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Ok, so I'm going crazy right now. For awhile, I was adament about not having a baby for awhile, but for some reason my thoughts have begun to shift recently, and tonight, it's on overload. I was thinking about it, and thought of a lot of reasons why we should! My mind was so absorbed on it, I totally forgot to shave when I showered tonight... Now, I can't sleep. I was all ready to talk to Mr. Joe as soon as I got out of the shower, but he was asleep already. D'oh! I don't really want to talk to my mom about it because IF (huge if) we do decide to go with this, I want it to be a big fat surprise. I can't sleep now andreally want to talk to someone about it! Ok, so. The background
I'm 21 (22 in Oct), he's 24. We've been married 2 months, but lived together for a little over a year, dated 5 years total before getting married. I know we're young, but we've been through a lot together (long distance relationship, family deaths, caring for our parents, unemployment, new jobs, etc). So, we're "old" for our age. Our age doesn't bother me at all (and my family doesn't consider it an issue at all, and I know family is a good judge of that sort of thing). Hubby finished college, but is currently working a not so great job that doesn't use his degree, but it's fairly stable and has decent health benefits. I'm currently a part time nanny and plan on returning to school August 2010. We currently have NO DEBT (yay!!) and are making the bills with a bit left over to go into savings, dinners out, etc. We don't live alone (with the inlaws, and his sister is here some of the time) and we all split the bills. I know people in worse off situations than us are having babies and making things work, so again, money isn't really too big of an issue to me (Mr. Joe will more than likely say otherwise, but, since he's asleep, we'll have to wait to see). I know we can get used baby items and clothing fairly easily. I'm not the type who would want to buy a bunch of new stuff anyway because they outgrow it so fast!
Anyway, some of my reasons.
I would like 2 kids eventually, but I want them spread out, about 5 years apart. I would also like to be a young parent so that we can enjoy some of time together when we're older. If we had one now, I would likely try to have another once I finish school, and maybe settle into a job (that would probably take about 3 years at absolute best, if they accept all 2 years worth of transfer credits, which they wont, so it's more likely like 4-5 years instead). That would make me 26-27, and hubs 28-29. Young still, I know, but a bit older than I'd like if we were trying to have our first child, and I know my husband feels that was also. In my eyes, it would be a great time for a 2nd though.
I also feel like it might be better to have a baby before school starts rather than while I'm in it still. Granted, I could always try to "aim" for an early summer baby, but I would risk going into labor early and missing finals, which would be awful. If we did it now, I think I would be better suited to handle possible morning sickness with my parttime job instead of while I'm trying to attend class.
IF we got preggo in August, that would make the baby due in May, which would give me time to take care of the baby before classes started, and when fall comes around, the baby would be old enough to be left in childcare if MIL couldn't care for it (hubs has already said MIL would do it. It is I guess common for the grandparents to care for the grandchildren in the Chinese culture. Or at least that is what another Chinese girl has told me).
I'm well aware of the amount of work and time a baby needs. I was a nanny for a baby for a year and have been through just about it all. While I got to go home in the evening, I did hear all about it in the morning and have no clouded judgement that having a child is just one big walk in the park, full of baby coos and giggles, clean diapers, and dry noses! This baby also had colic. While I wasn't his nanny until just after he got over it, I do know how much stress it puts on even the most caring and devoted parents!
I should also add. When I was 17, my siblings and I were playing the "what if" game with my mom, "what if I get put in jail" "what if I stole your car" etc, and one was the "what if I got pregnant" and my mom told me that if I ended up pregnant, she thought I would be able to manage, though she did not feel the same about my brother who is close in age.
Idk, I guess those are some of the big things atm. No current debt, no strenuous job, and good timing, age wise.
Any thoughts? I'm perfectly content to be told it's a bad idea... I've just got a really bad case of baby rabies atm and it has NEVER been like this before...
(I am also fully aware that this is only something Mr. Joe and I can decide for ourselves, but if anyone has any input, I'd be happy to hear it!)
In all honesty, I would wait. For 2 reasons...
1. You may have no debt, but eventually you will want a home. I think you should focus on that first. Also, focus on school and your education. This is an amazing opportunity for you to be able to work parttime and devote the rest of your time to studying.
2. You are young...so enjoy your younger years together. I have no option to do that! If we don't have our children soon, then I will be "advanced maternal age" by our second one. I wish we could have spent our 20s together (kid free!)
