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This is definitely not my area of expertise, but I put a lot of stock in a mother's instinct and both you and your DH seem to think something's off.
What are her qualifications? Does she have a license for the home daycare (there was actually a baby's death in my area earlier this year from negligence of a non-licensed home daycare), does she have a degree in education or any kind of formal training?
You saying she's 'good at making excuses or brushes things off' - that wouldn't sit well with me - it's your CHILD she's watching - and if you want to know why she's not answering when you're there or can't explain her actions - I'd be searching elsewhere.
Coming from a childcare background, this is not acceptable. She should NEVER leave the children alone for any amount of time. Could your son tell you where he heard bad boy from? I would begin looking into a realy child care center that has cameras that you can view during the day by logging onto their site.
I'm not a mother, but the fact that she's flustered or nowhere to be found when you show up early seems like a big red flag to me. Unfortunately as this is her home daycare, there isn't exactly a supervisor or anyone who can keep tabs on what actually goes on when you're not there, and it sounds like every time she's questioned she just has another excuse. Short of bugging her house there's really no way to find out if she is hitting your son or not. I would probably just go with your gut and try to find another daycare.
Hmm, I'm inclined to say that if you AND your DH think something is up then something is probably up.
Since you have no proof that anything is going on, I would probably just start a search for another daycare provider and keep an eye on the situation until then.
You each need to make time for a few unnannounced visits, and really see what goes on. If she has nothing to hide, everything will be fine. If she's upset or balks at the intrusion, its time to say goodbye to her and her services.
Trust your instincts.
@StaceyMay81: You need to go with your gut instincts here. How many months is your son? There is a huge difference in development between 24 months, 30 months, almost 3 yrs etc. My daughter is 2.5 yrs and I've been able to hold complete conversations with her since she was 18 months. I would simply ask her if her teacher was hitting her or what happened each day and she would be able to tell me in detail what was going in. If your son is not yet communicating well enough yet to tell you, I can see why you're concerned.
It's a hard situation to judge. Kids at that age do copy a lot so I think the "bad dog" thing is possible but a little far fetched. Is the teacher also hitting the dog when she disciplines it in front of the kids? Your son seems happy there?
I actually have a home daycare myself. Very casual, I just watch a friends two children age 3 and 8 (just after school care for the older one). I don't know what to think about the teacher being "missing" during pickup and dropoff times. I'll admit I use the restroom, take a shower etc when the kids are here. However my daughter is quite mature for her age and I've been watching the 3 yr old since she was a newborn. I know they can be trusted for a few minutes alone and they know not to get into anything they're not supposed to. When they were younger, I always made sure they were in a playpen or something if I couldn't supervise for a few min or I waited till nap time. I also know the general times the kids will be picked up or dropped off and always make sure I'm available at that time to chat with their parents.
How many kids does she watch and how old are they? The main thing is that you trust your instincts here. Obviously spanking someone else's kid is a huge no no and if she has a daycare license she would lose it immediately. If she is licensed maybe you can ask the state to check up on her. Or talk to the other parents?
@smyley: Totally agree. It may just be a phase (esp if the other child is modeling hitting) but I'd follow your gut and pop in unannounced a few times. Stop over to bring some medicine you forgot (even if it's just children's Tylenol), pick him up early because of a 'switched dental appointment,' whatever it is. If she isn't around or is angry when you're dropping in at other times, that's a problem in itself!
I agree very much with making a few unscheduled visits. Is your son able to answer you if you were to ask him if he's ever been hit at daycare?
Yikes! I'd ask your son (if he's at an age where he's responsive) and drop in unannounced a few times ASAP. This seems very suspicious and scary. Good luck!
Thanks for all the responses, we are definitely going to do some unscheduled visits to see if we can get more information or catch things that seem to be going on.
In answering some of your questions: when he says "bad boy" and hits, I ask him if his daycare teacher does that to him. Instead of answering, he just repeats the same question I ask him, because he's in parrot mode right now. But it's the repetition of things that's making me think he is repeating something she is doing. The only other child currently there is younger than him and doesn't talk so he's not learning it from him.
She's not licensed, no. There's very few licensed home daycares in my area and they were full when I was looking. She has raised 3 kids of her own who are now teenagers, and I have always gotten the vibe that she is very strict with them.
I feel like I keep pulling him from daycares and I don't want to jump the gun. I'm so NOT the over the top crazy-protective mom type but I have had some really BAD experiences with daycare and I know that if I told you some of them, you would be shocked. They're valid complaints; the things I'm concerned about now are peanuts compared to what I've been through with daycares. That's why this situation has been good for me for almost a year now, and I'm really bummed that I might have to pull him but obviously I'm going to do what I have to do. I'm always going to look out for my child's best interest as a mother.
Thanks again.
Can you try making an anonymous complaint to Child Protective Services or someone like that? They could go check out the place and see what's going on. At least it would make the woman sharpen up and know that someone knows she may be mistreating your child.
I'll keep you guys in my thoughts and prayers that this is resolved quickly and painlessly.
