- 5 years ago
Hi all, I’m annon for this one. Sorry that it will be a long one. I am an idiot..FI told me I was and now I’m realising I truly am.
My 2nd worst fear is coming true…I think I need to call off my engagement…(first biggest fear was if he cheated).
BACKSTORY: FI and I have been together for 4 years. When we first started dating, he was 26 and very immature. I was living at college, he was 45 minutes away at his own apartment. All he did was drink and go to bars…ALL the time, I even caught him standing outside of a bar once flirtting with another girl. On top of that, he would lie and tell me he was asleep but really he would be out. I would catch him not just looking at porn but, signing up for adult porn sites..the ones you make a profile with and meet up with locals. He never met up with them, I really think it was just for the porn but still…upsetting. Since then, porn has been a huge issue in our relationsip. Another huge issue was his ex gf. We would run into her when we would go out and I played nice (I didnt have a problem with her). One day we were fixing his bed frame and under his bed I found (with him standing right there…no snooping), a box of her memorbila. Fine, whatever..how about you throw most of it away (such as the raunchy love notes talking about sex),,,and just keep a few pictures or ticket stubs and throw it up in a closet to get dusty, whatever. He told me he threw out all the stuff. Well, I was putting his laundry away and found the pictures from the box in his sock drawer next to the bed. So not only did he lie, but he put them where he could readily access them. Once we went out and he had great body language with me then once she walked in the door, he ignored me. His sister was/is close to her and flat out told me she wished he was still with her. Just a bunch of odd things I learned about this girl and their relationship that made me second guess if he was over her. (No he didnt jump inot our relationship right after her, he had dated other girls inbetween). These dont sound like a big deal but it was more than those instances but I dont feel like typing every little thing…fast forward 2 years or so and he gets facebook and friends her. I told him I didnt think it was appropriate bc fb is an avenue for trouble and with the past they had and with the issues she brought to our relaitonship, I didnt like the idea. Well, he not only went against my wishes and friended her, he liked all her pictures and was messaging her. All the time we dated, I had this intuition that he still had feelings for her. I can tell you, not one of my exs have I cared to talk to after we broke up, I mean not even the ones that ended on good terms, I just dont care..whats done is done. Plus, he said she cheated and they ended badly. Well, one of his friends that knew the two of them, told me HE cheated. Anyway, so we fought over him messaging her..I told him that he needed to figure out if he wanted me or her. In the middle of all this…we had designed an e-ring..we were waiting for it to come in. So we desinged the ring, a week later I found out he was talking to her (inviting her to hang out) and liking all her fb stuff so then I told him to figure his crap out. So we had a low point…stopped hanging out, still text and talked on the phone but we were “thinking”..well, he started to fight for me back so I started to go back to him, only to find out that he HAD been hanging out with her (I asked him and he lied and said he didnt hang out with her) AND..he sent her 2 dozen roses. When I found out he sent her the roses, I emailed her and she admitted to all of it and said she told him she just got out of a realtionship and wasnt ready but wanted to hang out. So HE WAS pursuing her. To be honest, if it was any other girl during our “figure it out” time, I wouldve been ok with it…but it was “her” and she caused so many problems and I always just KNEW there was something off about her/him. So I found this out and stopped talking to him altogethr. So…after finding out that my intution was true, that he DID still have feelings for her enough to pursue her, I stopped talking to her. Idc what anyone says, if your not interested in someone, you dont send them 2 dozen roses! (not the cheap kind, the like $80 deliver kind)
So..a few weeks goes by and I caved. His mom sat me down and said she has never seen him so low, that he told her how bad he screwed up, she knew everything. She told me he would come crying to her, etc. (he does not confide in his mom often). Ok, so I thought I would talk to him. So we hung out..started repairing things. He was AWESOME, he was sweet to me, didnt belittle me/talk down to me like before, he didnt shut my feelings down like he had previously, he was going to church, talking about God, talking to pastors, praying with me, he was complimenting me (never does that and knows it bothers me)..I mean, he was the exact guy I wanted. So…a couple months goes by of this and he proposes. We have now been engaged almost 6 months and guess what….
He is back to his same A-HOLE self. Dont get me wrong, he really is a good man, works hard, cares about people, etc BUT..he is so disrespectful to me. Just me. Yesterday he called me an idiot (sometimes he called me stupid), he tells me “whatever” when I tell him I’m feeling a certain way and also tells me to “get over it” or “put your big girl panties on”. Tells me I’m lazy and a joke. I know he is under a lot of pressure bc he is working two jobs to pay for the wedding and I had to quit my jobs bc I was having anxiety attacks and was miserable. I have been applying to a ton of jobs EVERYDAY, I’m NOT being lazy. I put my student loans on forbearance so I dont have to pay them, my car is paid off and I dont have rent to pay (neither does he for now..not for another couple months). I have money to get by until I find a job but he told me “I’m not giving you another dime until you get a GD job”. I asked him to pay my loan twice while I was at the crappy job and for the record, he was on umemployment for a year and I helped him pay his $400 car payment.