That's my advice, but who am I? :) Either way, best of luck!
To be honest, living in NYC, we will NEVER be able to buy a home, especially not one big enough for a family. Studio apartments start at $150k, and you can add another $100k just about for each added bedroom... and that's not even in nice areas! Plus, along with the mortgage, you have to pay the maintence fees which are an extra $700+ a month
I do of course, appreciate your advice and will definitely keep it in mind
my only concern is that your still live with your inlaws and that you say we currently have "no debt"...ummm, im guessing because you still live with your inlaws you really are not financially independant
otherwise my sister had 3 sons by the time she was 21 and 30yrs later she is still married to her hubby and they are still happy, she enjoyed the children while she was young and had energy and now they are off her hands and she is enjoying life with her husband so young parents are not all horror stories
i say give yourself a year or so of married life with your hubby (and school) before taking the next step
goodluck!
edit: and never say never about owning your own home - you never know what the future holds for you :)
I would wait, you have tons of time. Enjoy being married, move out on your own even if it's just renting and live your life together. Go back to school and then see how you feel. More than likely, you are just having the post wedding planning letdown and you're bored. A baby is going to fill up your spare time and SO MUCH more.
If we moved we could afford a home, but I anticipate being a teacher, and Mr. Joe would like to go to night school to be a vet tech, which wont cut it for home ownership in nyc lol
We do split the bills, but even if we didn't we would still be able to make ends meet. Neither of his parents work, though MIL does contribute a bit to rent (Mr.Joe thinks she has a boyfriend that gives her money. He has seen her with another man before as well). SIL pays some of the bills, but I've been talking to Mr.Joe about me taking over some of those duties anyway, regardless of the baby question. We also have more than 6months worth of our salary in savings.
anyway, yes. I know there is a lot to consider. I was just sleepless and needed to get it out there. Thanks for the input so far :)
If you want to be a teacher, I promise you that you should wait to have kids until at least after your first year teaching. That first year is incredibly difficult, and that's without the added stress of a child- it was one of the hardest years I've ever had. I know that you want one now (me too!!!), but I would highly suggest you wait until after your career is (not just your job) is set. Just my opinion, of course! :):):)
"If we moved we could afford a home, but I anticipate being a teacher, and Mr. Joe would like to go to night school to be a vet tech, which wont cut it for home ownership in nyc lol"
I think this statement you made says it all. You're not a teacher (yet), and your hubby is not a vet tech (yet).
I say focus on your education, building your careers, saving money, moving out on your own before you start thinking of having children. You'd be surprised how little 6 months of savings will get you nowadays. If home ownership is so unfeasible, may I ask what you plan on doing for the rest of your marriage? Surely you don't plan on living with your inlaws forever!
You're still really young, and you have plenty of time for kids... just my two cents! :)
I would plan on waiting until you're finished with school. I just finished my degree this year while working a part time job. I was SO busy with school and work that I barely had time to take care of myself (much less a baby). Unless you're willing to cut back on the hours/semester and be in school a little longer than expected then I wouldn't recommend trying just yet. I don't have any children so I'm not an expert on the subject, just my POV from the school aspect. Also if you waited, you could take a break between graduation and finding a job to have a baby and get yourself grounded and figure out what you want to do (but know you always have your degree to fall back on).
As far as the living aspect, I'm sure you'll want your own space eventually and if you want a baby, you're definitely going to need it! My family lives an hour outside of NYC in CT and the housing around there is affordable. The apartments are nice and aren't ridiculously expensive (as I imagine NYC is). It's only a short ride into the city on the train if you need to go there because of your job or school. But that's just a suggestion! Good luck with your decision.
Honestly I would wait. I know there are people that have babies in worse situations for you, but don't you want a <span style="text-decoration: underline;">damn <span style="text-decoration: underline;">good situation for your future kids? If so, I think they deserve a mom who is done with school and parents who own a home for them to rest their little bodies in. Just my two cents...good luck with whatever you decide!
If I were you, I would wait until after I finish school and have a stable job. You should not just think of yourself but also your soon to be baby. Right now you said you are financially ok but when the baby comes, things will be different.
Also I think you should also consider having your own home. Its nice to have your own home when you started having kids. And how about travel and other things? There's still so much to do. But then that's just my opinion.
