Weddingbee boards

I hate that I'm writing this post. I hate that logically I should've known that I'd be writing this post. This is long, so I apologize ahead of time.

Keep in mind:

1. We are normally in a LDR. He has been her on a visa for 6 months and we have a place together. On the 21st, we go back to a LDR.

2. He has now had 3 freakouts about marriage. I have avoided posting while dealing with this.

I don't think that a marriage is going to come out of our relationship. I don't know if a marriage SHOULD come out of this relationship. FI has always been high-strung about wedding/marriage stuff. I've posted about him not being sure and not being ready before. The first time he freaked out about marriage, I was worried about pressuring him and making him feel rushed. I understand that everyone is ready at different times, so I suggested we break. He didn't want to break up and insisted that everything was fine and marriage was coming.

In March, we moved in together. I didn't want to live together without an engagement and he agreed to that. With less than 24 hours until he flew in, he told me that engagement would have to wait. He said it was because he couldn't afford a ring. Now I'm not so sure if that was the truth, but we got a promise ring and he proposed on April 29th. We've only been engaged for 3 months. Once we got engaged, I ceased wedding talk because I didn't want him to freak. About a month later, I asked him when he saw us getting married and he said around 18 months. I just said ok--18 months was fine with me. We made no moves on planning or brainstorming from that point. I asked him again this weekend and he said 2-3 years "depending" and maybe longer. I told him that I didn't want a long engagement and he had another freakout. He said he wasn't ready again. He wants to use the ring as a place-holder until he figures things out. I'm kinda ready to just call it quits.

The engagement hasn't been the only issue though. I sat down by myself last night and thought about our relationship from starting point until where we are currently. We've been together 3 years this week (known eachother 4 years). I realized that I have rarely enjoyed the relationship past the first year. I put a lot of effort into our relationship with no reciprocation. I've frequently compromised to make things easier. I've spent the years wooing him and then trying to show him that I was marriage material.

It feels like he has stopped progressing. After I got my bachelor's, I decided to go on to grad school. He had been out of school and was working free-lance (graphic design). I asked him if he was going to apply at a design firm and he admitted that he didn't have the credentials. Huh? To my knowledge had gotten his degree--he told me he had. He went to an awards banquet with me and said that his degree was in graphic design. It turns out that he didn't get it. So now, he has to figure out what kind of career he can do and find a program for it before he can move forward. He has never lived on his own or away from his mother until now.

He expects me to make every decision and handle every situation. He refused to get a joint account for the time that we were living together and now I have to handle everything as far as bills, rent and maintenance, but I have to factor in what he wants and needs--yet he refuses to help make decisions. He never got a driver's license. When we first got together, I told him that he should get it. He just never did and it has gotten old. I have to take him everywhere. I knew exactly when we were getting engaged because I had to find directions and drive us to an out of the ordinary place. He had a panic attack at my sister's wedding because I wasn't by his side the whole time (I was MOH and had duties). He has met all of my family that attended the wedding and he was sitting with them. Still he had to go outside and lie on the grass to cry for 30 minutes. I noticed he was missing and had to go retrieve him. He has thrown me into social situations with people that I don't know and LEFT ME on my own without even introducing me.

His mother had made statements about us being too young and that "her baby" didn't have to get married right now. This visit, she has suddenly changed her tune. I think what has really happened is that she knows how FI is. She knows how he communicates, that he is not independant and she was worried about someone taking care of him. Now that she knows that I am capable of taking care of him, she has noticed how nice it is not to have worry about him. Now she is all about us getting married and "making her grandbabies".

I have had a hard time beginning to end in this relationship. After wooing him with no reciprocation while dating and being on pins and needles as not to incite him to riot during this short engagement, I think that too dangerous a precedent has been set to move into marriage.

Thank you if you got to the end of this disjointed mess. So I guess my questions are how to break things off? Can this be done amicably? Should I wait until he is gone? Any advice? My head is spinning.

Thank you ladies for your support. I'm really trying to be calm about the whole thing. I know that this can't continue. Over the last couple of months I have become so passive and that's not really like me at all. He is a sweet guy and we were on the same page at first, but so much has changed. Somewhere he stopped growing and I kept changing. I just always felt like I was pushing him into loving me and I hate that feeling. I couldn't imagine being married feeling like this or bringing children into it. That would be terrible. I don't think that wanting to fall in love organically--without so much pushing, or wanting someone to love me completely is too much to ask. It just may be too much to ask of him.

It bothers me that he lied about finishing his degree. It bothers me that according to him he "knew that he wanted me from the start," but he neither planned for a life with me nor chose to be truthful about his education. It bothers me that due to his lack of planning he hasn't been able to grow , feels unprepared and our relationship has halted as a result (can you tell that I'm getting mad?). His mother and aunt are the type to call me and I'm not sure what to do because I did get along well with his family, but I don't feel that I should have to explain my decision to them.

I've talked to my parents about this and they're very supportive. I won't have to split any assets because he gave me money directly to put toward the rent. All of the utilities are already in my name. He is on the lease, but his visa runs out on the 21st. He won't be able to enter the U.S. again until January and that's when our lease ends. The only things he brought with him are his clothes and computer and all of those will go when he does.

I'm torn because I feel like I should tell him about the things that are wrong, but at the same time I don't know if I should because he will want to fix them. I want him to work things out for himself. I really wish him the best, but I don't think I have the strength or patience to sit by while he gets it together. Moreso than that, I know how hard it is for people to change. He could be working at this for years, I don't want to waste the time that I could be spending on getting myself together. I hate how that sounds, but this has been hard. It has taken a toll on my emotional health and I really need to stabilize things for my own sake.

