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That's great!! I hope that your SO truly takes your conversation to heart, and doesn't revert back to old habits after a few weeks. Best of luck to you!!
I'm glad you had the conversation, but this doesn't mean it "worked". There are so many stories of girls who get a timeline and then the guys don't meet it. It sounds like you pressured him, after he told you he wasn't ready, and he said what he needed to in order to calm you down and keep you around.
I like your logic with him, though - I wouldn't feel at all comfortable, either, with putting a lot of my money into a house that may or may not be "ours." I'd definitely need that security, too. Just check over the next few months that you're both on the same track - cutting back financially to put into a marriage/ring/honeymoon fund.
All the points you made to him are completely valid. I think that girls who just whine and bitch about "but I wanna be maaarrrriiiieeed" are the ones that are "pushy" when they do things like get angry and set ultimatums. You're just trying to plan out and live your life. Kudos!
I also found the "not mentioning it" approach didn't work for us. When my boyfriend saw how much it affected me to see everyone get engaged and asking me when it was our turn, it caused it to click in his head. It literally was one bitchy comment (I know it's not happening tonight and I'm fine with it, but it's going to hurt tomorrow when everyone asks if we got engaged and implies you don't love me enough when I say no". A day later he gave me a 2 month timeline and he bought a ring this week. There is a difference between pressure, nagging, abd being honest about your needs. My boyfriend had no idea how I felt and decided to propose a little sooner because of it.
@Rush1986: I think you had every right to tell him how you felt. You have a house together and he expects you to dump large amounts of money into its repairs but he's not "ready" to be married... That deserves a bit of an explanation IMO and I'm glad you brought it up. Hope it works out!
Good for you for standing up for yourself.
More power to you bees who had success with Mr. Bee's plan, but I find utterly ridiculous the idea that women - especially women who have been with their SOs for YEARS and are already playing the role of a wife without any of the legal and social benefits - should have to tiptoe around the subject of marriage lest their SO feel "nagged" or "pressured".
Seriously, after 3 years and a house, it is a more than valid topic of conversation.
That's awesome. But I don't think what you did was something that you "aren't supposed to do." What you did was healthy communication where, while you allowed him to feel how he felt, you also owned your feelings and presented them in a manner that could be understood by any reasonable person. What you aren't supposed to do is be pushy, passive aggressive, nag, fail to have big conversations like that. There's nothing wrong with being in different places, but there is something wrong with not talking it out. My guy had that "light" moment as well after a big conversation. It ended with him saying, I really don't know why I wasn't thinking about it more seriously before- I should have, but I didn't.
Does that mean it's guaranteed he'll follow through? No. But your chances are much better and now that everything is out in the open and everyone understands each other there will be no guesswork and things will probably run smoothly in a positive direction. Proud of you lady! :)
That's so good! I think it's unfair that it's considered unreasonable for girls to express what they want in life to their SOs, and we're just supposed to wait around for them to decide things on their own, rather than deciding as a couple. I think you should always be honest in relationships.
@sailor: I totally agree!!
OP: Good for you! Sometimes men and women speak different languages and you just have to tell him your feelings in terms that he can understand.
@claireos: Agree. You are suppose to be talking about it, not nagging or pushing. But the cornerstone of a healthy realtionship is being able to talk about what you need.
I agree, this is not really a violation of Mr. Bee's plan. It's a healthy discussion, and good for you for having it. I try not to bring up marriage/engagement on a daily basis either, and waiting for when he thinks it's the "right time" for that step and surprise, but I have made it clear to him that I won't be sticking around for too long just as "his girlfriend" while living together.
I honestly think Mr. Bee's plan should only be used either after getting a timeline (and thus, use the plan to push it out of your mind while your SO works behind the curtain) or when 'serious discussions' aren't getting a solid answer and you need to step back and maybe let him think about life without you for awhile. It is absolutely important to make sure both partners are on the same page, or at least, aware of what page the other is on. And that's exactly what you did, and it worked and that's awesome! Congrats!
@sailor: I totally agree... I don't believe in whining about something until I get it, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with a grown woman making her needs in a relationship known. I don't understand having to tip-toe around such an important subject.
OP, congratulations on the convo with your SO. It sounds healthy & productive to me & I wish you two the best! :o)
Sounds like you two are on the same page which is great :) I agree - sometimes breaking the rules and doing what your instincts tell you is the best move!
@sailor A-FREAKING-MEN. I'm okay that my SO isn't completely ready for marraige yet, it's an intimidating prospect. I also understand that it's a massive financial commitment. But I put 50/50 in this relationship and I am saving a significant portion of my paychecks to go to our future home. And I'll be damned if anyone thinks I need to play the role of the patient quiet girlfriend. So I haven't. Granted, I've had a few emotional periods where I should have handled myself better. However, for the most part good communication was there.
Ladies, you are half of your relationship and deciding to get married is half your decision. It's your life too.
As a few commenters mentioned, the healthy communication mentioned by the OP is definitely not a violation of the plan. Communication is hugely important, and when an opportunity emerges to talk about the future... you should definitely take it!
To the OP: I wish you guys a lifetime of happiness together. :-)
**oops, sorry @mrbee, that comment wasn't meant for your plan. Got a little wound up earlier that day with a conversation with my mother.
That's so cool! I guess in my mind, an ultimatum is like "if you don't propose by X date, then Y will happen". You just told him what was going on for you and it sounds like he got the picture!
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So bees who are on the Mr. Bee Waiting Plan, you know that one of the important things is to try and stop nagging about marriage. To keep it out of your mind. To focus on yourself and your own self improvement.
Now i tried not mentioning it. We went ring shopping in November and let me tell you, i kept my mouth shut because he said it would be a surprise. After 2 months of waiting with no progress i was going to burst. I was unfortunately becoming angry.
Needless to say when in the middle of a regular conversation he said "I'm not ready to get married" you could literally see my head rotate. Now i know you're not suppose to become angry, and your suppose to not pressure. But i was angry and i wanted answers. This lead to a 2 hour discussion where he stated our relationship was not where it needed to be for marriage. I agreed (we are in a bit of a rut and have made changes since the discussion which are working wonders). We then started to work on our non-ending renovations. He started talking about putting a new roof on, gutting the bathroom and building a shop.
After 5 days of thinking this over, i sat him down yesterday. I told him it felt like my life was being put on hold while he decided when he was “ready” to get married. I’m ready to make the commitment, to make long term plans and start thinking about a family. He said that was horrible that i felt stalled in life, and he finally understood why i had been upset. After 3 years and house and a dog he should know by now was my point. He stated of course he wants to marry me but the time needs to be right. I then laid down the law. “I no longer feel comfortable putting large amounts of money into this house when we are not married and we don’t have that long term security”.
This light went off in his head. He said that he completely understood and that it was wrong of him to be saving money for a shop when we should both be saving money for a wedding. That we can wait for renovations and a marriage is first on the agenda.
So moral of the story is...well i talked and got angry, i basically gave an ultimatum of some kind, i did what i was NOT suppose to do. And it worked. He said the proposal will come within the year and that our money right now should be saved for a wedding. We will do a few projects on the house but big purchases will have to wait. I have NEVER received a timeline so it was good to know he finally understood and realised the next step was to focus on us and getting married.
Just thought i would share my story. Sometimes when you’re not sure where things are, the best way to fix it is by being totally and brutally honest, while at the same time not placing blame on anyone. Just stating exactly how you're feeling can do wonders.