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Sometimes people show their true friendship at the most inopportune times. It's not nice, helpful, or loving. I'm in a similar situation with a relative, but it's a different situation. I've decided that, if he wants in my life, he can call me. I'm done fogiving people when they don't ask and keep hurting me.
I think you just have to let it go, as hard as that is. I lost at least one friend over my wedding too. These events will make people show their true colors.. that's for sure.
If you feel inclined to send her something, write it down, get it all out, then scale it back in a letter to her.
Sorry you had that happen, that's awful.
aww sorry....I would just let it go for now. Tell her that you still value the friendship and maybe one day you will get back on the same page.
I had a situation when I thought I was losing my best friend as well. She was going through a hard time and it was just a dark period. I tried to help her the best I could, but nothing worked. So finally I just got the balls to tell her "listen, I love you. I've tried to help you, you don't want it. When you get your life figured out I will be here for you but until then...there is really nothing that I can do right now." She took it hard bc there was another "cut" to her life. Eventually she got her head out of her ass and we are back to talking on the phone all the time and hanging out again.
Some times you just need a break. Some times those breaks last longer than others. But do what is right for you. Friendships are a 2 way street.
Wow, I am really sorry this has happened. I think it is just part of life. Big milestones seem to have the ability to show people who there real friends are. I have learned that some friends are only around when it is convenient for them. As soon as you start doing something that completely revolves around yourself, i.e. get married or have a baby, they seem to drop like flies. Maybe she will come back around and maybe she won't. If she does, your friendship will likely not be the same. Sorry for your loss.
You know, I think writing this out helped clear my head. I know I value the friendship, but its pretty clear to me now that she doesn't. I mean, wouldn't your best-friend call after the wedding to say "hey! lets get lunch and you have to tell me all about the wedding and bring pics!" or at the very very least a "congrats" on facebook...or a *like* on married status. She's very FB active so I know that's not crazy to expect... I think the lack of any of these says "I don't care how your life is going" and that's pretty much a non-friend imho.
I'm going through something similar at the moment, but for right now my friendship with my MOH is clinging on, but barely. She also hasn't really helped with any planning, hasn't bought her dress yet, was MIA for 2 weeks (we needed info about the shower she's planning, but wouldn't return a single call), didn't send out shower invites til a week before, and seems disinterested in the wedding even though she wanted me to ask her to be MOH. I asked her about 2 or 3 months ago if she wanted to back out (due to financial resaons) but she said no, she definitely wanted to be in it still. We hardly talk these days, which is pretty sad since she's the most important person in my wedding party.
I think it's extremely unforgivable for your former MOH to not even ask about your wedding. But I may be the same as you - making excuses and hanging on to a friendship that is already over. It seems like she'll continue to be unreliable and disinterested in you and your life now, and who needs friends like that. :(
Weddings do weird things to people. I also lost a friend and it was hard. I cut off contact but needed closure so I eventually wrote her a letter explaining why we were no longer speaking, keeping to the facts as I remembered them and taking responsibility for what I felt I did wrong. It really helped!
It really doesn't sound like this person has ANY interest in being your friend which is incredibly sad. I know that my MOH would cut off her own arm before she missed my wedding. I know this because she's told me so. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.
@MissHelen: I think we should do a poll because my husband lost a friend over our wedding. I didn't realize how freakishly common that is until I started reading these boards.
Unfortunately, weddings seem to bring out emotions in some people that you wouldn't see otherwise. I'm so sorry your friend acted like that. It happened to us as well (both me and my husband) and we were baffled and hurt, so I can definitely empathize.
@ Edina: Seriously! That was one of the things that really helped me when I found weddingbee....knowing that SO MANY people have gone through this. It's incredible.
I'd also seen it a lot on the boards and thought it was weird. I thought "how can a wedding change everything?". But when you think about it, it makes sense. It all comes down to whether or not you can be there for someone else. To really support your friend, be happy for them and give of yourself. That's what all good friendships are based on, but usually on a smaller scale. Its more often "I'm really busy right now, but my best friend had a terrible day and I need to go support and comfort her". With a wedding its magnified a bit, because now its not "my friend wasn't there for me when I had a bad day" its "my friend wasn't there for me on my wedding day" which carries a lot more weight. At least, that's what I think...
I think JennyPenny (cute name, btw) is right. I think some friendships are more superficial than we realize until it's too late. Ultimately, you can have a good time shopping with someone or whatever, but when the activities turn to all about you, maybe the friend isn't into it. It's sad, but it happens.
I would let it go. And if she expresses interest later, let her. But, not without telling her lovingly that you were hurt.
And if you really feel like you need to her, reach out to her one more time. Ask her if you've offended her or what's going on? etc.
This is really sucky. I'm so sorry :(
I'll try to keep this short: let your friend go. People unfortunately show their true colors during wedding planning. Some people seriously disappoint you, and others really pull through. We lost some close friends during the planning process, and we were like, a pretty laid back bride and groom. We also became a lot closer to others, who really showed their support and love for us during planning.
