Two days ago I had my friend (S), her husband and their new baby over for dinner. It was a perfectly lovely evening until after dinner when my FI and her husband went off to play video games and S brought out a board game she had brought with her. Normally I love board games, but this one was asking for trouble. I think it was called Dilemma, and to move forward you had to answer questions like "You find out that your brother-in-law has cheated on your pregnant sister. You know it was only a one time thing and he is very remorseful. Do you tell your sister knowing that she will leave him?". You could refuse to answer, but then you had to move back.
Anyway, it was fun at first, and really made you think, but then I came to what I thought was a simple question: "Your house is on fire right now, of all those present who do you save?". My answer: "my cat, obviously". I love my FI, but my kitty is my baby and I could not live with myself if I abandoned him in a burning building.
At that point S got a weird look on her face and said: "I'd save my baby." Of course she would, that natural and I told her so. We tried to continue playing, but suddenly she said "would you really save your cat? I mean if the house caught on fire now, with all of us inside, you'd save your cat?" I said yes and she lost it.
First she said how immature I was who'd try to save my cat instead of her baby, and then pointed out that I could just buy a new cat if I lost the one I have. At that point I made the mistake of saying that if my cat was replaceable with a similar one, so was her baby. It was stupid thing to say, though I do believe it, on a very basic level to be true. (My cat is 3, he has personality, her baby is 3 weeks, he's just a smelly snot machine at this point).
At that point S was shouting at me and crying hysterically. She dragged her husband out and left. My FI told me not to worry, that it was probably just the hormones of a new mum, and that I should just call her and apologise. Which I tried to do yesterday.
S sounded so cold on the phone and after listening to my apology, she demanded that I acknowledge that her baby is worth more than my cat. I couldn't say that (because to me that's not true). She then told me to go straight to hell and hung up.
So, there we have it. A 15 year friendship down the pan over a few careless words.
Thanks for listening, writing it all out has made me feel better.
Wow. It sounds as though she was very sensitive about this topic and really shouldn't have kept asking if she wasn't going to like the answer - especially because it was just a hypothetical question anyway!
I would have answered very much as you did, because I would assume that she (the mother of the baby) would attempt to save the child. Both of your significant others would have been able to escape under their own steam, so the only thing of any importance that didn't have someone to rescue it from the fire was your cat!
To be honest, I don't think there's much you can do except apologise, which you have done, and let it go. If she thinks a stupid game is worth losing your friendship over, then how strong was this friendship to begin with?
ETA - If I were in that situation I would try to save my dogs. Obviously, if there were someone in the house unable to get out under their own steam, or if someone were incapacitated, then I would try to rescue them. But generally I assume that other adult humans will recognise the dangers of a burning house and know where to go, whereas a child or animal may not.
Wow. As someone who loves my cat and carries it around the world with me, I would definitely still save DH. However, your truth is your truth, and that's valid.
Does your friend usually judge others so quickly? Does she usually refuse to respect the view others? If not, then maybe it is hormones, lack of sleep, and all of the changes in her life. She is going through a big adjustment. That, however, does not make her behavior ok. It sounds like she behaved atrociously, and very smuggly.
I think with big life milestones, its really important to remember that it's never as important to anyone else as it is to YOU. Weddings, babies, etc.
That said, I think was callous and unnecessary to say that about her baby. I'm glad you apologized.
I think she just have post pregnancy hormones running around her system making her a little bit more sensitive to the issue.
But I would have answered the same way as you did. My cat is blind and wouldn;t know how to get out whilst my DH is an able bodied man who could get himself out of the house easily. Of course if he was hurt then I would have the cat under one arm (or him holding it if conscious) whilst I drag him out. Same for any human injured or hurt but if everyone was ok then yes my cat comes first.
What?! I totally understand you!
To you, your cat is your baby. Why would you save her baby over yours? I know that some people don't see animals as family, but I do. My animals have personalities, what makes them less significant than a person? Not everyone has the same priorities as her.
My husband would be able to get out of the house just fine. My dog and cat would not. I don't blame you in the slightest for your decision but I would not have defended my actions to my friend.
The rational part of me says, "Your friend is having some serious post-pregnancy hormone mood swings."
The irrational part of me goes, "Your friend is crazy."
