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Honestly, he needs to straighten up. Once you're in college, you're expected to take at least a small amount of responsibility. You need to set some ground rules and make him abide by them- helping out around the house and maybe even get a job to pay rent. Not doing so is just enabling him to continue down this path.
I think KMSull is right...he needs to straighten up. I like the idea of him needing to pay rent. Maybe it will teach him something.
He does pay rent. He has a part time job. But if he quits he's gunna need a better job and he has no experience and no plan. If he quits this semester, I will probably tell him he needs to move out. My mom wants him to move in to her house in hopes of reining him in. I just don't want him to drop out and never get back to school and not really have a career.
Um...I don't know if living with your Mom is going to make him any more responsible. It might just make him worse. Would he pay rent to her or would he stay there scott free? He's basically be getting everything for free, so I don't know if that would be teaching him to be resopnsible.
I'm sorry that you have to deal with this. = ( Its not really fair, is it.
Okay, then if he pays rent then he needs to help out with housework- cleaning, laundry, cooking, taking out the trash. And you need to have a serious conversation with your mom (regardless of whether he moves back in with her or not) about not enabling him- my parents have enabled me my whole life and I'm struggling to make it in the "real world"... take it from me, it's not fun and it is NOT what I want to be doing. I worked full-time, went to school full time and had a boyfriend my senior year of college and it was miserable but I did it. You might want to try to have him give THAT a go and see how he likes it.
There's something called natural consequences. If he keeps up the way he's going, he will fail out of school, but that's the natural consequence of not putting in the effort. The nautral consequence of not helping out around the house should be that he is not allowed to live there anymore. He has to grow up some time, and if there are no consequences to his actions, he won't have any incentive to grow up.
vanessa b: I feel the same way. I don't want to be an enabler. I don't necessarily think my mom does either. I think she would make him pay some rent and work out chores.
I just needed an opportunity to vent because its so frustrating to see someone I care about make bad choices and I can't really help him.
I can totally understand, Bamboo. It's hard when someone you love is making bad decisions. *HUGS* to you.
I think its good that you are genuinely concerned but I think things will have to run its course. As a sister, I would just say be there for him unconditionally. Sometimes college REALLY isn't for everyone. Good luck to both of you :)
I know this might not be what you want to hear but maybe he needs to drop out of school for a little while. But he would need to work full time somewhere to pay his bills and not just lounge around the house. That might make him understand that if he doesn't go to school, he won't make enough money to go out and have fun and might make him go back and take it more seriously. I don't necessarily think that giving him an education financed by your parents will make him straighten up and appreciate it more.
That's so frustrating! My best friend and her fiance recently went through something like this with his little sister. She was living with them and pay (a ridiculously low) rent, but she never helped out around the house and would always complain about paying rent, and she was doing TERRIBLE in school 'cause she was always partying, etc. But they finally sat down and talked to her and told her that she couldn't live with them if she was going to act like that. It wasn't a popular decision with their parents (they seem to be enablers a little bit), but she's since moved out on her own and it sounds like she's realizing how easy she had it before and she's starting to see that she needs to straighten up. You need to have a serious conversation with him and tell him that if he doesn't clean up his act he will have to move out.
It's nice that he pays you rent.. but I think you need to sit down with him and give him a list of expectations for his behavior while he lives under your roof. Give him a curfew and also a GPA that he has to stay above. You and him should sign a contract and if he breaks it, then he needs to leave. Tough love is the only way to go in this case.
Sometimes, it's just not the right time to be in school. If he drops out and still lives with you, the rent needs to go up and he'll need to get a better job or work more hours.
I know you don't want him to fail, but he might have to figure it out on his own.
My sister flunked out her freshman year, though she was in the dorms. My parents made her pay them back the $ they had put towards her education. Even though she is smart, she then had to work full time and go to comm. college to prove she had changed her tune and get a solid GPA. She still went on to get her masters.
Maybe he has to hit rock bottom on his own, and definitely don't let him take advantage of YOU! All is not lost, though, as some people just don't "get it" at 18/19 but don't give up on him completely.
Thanks ladies. I really appreciate everyone's input. He hasn't told me, but he called my mom last night to tell her he is going to transfer to the community college here. I don't know what to think. In a way I'm glad he's still planning on going to school, but on the other hand he still has to work to make grade at a comm. college and I don't know if he will put in the effort!
I would think he would take a little more responsibility for school from the money aspect.Freshman year he had to pay 1/3. Since he did terribly my dad told him that he wasn't going to help him anymore unless he proved this semester that he was invested. so this semester he's paid more like 2/3 plus all living expenses.Now he's probably going to be footing it all.
I don't think college is necessary for everyone, but I do think special training is. Even if you go into a field in which traditional college type learning isn't the norm, you still have special skills that need to be learned.
I know he can go back if he straightens out, but I just worry that if he doesn't get on the horse now, he never will.
Sorry for the schizo update...
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NWR alert...
So my brother is a sophomore in college and STRUGGLING. His first year he did so bad he is on academic probation and I don't think he's doing well now. He goes out all the time, is always with his friends, never goes to class, but then complains about it! My mom is so upset. BTW he has no alternative plans either. Right now he lives with FI and I. He doesn't help out around here unless I get on him to and he's always coming and going at random times.
I can't stand it. All he cares about his going out with friends and partying. But I don't think there's much we can do or say to help him get on track. He just expect things to fall into his lap!
Thanks for letting me vent! I about went off on him today when he came home to shower so he could go over to another friends and drink all day while the game's on. AH!