I'd also advise waiting but not based on home ownership. I think it is perfectly acceptable to decide you don't want to own a home and are fine renting. However, I think it is important that you do live alone before starting a family. Both for your relationship with your husband and your extended family. I also think it would be best for you to finish school first. College is a huge part of shaping who you are, maybe you will discover an interest you didn't forsee or b given the opprutunity to do an internship in another location, these are things that you can do much easier without a baby at home. It may seem like the selfish route but I think you should focus on you and your husband for some time before having children. You have no debt now but it sounds like you both intend to go back to school and debt piles up fast when you are in college, paying tuition and only working part time.
I would wait. I too want a baby, but I realize that I have to wait in order to have a better life for my future kids.
There were a couple of things that worry me. . . you say that you and your husband should never strive for home ownership because the houses in your area are too expensive. The thing is, $350,000 for a 3 bedroom home (even in the not so nice areas) is not ridiculous. Expensive, yes but not unobtainable. While I know I live in a different state than you, I also live in an expensive state.
This kind of goes back to the not wanting a house thing, but you guys chose careers that won't allow you to own a home? Sorry if this sounds harsh, but you might want to check your numbers. With those salaries, you should be able to buy a house. The thing is, why would you want jobs that are not going to support you and your family? I understand the value of enjoying your job, but what's the point of going to working those years in school if you can't survive with a job that you studied for?
Actually Slicey, you're right . . .
Joeswifey - I don't think you should own a home if you don't want to. . . maybe I'm just feeling like you too have chosen careers which you don't think you can live on. Something about it really bugs me.
I guess I should say that we likely won't ever live alone. As stated, neither of his parents work. It's just Chinese tradition for the kids to "take care of the parents" after they've grown. I don't really like it, but I've accepted it. The best we could hope for is that his FIL will want to move back to China to be with the rest of his family, but it's not working so far. They also don't speak English very well (his dad not at all) so moving outside of NYC would again cause huge problems because at least here there are people who do speak their language.
As for our career choices... I'm sorry but I can't just decide I want to go be a lawyer or a doctor. It's not for everyone. Starting teachers in NYC make $45k. Non-negotiable. They can eventually earn up to $80k. Somewhere else, that would be a good salary, especially if a spouse is bringing in his paycheck too, but it's not enough here. And a 3 bedroom condo/apartment would be $450k, and it's not a home. It's a condo. I'm not paying that much money for a tiny place in an area that isn't safe (which is SUPER important to me because I DO want a family and I don't want to have to worry about my kids being beaten up on the way home, or having their bikes stolen while they ride them, etc). If you want a townhouse, you can probably double that as well, depending on the area. NYC definitely wouldn't be my first pick of where to live, but we don't have a big choice on that matter
None of your reasons are really striking me as reasons as to have a baby. It sounds like you need something to do, now that it's 2 months post-wedding and you're antsy. You're bored, and like most women, babies sound like a good option! The next step, naturally, right? You haven't even finished college yet, and once the baby comes, you likely will have so much on your plate your education will go to the wayside. You might go back in a few years.
All your reasons sound like tangible justifications. You sound like you're trying to convince yourself about the baby by things like jobs, money, independence, etc. When none of it really sounds like good enough reasons to me. Talk to your husband and see what he says...because logically, financially, etc, it sounds like "bad timing" to me, but i'm overly practical.
I'd wait until your education is finished. That's only 2 more years. You'll be 23, and 23 is still a young mother. Plus, you want your husband to have a job. A real, steady, full time job. He's going to be a vet tech, which is great, but there are lots of vet techs out there...wait until an offer's in hand! Security is everything.
You already live with family, which makes a lot of sense b/c of traditions and where you live, but do you really want to depend on them for everything?? I mean, every single little thing? What if you have no income and a baby? Because you will if you and your husband aren't able to take care of a baby all by yourself, financially. It's nice to have the help of family living in house, but don't use it as a reason to try to pile too many things on your plate at once.