I think it's mostly hormones on her part, as I said, her son is only three weeks old, and I assume it takes a bit longer than that to get back to normal. However, I'm afraid that what I said will always be unforgivable to her. And what she tried to force me to say, maybe I can forgive it, but I'm not sure. It just feels like she was trying to force me to say that my feeling were wrong, and hers were right.
My feelings are my feelings even if they're stupid to others. (Oh, and I absolutely would try to save both my FI, S and her baby and her husband if the house was on fire, but only once I was sure my cat was safe.)
The comment your FI made about the hormones reminds me so much of the movie Knocked Up. "You know what, I know this isnt you talking, its your hormones, but I would just like to say, FUCK YOU, HORMONES, YOU ARE A CRAZY BITCH, HORMONES--not Alison, HORMONES. Fuck em. Its a girl, buy some pink shit."
Seriously though, your friend is crazy.
Honestly, I friggen love my cats. I'd rather save them over a friends baby. I know that sounds bad.
She pulled the friggen game out this is all on her. I honestly can't stand hyper sensitive people. I got in trouble for something similar at work the other day. Stuff a sock in it people. tibbs it's your life don't need to apologize for what you value.
It was rude of her to make a big thing out of the fact that you said you would save your cat. She seems like a drama queen.
In truth I probably would grab another person's baby before I grabbed my pet but that's only upon considered reflection, I could easily answer "my pet" in a spur of the moment in the middle of a board game. And, sometimes we do things we don't even expect we'd do in the actual heat of the moment, so none of us really knows for sure.
The board game was meant to be lighthearted and she took it way, wayyyyy too seriously.
Honestly, to me it appears this friend is going to expect you to make her baby as important to you as it is to her. I do like my friends kids, because well, their parents are my friends. Do I want to hold and play with the kids or have much in general to do with them? No. I really only like to deal with kids when they old enough to rationalize, have a conversation, and don't drool, puke, poop, and pee all over you. Bodily fluids aren't my strong point, no matter how cute or related to me the person is.
I think your friend is being ridiculous. It was just a board game. She's probably one of those people who thinks you shouldn't be upset if a spouse dies because you "can just get another one," and it's nothing compared to "losing a child" -blah blah nonsense. She's lucky I wasn't playing because I would save the pets and the spouse way before someone else's kids because to me, you can "always have another one." Perhaps this is why I'm never having children lol.
If the house was seriously on fire and there was no way for your friend and her husband to get the child out, but I could, I would grab the baby first.. THEN go get my cat. This is coming from a crazy cat obsessed lady! However, considering she would probably be able to get herself and her child out, her husband would be able to get out by himself, and your FI would probably be able to walk himself out, I would say saying that you would get your cat out first is an okay thing to say..
However when you called to apologize, I wouldn't have believed you were sincere, either, when you couldn't say that you would save a child. I love my cat to death, believe me. He is my baby. I just have to believe that whenever I have human children they would be more important to me, so I can see where she would flip out... but her rational thinking is probably out of wack and that's why she couldn't see herself as saving her own kid.
Wow. She took the game a bit too seriously didnt she? If she was sitting there perfectly able to pick up her child while your house was on fire (which she likely would with all that maternal stuff) why wouldn't you get your cat?
No pets aren't people (even though some think they are) but they're still family.
i would definately save my cat too. My cat is very much human in my eyes. i could never leave him in the house. I would like to think that my cat would alert me of the fire thus saving me too :)
I guess I can see both sides. Part of me wonders how this all came off, if, as you said, you believe a three week old baby is "just a smelly snot machine at this point." If that's the attitude, I could see being really upset by this. But at the same time, it was a hypothetical game, and it sounds like your friend was being way oversensitive about it.
Ok, well she is being a little crazy (it's just a game). But you have to understand, there are just things you don't say to someone who just had a baby. As in, don't suggest a new baby should be left to die in a fire.
"My cat is 3, he has personality, her baby is 3 weeks, he's just a smelly snot machine at this point" Come on now. Would you appreciate it if someone said "It's just a stupid cat, it just eats and shits all day, let it die." It goes both ways.
My advice as a new mom, let her recover from this fight and level out a bit. Being a new mother can sometimes just completely mess with your emotions, everything is magnified, and postpartum depression can make you crazy. If you're as great friends as you say you will be laughing about this eventually. Not everyone is going to see pets on the same level as humans. If this is a sensitive topic between you, best to not go down that path again.
And please don't get stuck in a burning building together.
