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Please call CPS & tell them everything that's going on!!
That is not love. This is neglect & abuse & this baby needs to get away from that. Yelling & screaming at a baby.. babies cry, its what they do. This is verbal abuse, which if your neighbors down the street can her her cursing, its at a really bad level. Not feeding a baby is really bad, babies need a lot of food & idk much about babies, but don't they need to eat every few hours?
I would DEFINITLY report this, please do this for your neice.
ETA: Also a lot of times verbal abuse can lead to physical abuse. This needs to stop. Now. Your sister needs to take parenting classes & anger management classes. I know she's your sister, but who cares if she's "insulted" that you offer to step in when a baby isn't being treated right. Right now you need to look out for your baby neice... what if she ignored her & the baby died because of it? Or got really sick? Your mom isn't always going to be able to be there & if your sister doesn't change how she acts now, she is going to likely get worse as your neice gets older. Please intervene.
Wow, sounds like a tough situation. Can I assume you niece's father isn't in the picture? Being a single mum is hard, one of my good friends is raising her daughter alone.
You are right to be concerned, it sounds like she is neglecting her daughter. Parenting isn't just the fun stuff, its also the yukky stuff, and the tiring stuff, and the tedious stuff.
Could you offer to watch your niece for the weekend? Maybe phrase it by saying something like "My daughter would love to have (niece) over for a sleepover, and you deserve a little break to relax." Maybe a few little breaks will help her relax a bit and put things in perspective.
Good luck, you are a great Aunt looking out for your niece like this.
If it was me I wouldn't care if she got upset or not. I would ask her nicely if she needed a break & then say if so the baby can come stay with me until she gets her life back on track.. Mean while once I had the baby I would call someone about everything she is doing/did! Not feeding/changing her own baby is BAD! A baby has to eat & be cared for!!!!!!!!! REGARDLESS! Also screaming so loud the neighbors could hear? :'( This breaks my heart.
If not then I would call & report her ASAP if you don't want to ask her or if she says no to you.
I understand she is your sister & you love her. But this baby cannot speak for its self. You can though & sounds like you really want to! I know either way you need to or your mother does one. I am so sorry you have to be put in such a situation but if you do help this baby I will be so glad you did & I am sure one day she will thank you for being such a great aunt to her, too!
Your sister needs to get herself into therapy to deal with her stress. I know she feels overwhelmed, but she has a person to take care of, and that person comes first.
Is there anyone in the family who can adopt your niece? This can cause major issues if in five years your sister gets her act together and demands her child back...especially if she's still not really fit to parent. My best friend in 8th grade had to legally disown her mother to keep her drug-addicted mom from taking custody back, and that is not a fun process.
It's not good for a child to have a "for now" parent. You could take her in "for now" but what happens if "for now" turns into five years...then your sister takes her back. Fine. But then in two years she's back with you again. That's so turbulent, and I learned from my friend's experience that being treated as the niece in your childhood home when your cousins are treated like the real children? That's rough. She was constantly reminded that she was lucky that they had taken her in, but that wasn't fair to her at all. It wasn't her fault that her mom had been a bad parent. She shouldn't have to feel beholden to her adoptive parents, even if they're an aunt and uncle. She should have felt as loved as her cousins felt. If you really feel like you would be ready to be an adoptive mother to this girl, I think that's the only way you could do it. Where would she go if your sister died? Who would her guardian be? Would it be your mom? You? If your sister really is unfit, perhaps that person should take over.
I agree with you that your sister is an unfit mother. Being a mother is more than the love and attention you get from your child, it is also the love and attention you give to your child because your child NEEDS it. I also agree that if a lot of people are interested in her welfare, it's better for her to remain within your family. But I think if anyone takes care of her, it should be in a situation where guardianship is legally transferred to that party.
Have you talked to your mom about this? It sounds like she needs to be in a better situation too, and honestly, I think she's letting her love for her daughter and granddaughter cloud her judgment about what's best for everyone. Your mom is being treated poorly. Your niece is being treated poorly. And by being allowed to behave this way, your sister is only going to get worse. She needs help, and not the sort of help of "I'll do your job for you so that you can have the fun parts of parenting without the hard parts," help. The hard parts of parenting help us grow as parents.