I understand your position. I've been having baby fever lately too. Really bad. I've always wished to have my first child before 30 so we'll be trying not long after marriage. I would say that definitely talk to hubby first and see what he says. Give it a couple months (a year, whatever, some time) and see if the "baby fever" goes away. If not, then you & hubby should sit down with his parents and ask if they are ready for a baby in the household. I highly doubt they will say no! Most chinese parents want a grandchild ASAP! The reason why I ask is that while it's easy for parents to say yes I'll watch the kid -when there isn't a kid yet in the foreseeable future- but it might be a different story when there actually IS one. I know of plenty chinese parents who do NOT offer to watch their grandkids. Nor help out around the house, their stand is that they are the parents you are now married. You take care of me and do all the housework. I'm not saying that's how your inlaws are, just saying not all Chinese parents (or parents in general) are willing to watch their grandkids. I would seriously work out, how often are they going to watch them. During the day? Every other day? Do they want payment to watch them in the form of monthly allowances? Trust me, this is important. Who's watching them at night? If hubby is going to night school to become a vet are you prepeared to work all day, come home watch the kid, try to study, do homework, grade papers whatnot then only get a couple hours sleep a night while hubby is in night school? And I think most importantly are you willing to TRUST the decisions your inlaws will make in raising your child? They will be spending mroe time with your kid than you will be so they will have a huge impact on your child's upbringing. Are you prepared for the fact that you may not want them to watch them and put them in daycare instead. Are you prepared for their argument against putting them in daycare because they can watch the baby/kid?
These are just based on issues I have seen and heard of from friends from the Chinese culture.
P.S. I've lived in NYC all my life(not at the moment) and owning a home in NYC IS possible! If my family with my parents measly paycheck was able to buy a house when I was 10 then you can. It just might not be your dream home. One of my SILs good friends is a teacher in NYC as well and her husband .. don't know what his job is but some kind of regular office job, not high exec or anything. They have 2 kids and have a really nice home! And there are lots of opportunities to make extra money as a teacher in NYC. Take courses during the summer (that the district pays for) and when you pass it automatically increases your paycheck. Teach during the summer. Teach after school programs. We plan to buy a house when we move back to NYC (hopefully one day eventually) because we can never go back to a apartment!
Good Luck in whatever you & hubby choose to do!
I would wait. I think you should finish school so you can get that out of the way- baby+school sounds like it would be a lot of work. Not say that you couldn't do it or wouldn't want to do it, but it seems logical to finish one (major) goal (school) before you start on another (baby!). Also, I think adding a baby into your current living situation will add a lot of stress. I think waiting to have a baby until you are able to live with your husband alone would be best.
Are you animal lovers? Why don't you get a pet first? I know it sounds silly, but our basset hound is our baby essentially. I know it's not comparable, but, in a way, it's helped us learn to be responsible for someone other than ourselves.
I agree with Beagle, try getting a puppy! It'll give you something to focus your energy on that's not as huge of a responsibility as a baby.
I feel you on the baby urges though. I've been feeling them as well. But it's because I feel the need to fill the void left by not having a wedding to plan. Mr. Powder Puff and I are a few years older than you and your husband (26), and we'll be waiting until we're 29 or so to even try to conceive. You're so young, enjoy being married for awhile! Focus on school and your husband. Even if you wait a few years, you'll still be a very young mom.
I also agree with Gerbera that owning a "home" in NYC is completely possible. Just because something is an apartment or a condo does not mean that it's not a "home." NYC is different than most of the country in the fact that real estate prices are crazy, and that people don't really live in the traditional "house," per se. My fiance teaches an an extremely affluent private school and the majority of the students and their families live in apartments. That's just how it is in NYC.
However, I remember you saying earlier that you live pretty far out in Brooklyn. If you are comfortable living that distance from Manhattan, then you would probably be comfortable in the further sections of Queens or the Bronx where you can buy an actual house. Several of my friends and co-workers live in Queens in actual free standing houses -- one even has a pool. Long Island and Jersey could also be an option. Personally, someone will have to drag me kicking and screaming from Manhattan when we get priced out ;o)
Anyway, I agree with other posters that now does not seem the right time for a baby. You and your husband should work on your educations. I don't know if you have your masters' yet, but looking into the teaching corps (I think that's what it is) and you can teach in a low-income neighborhood while the city pays for your masters degree. And as a previous poster mentioned, there are tons of ways to make extra $ as a teacher, both during the year and in the summer.
I would wait, we're not yet married but I get the baby fever at times but usually in a week or two it passes. I'm going to be a teacher as well, I'm not sure what the curriculum is like in NY but classes here in Ohio are hard. I have various student teaching experiences starting with 2 days, then 1 week, then 6 weeks, then 15 weeks. The six weeks of student teaching was killer because I was expected to take regular courses on top of that. The work to become a teacher is hard and I think having a child would be very difficult and strenuous with the course load. Like I said, I have no idea what NY's standards for teachers are but I can't imagine they are much different. I did go to school with some "non-traditional" students who were a bit older that had children, they had a hard time because of the workload, more so because they didn't get to see/spend a lot of time with their kids.
