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well she is a jerk for saying that but usually weddings are where you bring a gate so i can see where she would have an issue... usually a small wedding is close family and friends and their dates.. to not let the wedding party bring a date is a little weird but she still shouldnt have said that... Im the kind of girl that will say oh yeah? Ok bye!
@slydon: Yeah totally. I told my fiance about it and he agrees that it's a shame. I totally understand where she's coming from, but we made this guest list a long time ago befoer i knew that they'd be all serious and I didn't know it was standard to bring a date. oh well. I'll just have to say Bye too! haha :)
I think you're wrong for not letting her have a date, but she is way out of line more so than you since she is blackmailing you.
This isn't a friend! Get rid of her.
@Atalanta: I think it is ok for the couple to decide who can and can not come. My FI and I are on a tight budget and we have told singles on our website that we can not extend a personal guest to them. We do not have the money. Maybe this OP is in the same position
@MyLittleTurtleDove: How has your relationship with her been? Her emotionally blackmailing you is not nice. I would offer her the option of paying for her own boyfriend since you are at your maximum.
@LuvMySailor: We are in the same position. We're on a tight budget, and we decided a long time ago who could come and we've stuck to that list. We simply cannot accomodate everyone especially since the reception hall at the hotel is rather small and intimate.
It's sad that this is even happening. It's saying alot about who she is, that she would put her boyfriend before her friend, espcially on the day of her wedding. I'm surprised that she's making it about her, when a Maid of Honor's job is to be there for the bride.
I guess If i'm going to be honest, we haven't really talked in a long time just because of time and life schedules. I choose her to be my maid of honor because at the time she was the only candidate I could think of, however as time has evolved so have my feelings and my mothers has put in her input that I should have just had a family member (one of my cousins) be my maid of honor.
I agree that your maid of honor is throwing a trantum, however she has a point if that she feels hurt that her date cannot come. How long have they been dating? If it has been more than 8 months consequtively than invite him
I understand your issue with the budget and stuff, but try to think from her point of view. If they are serious, maybe it's a little weird to not let them be together at your event. Maybe I am weird like that, but when we started dating with my now fiance, we attached to each other very fast and it felt impossible to go places apart from each other. We went everywhere together, and still do. We went to pick a dress together, to buy wedding decor, we go to get us haircuts and color for me together, and he would stick at the salon for ours waiting for me...To keep it short, my point is, maybe she got a good reason to be with him at your wedding.
@MyLittleTurtleDove: Honestly, it speaks VOLUMES that she would choose to pitch a fit over being able to bring a guy to your wedding. This wedding is about celebrating with you and your FI. If I were a friend's MOH and my FI couldn't come for reasons of space, etc. I would have no problem with that, and neither would he. I would be there for my friend. It's ONE DAY.
I say do whatever you need to do. If you feel you would like to replace her maybe you and she should have a serious talk. Let her know how her actions are making you feel.
@Mrs.tobe: Thank you, I agree with you...someone who really cares about their friend wouldn't have a problem with it. I am seriously considering replacing her. This emotional blackmail is making me feel like I did something seriously wrong, when I know I didn't.
the difference is that she sin't single, she has a b/f new relationship or not. It's ok to tell people not to bring a random friend but a b/f. This is her MOH, supposedly her best friend and you won't let their b/f go? I think it is quite rude. Her MOH is also being quite rude with the blackmail, though, one of them needs to suck it up and i don't think either will, bye bye frindship.
it is wrong not to let your MOH invite her b/f. This way you're underminging her relationship. You're pretty much saying "I don't care about your relationship or to have a relationship with your b/f." If this girl is your best friend you should want to be friends with him and not exclude him from big events. How awkward will it be later if you hang out with your best friends as a couple? Worse yet, lets say she marries this guy down the line and tells you no hubby at her wedding. Why would you want to complicate your relationship so much with your supposed bff? It's quite selfish of you. Put yourself into her shoes. I think people are seriously kidding themselves when they say they wouldn't care if their SO's were not invited and deliberately excluded. it's easy to say it wouldn't bother them and they understand but it would.
I'm not excusing her, and if it was me I'd suck it up and go w/out my b/f but I'd prob end our relationship, since you obviously don't care about my life. (B/f are a huge part of people's lives).
As someone who is on a tight budget, and I mean 25 people contracted only, you are not wrong at all. People argue that it is not fair for you to not invite him, but is it fair for her to cost you money? One person can make a HUGE difference. I added a grandma and the total went up by over 300 dollars. It does make a difference and it is not her day, it is yours. Why put yourself in further debt, no matter how miniscule? For a boyfriend? Stick with your guns. You are not in the wrong here.
You aren't in the wrong here, I totally understand about the budget/limit on space for more people to come. I mean he may just be one, but then what about the next "one more person" and so on? That isn't right of her to throw such a fit especially since the invite is to her only, so she knew then that he wasn't invited. Why do people not understand that everything is not always about them. I'm sorry your having this headache, good luck with everything.
BEES: I write my "advice" without prejudice and with total objectivity; it is not a personal attack on any individual's personal opnion, now or in the future. my opinion is my opinion - and that doesn't make it neither right or wrong.