This friend of yours obviously isn't a good friend, and people grow apart. I would let it go, as painful as it may be.
@Miss Chapstick: We were very laid back too! It was 100% her decision to end the friendship and it left my husband very shell-shocked when it should have been a really happy time for both of us. Luckily for his sanity, and our health as a couple, he let this girl go fairly quickly after that.
I lost my best friend's (a.k.a. the bride) friendship earlier this year too, but I think my reason for pulling out of the bride's wedding was more than resonable. You can read the details in my previous thread, but in a nutshell, I was her MOH and she had no other BM. I pulled out of her wedding 5 months before the event because my dad fell servely ill and I needed to be there for him and my family. She got pissed off and wouldn't/couldn't understand why I had to put all my focus on my family while dad was in the ICU (he is currently on a heart transplant list now).
We initially found some common understanding towards the middle of March, but when I told her that I may be late for the drinks portion of her bachelorette party (FYI...I would have been driving from out of town on a Friday night...I wasn't going to assume that she would allow me to sleep over at her apartment after our major conflict and that is why I factored in the possiblity of arriving late), but that I make it for dinner and clubbing afterwards, she flipped out on me (again) and told me that if I can't even fully attend her bachelorette party, then don't bother coming at all. The next day she de-friended me on FB and I haven't heard from since that day (her last email to me was this past March). I didn't get a chance to relpy back because my dad was in the hospital for months. Luckily, he just returned home 3 weeks ago! :)
Just like 1 of the bees on this thread, now that my dad's health seems to be stable, I finally had the time to really focus on what happened with the bride. I needed to say my peace because I was "stuck" and mourning our friendship even though I didn't do anything wrong. I DIDN"T do this on purpose! :( I didn't pull out at MoH on purpose. She walked away from a 11 year friendship over this situation. It's really sad how some women go temporarly "crazy" and think their wedding is more important than a parent's health.
Anyway, I finally wrote her an email back, just this past weekend, after all these months to say my peace. I feel A LOT better now. In case any other bee is in a similar situation and need some closure with their former best friend, please feel free to use my email as a template. I know she isn't going to reply back because she feels as if I abandoned her.
Isn't it sad that a wedding can end SO many friendships? They say that it brings a person's true colors out. In my situation, if my dad didn't get sick OR if the bride's wedding took place later this year or even next year (instead of her June 2010 wedding), then we would both still be in each other's lives. It's just strange how life works out, huh? It's for the best though.
Dear [bride's name],
I write this email as my way of respectfully saying good-bye to our friendship. I was surprised at the fact that you chose to abruptly end our friendship. I think it's a sad way to end a friendship that, at least to me, was so meaningful. You stated having nothing more to say to me in your last email this past March. You made your choice of ending our friendship and never looking back. I accept your decision. However, I believe it's only fair that I have the chance to say my peace. I'm writing this email to get closure for myself so that I will easily reflect back on my life and smile at the friendship we once had.
It never dawned upon me, during our 11 year friendship, that it bothered you whenever I complained about my family. I wish I knew, prior to our fall out, that my venting about my family caused you uneasiness. Reflecting back on it all, maybe I should have been more sensitive about talking/venting about my family.
I understand now why you didn't understand why it was so important for me to stand by my family even though I was venting about them this past year. I forgive you for not understanding why I had to fully be there for my dad, mom, and [my brother's name] from the moment that dad was put into the ICU at [hospital name] in January.
I hope you will some day be able to understand and forgive me for my actions that contributed to the fall out of our 11 year friendship. I feel at peace knowing that, through your marriage with [husband's name] and eventually the birth of your children, you now have the caring family that you've always deserved.
I hope you & your new family live a long, joyous, and healthy life.
Best wishes,NATO
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When I got engaged I instantly asked my best friend since 3rd grade to be my MOH and she agreed. She never really played much part in planning, we didnt really talk much about wedding stuff, mostly cause she never seemed that interested. But that's okay, not everyone's a wedding person. She also seemed to resent when my one BM wanted to throw a bridal shower and wanted her help in planning. According to BM she would often not show to meetings or do what she said (ex. the shower invites never made it out...) So I was feeling a little upset leading up the wedding, kind of feeling like somehow she wasn't really the best friend I thought I had. We've known each other forever and though our lives have gone in different directions we still made time for eachother (at least I made time and listened to her excuses)
But a month before the wedding she tells me casually she can't go. Doesn't really apologize or make much of a big deal about it. Maybe I'm selfish but I'd feel a lot better if she'd something like "I'm so sorry, I know this sucks, What can I do to make it up to you?" But none of that. Since she never even bought her dress I have a hard time thinking she ever planned on going... Now its a month after the wedding and I still haven't heard from her. She hasn't called to ask how the wedding went, congratulated on facebook, sent a gift or a note, nothing. I feel like she showed me pretty clearly that she doesn't want to be my friend anymore and I'm stupid for clinging on. I don't want to make first contact because honestly I don't know what to say or if I'll feel like a stupid clingy friend. Advice....please?