@abbie017: +1
I think you're both really missing each other here. Hopefully you two can get back on track when everyone has calmed down because it would be a real shame for a friendship to end over this kind of misunderstanding.
Im pretty speechless that this is even a situation, but all I have to say is that she is flipping nuts.
ETA: even if she doesn't see pet = baby in your eyes, her child's safety is not your responsibility and you're not required to care about or prioritize her baby in the same way she does. Why should you care more about her family than what you consider your own?
While she did overreact (its a board game), I do understand why she would be upset that you would save your cat over her baby. I mean-if the house was buring down and no one else was there to assist you, would seriously pick up the cat and let the baby burn?
If that is how she interpreted it, then yes- I can see why she was upset.
@joya_aspera: +1, exactly, what's the point of playing a game if you're going to make a big stink over a hypothetical situation.
@Tibbs: Speaking as a mother, I really understand where your friend is coming from and don't blame her for being angry with you. And, at this stage, she's chock full of mommy hormones to boot.
Don't forget that a mother bonds with her child from practically the moment of conception and the entire 9 months of pregnancy. She's emotionally and physically connected with the life growing inside her body and the experience of giving birth can be a profoundly spiritual one, at least it was for me. The birth of my son was the first time in my life I knew my God as a personal God and not merely the "life force" and creator of the universe.
And to say a newborn human infant is a "snot machine" shows a severe lack of sensitivity, in my opinion. :\
Not cool on your part.
Try to imagine the love of a mother for her newborn infant as this - as much in love as you are with your cat, and as precious as your cat is to you - multiply that by 1,000 and you might start to get a little close to understanding the mother-child bond.
You owe her an apology. I hope you two can patch things up.
@Tibbs: That's horrible, she's most likely emotional right now and her new baby is the most important thing in the world to her. She can't imagine that her baby isn't going to be everyone's priority too. Give her time to cool off, and then try the apology again, hopefully she will understand that your cat is very much your baby just like her child is her baby.
@Tibbs: i would have answered the same way. my goodness, it's only a game. must be the hormones. all you can do is apologize and then let her cool off about it.
Sounds like hormones and lack of sleep.
I would just lay low and let her come around all on her own. I don't think you said anything wrong. Everyone thinks differently and holds different things dear. Just let it go, live your life and she will eventually calm down. I wouldn't bother contacting her again. I would just send her a Christmas card or something... just so she knows you are thinking of her.
No one knows what they are going to do in a moment of panic, not until they experience one.
@Tibbs: I'm on your side. Everyone responds to what means more to them - for you, it's your cat. You don't have a baby, but you have a furrbaby, as do I. So if it came to that, and my FH was fine and could get out of the house by himself while my furrbaby was stuck in a corner about to be fried, I would save him without even thinking about it.
Your friend needs to understand that it is all relative. Her baby is not yours, and you don't have child. The question was asked to you, and since all of them would be there obviuosly she would save her baby - why are you supposed to say "I'd save your baby" when his mother will be there to do just that!
I understand how she's angry but she needs to chill the f*ck out, this isn't real life it's just a board game. Everyone shouldn't be expected to leave everything behind for her precious.
I'd say from now on just keep conversations light and fluffy with this woman.
EDIT: I'd apologize for calling the baby a "snot machine that can be replaced" but not for not ranking him more important than your cat - that's the truth in this case and you should stick to it.
@KatyElle: What if someone told me my cat was worthless? Well, people tell me that frequently, usually with nothing more than a shoulder shrug from me in return. The most recent person to tell me this was on Sunday, when S suggested that the proper thing to do would be to save her child instead of my cat.
BTW, I don't think her child is replaceable, I never thought that. But my cat isn't replaceable either. And that was the point I was trying to make to her.
@missmorganista: I was regretful when I rang, I acknowledged that I had gone too far. I did not ask for the same acknowledgement from her. In short, I was prepared to be the bad guy for the sake of our friendship. But I'm not going to out and out lie to her: her child is not and will never be more important to me than my cat.
I understand that to S her child is the most important thing in her life, I'm not asking her to change her opinion or acknowledge my cat as equally important as her child to her. All I was asking was that she respect my feelings on the matter, she seems to believe that this is an insult to her.
your friend is 3weeks post partum and obviously her world currently revolves around her baby. It was wrong of her to judge you based on your answer to a hypothetical question in a game she brought over in the first place. Personally I agree with you that if a cat is so replaceable then so is her baby, but I probably wouldn't have said that out loud to her. Give her some time to cool down and try calling again.