@MyLittleTurtleDove: honestly honey, if i were you i'd stick to my guns! and i wouldn't give anyone credit for making me feel like i'm doing something wrong. the line is very blurred in regards to inviting significant others, and in my opinion, a b/f is not sufficient in making the list! If the couple is married, engaged or living together - then yes, it would be immoral to not invite the SO, since the couple's relationship status is deemed serious. that said, if you're MOH felt she was serious with her beau, she should have approached you in the early stages of your wedding planning.
personally, i wouldn't cave in just because "society" says I should, or "just in case" she ends up marrying him and I might feel bad; just like there is a possibility that she may marry him in the future, there is the possibility that she may break up with him, and then you are left with photos/memories of a stranger at your intimate wedding. again...INTIMATE wedding. that's a risk i'd rather not take (whether she is paying for him or not!) - if MOH can't suck it up for one day, you need to sit down and have a nice, long chat and work out where you both stand.
GOOD LUCK! xox
@Atalanta: I completely agree with you!
While I think your MOH is going about this the wrong way, I would almost find it insulting that you wouldn't let me bring my significant other. Especially if we've been dating for a pretty long time. I was in a friend's wedding, and while she invited both my now husband and I to her wedding, I had to go to the rehearsal dinner alone. That was a total bummer. And while I want to be happy for the couple and not cause any issues, it's not exactly fun to go to a wedding when your significant other is sitting at home. Weddings are always more fun with you SO.
I think you should reconsider.
I understand where you're coming from and I agree with you. I'm having a dinner smaller than yours and I told my MOH if she doesnt have a bf for at least 6 months prior she isn't bringing someone. My FI's brother got married last year and since we weren't married I couldn't come to cut costs. they were only allowing spouses to attend and not "plus 1s" (even though weve been together several years). I lived, so will she.
You're totally right here. I do hope you put your foot down and not cave.
Well, I think her handling of the situation is immature and worthy of a dumping BUT...
I've been the MOH without a date and the dinner is fine, then you pretty much sit alone the rest of the night or butt in on other couples. SO, why don't you insist there is no room at dinner according to budget then invite him for the dance part. Best compromise possible?
I know this goes againt some of the posts above but refusing to go to a wedding without an SO really annoys me.
Unless you don't know a single person there then I think its selfish to ask a couple to pay for someone they are not that close to.
Small intimate weddings should be just that, small and intimate! And if that means that she needs to spend one day without her SO then I don't think that is a big ask.
Would you kick up a fuss about not being allowed to take a date to you work christmas party (funded by your company) - NO!
Given the circumstances, she's asked if he can come (fair enough), you've said no (also fair enough), there is a chance there will be space if someone else declines but leave it at that. You could have him at night - like someone above said, I think that is more than fair on your part.
@kittybee:Amen!
@Taurus_17:I think that's a great compromise!
I have been MOH in three weddings in the past year and although I haven't had this problem, I'd be pretty ticked off if a) You were my close friend but didn't know my relationship was serious, if you two are close maybe this is the kind of thing she would have felt you'd have known, and b) Been ticked off that having realized you weren't sure you didn't ask her when making the list "oh we weren't sure about so and so, would you like is to invite him?" if she is important to you you might have asked rather than just making assumptions.
A friend of mine and close friend of the brides was really hurt that her bf of two years wasn't invited to the wedding - because the bride just decided she didn't know how serious they were and just assumed it wasn't serious and didn't ask. I am not saying you need to be at the mercy of your guestlist but their friendship has definately suffered because she felt like if they were such good friends, the bride would have known or asked.
I think the way she is reacting is a little much but I don't think it's fair that she shouldn't express her upset with you instead of being expected to suck it up and be stoic about it. As your MOH, I'd assume she's put/is expected to put a lot of time and effort into your day and if you already added 10 people but can't extend the courtesy to her then I can see why she's want to express it.
Bottom line, this woman isn't even best friend. Reading the original post, she chose her because she was the best choice, not because she is close to her.
Adding "one more person" means more food, cake, and a wedding favor.
Do you have a cousin you are close to and love? Call her up and replace that MOH.
@MyLittleTurtleDove: You were wrong for not letting her bring her bf. But the way she handled it was also wrong. One of you needs to suck it up and since you are the host, I think it should be you.
Gonna have to say she should get to bring him. Why? Simple after everything she does and how involved she is as your MOH she should get a plus one. I would be equally insulted if the bride refused to invite my partner seeing how I'm (in theroy) her "closest" friend.
If I was your MOH and spent tons of money and time helping you prepare for your special day and I was snubbed a guest (esp. from a serious relationship), I would be pissed too. To me, it is rude to expect so much from a person and not give them that extra little shred of courtesy in return. I would not be happy if I was her, either. HOWEVER, if I was close enough to you to be your MOH, I would not let that fact get in the way of standing with you on your wedding day.
Bottom line, you've both made mistakes. I think it would be gracious of you to rectify the situation by adding 1 more person, if possible. It's not like it would be opening the floodgates, it would be a nice favor for the person who has probably helped you most in this time.
