I think my fiance is addicted to his pc and is a Peter Pan..

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1108 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

Hmmm he sounds pretty immature and if it comes to you making fake accounts to see what he’s up to I don’t think you should marry him!

Post # 5
Member
4411 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

My husband and I both spend a LOT of time on our computers. So I completely understand feeling like the computer is monopolizing his time when he could be using that time for other things. DH and I have both admitted that we both have a problem with that. However, we’ve settled into a routine that is comfortable, and to combat the too much time on the computer thing, we have started having weekly date nights where the computers, including the smartphones, are off limits during that time.

In your situation, I don’t think I see the computer as being your biggest issue. The fact that you created a Youtube account to entice him, spy on him and basically trap him, shows there are some trust issues going on. What you did was calculated and underhanded with the intention of wanting to confront him when he screwed up. I understand wanting to find out what he would do, but you already knew he had admitted to a Youtube addiction, you already knew his likes and dislikes, you knew how to get his attention, what turned him on, what interested him, etc.  And you used that knowledge to set him up to fail. You set up a sting…a carefully planned deception to trap him in wrong doing.

You found out what you wanted to know, but at what price? Now he cannot trust you, because you deceived and tricked him, and you cannot trust him, because he fell for your deceptive trap.  

In a loving relationship, you don’t set each other up to fail or disappoint. Instead, you make it extremely easy for each other to succeed and delight.  Rather than confronting each other on what each of you does wrong in the relationship, you encourage each other to do more of what you both do right. 

When my husband starts to take things that I do for granted, like making his lunch everyday for work, I do something that reminds him that I need appreciation. It can be as simple as putting a little post-it note on his sandwich that says, “made with love by your wife.”  Or if I feel I’m not getting the attention I need, I don’t confront him with what he’s doing that taking his time away from me, I simply tell him that I need more time with him, and ask him to find a way to give me an additional hour everyday for a while. 

I guess what I’m saying is if you love this man, don’t play tricks that set him up to fail. Do things that set him up to succeed. This will give him the encouragement and self-esteem to do better. And if you want your relationship to succeed, you both need to work on rebuilding some trust in each other. 

 

Post # 7
Member
4411 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

12stars:  I understood that when I read your original post. You felt, and still feel, justified in what you did. You feel it was the right thing to do given the circumstances.  It’s not a choice that I would have made in a relationship that I wanted to be in for the long haul, because I wouldn’t like the person I had to become in order to do it. 

A few years ago when I was planning a surprise birthday party for my husband, I was looking in his email and on his Facebook to find out if there were any people I should invite that he was in contact with that I didn’t know. I came across a recent, at the time, inappropriate conversation between him and another woman. I was devastated. Nothing had actually happened between them, but it hurt nonetheless. I confronted him about it. There was lots of yelling, lots of tears, lots of hugs. He cut off all communication with her without giving her any explanation other than he could not talk to her any more.

After that, I found myself sneaking on his computer, looking for other indescretions. I never found any. But that’s not the point. I lowered myself by spying on him. I devalued myself by ignoring my personal integrity and snooping. It didn’t matter that I had caught him once, and had every right to be suspicious. The fact was what I was doing was wrong and deceptive, and the end didn’t justify the means. 

I guess my questions for you are… Are you proud of what you did? Did you get the results you really wanted? Did it improve or hurt your relationship?  And now that you have your results, do you feel more or less secure in your relationship?

 

Post # 8
Member
4411 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

12stars:  I see you were editing your response while I was responding…  If you think that’s what he is doing, that he isn’t willing to compromise for the good of the relationship, and since you admit there are trust issues, then why are you considering marrying him?  Why aren’t you running as far as you can to find someone who is able to be the man you deserve and who drives you to be the best person you can be.  Wouldn’t it be better to cut your losses and find someone you can trust?

Post # 9
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

12stars:  Peter Pan indeed..an untrustworthy one at that. I think it’s time for you to say goodbye to Neverland, free yourself up and put yourself out there so you can find a mature, responsible man to share your time And life with. Good luck to you!

Post # 12
Member
4901 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Personally, I’d let this one go.  He’s immature & can’t be trusted not to carry on with other women online.  Maybe IRL, too.  Who knows?  He’s not a trustworthy person.

What are you getting out of this relationship?  Being there for you like a best friend is something you should be able to count on in any relationship that’s worth anything.

The time you spend with this boat anchor is time you could be out there meeting healthy grown up men.

Post # 13
Member
4411 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

12stars:  good for you!

Just so you know, I didn’t feel guilty about looking in his email and Facebook the first time. I was planning a surprise party for him, so I wanted to make sure I hadn’t left people off the guest list that he was friends with that we didn’t hang out with as a couple. It was afterwards, when I continued to check his Facebook and email searching for wrongdoing that I felt I had crossed a line. Some people would say I was doing the right thing, because he had hurt me once, and that makes sense, but it felt wrong to me. And I was losing my own self-respect every time I snooped after that.

I also wanted to add that I focused on what you did, because you are the only person you can change in a relationship. You’re the only person who can decide what is right and wrong, and what you will and won’t accept. That in itself gives you a lot of power. 

Post # 14
Member
1107 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

12stars:  He sounds pretty immature and shady…I think you can probably do better. My boyfriend and I are both pretty “plugged in” when it comes to computers and games and online lives but we still make time for each other when we’re not doing something online together too. I’ve done the sneaky girlfriend thing and checked his history a few times and (unless he’s really hiding it well) I haven’t found anything harmful. I think on the inside you ALWAYS have a gut instinct of trusting someone and you know deep down if you can’t trust that person. I’ve dealt with trust issues all my life and I believe my BF when he tells me things, others I have not and I was usually right!

Post # 15
Member
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

if you do not consider him to marry why do you call him your fiance??

 

RUN AWAY . he will never change and being 39 -living at home and not working doesnt sound like he wants to change. I understand wanting to take care of your parents– my parents are in the 70’s but every child needs to fly the coop. i moved out– we are 15 minutes away so i can still check on them, help them if they need help. but there is a difference with how your so is acting-m he doesnt seem to care about whats going on in the house unless its on the PC screen…

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