I work in a daycare, nanny, babysit and study child and family development... it is NOT ok to leave young children alone for 10 minutes (and that's the MINIMUM amount of time she was missing?????) Maybe 3 and up you could justify leaving them to go to the bathroom, but you need to be in shouting distance at all times no matter what.
I'd pull him and look for other care JUST based on that
Sometimes, and I'm saying SOMETIMES, a kid will take something and exagerate it. When my son does something bad I point at him and shake my finger and say "no, no" with only the occasional swat on the but for bigger things like trying to push the laptop on the floor but every time I tell him "no, no" he starts hitting his leg or us and saying "no, no" himself. If this is possible for your child then I would ask questions first but if not then I would start looking for another place until you can get everything resolved.
When I was pregnant and babysat a 2 year old, I took her with me when I did everything except going to the bathroom and then I put her in her play pen so nothing could happen for those few minutes I was gone. You should never leave a child alone unless they are old enough to not get into anything or they are in a safe baby-proof room with a gate up so they can play without getting hurt. Even then I would stay one room over if it were me. You need to get to the bottom of this. If he is being hit without you approving of it as a diciplinary issue (and even then no one but the parent should do it) then there is a major problem.
Always trust your instinct. I suggest starting to look for another daycare and get out of there as soon as you can. If you both feel like something is off, then trust that instinct. Is there any way you can show up early again, just to see what is going on? Even if it is a home daycare and not a center, that does not matter...you should be able to show up when you need to and not worry about what is going on.
She seems negligent but maybe she raised her kids with hitting them...my DH's family used to beat the kids with big spoons and spatulas (and DH is in his 20s so it's not like it was many years ago.
Being an early childhood teacher this is not ok, at all. I don't know the laws and regulations for where you are, but they should not be left alone, especially for at least 10 minutes! I would find somewhere else and trust your instincts, something is not right with the care and the actions of your child.
As a teacher of kindergarten I have 29 3, 4 and 5 year olds in my class and I can see two things from this:
1. I wouldn't assume that your son is beng hit because of his behaviour, but I wouldn't discount it either. I have seen this before in a few students where they copy behaviours to try and explain them to themselves. One child I had would hit everyone and scream "bad" in Punjabi to copy a friend of his in our class. The boy didn't even speak Punjabi, but was simply copying what happened when his friend was angry. A girl in my class used to hit everyone from the teacher to her best friend and we later found out her dad was spanking her and then lecturing her on hitting others. When he stopped spanking, she stopped hitting (and no, I don't mean this as a lecture against spanking because it is legal and I know for some kids it works, etc)
2. As an educator and the person who cares for children all day I would never, ever, EVER even leave the room without someone "relieving" me. ESPECIALLY for such a long period of time! I think of all the times a child in my class has had an accident in their pants, put stuff in their mouth, got into a disagreement, tried to walk around with scissors and I panic thinking about how your child was left with others for over 10 minutes without supervision AND she wasn't flustered. That is a big no-no.
Finally, I want to mention that I went to two day care providers growing up that were abusive/neglectful. (I also went to three who are like second mom's, mind you). The first bad one my mom pulled my sister and I out of because she found us one day playing in a camper, alone, at age 3 and 5. She claims we were playing with knives, but I don't really remember much except that we were having a "party". We never went back. The second bad one I went to was abusive. The woman had her "princess" daughter. When her daughter was mad at my sister or I she would tell her mom we had done A B or C. My sister learned to stay out of her way but she hated me. Anyways, as a punishment for taking her toy, hitting her, whatever other BS the girl made up, my babysitter would lock me outside in the winter with just my inside clothes for 20-30 minutes. After about a year of this (and into the second winter) I told my mom. She didn't believe me. I kept crying and begging her not to go (mind you I was 10 so I wasn't one say this because of home sickness) and finally after about a month she took the day off, spied on us, saw me outside and we never went back.
I think you need to do two things: 1. Request an explination of where the heck she is going for such long periods of time and discuss your child's safety. 2. Monitor your son for signs of abuse. You don't want to say "who is hitting you" as most children that young will fill in the blank to appease you. The best way is to ask, gently and without pressing, simple questions about how hitting is wrong and when he has seen someone hit, or read a story like "No more hitting for Hammy Hamster" or "Hands are for Helpng" and see if he will relate to it. This might take him out of "parrot mode" and make it easier for him to relate to a situation he is in.
Sorry for the really long post!
@takemyhand: THIS. As a pre-K teacher, I agree with everything you said. I could NEVER imagine leaving kids alone like that. I freak out when kids don't chew their food well enough and start coughing, hold scissors the wrong way, or bump their heads.
She needs to be in that room. I teach Pre-k and had a child stick a bead in her nose. with 2 teachers and a parent in the room!!
I hope everything works out!
I agree with takemyhand - Kids do copy other kids.
Unless there is physical evidence you shouldn't panic.
In regards to her missing for 10 min. Is there another person to relieve her? If there isn't and you knew about this at the start you can't expect much. She might be going through female problems! Who knows?! Ask her if she is alright! If she says yes, just tell her the truth. Ohhh because I was wondering the other day I came over to pick/drop off my son and I wanted to ask you something and you were missing for 10 minutes. Just wondering if you are o.k.