I told you to report it to CPS, but considering its your sister I would add:
1. Have a serious talk with your sister, tell her what she's doing isn't okay & if things don't change than CPS will have to get involved.
2. Report it to CPS anonymously (your sister might figure out who reported her, but for all she knows it could be a neighbor complaining about the yelling). Since your mom lives with your sister, the CPS or cops will likely go to their house & talk with household members. & your mom will likely know what's happening since she lives at the same house.
If reporting it anonymously doesn't really do anything, I'd just go in to CPS & tell them the entire situation.
Please talk with your mom about this. I'm sorry for the situation you're put in, but you're doing the right thing by stepping in. This stuff isn't hard, but its the best for the baby & THAT is love.
It sounds to me that your sister is not at all well.
My heart breaks for your niece. You need to do what you can to protect her, first and foremost.
Can I ask how old is your sister and if your niece is ever at her dad's? It sounds like your sister is feeling overwhelmed by parenting and I assume she is quite young based on her response. This does not excuse her behavior but maybe she could benefit from a paretning course or a bit of instruction from your mom or you sicne you are also a mom but focused on how to balance parenting and life and baby's needs.
In your situation, I would want to try everything possible before calling CPS because I would not want her to lose the baby if there was another solution. You say it is hard to offer to take your niece and would be also hard on you. Maybe you could take her for a couple of nights or help your sister work out parental visitation with the baby's fatehr if he is interested. Giving her a break 2 days a week or for a weekend may provide her with a new outlook on parenting if she is feeling overwhelmed. I am not a mom but I think just taking a step back is a good idea in any situation. I realize you don't get a vacation from being a mom but maybe helping her to have a small break will get her back in line and help everyone out in the long run. How old is your daughter? Could you suggest a baby sleepover? I also think you should talk to your mom and see how she feels as she does live there. Does she think the baby is in danger? Is she willing/able to offer aditioanl support to your sister? It sounds like she helps by default but if she is willing, maybe she could agree to help with specific tasks so your sister is not just taking her for granted. For example, maybe she could volunteer to put your niece to bed (dinner and diaper) as long as your sister gets up with her and takes care of her in the morning.
I work as a nurse and did pediatrics for a while and let me tell you, it takes a LOT more than yelling to remove a child from a home. I'd report it but most of the time they don't do nearly enough. Your mom is involved, it could possibly come to a point where your sister can't be at home with her daughter alone and that either you or your mom would have to be there too. They would probably get her into therapy and get her a support person who comes in and educates on parenting/finances/coping etc.
This sounds awful for your poor niece, and it must be hard on everyone else to be picking up the slack. But the thing is, you are picking it up so the baby is fed, clean and uninjured so DCF isn't going to just come in and take the baby away. They do whatever they can to keep the family together, to the point of being lazy at times and just doing nothing at all. Could you or your mom manage to have temporary custody through the courts? Also, is this girl's dad in her life? I don't mean to shut you down or anything it's just that people tend to worry so much about reporting parents to DCF, but in my experience they're mostly useless unless you get a really great case manager which is rare and the parents can just change case workers (at least where I'm from). It's pretty easy for the moms to lie about everything and get their case closed. If you want anything to change you're probably going to have to take a lot of it into your own hands. Hopefully your sister will listen to you and get into counseling and try to resolve this, but if she shows no interest in becoming a good mother then it's unfortunate but the mother-daughter bond isn't first priority anymore and that child's safety is.
Start documenting. Every time she yells at the baby for having a dirty diaper, write down the day/time and what she said and who ended up changing the baby. Write down when she refuses to feed or change her when she cries. Anytime she's rough with the baby etc. You and your mom are doing a lot of the care so it will look like the baby's being cared for, so hopefully this could prove that she's abusive and neglectful. You may never need to have this documentation but in the event that things get to be really bad, you'll be glad you have it. Good luck :(
Not to sound harsh, but I'm pretty sure that when it was convenient for Casey Anthony to parent her daughter, she did, but then Caylee ended up dead.