So…last night I went to stay at my parents bc I was very upset bc he had told me to pack my things and go. I told him the way he was making me feel was miserable and I already suffer from anxiety and seasonal depression and he was being very hard on me. So today he text me asking if I was coming back, I said I didnt know bc he didnt make me feel welcome after basically kicking me out. We fought throughout the day then stopped talking. I text him at 9 asking what he was up to and he said he was at his friends house. Now bees, I dont care if he hangs out with his friends BUT, this particular friend hates me and has voiced that, he is vile, rascist, sexist, cusses like a salior and openly talks about “fuc*ing girls”, its endless. Well, when we first broke up, FI hung out with this guy ALL THE TIME…bars, casinos, parties…which I would be fine with except if this guy opening (in front of me) is a pig at a bar trying to pick up girls and tries to get my SO to do the same IN FRONT OF ME then duh, if I’m not there, he is being a pig and trying to get SO to follow suit.
When we got back together, FI told this guy that he is still friends but needs to focus on us bc he doesnt want single life anymore (bars, girls, etc)…well, everytime in the past when SO and I fought, he would go out with this particular friend. So we are fighting right now, and guess where he is, with this friend. And, if I wouldnt have asked, he wouldnt have told me. Idc that he is with him, I care that he goes running to him everytime we fight. If he wants me to trust this friend, this friend who doesnt respect our relationship, then he needs to show me that this guy is nice and not just his bar friend when he is mad at me. I dont get it. So tonight, I told him that I am bothered that he only goes to this friend when he is mad at me and he said “whatever”…well, we got into a text fight (childish I know)…then he wouldnt answer his phone call or text at all. When he did finally answer me he was short and acting weird then went back to not saying anything. He did say he was with all guys but knowing this one friend, I do not trust that. AND, one of the other friends he said he was with, has to work at 4 am and is married and lives an hour from the house they are at, I KNOW that his other friend is NOT there now at 1:00am. So I text his wife asking if danny made it home bc the guys were drinking and if they heard from FI to tell him to call me bc I was worried. I know, not the best thing to do but we are all friend couples and look out for each other. She is well aware of the guys drinking and shenanigans and has talked with me before about same issues. Well, I havent heard from her or her husband so now Im questioning if FI lied about where he is and who he is with. He knows I trust his married friend so part of me thinks he said he was with him just to be safe.
Well, its now 1:15am, FI is not answering and is NOT home. He gets up for work at 6am tomorrow and has to work till like 8pm (two jobs)…PLUS, I have a suspicion that he skipped his second job tonight to go drink. Mind you, he is normally in bed by 9pm every night. I just have a bad feeling and I’m sorry but if he stays out all night and doesnt come home…that is a HUGE no-no! You dont do that when your engaged/married! Single life is over buddy! And…if he were drunk and needed to stay the night then thats one thing but out of respect for me, he should at least tell me he wont be home. I am worried, scared.
I am humilated that I went back to him, now he is acting like the same guy who went after his ex. Treating me like crap, disregarding me and having no respect for us or me. I feel so unappreciated, unwanted. I’m probably leaving out a ton of info bc I’m typing as fast as my heart is racing….
I cant marry into this. I cant marry someone who has so little respect for me. When all is said and done, my parents will have paid over $25K for this wedding. I went back to him when I shouldnt have…I knew all along that it wasnt 100% ‘right’. My family loves him though and my mom was like pro-FI when we took time apart bc she thought we were ‘meant to be’…problem is, I do love him but he doesnt fufill my needs. I struggle with depression and when I am down, he belittles me and tell me to get over it, he never makes me feel pretty, my emotional needs arnt met. I have shoved aside my need to feel ‘special’ just bc he says he isnt vocal about his feelings…even though he was when he tried to get me back and DID compliment me everday when he was pursuing me. He isnt a horrible guy and we do have fun together and he is my best friend BUT…at times, he is down right mean to me. His brothers are the same way with their wives. Once time his brother came to FI apartment and stayed the night to ‘prove a point’ to his wife and make her worry that he didnt come home all night..now FI is doing the same to me.
I am so humilated I want to move out of the state and not face anyone.
Please no harsch comments…I am feeling very fragile and down right now..