Post # 1
I am having some very serious cold feet. There have been several things that have come up between me and my fiance lately, and we have been arguing more.
One thing is his not helping me very much to prepare for the wedding. This had been an issue for the past year. I had not listened to him enough about what he wanted for the wedding (not very much) and he had come to feel alienated from the process. His response to that was to sort of go through the motions of engaging, like saying he would do a certain thing, and then not do that thing and not say anything and let deadlines pass. It drove me absolutely nuts.
Fast forward to now, with six days to the wedding. I am scrambling to get decorations together and put together all the last minute details. I figure he will help me. It is crunch time. He says he’ll help, but he acts reluctant and tells me he’d rather be watching a movie. I get upset and start to cry a little as he heads off to the other room. When he comes back, I say it is like the times in the past when he didn’t help me. He says it is like the times in the past when he felt like he couldn’t ask for downtime without making me mad.
He says that this argument combined with the one we’d had earlier in the day was making him feel exhausted and pessimistic. I reassured him that I was working on myself and my behavior really hard and making good progress.
So I let him go do whatever, wondering if he would complete the thing he said he would tonight. He said he was going to watch a show. He came back and asked if it was really ok that he was doing that, and then came back a while later and asked the same question. I said both times that it was ok even though it was not ok with me that he watch tv for hours 6 days to the wedding when there is stuff to be done. I felt sad and discouraged, but I felt like that was the only acceptable answer and I didn’t feel like another argument.
So, he proceeds to get drunk. I proceed to try to do his task for him, because it needed to be done before tomorrow. All the while he is demanding why I am doing his job when he said that he would do it. I stopped doing it. I felt too disheartened to complete my own work. He went to bed without doing his work.
I feel like calling it all off. Help.
Post # 3
this kinda makes me smile a little, knowing exactly how you feel. i think every girl on the face of the planet goes through this to some extent in the planning process.
its just something you have to understand: you care. he doesnt. you always will. he probably wont. you want his help. he would rather clean the toilet (which is what my FI told me about a month before our wedding and we had a full time wedding planner to boot). its just life. its like why you wont understand his obsession with fishing trips and sitting in the dirt for three day catching nothing. or why he will never understand why we find it necessary to have 20+ pairs of shoes.
this is not a hill you need to die on. its just not. you dont need to call it off or even think about doing so. this is marriage, this is relationships. not that its always a tug of war, but sometimes it trying to understand why the other person jsut doenst get it, and leave it at that.
take a deep breath, think about why you love him, and marry that guy!
Post # 4
Either he his being a pathetic child ……or there is a lot more to this.
If he is just being an obnoxious child I wouldcall off the wedding, unless of course there is a reason (something you have done/said to make hime feel like not wanting to contribute) which is makeing him act this way, only you know the answer to this one I am afraid.
Edit: I just read the other posters response, maybe I am biased because my husband helped heaps, not at the start but definately in the last month, maybe I am just really lucky!Good Luck
Post # 5
I guess it’s not that he categorically not interested in wedding crapola. The thing is that we don’t have a wedding planner. Whatever he okays and we decide to do and he doesn’t help with falls on me. Totally on me. We are right up against the line, and instead of jumping in there and helping me, he wants to watch tv and maybe suggest that we should just cancel aspects of the wedding rather than him having to stress at all to lend a hand.
The big issue is that I feel like I cannot say, no, it’s not cool with me if you watch tv while I scramble to put our wedding together. To say that is a major problem because I am not letting him be him and am not making it okay for him to say that he needs copious amounts of down time when he believes he needs that.
Post # 6
@diydolly: Seriously he needs to help, you need to tell him,
Tell him you want his help and hear his response before you cancel a wedding, he sounds like he is ‘taking the piss’ (not sure if that is just an Aussie term)
Post # 7
I just don’t think planning the wedding is something guys get totally into. I wouldnt take it so personally. Do you have some friends that can help you?