@Tibbs: Well, hypothetical question for you then (and this isn't at all trying to be a jerk). IF you were in a burning building, with just you, your cat, and the baby, would you leave the baby and save the cat? If your answer is yes, then honestly, maybe she's reading into the fact that she couldn't trust you around her child.
@Tibbs: I'm really lucky that my best friend adores my son very much and thinks of him as her own son. She's never had children (never wanted them) but she loves her friends' kids deeply.
I understand how you feel about your cat, I really do. Try to see how much you've hurt her, though. A new mom is so vulnerable and every little tiny thing makes you cry, even stupid sentimental commercials on TV made me bawl like an idiot when I was pregnant and immediately after giving birth. You caused your friend emotional PAIN by what you said. Try to really get that.
I'm sure once she simmers down a little she'll come around, this situation is nothing to end a friendship over. But what you've done is quell a little of her enthusiasm when the reality struck her that you really do not value her newborn baby. Or, you don't seem to value him. If you can really get how much you've hurt her with your carelessness maybe you can turn this around. She obviously needs you to get this before she'll be willing to forgive you.
I'm not trying to be too hard on you, but if this friendship is really important to you you won't care as much about how you're feeling right now - and keep trying to justify yourself - you'll attempt to have some sensitivity where you dear friend is concerned. Or your friendship may not recover.
@Tibbs: This game sounds like trouble, but it also sounds like she took it far too seriously. It's a game. The house isn't on fire. Yeesh. I understand that the baby is incredibly important to her, and that it'll someday have a life of its own and will be its own unique person and whatever... but it's a game, not a test. Jeez.
I wonder if there's something else going on in her life right now, like maybe she's not feeling the support she'd like with the baby from some other important people and is taking it out on you. :/
@Tibbs: MY CAT IS NOT REPLACABLE!!!!!!!!! I totally feel you on that.
But also... IT'S A GAME. I think saving your cat is legit, but even if it was ridiculous or sarcastic, WHO CARES? If she's that sensitive, you're better off distancing yourself.
And also... this board game, does it belong to her? If so, definitely leave the board game in the fire... she never needs to play this game again.
@lanalnoco: I agree... if I were playing this with my friend, and her answer was "screw you all, I'm getting myself out and running as fast as I can" I wouldn't be offended. I would laugh and take the next turn, because it's a game and the house isn't on fire.
It's a gammmme. If she was going to judge your answers in a controversial game, why did she bring it?
Very quickly to everyone: I did not call her child a snot machine to her face. I did not say that I consider him more replaceable than my cat to her face. I said that here, never, NEVER to her. Okay? All I said to her was that if my cat is replacable, so is her child, with the meaning that neither of them is replaceable really.
@kvliner: And also... this board game, does it belong to her? If so, definitely leave the board game in the fire... she never needs to play this game again.
LOL, my FI called it "the divorce maker".
I agree with this. I would assume that the GROWN adults would be able to leave on their own will and that the baby's mom would grab it up in an instance. The question didnt say everyone would die.. it just asked who you would save. Thinking logically those people have legs and no hinderences and the cat probabaly wouldn't understand what was going on.
A 15 year friendship is a VERY long time to be friends and even though I'm taking your side, if you want to remain friends I would say explain to her, thoroughly, your thought process behind your answer. No you don't owe her anything, but is a friendship that long worth it? She also may be experiencing some CRAZY hormones. You definitely have the right to your answer and belief as much as she does to hers.. but its just that. Your own opinions... she does need to let it go.
I would save any baby/human over any animal, and if I were your friend I would be extremely offended too and imagine that would be the end of the friendship. (I love my dogs but I hold human life in much higher regard).
An apology only counts for something if you truly mean it. It doesn't sound like you did, and it's ok to have your own values, but it is also ok for friends to end a friendship over them. I have lost two friends over the years due to a difference in values (one drink drove regularly and one cheated on a friend and asked me to lie).
This topic has been closed to new replies.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| Minae | 5 |
| sofiekitty | 3 |
| justvonne | 2 |
| mrskrumpet | 2 |
| princessggg | 2 |
| virgomasala80 | 2 |
| Holly77 | 2 |
| littleacorn | 2 |
| julies1949 | 1 |
| Golden Ticket | 1 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| littleacorn | 2 |
| bmo88 | 1 |