I know that he will want to try to fix whatever is wrong if I tell him, and he will want me to wait. I already know that he will expect me to continue being devoted to him emotionally and use the ring as a placeholder to keep me off of the market until he wants me or finds someone better (I can't afford to pretend that things like that don't happen). I'm emotional about this, but not as sad as I thought I would be. I imagine it could get worse. Eventually I do have to face things being single again, but at the moment that thought inspires me to feel focused and I hope to hang on to that.

I'm sorry you're going through this. No one can make this desicion for you, but in your post I saw several red flags and it sounds like you're extremely unhappy. It seems like you know what you need and want to do. Good luck!

If you're considering trying to work it out, I'd talk to him before he leaves. That way you know you gave it YOUR best shot. Tell him what you want and expect from HIS side of the relationship, and tell him what you won't put up with anymore.

If you are dead set on ending it, I'd wait until he leaves. That gives you time to adjust and make a clean break. It sounds like he is a bit of a baby-- sorry to say-- and you sound too strong for a "man" like that. Be prepared for him to (likely) do some begging and groveling, after you break things off. He KNOWS what a good woman you are, and apparently care giver, and probably won't want to let go of that so easily once he knows you are serious. This break up also might be a wake up call for him, and he might shape up. But at this point, it sounds like he takes you for granted and isn't ready to commit. Let him go. You can do better AND you deserve better. You seem like a smart girl. Don't waste yourself on picking up the pieces, of a grown up baby. We all deserve a PARTNER in our SO, not someone we have to look after/take care of. 

I disagree with NatDawn actually.  While you are risking him pulling some "crazy stunt" if you break things off in person, he is the man you are ENGAGED to.  You guys are emotionally involved to the level of a step before marriage, and he deserves a better break up than over the phone when he is in a different country.  You are risking more by doing it in person, but I think that is the most respectful way to do it.  

This is difficult because I do love him. I just don't know if we should be together. I think that I will tell him what is wrong and that it has made me question continuing in the relationship. To be honest, I don't know if I want to try anymore or not though. Because of this, I am wary of giving him the idea that if he fixes everything that I will stick around.

My mother advises letting the distance do its job. He is a very out of sight out of mind kind of guy. This means that even given the opportunity to fix things, once he is away from my influence and doesn't have me to remind and motivate him to do what he needs to do, he may fall back into old habits.

I appreciate that he is my FI and that may mean he deserves a better breakup than over the phone, but the reason that we are in this place is because everyday has been about his needs over mine. I will explain the issues to him, but I know that stressful situations can make people do things you wouldn't suspect. I'm not sure that I want to put him under that stress when he knows that he is leaving the country.

I think you should tell him before he leaves, but maybe not open the floor up for discussion. If you simply state that you don't think it's working and think a clean break would be best, it might just go that smoothly. I hope it does. Good luck!

If it helps, I went through a very similar situation. I was the one with the Visa (living in the Cayman Islands), but he fit the description of your man very well. We dated for over 5 years, lived together for 4. I had a lot of empty promises, a lot of money, time and effort into the relationship. I had sacrificed my college fun years to ensure he could start getting his act together. It never happened. I really wanted marraige. It was way past due and promised to me for several years, but I never got a real ring. I couldn't get him to plan anything. I ended up having my Work Permit expire so I had to move back to the States. I was more than willing to make things work. He even said he would save money to come visit and potentially even move to the States. BUT, like always, it never came about. After 9 months of waiting for him to do something...anything... I gave up. I realized that there were so many people out there that wouldn't make me jump through so many hoops. There are good, decent and independent men out there that would make wonderful husbands. Husbands that don't need babysitters or personal drivers or explanations and excuses during introductions. A Husband that you can be proud of. I ended the relationship, eventually moved to Ohio (for some crazy reason) and about a year and a half after I moved, I met the man of my dreams (seriously...I made a checklist and he met every single want I had! Including the motorcycle and great family that I love!)  We're engaged after 2 1/2 years of dating and I couldn't be happier about my decisions. I can't say that it will work out the same for you, but you deserve the best and it doesn't sound like you believe you have found that yet. If you have to work every day for it to work, and you're the only one working...I say quit the job and find a better one!

Sorry for the long post! I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide! Sending you happy thoughts! 

If your not comfortable and having second thoughts I would step back and examine the situation.  You have to put yourself first and make yourself happy before anyone else. Good luck!

Honestly; I understand what people are saying about being "respectful" & doing it in person. However; after reading some of the things in your post I picture him being the type to cry & get very emotional and maybe even not leave when he's suppose to. If he is that dependent on you for everything; than he might risk legally leaving to try and beg you to keep him. I guess no one here actually knows your relationship so every opinion should be taken lightly. My opinion would be to do it after he leaves. I guess I just think you never really know someone. You never know what they will do when a major life changing event takes place. At least if he is gone then you know you'll have a clean break until January when he shows up @ your door. Because he probably will. Yes; you want to repsect him as much as possible; but he's not been giving you much either. He seems like he is very dependent and needs someone to take care of him. He doesn't seem driven to do things on his own for himself. & the biggest problem here is that he isn't ready for marriage. He's trying to make it seem like he is; but his actions are showing that he is not.  It won't be easy and there really is no amicable way to do it. It's gotta be cut and paste. "I'm not happy. We're not working. I'm sorry; it's over." I wish you the best of luck in your decision. Let us know what you decide to do. Either way I think your making the right decision.