I think the un-announced visits would not inform you of much else. Logically, you have seen what happens when she goes missing for 10 min. You could be worried about a tap on a hand! A hard hit would be different though. BUT be up front in a nice way. Use tact, and speak more in a concerned tone.
I'm sorry but just by you saying there has been TWO incidents where she was no where to be found for an extended period of time I would take him out of there.
Bathroom breaks don't take 10 minutes. How big can her house possibly be that your husband was calling her and she could not respond?
That's just me though.
About the leaving children alone thing, I have 3 and there are times when I DO have to use the bathroom. I'll put the baby in the crib where he's safe and the house is generally baby proofed, but I'll make sure anything that could be dangerous is put away and then I'll rush to the bathroom. The children are 8 months, 2 years, and 5 years. I'm not defending her, because 10 minutes is a LONG time, but there are times when in a safe home children can be left alone for a few moments as long as they are occupied. What she's done seems pretty fishy.
I would get off early from work someday and drop in unexpectedly again and see how things are going. I've never experienced anything like this, but I wouldn't want to make a judgement call too early, especially since this caregiver fits your budget and other needs so well. Don't be embarrassed if you have to dig a little with her to get some answers, it's her job and she shouldn't be skirting any issues when it comes to your kiddo.
I think you got a lot of great advice here from previous posters. I just wanted to add one thing that stood out to me. You said that one time your husband came to pickup your son & waiting for about 10 minutes. The caretaker never came out (from wherever she was) so your husband just took your son... that is very scary to me! What if some crazy person stumbled upon the house, and was so easily able to take your son as well?
Did she call you when she noticed your son was missing? Does your husband have keys to let himself into the house?
You may live in a small town and this may be very common, but I just wanted to point out that it doesn't sound safe that your husband was able to get your son without even taking to the caretaker. If it was so easy for your husband, it might also be easy for someone who doesn't have such good intentions. I think there ARE some reasonable explanations for being away from the children (afterall, with only one caretaker, there are probably times when she is going to need to use the bathroom), but I would hope the doors would be locked and the children would be safe.
Good luck-- I hope you get it all figured out.
I use to work as a child care center director, and as others have said this really isn't acceptable. Children need to be supervised, and I get if she's doing care out of her house that isn't licensed her house is safe and the kids are in a safe place it isn't that horrible of a situation. The part that freaks me out is the length of time, and the fact that your husband could walk in and remove the child without her even noticing, or being there to make sure the right person is taking hte right child home.
I think as a parent it's natural and completely in your right to assume he's learning it from her. He's young still, and probably isn't trying to get anyone in trouble. If it was my kid, I would assume to be on the safe side rather than think of it as nothing.
My recommendation would be to remove him. I hope you've been able to make surprised unannounced visits to see what is happening. I would definitely find him a new place that is better for your son.
I am a mother of two small children and I absolutely would not leave my child in this person's care for even one more day. Trust your instincts, mothers are rarely wrong about their child's wellbeing.
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When I first went back to work after my maternity leave, I had a lot of problems finding daycare for my child. (Long story, but it had to do with extreme health issues.) I finally got him settled into a home daycare where he's been for almost a year. The daycare is 5 minutes away from my house, the woman who looks after him has been a great teacher, and she's very flexible and affordable. I have been extremely happy with his development since he's been there, and she sends me weekly updates as to what he has been eating, what he has been learning etc.
My 2 year old has gone into "parrot" mode recently (as children do at this age) but what I have found unsettling is that he is constantly saying "bad boy!" and then he will hit himself on the hand or arm, or he will hit myself or my husband and say "bad boy!"
The other day his daycare teacher mentioned something about the other boy in his class hitting and I took the opportunity to say "Oh, funny you mention that, B (my son) has been hitting us too. He'll hit us or himself and say bad boy...I don't even know where he would get that from." She said the only thing she could thing of was that she says "bad dog" alot. So I left it at that.
He keeps doing this repeatedly though and I'm not sure how else to approach it other than correcting him, obviously. This is not a behaviour I want my child to continue, I don't use hitting in my household as a form of punishment and I don't want anyone else to use it with my child either. Hitting perpetuates more hitting. Also if other people see him doing this, they are going to think WE are the ones hitting him!
There was also a time that my husband showed up early to pick our son up and his teacher was nowhere to be found for over 10 minutes; the kids were just playing by themselves. He called her name several times and eventually ended up taking our son and leaving because he couldn't find her. She later said she had been in the bathroom. This happened again when I went to drop him off one morning and I was earlier than usual. The other boy was in the playroom and she was nowhere to be seen for a few minutes. When she appeared her face was red and she made a comment about looking for something.
I'm just not sure how to approach this and I don't want to seem like the crazy mom or move him out of a daycare if it's not warranted. I want to talk it out with her but she's really good at brushing things off or making excuses so it's hard.
Is this a big deal or am I overreacting? Any tips on how to approach it? Thanks in advance.