This is abuse and neglect. You should report it. Your beautiful niece does not deserve to be treated this way. If you report it, it likely won't initiate a removal from the home, but based on what you are telling me it would definitely be an accepted report and would start an investigation. They would go to the home, meet with your sister, your mom and want to see your niece.
I agree with the pp that you or your mom should start documenting every instance of yelling, swearing, not feeding or changing her, and anything else that she does. It is not fair to your niece to allow this to continue. Please, please report it!
Yes, what your sister is doing is terrible, but has she always been like this since she had your neice? Is it possible that he has been suffering from post partum depression, or really any type of depression? Is the babies father involved? It really sounds that she is struggling handling all of this.
I would talk to her and she if she would be agreeable to counceling and try to help out with your neice until she gets feeling better. If she says no and denies she has a problem, that is when I would think about reporting her.
If it were me, there are a few things I would do.
First, as PP stated, start documenting. Write down every little thing. PP is right in saying that it takes a lot for a child to be removed. (I'm also a nurse who has worked pediatrics.) Have you mom start documenting too. Anyone that is around her, tell them to write it down!
Second, I would sit down with my FI and have a serious discussion about bringing your neice into your home to give your sister "a break". I would dicuss the possibility of that break turning into a long term or perhaps permanent situation. I would not feel bad about her not having a mother/daughter relationship because if this pattern of behavior continues, it will be a horrible relationship to have.
Third, I would offer to have your niece come stay with you. You can spin it as giving your sister a break or whatever it is. You can offer to baby sit, pick her up from daycare, whatever. I wouldn't worry so much about hurting your sister's feelings but I would want to say it in a way that encourages her to let your neice come stay with you.
And last, once your neice is in your care and has been for a while, I would consult an attorney with your documentation about getting legal rights. Its not about taking something away from your sister or insulting her or hurting her feelings. It comes down to protecting an innocent child.
Thank you so much for your answers, everyone. You've given me good ideas and a direction to move in. I appreciate that so much.
For those who asked, my sister is 24 years old. Not only has she been this way since the birth of her daughter, she's been this way for as long as I can remember. She is hostile, irresponsible, and lacks any sense of empathy. My mother has long been convinced that my sister had some type of mental or personality disorder. I think she may be right. Either way, my sis definitely needs counseling. We have suggested it before, but she gets upset and says she doesn't need "some shrink" telling her what's wrong with her. So frustrating.
My niece's dad is currently in state prison. He's spent most of his adult life in and out of jail for drug possession and dealing. One reason I finally decided to write this post is because he's getting out next month and my sister wants to move into his family's home with him and take my niece with her. I know the neighborhood he lives in. It's a slum brimming with drugs and violence. I am terrified that my poor niece is going to disappear into that world.
If it were just me here, I would adopt my niece in a heartbeat. My daughter is three years old and absolutely adores her cousin. They have a lot of fun together. I have talked to FI briefly about this. I told him that I was thinking about offering to have my niece stay with us for a few months, in the hopes that my sister would take that time to start turning her life around. He just sighed and then gave a sad little chuckle and made some offhand comment about how I must love stressing him out if I want to bring another child into the house. I agree, it's cramped already. We're planning on moving to a bigger place within the next two years, because he actually wants to have a baby of our own after we're married. But right now, we've got two tiny bedrooms, a small kitchen, and a living room that barely fits a sofa, chair, and television.
We do have an outdoor porch that he is currently remodeling into a real room as a gift to me. He wanted me to have a space in the house that was entirely my own. And that is so thoughtful, and I am absolutely appreciative of the gesture, but I have been thinking lately that I would like to set that up as a little bedroom for my niece so she can come stay here. I will have to address that with him.
My sister has decided that she wants to return to school next year. She was in nursing school when she got pregnant and dropped out to get a full-time job. She actually works as a caregiver in an MH/MR facility. And it's crazy how she loves her residents. She comes home with stories about them and what progress they've made, and she actually cries sometimes because she's so upset by some of the things her patients have to go through. I don't understand how she can have this empathy for other people, but come home and be so neglectful of her own child. Anyway, I am hoping that, if she goes to school, she'll be able to get a better job, and perhaps that will help her feel more stable and capable as a mother.
