Post # 1
FH’s dad is going to be our officiant at the wedding. He is a nice man whom I like very much, but we’re not close or anything. He is a music minister and is very serious in the church. He even works for the Baptist Convention in our state. FH and I do not consider ourselves religious people, but we decided it’s perfectly fine to incorporate some religious themes/prayers for the sake of family/FFIL. Future Father-In-Law sent me a wedding service he created via email…and I HATED IT. It’s SO not me. First off, it’s very long. My wedding is going to be in late July, OUTSIDE, in the deep south. We do not need a long ceremony (reception is inside). We don’t want anyone passing out or makeup melting off before pictures. Secondly, there are four, that’s right, FOUR, prayers in the ceremony. It’s incredibly religious. I thought, surely he won’t put too much in there because he knows us- but its obvious he did not have any of that in mind. So, I respectfully sent back a revised version- cutting out a lot of it and a few of the prayers, explaining I wanted it to be MUCH shorter. I thanked him for his effort and tried my best to not come off too heathenish. I was very polite. FH told me, however, when he read my response (they were together at that time), he was not happy. His feelings were hurt that I took so much out of it. Future Father-In-Law replied with “I’ll do whatever you want”, but how am I to take that? Should I just go with it? Should I yield? I would be VERY unhappy with my service if it were to stand the way he wrote it. In fact, I would hate every moment of it and probably cry. But I can’t exactly tell him that. So I went another route.
This morning I sent him another service I liked that was still religious and even included some of his own words and a prayer he wrote. It’s a lot better than the one he sent me and a lot shorter. I haven’t heard back yet, and I’m a little nervous.
What are your thoughts on this situation?
Post # 3
@sweet_mustard: I wish you hadn’t sent him another more religious service, because my advice is to take him completely at his word (“I’ll just do whatever you want”). If he has a problem with the service, it’s his responsibility to voice it. He’ll get over whatever disappointment he has. Just make sure you and your fiance are on the same page when it comes to dealing with his father. Maybe it would be best to run all your emails to his dad by him, to make sure they’re worded well and that he’s 100% behind them.
In fact, if I were you, I would just re-send him your ideal service and say “thank you so much for your flexibility! On second thought, Fiance and I feel like this service is the perfect reflection of us as a couple and it means so much to us for you to be a part of our day. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.”
Frankly, this is your wedding and it’s your responsibility to stand up for the service that you like the best. Since your Future Father-In-Law isn’t raising any objections, just go ahead with what you want.
Post # 4
The one I sent last, I do love. I think the religious parts are necessary and I do enjoy them. I wrote “I think I found the perfect ceremony!”, so maybe he will take that as a hint that I really want this one. He told us beforehand, that if he were to do the service, there are some things he could definitely not leave out (I assume he meant religious things). So, I pretty much had to include some. Fiance said he has absolutely no say in the matter. If I liked it, he liked it- was his exact words.
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Post # 6
@sweet_mustard: The day is about YOU and your relationship – you need to stay true to that. If you aren’t religious, why have a religious ceremony? Just to appease someone else? No way! Before we cancelled our wedding and planned to elope, my best friend’s dad was going to conduct our service. He is very religious and is a pastor at a local church. However, he said he wanted to stay true to us as a couple and have the ceremony be reflective of our relationship. He was so understanding! If he will do whatever you want, then good. That’s how it should be 🙂
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Post # 8
I absolutely agree that if you hated the service he sent that it shouldn’t be used. I think it would have been better to have discussed this with your Fiance, come up with what you want together and then have Fiance handle it with his dad.
Post # 9
@BoxerLady: The day is about YOU and your relationship – you need to stay true to that. If you aren’t religious, why have a religious ceremony? Just to appease someone else? No way!
Agreed 10000000000000%. Fiance and I sat down and decided that we would NOT have any religion in our ceremony. Our officiants sent us a packet and we chose a ceremony through what they set. It includes some Celtic readings and a handfasting. We aren’t telling anyone because I don’t want to hear opinions, and I know that people will have them. I don’t care. This is OUR wedding, and it would be completely ridiculous to have a ceremony that will make someone else happy and start our marriage off with a lie. We do not believe in God and do not attend church (and never will), so having that sort of thing in our ceremony is absolutely not who we are.
My grandma suggested we use her church when we first got engaged. I turned her down, gently saying that a church wedding and reception in the basement isn’t what we had in mind. Future Mother-In-Law tried pushing us into using the pastor (someone we don’t know from a church where we’ve never been to) who married her older son, and we had to say no several times before she stopped. Future Father-In-Law tried to talk Fiance into talking me into getting married in a church to please his grandparents. He told him no, and I confirmed that we would not be getting married in a church (we wanted an outdoor ceremony), nor doing anything to please anyone because this is OUR wedding.
It’s nice that you wanted to have his dad officiate, but keep in mind that this may not work out like you’re hoping. I originally suggested we have Future Father-In-Law marry us (he’s a lay minister), but then I realized that a) he’s probably not going to do what we want (keep religion out of it, no prayers, etc.), and b) he’s not even ordained anymore anyway.
Post # 10
You said you aren’t that close, he may take critques easier from his son.