Ultimately, it's like you said, it's up to you and your husband, but my opinion is you should wait. Finish school, if you have to take extra course work to finish faster, it's a little more difficult but it may be worth it to finish up quickly. Also a suggestion about your transfer credit, I would try to fight for transfer credit, there is no reason that credit shouldn't transfer, you did the work for it. I had to do that when I transfered as well but it was worth the argument. If anything try for partial credit. Totally off subject there...enjoy some time being married, get your education, then have a baby. It's good that you know it's no walk in the park but adding in school and part-time work it could be down right killer.
Good luck!
I agree with the rest of the ladies, I would wait. Finish school and then maybe start trying, you'll still be young. Trying to finish school and raise a baby at the same time is difficult. Talk it over with your husband and see how he feels.
I'd wait too. Teacher salaries aside. Renting or buying, aside. You still need to finish school. It is a lot harder to work on your schooling and career once you ahve a baby. And while you want this all to be asurprise to your parents, I thik if you are counting on free grandma babysitting, you need to iron that out before getting pregnant. What if they don't want to babysit and you're already pregnant? Or if they wind up too sick to care for a baby? Then you'll be spending money on daycare, and you're putting money into school, not getting money for work.
Sometimes we need to be flexible, especially with baby timelines. I think waiting to have babies, (and that possibly meaning they aren't five years apart -maybe two or three, or that you have a baby or two when you are 30 -I promise it's not that old...) is going to be a better solution than you having a baby at 22, without finishing school.
Take a moment to be objective. Try to think of the cons, not just the pros. Why might it not be a good idea to have a baby right now? I know you want a baby. But you have lots of time.
Timing and readiness when it comes to kids is different for everyone, but from the sound of your post, I have to agree with the other posters who suggest waiting. Go for the puppy! You are indeed young and will never get these years back with your husband. I'm 29 and we are probably still waiting a few years to enjoy married life together before having kids.
Here are my personal reasons for wanting to wait for a baby. I'm not sure if any of these apply to you, but I think they're different than the rest of the advice you received above. :)
1. Babies are expensive. With what I've read on the internet and from the conversation we had with out financial advisor, we will need around $10,000 saved up for the first year of baby's life. This includes formula, diapers, baby furniture, clothes, etc... plus a little extra supplement for the 6 months I would be on maternity leave. I didn't include medical costs, but depending on insurance, you could spend around $5,000 or more for pre-natal check-ups, labor and delivery, and pediatrician visits the first year of life. I didn't include childcare costs (which can be over $1000 a month in some areas for an infant) because we won't use it for the first year of life. I also didn't include baby savings for the future (college, private school costs, etc...) because that is a separate savings plan for us.
2. A lot of people say that everything changes after you have kids, and I'm honestly a little scared for that. I know that not all change is bad, and that some people have a harder time than others, but I love the relationship my husband and I have right now. It's so easy for us to be close and spend time together. When kids come, it is going to take a lot more work for us to remain close and connected and to find time alone together. I'm not sure I'm ready for that extra "marriage" work along with all the new "baby" work.
3. There are so many things that can go wrong. Getting pregnant can take months, even years, of trying. Not to mention the heartbreak that would come with infertility problems, miscarriages, infant deaths, etc... I think that no one can totally prepare themselves for those situations, but by researching it, I think I will be more prepared to handle it if it did happen.
Like I said, I have no clue whether these things apply to you or not, and people in a lot worse situations get along fine with adding a baby. If you feel like you really want a baby right now, though, why don't you and Mr. Joe sit down to talk about how you can make that happen. Where do you wan to be financially, relationship-wise, etc... or what do you want to accomplish before a baby comes? That will give you some time to plan out your goals. You can still be preoccupied with having a baby, but now you're working towards something with a little more preparation.
I'm glad you are open to the others opinions, but I'm sure you dont' want to hear it yet again...I think you should wait. I think a LOT of people experience the baby bug 2 mos after the wedding. I am turning 30 in 2 mos and am dying to get pregnant, but I am making myself wait until I finish my masters in December.
I am also concerned that until recently you didn't even want a baby. I think you need more time to reflect and make sure it's not just the after-wedding-void.
