Post # 1
New-bee here. I am at a loss as to what I should do. My gut tells me one thing but my heart doubts whether my gut knows what it’s doing. My SO and I have been together for 3 years. It’s been up and down – at least for me. He says I am THE ONE and that he would do absolutely anything for me. That’s all fine and dandy but over the last several months I have begun to realize that while I love him, I don’t think I am IN love with him. For one, he has had a temper. He isn’t the physically aggressive type, but he is very good at using his words as a weapon. During our fights, it can often escalate to him saying “fuck you” or “shut up”. This isn’t every time but happens frequently enough that I have started to anticipate and expect it at some point when we argue. He is also rather untrusting. While he lets me visit with friends and do my thing (sort of) he also loves to check up on me and will ask me 20 questions if it seems like something is “off”. There have also been times when he has accused me of sleeping with his best friend – never even remotely happened in the least – or having someone in the shower with me because I had moved the shower head and it was in a “position it’s never been in before”. I am fed up with being questioned, feeling like I’ve done someting wrong when in truth I haven’t.
The good things about him include the fact that he is very honest – I’ve never caught him in a lie, he compliments me frequently and he would prefer to be around me above anyone else. Well, the latter is both a postitive and a negative. He can be clingy and mopey if I don’t want to spend time with him. He’s quite good at working to make me feel guilty or that I don’t put him first if I say I’d rather do XYZ alone instead of with him.
This past weekend my best friend came in from out of town to visit. I haven’t seen her in almost 10 years so we wanted to spend time alone. My SO and I had a big fight on Friday night because I wanted to take my friend dancing. He had an issue with this because when we started dating we both told each other we’d never go to a bar or club without the other. As the years have gone on, I’ve realized how unrealistic this is. Plus, I really wanted my friend to have a good time and do what she wanted to do. I told SO we’d only be there for an hour or so. He yelled at me over the phone and told me if I set foot inside the bar we are DONE. And when my friend grabbed the phone to try to tell him that SHE was the one who wanted to go dancing, he yelled at her, telling her she was now responsible for ruining our 3 year relationship. She ended up hanging up on him. So much for a good first impression. The whole ordeal really ruined the night and we ended up leaving early. My friend was not comfortable going back to our house after that so I stayed with her in a hotel for the rest of the weekend. I told my SO not to contact me until Monday.
This morning he called me in tears. Said he hadn’t eaten all weekend and cried for most of it. Apparently he’s been so sick by this that he’s throwing up. He does not want to lose me. He said he will do anything to make us work. Thing is, I’m not sure I want to. I crave my freedom. I don’t want to date other men – I just want to date ME. But at the same time I do worry I’m giving up a good man… Has anyone else been through this? I know this is no where near the whole story, and I can give more information to those who may want it. Thank you for reading!
Post # 3
@TheLastDance: Unless you are prepared to deal with those controlling issues and more for your whole life you should leave him.
Post # 4
I refuse to deal with those controlling issues. He claims not to see how he is controlling. But I think he’s always been this way – even in his past relationships. Further indication it won’t ever change.
Post # 5
Your SO needs some serious counselling. You should not out up with these unhealthy dramatics.
Post # 6
@TheLastDance: There are plenty of good men out in the world, ones that dont try to manipulate or control you. From reading your post it really doesnt seem like you need to add any more details.. your mind is made up and you seem fed up. Honestly, I would be too.
Its so important to spend time with yourself and become your own person before you dive into a relationship. You said you want your freedom. That’s a strong statement to make, and it sounds like you’re ready to go.
Post # 7
[content moderated for sock puppeting]
Post # 8
@TheLastDance: You really need to listen to your gut on this one.
Your guy may love you, but he is not in a healthy mind set. You are right-It’s not realistic to NOT go to bars and clubs without the other. And he should feel very odd about wanting to tag along on girls night or girls time.
He should feel odd about accusing you of sleeping with his best friend or moving the shower head. Is he on drugs? Why the heck is he so paranoid?
Post # 9
DO NOT go back. He’s trying to emotionally manipulate you into putting up with his psychotic behavior. I told my FI about the shower head thing and he said “that is insane.” And then not letting you go dancing? He realizes he’s being ridiculous and now he’s grasping at straws so you don’t leave. Do not put up with this!!
Oh and PS: about not wanting to lose a “good man”? This is not a good man. This is a controlling asshole who knows how (some of the time) to impress you. Good men do not do even 1/100th of the shit that guy has done to you.
Post # 10
@TheLastDance: He is a controlling psycho. And while he isn’t using physical violence yet, I wouldn’t be surprised if that were to change if you get married.
You deserve someone who trusts you. Get out, run away, and you will NOT regret it!
Post # 11
This is the question you need to ask yourself, OP. Because it’s very doubtful this type of behavior will ever fully go away, regardless of counseling.
Post # 12
I dated a controlling jackass like that for a long time. His world was over when I dumped him, he called my mother crying. My mother. Except he was perfectly fine and married to some other poor girl before I was even seriously dating anyone.
Post # 13
Thank you ladies!! I am not exactly certain where the paranoia stems from. The showerhead thing is just one example and also the most recent. I said the same thing to him about when I want to spend time with a girlfriend – that it’s just weird for him to want to tag along like some sort of chaperone. I think part of the reaction to the dancing issue came from the fact that the lead singer of the band that was playing had hit on me in the past. That was it. On Friday night, my SO threatened to come down to the bar and beat the guy up if he had to. He never showed up but it was certainly unnerving. He says we are “absolutely perfect” together. Nah, I know we’re not. I wake up feeling depressed every morning and annoyed every evening when he comes home. Oh, he also tells me I’ll never find a man who looks as good as him (he does have a very nice body, to his credit) but I find it a very odd thing to say.
Post # 14
@TheLastDance: Wow. Just another horribly controlling and manipulative thing for him to say. “You’ll never find a man as good as me?” That’s the same thing as “No one else will ever love you like I do.” What a grade-A prick.
Post # 15
Believe me when I tell you that this is not healthy. I was in a very similiar relationship when I was younger and I am so thankful that I got out of it when I did. I wasn’t allowed to have guy friends at all and the world would end if I hung out with my girlfriends. The only person he wanted me to spend anytime with was him, so he could control me.
Now, I’m engaged to a wonderful man who doesn’t care who I am friends with. Believe me, you will find someone who treats you wonderfully and allows you to be you.
Post # 16
@TheLastDance: you love him, but you’re not in love with him.
He has good qualities, but his bad qualities outweigh the good in my eyes. And if he doesn’t see how he is being controlling, then your relationship is not going to work. Its only going to get worse when if you were to get married.
And you already said, he wants to make it work but you are not sure if you want too. That right there tells me, you have made up your mind
Also, I couldn’t be with someone who disrespected my friend that way.