Okay, I think most people are missing the fact that when she made the guestlist, she didn't know they were serious. I have a bigger wedding so I'll just have added him but if I had a smaller wedding, well, I still might have being as my MOH would have been either my sister or my bestie from when I was 10. Not worth the fallout IMO. I should mention that neither of my ladies would have said they wouldn't be in my bridal party if their bf's don't come.
It's not all about your MOH and its never appropriate as an adult to throw a tantrum like that. Do realize though...it can be kind of hurtful to have your own SO excluded when you are putting time and money and effort into being in a wedding.
I was MOH in my old roommate's/friend's wedding a little over a year ago, and she didn't invite my boyfriend (now FI). I was honestly kind of upset about it. She had known FI almost as long as she had known her now husband, AND she and FI are friends. If he had been my flavor of the week that she'd never met, that would have been one thing, but we were all going on 6 years by that point! Plus, it was not an expensive or space limited wedding.
However, I chose not to say anything. We are still close and she actually helped FI plan my own engagement about a year later, and she will be in my wedding (though not my MOH). I came to realize that some things are just worth letting go. I got over it...hopefully your MOH will too.
I think it is weird that I have to invite total strangers to my biggest day.. and pay for them to be there... just because they ar dating someone I do know...
@Atalanta: I think you are being a little harsh. MyLittleTurtleDove wrote that at the time she put the guest list together she didn't think they were serious. I know that some people become serious quite quickly but I have to believe that they couldn't have been in a relationship for very long if MyLittleTurtleDove thought they weren't serious. Since guest lists are planned months (if not years) in advance, especially those for small weddings, MyLittleTurtleDove did the best she could with the information she had.
Also, even though now they are serious, it doesn't matter because it sounds like there really is no room for an additional person regardless of who they are. I think the OP is clearly not trying to undermine her MOH's relationship, she just doesn't have room.
Maybe a candid conversation between MyLittleTurtleDove & her maid of honor would help but it sounds like its been done. IDK though, maybe if the maid of honor knew that MyLittleTurtleDove didn't have anything against the boyfriend and didn't realize how serious the relationship was when she sent out the invites the maid of honor would be more understanding. But maybe not.
I am in a similar situation and I do NOT agree that weddings are just a place where people have to come as a couple.
I am also having a small wedding and am not inviting any "plus ones" for my best friends or my fiance's sister/brother etc - and they'll be fine! It was my choice to have only close friends and family - and that is who we invited.
Your friend has a bigger responsibility as MOH in your wedding than to entertain her boyfriend all night. I say let her throw her trantrum and get someone more mature to fill the role.
@MrsTtheArmy11: What responsibility does the MOH have during the reception? I have never been to a wedding reception where the bride and groom aren't basking in the newly married light. lol What is the MOH supposed to do, follow them around? Responsibility is to have a good time, not bother the bride and groom who are busy with their responsibilities of talking with the guests.
I understand why the MOH would be upset. But it sounds like what is done is done, there is no room, hopefully she knows other people to hang out with. I hope it doesn't cause problems in your relationship in the long run.
@MissCallieJean: I didn't say anything specifically about the reception - but, on that note I've been to many of weddings where the bridal party stays together, dances together etc., especially if they are close friends.
My main point was that it isn't absolutely necessary that the OP's friend have someone to essentially take on a date to her friends wedding. Just my opinion.
It's your wedding, not hers. Bringing a date is a perk, it's not required. If she won't come because her puppy dog boyfriend can't follow her then she needs to rethink your relationship as well as her with her boyfriend.
I'd explain to her that you want her there, but this is how things are and you don't have the space and you are very sorry she can't have him there. YOUR family comes before HER boyfriend. If she doesn't understand that then you should ask her to bow out. She is not looking out for you, she's looking out for herself.
@mylittleturtledove
Have you offered a +1 to anyone elce on your guest list? If not then you do not have to offer one to your MOH. If she knows that your guest list was planned far in advance, then there is no reason she could not have brought it up sooner, especially if she assumed her B/f would be invited.
My personal feelings are that it sucks to be her in this position. If it were me, I would rather have family and real friends be around me, especially if it is a small wedding. If she drops out, then she showed her true colors. Small weddings are FRIENDS and Family olny... not random strangers just because their dating your friend.
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to be my maid of honor.
Hello Everyone!
Just wanted to vent about an issue that I have recently encountered with my maid of honor. She wants to bring her boyfriend to the wedding, which would be perfectly alright except for the fact that it will be a sit down reception dinner at a hotel and we are contracted in for 50 people and we even had to add 10 more chairs because family keep adding on to the guest list. My fianceand i knew that we wanted a small wedding from the very beginning so we were set on making 50- 60 the limit and now that the guest list if full, we can't have anyone else on.
My maid of honor which is a close friend of mine, has told me that if she is unable to bring her boyfriend (which at the time of putting together the guest list, I did not think they were serious) would reconsider being my maid of honor because she thinks it is unfair to her. i am hurt that she would say something like that. the only way her boyfriend will be invited is if someone drops from the list and so far none have. I have told her this before, but she keeps insiting that he is worthy of being there. So, I'm in a bind.