely frequently) that should help.

 4.  Make it known under NO CIRCUMSTANCES is he to bring up his ex unless you specifically ask a question about her (then dont ask lol!).  This is about respect for you and your relationship and her memory cannot be sullying it.

5.  Buy a really good vibrator, clit massager, or hitachi wand.  Use this when you have sex to help you achieve orgasm.  The vibrating may also slighly dull things for him which would help with the other problem.

6. Have sex in other positions. If he always cums quickly when he is on top, don’t have him be on top.  You be on top, spoon, doggie style, whatever works.

7. COMMUNICATE about sex!!!!! Before having sex, both of you talk about what you like.  Use the talking as a form of forplay, then when you are both so turned on you cannot stand it, start doing what you talked about, and make a deal you will ONLY do what you mention the first few times.

8. Communicate outside the bedroom!  Bedroom issues are often products of other issues.  Figure out what these are and make a plan to solve them.

9. Go on more dates!  Return to the beginning of your relationship.  No more at home with take out.  Go out, do free stuff if you are in money trouble.  Hiking, free museums, window shopping, share a small sundae, etc.  Get to reknow each other and remember why you fell in love.

10. Listen to yourself.  If you really feel unhappy or dreading things, you know what you need to do.  It is up to you if you want to try to fix things or not.

Most of all, good luck and be happy, you deserve it!

 

Post # 11
Member
2726 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Snooze:  Do you need to be exclusive? I am not advising you to cheat if you are but if you have only been together since March, maybe you are not. In that case, I would suggest that you both see other people and decide about your exclusivity at some later point.

Post # 12
Member
2869 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

You’ve been together less than a year and already are dreading sex? Life is too short honey, walk away. 

Post # 13
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Well this is what dating is all about. To see if you are compatible with the other person. Sounds like you two are not. first of all he obviously has no concern about YOUR sexual needs and is apparently unwilling to do something about it. Not very relationship is meant to be long term! You are dreading meeting up with this guy, to me that would a good indication it is time to let go. Life is short – why waste it with someone you are dreading to see?

Post # 15
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Hi @Snooze:  I see that this is your First Post on WBee… so a BIG Welcome to “the Hive”

Ok Older Bee here… so let me give you some info based on what a few times around the block has taught me:

Scenario # 1

Your post clearly reads that you are not happy with this guy.  There isn’t enough compatibility here… certainly not sexually.  As they say sometimes LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH

The time for this relationship to conclude has come.  So ya, don’t continue torturing yourself (and the guy)… end it already.

Scenario # 2

I don’t know how old you guys are, but you clearly don’t know a whole lot about sexual relationships, how they work over time, and even each other’s sexuality in general.

First and foremost… NEITHER of you should be sharing intimate sexual details.  EVER.  That is 100% private.  It is enough to know that the other person has had previous sexual encounters… and they are disease free.  IT IS NOT OK to be sharing stuff like what others like in bed, etc.  That is a break of trust… and something that a well formed adult would not be sharing with someone else.  It just isn’t respectful IMO

Think of it this way… you guys break up… how are you going to feel knowing that this man is going to be sharing your name, info about your relationship with his next GF… and then telling HER all about YOU and your personal sexual preferences, desires etc.  NOT KOSHER EVER.

So I don’t know who the initiator is You or Him.  But I do know that when we are younger (men or women) we are far more “territorial” and jealous of past partners for our mates.  And so we tend to both ASK MORE QUESTIONS and SHARE MORE INFO.  And sometimes that info is too personal and therefore inappropriate.

It doesn’t matter what your BF did with an Ex… IT IS NONE OF YOUR BIZ.  The past is the past.  Bringing it forward into an immediate relationship only ever goes on to cause problems (such as thoughts of inadequacy, jealousy, etc).

LESSON LEARNED.  Don’t do it.  When someone asks explain you don’t share.  As you have closed the book on that chapter in your life totally, and have now moved on.

Next… I am pretty sure I can tell you what is going on with your guy, and you are soooo missing the boat on this… as it isn’t at all what you think it is.

When he first got together with you… he was probably single, and therefore probably masturbating more than he is now that he is a relationship (little known fact… many guys cut back or quit entirely when they have a GF / regular sex partner).  If he was doing that a lot previously, then his ability to “hold his own” for a longer amount of time was easier just because of the physics of sex.

Because you are in a LDR, it means he isn’t have sex with you on a regular basis (less than 1x a week).  And if he isn’t masturbating a lot, his body will naturally NEED that sexual release when the opportunity comes (lol, pun intended)

Add in the fact that he is excited to see you / be with you… then that will ramp up his horniness.  Then add in the possibility that he has deeper feelings for you now than in the beginning and YES he’s going to be ready to EXPLODE by the time you guys are getting it on.

This is all very very natural.

As for not pleasing you in a way you want… well sex is a learned activity.  It takes lots of practice, if you guys are LDR then that is going to severely cut into your practice time together.  Men find women confusing… our bits all look different, and we respond differently.  It is complicated.  Men tend to fall back on what they’ve learned or has worked in the past.  If the relationship that your BF had with his previous GF was longer than the one he’s had with you OR if it was his FIRST Sexual Relationship… then ya, he’s going to fall back to that as it is what he knows best and is most comfortable with.  The ONLY way this gets better is thru time, and practice.  The more you have sex together, the better it will get.

His lying on top of you after the deed tells me 2 things…

Either he is thinking thru the scenario, and WISHING he would last longer (sounds like he doesn’t have much more of clue than you do on his own sexuality).

OR else… he is… or has fallen in LOVE with you… and is lying there because he wants to savour the closeness, and not let it end.

Your actions of ranting on him, only makes him feel all the more inadequate, and confused.  He probably LOVES you a lot, and you are acting like a mad woman on him and shaming him about his sexuality.  NOT A GOOD SCENARIO

And quite frankly HE doesn’t DESERVE THAT… he deserves better than you are giving him.  By your post your words read to me that you aren’t a loving & caring partner… he needs to go find a woman who is far more compassionate and can work thru this issue with him

YES SEX IS IMPORTANT… BUT it is not everything.  IF everything else is good in a relationship, then sex can be worked on quite successfully… your implying that you are looking at 1 or 2 minutes of sex forever is degrading (and shows your ignorance on the topic of human sexuality).

IF you really cared about this guy (which from your post, I didn’t get that) you’d be looking for advice on how to overcome this problem in your relationship… not how to overcome the guy in the relationship and his sexual “tendencies” so you can move on.

— — —

I will say this tho…

Honestly IF YOU ARE NOT WILLING TO DO THE WORK… to make this relationship better (and it will take time & work) including more COMMUNICATION in and out of the Bedroom, possibly some counselling etc.

Do the guy a HUGE FAVOUR and use this “Break”… to move on entirely, and let him find someone who truly can appreciate him.

It would be kind thing to do… and you can go find someone more compatible to you right off the mark…

Hope this helps,

PS… Going forward… alone or together (whatever you decide).  You might want to read up on human sexuality… as it is clear to me that you have some obvious gaps in your knowledge.  There are lots of great books out there, and websites etc.  Dr Ruth’s “Sex for Dummies” is an excellent place to start.

 

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