I don’t expect my fiance to help with crafty stuff. I have over 150 save the dates to address and he hasnt offered to help, but that isn’t something to argue over. I have learned after 6 years that you must pick your battles. Somethings just arent worth getting mad over. Plus he probably hears you saying it is ok that he watches tv so he thinks you truly mean it. They are not aware of our “code words” to try and get them to do the opposite. 😛
I have over 5 friends who have already gotten married and this was an issue with them too so you are not alone. I just learned to not expect him to get down tothe nitty gritty dirty wedding planning stuff. Therefore, I haven’t asked him to choose between this purple or that purple. He helped with the venue choice, dj choice, photogrpahy and cake. Other than those items he is pretty much trusting in me.
Unless there are deeper issues or problems then I wouldnt call off the wedding. I hope evertyhing works out!
Post # 8
Getting married is stressful for everyone involved. Cold feet are normal! Try to remember that women are much better at multi-tasking than men are. It’s not fair, it sucks that they can’t give it 110% like us women do, but sometimes you just have to pick your battles.
Maybe sit down with him for a few minutes and watch his show with him. This will remind him that you can take time for the things he is interested in. I also think that will spark his interest to get to what is important to you.
Remember what the wedding is all about-being together. Try not to see this for more than what it is. He is likely nervous about the wedding also, and watching tv probably helps keep him from feeling overwhelmed.
Go sit next to him, snuggle up and smile at him. I’m sure it will make a huge difference in how you are both feeling. Remind eachother what this wedding is all about.
Maybe have a nice glass of wine tonight before bed and allow yourself to feel the excitement of getting married!
Post # 9
I had sat down and watched and enjoyed his show with him for an hour and a half already. I actuallu think he should follow through with his verbal commitments rather than me let him off the hook for leaving me high and dry at the eleventh hour because he has less intrinsic interest in decorating than I do. I don’t think he should get drunk when he promised to help me.
Post # 10
I have done almost all the rest of the crafty stuff, but I need help now just before the wedding. I don’t have friends who can help right now. It is also now or never for decorating our venue. And darn it, it’s his wedding too, and he promised me he would do this. I was counting on him. It would have been another thing entirely for him to have informed me a while back that he would not be helping me at all.
Post # 11
Well, I can tell you that if he is this way now, don’t expect much help when you have a baby. Looks like all the feedings, changing, playing, and bathing are on you. I hope you are okay with this if you marry him. I know it hurts but men DON’T change when they get married.
Post # 12
I think you should see if you can get away, not do wedding planning at all with him for an afternoon or overnight, and talk to him while you’re away. You probably need to reconnect again and realize why you want to get married.
I find wedding planning to be so consuming. We always seem to be talking and planning the wedding. I have felt a bit of a strain at times too, but I think it’s normal. If you think the bone are there for a solid relationship, you should be okay. If you have serious concerns, you need to have a heart to heart now with him.
I’m sorry, that feeling is a terrible one. I hope you can be reassured. In the meantime, recruit other people to help too!
Post # 13
My FI doesn’t care about the wedding either. He just wants to be married; how we get to that point is little concern of his. I know it’s frustrating but I don’t think it’s a valid reason for canceling your wedding. Best of luck.
Post # 14
Hi – I’m sorry you are having a hard time. Is there anyone else who can help you like your parents or family?
Like others mentioned here – this type of stuff isnt most men’s favorite stuff to do in the world. As you said yourself, you’ve sort of ignored his desires and made this your own. Any ownership he had has been taken from him so I can definitely understand his disinterest and possible resentment.
I say just suck it up and get it done.
Post # 15
What if like Burris said that he decides he has less interest in caring for a baby and raising children than I do and just doesn’t do as much as I do because he doesn’t feel like it, that he would rather be doing other things. I am not such a maternal type that I want to raise a kid virtually by myself. What if work is not something he is interested in too much and he decides not to do very much of it? What if there are other promises he makes which he subsequently finds unpleasant and doesn’t follow through with but are important to me? What if I continue to risk anger and blowups from him if I express displeasure with any of this?
Post # 16
Well, I have sort of taken wedding from him in the past. A few months ago, he really made it clear that that’s how the situation looked to him, and I really really really apologized and made huge efforts to mend my ways. He told me that it was really important to make the wedding his too, and I agreed.
Is it my penance to accept him telling me he would do things, and then not doing them, and either I have to do those things, or they don’t get done? This is hard for me to do. When he behaves like this, it makes me feel like he doesn’t care about me or getting married to me.