Ultimately, I am sure you CAN make it work, but it would be better to wait until at least one of you is more settled into a career.
Wait, I'm confused here. . . In some posts you say you want to be a teacher then other posts your torn between a lawyer and a doctor? Which is it? I'm still with the others, you do need to finish your education before you make any steps towards having a baby.
@MissMelissaB - She said she wants to be a teacher. Someone asked her why she would consider a profession if it won't pay the bills. She said she wouldn't consider being a doctor or lawyer just for financial stability.
Think about this- are you thinking 'baby' as in cute, sweet, smells like Johnson's soap?
Or are you thinking tantrums, toothpaste and pee all over the bathroom, stepping on hotwheels with cold feet at two am. Before you know it you get "You're the worst mom in the world and I hate you! I wish you had never had me! No food in the house, having to bug your kids computer and pay for the texting charges that they racked up. Messes, smells, and general chaos and discord.
I'm not saying having kids is a bad idea, I'm only saying that as a parent of a teenager, there's no hurry to commit yourself to a neverending money pit and general headache.
Don't misunderstand, I love my child, she just makes me tired. Every day. Just don't be in too big of a hurry.
You are in a great situation to wait! I am a little envious of you! I'll be 28 when we get married and we have SO much to do before we have kids (if we do!). We live in NYC too, but pay all of our own bills - no help from parents. As hard as it is, we're trying to save up money for a down payment on a house in PA (eventually moving to Phila). Once you have a child you can't go back and change your mind, I know it's a little hard to visualize the entire picture, but maybe make yourself wait at least a year and see how you feel? Or make yourself wait until you've started back up at school.
I would also wait a bit and see what kind of financial expectations your in-laws have for you as a married couple. I know some traditional asian parents (for example, my own family) whose expectations of lavish gifts and vacations seem to increase every year. If your in-laws see you having a baby, they may start asking why you are spending the money on the baby and not on them. Suddenly you may be spending a lot more money than you planned on! You should probably have a household discussion with them, laying out how much a baby will cost and how you intend to cover those expenses, so that they know where they fit into your financial plan.
Thanks for all the comments so far! Just wantet to clear up a few things
Totally not expecting MIL to take care of our baby! That is definitely something I would disuss with Mr. Joe, and, I'm a plan for the worst type of person, and I would just go ahead and assume she wouldn't take care of it, even if she threw her arms up in the air out of joy and excitement and just unable to contatin herself! I'm ok with the idea of a daycare.
Just to clarify, I want to be a teacher, not a doctor or a lawyer. Someone asked why I would choose to be teacher if it won't pay the bills, and I brought up that not everyone wants to/can have a job like that. If you have a better suggestion of a job that lets me spend more time with my kids (school holidays like a teacher would have. I'm also aware that most teachers work during the summer), and I can actually FIND a job, I'd love to hear it, honest! While there are other jobs that I think I could major in that would make me more money, the trade off would be that it would be harder to find a job in the first place, and, when I did, many of them work more than the 40 hour week. I'm not a math or science oriented individual, unfortunately, and many of the high paying in demand jobs rely heavily on those skills. My dream job is a photographer, but I'm being realistic and I know that it's not something I want to risk. I also dreamt of working in a daycare, but the hours are long and the pay isn't very good a lot of times, which again, doesn't work well for becoming a mom!
As for the transfer credits, you would think they should transfer over, but unfortunately they just don't sometimes, and they don't tell you until after you've enrolled. I've transferred once and I had ONE class (so 3 credits) out of an entire year of school transfer even though some of the classes I took were almost IDENTICAL to those I took. I'm not sure if it was because I transdered from a private school to a public, but it was awful. This time I will be transferring to another state, so again, I just have no idea! It could take another 4 years before I finish school
Someone mentioned about thinking of the Cons. I had a slow day at work today, and before I even read the post, I had wrote a list of Pros and Cons. I do that for just about every major decision we have to make.
Bills. MIL only pays some of rent (she does't even pay her cell phone or anything), and I'm not sure if she even pays every month. If we really had to pay all the bills alone we CAN do it and still have some left over to be able to put into savings, assuming we didn't go out much or go crazy at the grocery store.
As for the puppies, I would so get a dog in a heartbeat! Hubby and I are HUGE animal lovers and have fostered motherless kittens together before. Unfortunately, the building doesn't allow pets so I have to settle for my two fish.