This is a really tough situation and you all have given me great ideas for how to move forward with this. Thanks again, bees, for your answers and advice.
@HeyKaraoke: You do realize they dont' have a mother/daugher relationship now?
I'd call child services.
It sounds like she may have borderline personality disorder, but obviously no one can diagnose over the internet.
I would say if she's trying to move your niece into that environment, try to get temporary custody to someone else asap. It sounds dangerous. Can you maybe talk to your mom about sharing responsibilities? Perhaps your mom would be able to help you out financially if you and FI took her in? But it is his life too, and while I think his response isn't the most considerate one, I understand where he's coming from.
Good luck, I'm rooting for you. I know this is a really difficult situation but you're doing the right thing by following this up and trying to do what's best for your niece.
ETA: If I were you, I would consider this an emergency situation and explain it to him as such; if your daughter was in this situation, you would want her pulled out asap, and if you put it to him like that he may be more understanding.
It does sound like your sister needs help. I think you and your mom should really do something soon before your sister goes too far and doesnt something that might hurt the baby.
Everyone else has already given you great advice - the only thing I would say is to not give a flippin' shit if your sister gets upset at you wanting to take in your niece for a while. Right now, it sounds like a pack of wild dogs would give your niece more love and care than your sister is.
What a sad situation for this little girl, your mom, and yourself. Wishing you all the best.
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I have a beautiful 18-month-old niece who is just the sweetest, most adorable baby. My sister and my niece both live with my mom due to financial issues. Lately, my mom has been telling me some disturbing things about my sister's relationship with her baby. Due to lack of space, my sister and her baby share a bedroom in the house. My mom told me that every morning, the baby wakes up first, and my sister screams at the baby and curses at her because she cried and woke her up. She then gets up and ignores the baby while she gets ready for work. My mom is forced to step in and change the baby, feed her, etc. until my sister is ready for her day. Meanwhile, my mom is also trying to get ready for work, and she usually ends up being an hour late because she had to care for the baby while my sister got ready.
Then my niece spends all day at daycare. When my sister picks her up, she goes home and immediately tries to put the baby to bed. No dinner, nothing to drink, no diaper change -- just puts her in her crib. She usually naps for a little bit but then wakes up crying because she's hungry, thirsty, and still in a wet diaper from daycare. My sister, again, yells and curses and tries to get my mom to handle everything. If my mom won't or can't, my sister will freak out and curse some more, and only then will she go ahead and take care of my niece. Then she puts the baby right back in bed. My mom has had neighbors come over and ask if everything was okay because they can hear my sister screaming and cursing at the baby from all the way down the street. It's awful.
A few days ago, I was visiting at my mom's house and my sister said yet another awful thing to my niece. My mom said, "Children and Youth Services is going to come take that baby from you if you keep acting like that." My sister's response? "Good." I was appalled. I said, "You do realize that you won't get her back, right?" And she looked me straight in the eye and said, "That's fine. I need the break."
Now, when the baby doesn't need anything -- when she's fed, watered, cleaned, and well-rested -- my sister has no problem playing with her and being loving and attentive. It's only when an actual issue of care comes up that she becomes completely irresponsible. So I do think she loves her daughter. She just hates being a parent.
I hate airing my family's business online, but I just couldn't take this to any relatives or anyone we know. I don't want my niece taken away from the immediate family. My mom, my daughter, and I all love that child to death and we don't want to lose her. I was thinking of offering to take her in for a while until my sister gets her act together, but that's really a desperate last act because we have a small house with limited space, and I think my FI would go nuts (he loves both of them, but I think having two young children in the house would just make him crazy). Plus, with the way my sister's been acting, "a while" might turn into "forever," and that would be such a sad situation if my sister and my niece never had a good mother-daughter relationship. Not to mention, if I offered to take her in for a bit, my sister would be so insulted. She hates it when anyone questions her parenting skills and will usually go off the deep end if you say something even slightly critical about her parenting ability. So I have no idea how I'd approach her about that, anyway.
I'm at a total loss. I truly believe my sister loves her daughter, but she hates the actual duties that come with the role of parent and she has no idea how to parent responsibly. Regardless, my niece deserves better than this. What on earth should I do?