(Closed) I think my sister might be getting a divorce… Help!

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3521 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

It almost sounds like they’re not married, if he’s out of town all the time.  As her sister, you owe it to her to be completely honest, even if that means bringing up divorce.  Really… what would be the difference if the relationship isn’t working?  She would get child support and the money to live her life the way she wants to… divorce might actually be the best thing for her if she’s not getting anything out of the marriage anyway.

That said, if she wants to work this out, maybe bringing up divorce would make him realize that she’s at a breaking point.

Good luck–this is a really tough situation.

Post # 4
Member
5154 posts
Bee Keeper

@MsBrooklynA: in order for them to work out, they have to be willing to put in the work. I can see why your sister is exhausted. Divorce is one option (one that might look very good right now) but it is just one option. Another is to just separate and another is to seek help. Your job is to be there for whatever she decides to do. Good luck to you and your sister.

Post # 5
Member
5655 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

Good job on the counseling!

I know that when I was in a position like that (not nearly as strenuous but along the same lines) The best advice I ever got was from my Dad and that was not to name call. She is ONLY in control of herself so it’s her job to focus on her behaviour when these situations arise. Yes, its hard but if she can start fight fair, whether he does or not, it will help HER.. internally.

I had to do this with my verbally abusive ex-husband and it did very much so help me… the things he’d say started effecting me less and I was able to set the example of HOW the relationship was going to go.

What you can do is start praying for her & her situation… That she have the strength she needs to be the woman, mom, wife she was made to be…. that she be protected mind, body, and spirit for the things done & said to her, that she can be victorious in this battle against her marriage!

Sorry you’re seeing your sister go through this… sounds like she’s a great woman! I’ll put this on my prayer list and see if my DH and I can start praying together for your family 😉

Post # 6
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I think all you can do is suggest counseling. That way they’ll be able to work out what is best for them, whether it’s divorce or staying together.

Post # 7
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

The best thing you can do it be supportive of your sister, be there for her just to talk to and try to help her stand up for herself. He’s obviously not pulling his weight in the “family” portion of their marriage so they need to seek some counseling. There may be some issues that he needs to deal with personally as well (based on his childhood).

I’d say IF he’s unwilling to go to counseling or unresponsive to it – she may need to get out of the relationship – regardless of how willing she is to try to make things work a marriage can’t be held together by only one party.

Post # 8
Member
2313 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Personally, I wouldn’t offer your sister any advice right now. Chances are, with 3 young kids, she’s thought of all her options and knows best what to do for her and them. Just be there for support and to listen to her and give her a shoulder to cry on, if she’s looking for it. It’s so hard to offer the kind of advice you wish you could give (divorce or don’t) without making the person you are offering it to defensive. It’s hard to know 100% what goes on in a marriage, and she knows what happened in hers best. Just be there for her right now.

Post # 9
Member
793 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Honestly if I was her sister, I would tell her to leave, because she deserves better. He seems like a shitty father, and husband, and no women or child needs that, in my opnion, but I would just be there for her right now if I were you.

Post # 10
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Why can’t she move with him to where he’s working?  This is the just about the time that marriages get really hard.  The kids are young, not enough money, stressed, tired, etc… but this is where they need to come together.  Counseling should be an option.  She’s already a single SAHM practically, why does it need to be permanent?  Do you live close enough to take the kids so they can have a date to help out?  A marriage can almost always be fixed.

Post # 11
Member
3461 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Eeks, this is a tough one.  My heart goes out to you and your family.  There’s only a limited amount that you can do as a sister.  There’s a few issues going on here: Your sister is run down from all of her daily responsibilities, her husband is not sharing the burden when he’s around, her husband is possibly also run down from constant traveling/not living at home, and they fight “badly” and he doesn’t have any good relationship role models.  (You mention his family has a history with alcohol, but did not say he personally abuses it, so I’m less concerned about that point.)

1. Make sure she knows that you are there for her.  Don’t bash her husband despite his poor behavior.  Be willing to listen to her anytime.  Don’t ever say “I told you so.”

2. Can you take the kids for a bit to give her a break?  This might give them the time they need to work on their relationship as well.  Maybe give them tickets to something when he’ll be in town and babysit the kids, or take the kids on a few Saturday mornngs.

3. Is there a closer school for the 6 year old?  Can she carpool to it?

4. This can only be done for a sister or very close friend, but maybe get a book on improving relationships for her or offer to look up inexpensive counselors in the area.

Will keep thinking on this one.

Post # 13
Member
5756 posts
Bee Keeper

I think the best thing you can do is to not make her problems, your problems. It’s hard to sit back and watch things play out in a way that doesn’t seem right to you, but only she really knows her situation and how best to deal with it. You can suggest all you want, but unless and until she’s ready to make some changes, or accept things as they are, all you should do is offer her support in whatever way she needs it.

It’s always hard to sit on your hands and not help someone you love, but this is hers to fix. I hope she finds the best solution for her and her family. 🙁

Post # 14
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I think they ABSOLUTELY should move to where he works. They really need to share one roof and one family life. He already did not have a decent life to begin with, what with the alcoholic father and drug abusive mother. And now his current situation is not helping him either at all. He literally has NO positive energy flowing into his life. The construction field is very difficult as is, and he doesn’t have her to come home to and have a nice home cooked meal everyday and see his kids, etc.

It might not be feasible due to school, the volatile nature of his job, but really, if the marriage is suffering THIS badly, I would think that moving with him wherever he goes, even it means changing schools, will help out in the long run. Stability is important for the children where they are not having to switch schools ever so often but it’s even MORE important for the children to have a LOVING family home where both parents are there and working as a team. The good far outweigh the bad.

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