How do I view a baby? While I do see cuddles and giggles and all that good stuff, I also picture my clothes covered in vomit, night time crying, sore boobies, all the uncomfortable aspects of actually being pregnant, One thing for sure is that I'm definitely not disillusioned!
Haven't had an opportunity to talk to my husband yet, but hopefully tonight, but we'll just have to see. I'm considering maybe starting to try next year, after I see how school will be like (costs and such), but we'll see. I honestly don't see us waiting until I've completely finished school, and I know Mr. Joe has said a few things that have suggested that he doesn't really want that either.
Anyway, another question I have. How do you really know when you're ready? I'm almost certain that there will never be a "good time" as things are ALWAYS happening and nothing is ever perfect. I've joked before that the only way we'll end up having a baby ever is if it is an accident. But how do you know? How do you know it's just not post wedding let down (to be honest, I'm really not that bored for the most part).
It sounds like you're thinking through things, which I think is the best way to start planning! And once you and Mr. Joe sit down to talk about things, I'm sure your plans will become more developed and things will start to fall into place.
I don't have kids yet, so I'm not sure how most people feel like they're ready to start trying to conceive. For me, I do not feel ready right now. I'm a huge planner, so for me to feel ready, we'll have to check off our "pre-baby goals checklist" (this is an actual document! lol!). My husband has wanted kids for years now (and we're hardly older than you), but I think sometime in the last few years we sat down to plan out our future, including the timing of children. We've revised our plans here and there; in fact, we just did a revision last week. Here's the things I would like to accomplish before we start trying to have children:
1. Buy a house. We currently have an offer in on a short sale, so last week's revision was that we'd like to buy the house and add a two bed, one bath addition and garage.
2. Both of us have our Master's degrees. My husband is starting his degree at the end of the month. It should take about 2 years, and then I'll do mine in one year.
3. Have no debt/have adequate savings. We are still paying my undergraduate loans, and have started paying for my husband's grad school, too. According to our budget, we should be completely debt free, have 6 months worth of salary saved up in long-term savings, and be ready to start baby savings/college and education savings in 3 years.
4. Travel to Peru and New Zealand. We have already started planning a trip to Peru for next December. We'll look into New Zealand after that. Plus, we have several smaller trips we'd like to take over the next few years (go to New Orleans, go to NYC & Boston, go to San Francisco, and go to Virginia/DC).
5. My personal goal is to also research SIDS and PCOS, both of which run in my family, and which can cause miscarriages or infant deaths.
It makes me feel reassured that our futures are so planned out, because I can see what we're working toward. Of course, an "oops" baby would still be a blessing, but this is our ideal plan. It will probably continue to change over the next 3 years, but I think these basic ideas will stay the same: we want to be emotionally, financially, and mentally prepared before we have a baby. Good luck!
All I would say... is that sometimes when people have to ask a question to other people, it's because they already know the answer and they don't exactly like it. So people tend to seek validation for their life choices when they don't like the answer they already know.
My mother said she knew when she was ready for a baby because they would spend long periods of times with their friends who had kids and they didn't want to run home! At that time, my mother was 30, had moved out of expensive DC and bought a home. However, yor'e right about the NYC language thing, but if you're going to stay in NYC you're going to have to get used to a condo. I have friends who grew up in a beautiful 3 bedroom condo in a pre-war building and I was surprised by how homey it felt.
That's a GREAT question!
When it comes to babies i don't ever think there is a GOOD time in most peoples lives! It really changes your life and everything in your life!
I personally am in a similar situation; however, I am a little bit older! I will be married next year (I will be 27) and we are planning on starting to try right away! But I am a full-time PhD student - The situation is a bit different as I teach part time at a University and I do get compensated for my studies (unfortunately they don't do that in undergrad) but I still only just make enough to help my FH and I to get by. We think that this is the best time to do it not financially but in my career after I am done I may have to go into a contract post-doctorate position or be junior faculty and the hours are just not conducive to starting a family but if I already have a family started my priorities would already be set!
I say do what's best for you guys as a couple - I completely understand that there is NO good time I just want to make sure that you get to enjoy your young twenties (there is nothing like it - best time of your life to be selfish and have fun) but if you feel like you are ready to be selfless and start a family - then go for it!
You and you Husband are the only ones who know what's right for you!
I think, while, for the most part, there is no "good" time, there is a "right" time, and that time tends to come when you are both ready and have ducks in a row more or less. At least when you're planning. If it's a surprise of course, different story.
