Post # 1
And this thought scares me more than anything. I’ve posted on here before about some of the stuff I was going through with her. How I couldn’t get her to talk to me or send me her address so I could invite her to the wedding, etc. When I went over there the other week she told me she was cutting everyone off. That was the day she also bailed her boyfriend out of jail.
See, here are some of the signs I’ve noticed.
- Her boyfriend was recently arrested for his third domestic violence charge
- He’s hit his baby mama (not my cousin) in front of his four year old baby
- He broke up with my cousin for no reason at all..my cousin had no idea why
- He would tell her that she better be at the bar to pick him up when he told her to, otherwise he’d be furious (manipulation…and she’s only 19)
- She bailed him out of jail splitting the money with her friends
- My cousin lived with a roommate I knew from school. The boyfriend lived there for a while but then was disrespectful, roommate asked him to leave, bf didn’t like her anymore. Shortly after my cousin told roommate she was moving out because bf didn’t like roommate anymore
- Since moving out roommate texted cousin to tell her that she left some stuff at the house. No response.
I’m just beginning to feel that maybe her cutting everyone off is not all her choice. Especially when roommate and her were very close until recently. Now that she’s moved again I have no idea where she is or what’s going on. She’s not responding to texts or phone calls.
God, I hate being in a position where I can’t do anything but sit back and watch horrible things happen.
Post # 3
I am sorry for you and your cousin. It is hell to recognize the signs of someone’s downhill spiral but not be able to stop it. Here is a website that may be able to help you http://www.thehotline.org/get-educated/how-can-i-help-a-friend-or-family-member-who-is-being-abused/. HUGS!
Post # 4
Thank you for that link, my dear!
Post # 5
It really does sound like it’s very possible, which is horrible. It would also explain her baffling behavior. Abused women don’t want to anger the spouses or get in trouble or whatever.
I hope she can realize that she’s worth more, and soon!
Edit: Also, when we are young, love is the end all be all even though we often can’t recognize what love is. Stockholm syndrome does not = love. Sooo she also may be angry at you and others for interfering and trying to break her and “the love of her life” up.
Like “stop trying to break us up! He loves me….he just gets angry sometimes. Every one does!”
Post # 6
I am so sorry you’re in that position.
That was me a few years ago…. only I was your cousin.
There’s not really a whole lot you can do but really try and just love her… and hope that she can see that.
I know what made a HUGE impact in my “starting to get out” and away from him process was something my sister said but idk if it would be the same here since she’s withdrawaling from everyone.
anyhoo she told me to stop complaining to her about how he was.. that if I was gonna stay I just needed to deal with it or I needed to leave.
Pretty much make yourself available to her but don’t push… just so she knows that when that night comes that she’s out the curb b/c she doesn’t want to go back in.. she can call you.
You might also read a book called Captivating and then see if you can filter some of the aspects it goes into her… It really change my life and I started to see that I was worth more than I was being treated and it helped me begin to set up boundaries against the abuse w/o going crazy dominating and just try to be more abusive than he was.
Sorry I couldn’t be more help… =/
Post # 7
@runsyellowlites: Thank you for that. I know that there isn’t anything else you, nor I can do. I’m sure that she’s doing a lot of this out of her rebellion to the tough childhood she grew up in (I had something similar but we turned out very different) and maybe not realizing that she deserves so much better.
I’m also sure that part of this has to do with her large lack of self esteem throughout the years. She’s struggled with it a lot and while I’ve done my best to try to prove to her I think she’s worth so much more, it obviously hasn’t impacted her. And I just feel that in combination of her rebellious need to push us all away and her desperate need to have affection any way she can she’s put herself in this compromising situation.
I’m really glad that you were able to get out of your abusive relationship and be here to help me along. Your story is here to inspire others. This whole thing just breaks my heart. I want to be there to help her out, but I feel like she doesn’t trust anyone. The only reason I know all of these things is because her roommate, out of the concern of her heart, told me all of these things hoping I could be the one to drag her out of this situation. But apparently me trying to have a five minute talk didn’t work. I thought maybe it was because she was mad at me but I’m worried since it was the day she bailed him out of jail it was also because of her being stupid and him being angry.
I’m just praying my heart out over all of this. And it also makes not a lot of sense to me since her old boyfriend treated her soooo wonderfully, bought her her car, put her on his insurance, she lived with his sister, everything. And then I found out that the reason they broke up is because they whole time they were together she cheated on him. Ouch.
Post # 8
My heart literally breaks over this… you have no idea.. I HATE seeing people destroyed from the hurts they’ve endured in their hearts. Gosh there are soooo many heart issues that go into things like this.
I mean I still had a lot of heart damage when DH and I got together…. gosh he’s loved me so well from teh very beginning but let me tell you.. I tried to leave so many times. Just didn’t feel worthy… and that’s AFTER letting Jesus heal my heart. *sigh*
You just gotta pray her up girl… That book Captivating is a WONDERFUL book and goes into how we get that heart damage and how we act out of it.. You should it read.. it’ll help, if nothing else to love her well through it and not get hard b/c she’s hard (cause I’ve seen that happen too)
So scriptures I like in situations like this are
Romans 4:17.. To call things which do not exist as though they did… It refers back to calling Abraham a father of many nations before He was even able to conceive.
^this you do by in your prayer time.. start saying and believing regardless of how she looks now that she IS going to be whole, that she IS going to see that she is loved & what it means to be loved, that she IS going to come out of this to be stronger than when she went in and only more equipped to fulfilling God’s plan for her….oh geeze.. I’m getting fired up now. lol.. you get the picture though.
and Hosea 2… which is about how God will cut everything off so that we can turn back to Him.. but when He does how loving he is and my favorite verse
v.14… Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness and speak comfort to her.
*sigh* I love that one… lol
I will definitely add this to my prayer list and for sure keep me updated.. if I can help with guidance or anything I would soo love to… pm me anytime… and if you ever want someone to agree with you in prayer I’ll be there.. don’t care what time of day/night, just let me know Like I said I HATE seeing this.. especially knowing the things I know now
Post # 9
This is a tough issue to deal with. I too was in your cousin’s position. It wasn’t my choice to cut everyone out of my life. It was simply a survival mechanism. Unfortunately we tend to take the path of least resistance. Social connections become not worth the abuse. Abusers try to undermine your support system. I am so glad that people stood waiting and when the time came, helped me to get out. Unfortunately I faced a lot of condemnation from the religious community. (One of the reasons I stayed as long as I did.) I have since learned the difference between religious and Christian.
I will definitely be praying for your dear cousin. I know what that nightmare is like. Keep loving her and undergirding her in prayer. That is all you can do right now but believe me it does make a huge difference! Please keep me updated.
Love & Prayers
Post # 10
@secondchances:thank you for this. I believe that this is another reason why she is cutting people out of her life too, is because both of our families are extremely religious and condemning. I just hope she realizes I’m not.
Post # 11
@SweetRose2011: I’m so sorry to hear this. A few years ago, I was in the same position your cousin was in… Eventually, I realized my family was right, and I was able to get out. I truly hope and pray the same can happen for your cousin.