People make it work but they give up a LOT of things in the process. And often struggle a lot more than they ever really wanted to. Big picture, it's super hard and it takes a toll on their relationship, too. Are you ready to give up some of your husband for a child? man, i'm not! i wanna be muy selfish with him for a little bit at least. all mine! all mine! =P
But, I really do agree with what Dorsay said. Sometimes I do the same thing--I look for validation even though I deep down know the answer and then i go "man...what was i thinking?" b/c sometimes my thoughts get away with me. You really do sound like you're trying to justify it all but it doesn't necessarily sound plausible from an OUTSIDER'S (ie someone who means jack monkey to you guys and i totally get that) perspective.
I'm curious to see what hubby says; maybe he's anxious, too! But even anxious and the excitement of it doesn't take away from the "ummmm, how can we REALLy do this, logistically" or "we don't make enough for a baby on top of this" because sometimes the cold hard facts suck. Why do you live with your inlaws and yet you guys pay all the bills?! That's not cool. They should contribute, but then again, i know how asian households are (mine's korean).
Keep in mind that if you don't wait until you finish school, there is a very high likelyhood you won't finish until your child is older and by then, you may never finish like my mom did. I hate to say it and there ARE determined people out there, but like my mom said, "at the end of the day, it just isn't worth it" and you drop out to be there for your children. The mounting school debt is just too much for so many people. More power to ya though. Again, just the peanut gallery's perspective =]
I talked to the Hubs a little bit, and it sounds like his biggest concern right now is, besides money (but I also know that will ALWAYS be a concern because that's just the type of personality he has) that he is worried that if we have a baby first, that I won't go back to school. It is a valid concern because I do know that my mom dropped out when she had me and I think this is just not something you could REALLY know until you are in the position. I did tell him that I think if he does want to go back to school for something (he's a bit wishy washy on it), that now is the time to do it instead of trying to wait for me to finish school because it would push back us having a family even further. He does want kids ASAP, within reason, and obviously we have things to think about. It's not a decision I expect to be made over night of course!
Part of the reason for my post was because I was so eager to talk abuot it with hubby last night and get my thoughts out there, but as I said, he was conked out already lol I know if I talked to my mom about it she would tell me to go for it! Everyone in my family is just kind of waiting for us to have kids lol.
Anyway, thanks for all the input hive! It's been really helpful, even if it isn't all saying "yeah go for it!" lol
I'm glad you had a chance to talk to him about it! Hopefully you'll be able to come to a decision soon. You mentioned earlier about waiting a year to see how school is, and I think that's a good decision. Like I said earlier, school takes up so much time and you might want to get it out of the way now, while you're still young.
A couple things to consider if you do have a baby is: 1.) where are you going to keep it? In your room? In his/her own room? I remember reading in another thread that space was tight in your house.
2.) if you do keep the baby in your room, you need to consider that they make a lot of noise and often. That means that school and school work will be difficult (on the lack of sleep). You might even have to become a part time student, if that. Also, think about your husband and his sleep. It'll be hard working a full time job and going to school if he wakes up everytime you do for the baby.
3.) You said you weren't relying on your MIL to take care of the baby (but I wasn't sure if you said you would put it in day care or not). If you do leave the baby somewhere else while you go to school or work you could regret it later on. I'm not saying it will happen, but I know that when I was a baby both of my parents worked a lot and put me in day care. I have almost no memories of them when I was young. My mom says she wished that she had stayed home with me and been more involved with me as a baby. We're really close now and it doesn't affect our relationship, but if you really want that bonding time, you may want to be a part time in school/work and stay at home.
Good luck!!
well, you are basically assuming you can get pregnant on your first try for you to make it back to school...I think you have to pick one or the other. You could work and have a baby or go back to school. Doing both will be really hard. Could you work as a teacher's aide for now, so you would get some benefits? My mom is a reading specialist, so she didn't need a 4 year degree.
I know I'm way late to the party, but I just wanted to mention that if you're going into teaching because you'll have more time to spend with your future children (holidays, etc), I encourage you to really think about other things you like about teaching. Yes, there are holidays & summers off, but the time consumed by teaching during the day and weekends is huge (i routinely work 1 1/2-2 hours past the end of the day). Teaching is amazing and can have perks, but spending more time with family than a "normal" job isn't one of them.
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